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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 9/27/2009 1:45:26 AM | | besides the emo, financial, and circumstantial entanglements involved in the big getaway, one of the hardest aspects is: admitting to yourself that you knew who and how he was, and you carried on despite. You wish he would just change so b/w the both of you, your secret will be safe-his that he abused you and yours that you also abused you by not walking away from the danger of him. Getting out of this level of denial is hard but necessary if you want to keep up your resolve.Maybe you will or won't find it in your heart to forgive him, but you have to fogive yourself, nobody else is going to, and how can you do this if you won't be honest about all the ways you have lied to you and lied to him-ie acting as though things were fine instead of expressing your honest emotions with and towards him? | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 10/2/2009 12:29:27 PM | As a beautiful woman such as yourself, you should be able to find yourself a deacent man that will treat you with the respect that you deserve. Never pull yourself back into an abusive relationship. abuse is not love by any standard. as for the abusier, he just wants someone that he can control and treat just like a piece of dog shit. there's also things of the abuser's past that may trigger these actions. When you find someone, wach out for the warning signs that pinpoints these kind of actions. If the red flags are there get out of it ASAP. It's very dangerous to all aspects to your well being. I wish you the best of luck out there. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 10/2/2009 12:47:12 PM | ^^^^^^^^^^^ one thing that Idon't ubderstand, is why women want to be treated like shit and beat like a punching bag, as opposed to finding a man instead of a coward?
Or, finding someone that will show them what true love is about? Why continue living your life in a soap opera? s this hollywood or something? Thr re decent guys out there that are willing to provide a better relationship than that. To many grew up waching days of our lives, young ad the restess and ec-cetra, and want to live just like so. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 10/2/2009 5:04:21 PM | Why dont some of you educate yourself about victims
of emotional and physical abuse.
Women and Men do not enter these relationships wanting to be abused.
The abuser is someone that is not what they really are, presents
themselves as someone desirable to the victim.
The victim is then either brainwashed, manipulated or pounded to death
by the abuser.
Abuse is not so easy sometimes to get away from once you are locked in to
the abuse- There are so many facets to abuse victims.
It has nothing to do with being "weak minded" or "why dont they want a
nice guy"- Of course they know there are decent people out there -
YOU need to educate yourself about the victim and why this happens before
you come here and victimize them even more with some of your callous
postings regarding them. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 10/2/2009 8:49:05 PM | You may know more nice men than you think. Trouble is, you may have dropped them all into the "friend" basket early on and never taken another look at them.
A huge wealth of literature exists about why people continue in abusive relationships. The reasons are many, and range from simple economics (women stay because they've nowhere to go) to psychological manipulation (abusers make women feel it's their fault and even convince some that they, the abusers, are the "real" victim).
Why might you be drawn to such men? Well, let''s be fair: many of them might be drawn to YOU. Like con-men, abusers are good at spotting people who they can manipulate. They have a knack for becoming what you want them to be, but only logn enough to get their hooks into you. Then the nightmare starts.
Anotehr things is that some women accept, whether consciously or not, the idea that "real men" are dominating and controlling. Those are the men they're attracted to, with terrible results. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 10/2/2009 10:50:35 PM | Abuse is not so easy sometimes to get away from once you are locked in to
the abuse- There are so many facets to abuse victims.
^^^What a load of crock. There is no such thing as being locked into abuse, unless your abuser actually ties you up or chain you in the basement on a daily basis. If an abused victim keeps this same mentality in their heads day after day, then obviously they won't get anywhere.
Simple fact is the victim HAS that will power to pick up the phone and call 911. Its just a matter of digging deep down and finding it. Or they can simply stay put, stay silent, and prepare themselves for a lifelong journey of getting their azzez beat, degraded, and berated to the point where they'll be left in a pool of their own blood.
Oh but of course by then it might be too late | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 10/3/2009 5:59:09 AM | But hey, i guess life does go on and its just taken me a lot longer to realise this,
but hey! it takes every abused person longer to realize they are abused! the abuser is not a stupid person... quite the contrary! in moat cases they are very charming... very witty.
little by little their needs grow.... little by little the relation becomes more argumentative. leaves you wondering what you did to anger your partner.
with time you seem to feel more edgy, more unsure of yourself...you know more jumpy with your friends... find your self crying more often. waiting more often for the one you love... jumpy when you see them...jumpy when you don't.
then there is fault... and it seems to be yours.... your fault that they are angry .... your fault when they yell... your fault when their day goes bad....
so now let me welcome to IF..... if you didn't yell back. it would be different...if you would not be so negative. it would be different.... if you could please. them it would different
soooooooo NO! aurielle. it did not take you longer to realize...you were wise enough to realize... and i hope it was before he became physically abusive.
and every abused person shares the shame of being wrong... of being negative... of not giving it a fair chance... but they are all wrong.. the did nothing but react to the abuser..
aurielle... | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 10/3/2009 6:32:46 AM | | i don't mean to sound harsh but that's why a lot of guys won't date you. once really abused your self esteem is in the toilet, you usually have trust issues and the longer you were in that relationship, you need tons of therapy. do not make a man your personal therapist. smart men know to stay away until you're fully healed and we also know that you may go back to him for whatever reason. being a nice guy doesn't mean that we need to cure your wounds. that is up to you, not us. get some therapy and do not ever contact that person again like he could give you cancer or else your doomed to get another abusive boyfriend. patterns usually repeat themselves because you get used to the idea that normal means being abused and it feels comfortable to you in a twisted way | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 10/4/2009 4:06:39 AM | | The fact is many women are drawn to the bad boy and have no intrest in nice guys as much as they tell themselves that is what they want, they instintively go for the opposite. Go see a shrink and find out why you instinctively go for the wrong man. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 10/4/2009 2:14:24 PM |
in moat cases they are very charming... very witty.
little by little their needs grow.... little by little the relation becomes more argumentative. leaves you wondering what you did to anger your partner.
with time you seem to feel more edgy, more unsure of yourself...you know more jumpy with your friends... find your self crying more often. waiting more often for the one you love... jumpy when you see them...jumpy when you don't.
I agree with this description. Abuse is insidious. It creeps up on you without you realizing what is happening. The person is charming and you adore him. Then you start to realize that the good feelings are going away and being replaced by bad feelings, but you are confused and don't know what is going on.
Instead of being happy as you once were, you are now crying a lot, feeling miserable,
hurt and not understanding why. By the time this happens, the abuser has become very comfortible in his knowledge that no matter what, his victim is not going away.
In return for her devotion he dishes out emotional and/or physical punishment because he does not respect her. He knows she won't demand better for herself.
Without a solid model of what healthy self care and self respect looks like, people who stick around for abuse are confused and unaware of the appropriate way to respond.
They may not even recognize emotional and verbal abuse for what it is.
As their sense of dignity and self respect is slowly eroding, they become nothing more than cowering, timid, weak, needy shells of their former selves.
They live for whatever crumbs of affection or pity the abuser feels like doling out to them. Any amount of mental or physical pain is worth it to them to be in the company of their abuser. It is psychological conditioning.
The victim wants love but gets pain instead. The abuser has someone they can do anything to, behave any way towards, and knows this person will stick around, and that feeds their ego. They each become more and more comfortible in their roles and it becomes a vicious downward spiral of more and more pain for the victim.
Due to the psychological conditioning and gradual nature of abuse, it shows a lack of understanding of the psychology of victimhood to repeat the often heard phrase that
"she could have gotten away but didn't so I have no sympathy for her".
It's not nearly that simple. You have to understand human psychology to a high degree to realize that a victim of ongoing abuse, whether physical or mental, is not usually capable of helping herself after a certain point has been reached. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 10/4/2009 3:36:57 PM |
The fact is many women are drawn to the bad boy and have no intrest in nice guys as much as they tell themselves that is what they want, they instintively go for the opposite. Go see a shrink and find out why you instinctively go for the wrong man.
I don't think that is true at all. A lot of women ARE drawn to the bad boy, but most by my age are tired of the bad boys, the little boys that somehow never grew up. WE are no longer into the tantrums, the silent treatment when they don't get their way, irrational accusations, etc.
WHAT happened to me was the bad boy learning how to imitate the nice guy just long enough to get close to me, and bringing it back each time he thought I would walk out.. Had I not been a fairly new widow and still emotionally raw.....I would have seen all of his junk for what it was. I would not have given him the time of day.
That is not how they work........I would have respect for the man that is upfront about who he is. I have no respect for the creeps that play a facade.
They zero in on someone they know is vulnerable, tender-hearted, and broken emotionally for some reason.
NOT all women continue in these kinds of abusive relationships, nor do all women choose this sort of man. Some things are very " situational".
BUT, once you are involved, you are constantly looking for the man he portrayed himself to be, .............and because you are emotionally raw and know it, when the blame game starts, you are easy to manipulate.
It is a HELL to be caught in this kind of situation. Even when you realize it, and leave it, the hurt lingers for a long time. For me the belief that a person could knowingly do those things to another person in the name of love..........I know I was naive.....but it still floors me.
Maybe before it happened to me , and I found out how easily a person can be sucked in and conned, I would have felt the way you do. \
Whole different ballgame now that I have walked in those shoes.
No contact is the only thing worked for me. After a few months, I couldn't even remember what he looked like. I had destroyed all the pictures, emails, etc.
His abusive nature is his alone, he owns it, and I AM drawn to the nice guys. I may pass some up nowadays that may be sincere, but having any red flags at all, I PASS!! | |
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