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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 7:33:43 AM | We go back because as women, we are taught that things are our "fault." Abusers capitalize on this and even tell us that we cause the abuse that we receive.
We go back because we think that we can change the man. If only we or do the right thing, all will be fine.
We think that love can conquer all, and that inside, he is a good man, we just have to bring out that goodness.
The best way to keep from going back is to develop our self-esteem. If you love yourself, you won't have to love a man who is not deserving of your love. You might never truly "let go," but you can learn to not go back. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 7:36:47 AM | I must be extremely lucky to have NEVER been involved with an abusive man,after reading some of the threads on this subject--they seem to be quite prevalent in our society,& i hope id recognize that particular type of man,& run in the other direction.
I have a gf who's drawn to a guy like that at the moment,& she explains it as being like an addiction.
Like she just cant help herself.
Id like to help her more but im powerless against this hold he has over her.
But,she's trying & i can only be there for her & be her friend. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 7:38:48 AM | It's very hard when one is caught up in the emotional turmoil. If you can take a step back, look at the situation objectively in regards to the behaviour, the facts, then think about what you would want for your daughter (or anyones daughter). Writing about your experiences, privately can be very helpful. There is a site called opendiary.com if you want to write openly but anonymously
This book is excellent! I highly recommend it. It's very enlightening. I think it would help you on the path to feeling stronger.
- Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft
Support groups (even online ones that you could find using Google) would be an excellent idea. If you can access counselling that might help as well.
Wishing you peace, love and great happiness! | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 7:51:00 AM | It's hard to distinguish between nice and horrible, hurtful men because people present themselves as they want you to see them. I don't think there is any way to tell a good man (or woman for that matter) from a bad one until you are involved. The reasons people abuse others are many including control issues, suppressed anger that causes them to snap in certain situations and even being abused themselves, probably as a child.
Sometimes people are drawn to the wrong person simply because they do not believe they can do any better, that they deserve the treatment, or that if they just love the person more they can change them. The only thing that can change an abusive person is counseling, getting to the root of the problem of what makes them abusive. They have to see that there is a problem with their actions.
For an individual to change, they have to see that there is a problem in what they are doing. If you are speaking from an experience you are in at this point in time, you are taking the first step just by admitting to yourself that there is a problem. Unfortunately, the only person you can change is yourself. Most people fall into a circle of repetitive actions in the way they live their lives. In order for you to change your behavior, you have to step outside that circle you have created and that isn't easy. What I mean by that is you have to look at your actions differently and you have to change your behavior. Step outside the circle and do something differently than you have been doing.
Remember that change is hard for anyone. Human beings are creatures of habit and usually do the same things because they are comfortable in what they do or how they do it.
To let go, find a counselor or minister that you feel comfortable with, seek support from close friends/family, any kind of support network. In all this, remember that you are not to blame, that abusiveness is a sickness or disease that has to be treated to be cured and to be treated and cured has to be admitted.
Also, please know that abuse usually escalates, becoming more violent over time. Do not become a statistic in allowing an abusive person to bring about your end.
May God be with you and guide you out of this situation. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 8:01:50 AM | "Why is it you can be drawn to the wrong man, and even after all the abuse, still go back?"
Because there's a little voice inside your head telling you that that's what you deserve. Tell it to shut the f**k up. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 8:03:48 AM | I've written about abusive relationships quite extensively on this forum. I suggest that you go back and read some of my posts. I'll go back over some of the more salient points.
First the problem is with the abused and not the abuser. The reason is the abuser quickly recognizes his target, the abused, and immediately sets his goal to pursue her. I assuming, of course, that the abused is a woman and the abuser is a man. Also note that abuse isn't confined to heterosexual relationships. A similar dynamic occurs in homosexual ones too.
In any case, the abuser knows that he can attract more flies with honey than vinegar, so in the initial stages of the relationship, he is the perfect man. He is romantic, sweet, kind, considerate, gentle, loving, and so on. However, once he has his victim under his control emotionally, then the abuse begins. It usually begins with control issues where he begins with little things and progressively moves on until he is in charge of her entire life. The scope on his control can include her daily movements, who she has as friends or associates with, and in extreme cases total mind control!
Abuse is generally accompanied by physical and verbal abuse. I say generally because there is always some form of verbal abuse which may be enough to keep his victim under his control, but if necessary, he'll resort to physical force.
Let's get back to the abused and why I say the problem is her's. This type of woman has two very common characteristics. The first is she has a non-assertive personality, a very common characteristic among women, and the second is she usually has a poor self image or low self esteem. Oddly enough this type of woman may even occupy a powerful position in the working world, but it is her emotional development where the problem lays.
For women who are involved in these kind of relationships, it's exceedingly dificult for them to break free of them. Even if they do, they'll likely end up in another one. In fact, women (and men too) keep repeating bad relationships because they refuse to deal with the issues of past disasters.
The only real solution is to seek therapy. There is a lot of help available such as various women support groups or counseling from various sources either professional or affiliated with religious organizations. The key to solving the problem is to begin to realize how her behavior creates the situation. This is called awareness, and it's a form of insight into one's personality which isn't easily acheivable.
Finally, the problem is extremely difficult to solve because its roots are in early childhood development. Essentially children imitate their parent's behavior. If the parents are kind loving people who treat each other with respect, then the child has a good start on the road to becoming a happy adult. Unfortunately, this is seldom the case and a lot of very inappropriate and negative behavior is acquired and stored in the child's emotional database.
The Eagle | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 8:19:58 AM | I believe the statistics show it takes more then a dozen attempts before we can finally leave abusive relationships. I was choled, beaten and almost thrown off a 2nd story balcony and I still went back.
It is a very difficult break even though we know its unhealthy and dangerous. I found that I had to break it off completely - changed my phone number, when I wanted to call him I'd call a friend. Once I left it got easier to see how sick the realtionship was, but I couldn't see it whenI was in it.
I needed to know, really know that I was a worthwhile human being and NO ONE has the right to hurt me.
Now one year later I'm happy, free of him and truly enjoying life for the first time in years. It is so worht the pain that I felt when leaving to be where I am today. I am mentally stronger & healthier then I've ever been. If I wasn't I wouldn't be dating now, because until I believed in my own worth I know I would have picked another man just like him.
Abusive men can see our vulnerability - we need to be strong enough to run not walk away from any abusive signs we get from a new man.
I wish you happiness and peace of mind | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 8:26:57 AM | nexthyme
Thats right tell her to run away and hide, not to face up to herself. Geesh, why should it be the abused person who has to be locked up.
U-N-B-E-L-I-E-V-A-B-L-E .....
LOZ Hunter, I am not sure what you are talking about... ???????????This was in my first post.
REALITY CHECK....... IN REGARDS TO THE ABOVE POST?
NEXTYME...YOU SUGGESTED NOTHING OF THE SORT .
YOU WERE GENTLE...AND KIND...AND RESOURCEFUL ..
EVEN TO THE POST THAT IRONICALLY WAS UNFRIENDLY IN A SENSITIVE TOPIC MATTER. I AM VERY GLAD YOU POSTED AND THANK FOR YOUR GRACIOUS EXAMPLE.
FIRST POST? I LOOK FORWARD TO READING MORE :) | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 8:40:49 AM | Opps...I don't know how to edit yet...being a newbie. otherwise wld include in first post.
OP, I am so so sorry....you are going through this...
I wanted to address the "forgiveness" part of your poat
While I firmly believe forgiveness is an essential part of healthy loving and living
..I had to first learn the difference between forgiveness as a means to heal the wounds and move forward .....
rather than confusing this with ....enabling and engaging in allowing behavior that is self destructive ie..an abusive partner..dangerous situations etc etc
AND I also had to learn to forgive my Self first for choosing to participate with anything that was harmful to me. Sometimes I had to forgive myself for not hating the person when it was absolutely appropriate to do that first...
it's all a process ......
please be very very gentle with yourself and do your best to to get the support to stay away from the person.....one day at a time... even if your feelings contradict those healthier actions....
(((((((hugs)))))))))) | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 8:44:38 AM | There is never a time when I wonder how I became involved with a person who abused me so very badly. At the time it was unreal it was a feeling of such saddness and panic. It then becomes to hard, only you will see that noone can tell you to leave as you will continue to return. You will one day and then you will seek help, the shelters, change your phone allow friends to guide you look at your life and then one day you suddenly see the crack in the darkness and you know you are moving on.
I adapted so i could hide in myself when he abused me, then my children allowed me to see and my 2 friends helped me to escape and I did.
Never then go back as he wont change but you have.
Remember to be happy positive an never ever look back it happened so then you get on with it and life.
Take care you will recover that i promise you, the mental scares will remain in your head but you adapt to deal with them.
Use this to see your own life and then see good and wonderful people in it, and more importantly learn you can love again, I have in a way sadly trust will take many years to find.
thinking of you be strong in your heart and listen to your feelings you will hear them one day again | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 9:52:56 AM | oh sweetie...with abusive men it is all about control with them...I mean after all,,it is pretty easy for the man to over power the woman and slap her around..thats what they do...it could be because they are insecure as he**,or they are just plain mean...and sometimes it is hard to distinguish the bad ones from the good ones...and the reason some women go back or maybe not even leave is because they are AFRAID to go,,and they are AFRAID to stay,,but they need to realize that they are the victims here,,not that jerk...
You can make yourself stronger emotionally and physically,,,you have to make that first step by leaving him,,then slap him with a protective order..not a restraining order,,that is worthless...a protective order will actually land his worthless hide in jail if he messes with you...
You will learn to let go...it may take time,,but you can do it!!! You are alot stronger then you think you are!!!!!
God Bless You & My Prayers are with you!
Kaci Jo | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 10:03:23 AM |
...some men can be so charming, promise you the world and that things will change...
OP, never fall in love with what "could be" but pay close attention to "what is". People can say anything. Close your ears and open your eyes. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 12:16:54 PM |
First the problem is with the abused and not the abuser.
This is like saying that a rape is the woman's fault.
While some women (or men, but I will use the female pronoun here) have certain emotional characteristics that make them prey for abusers, your claim absolves the abuser. The problem is truly the person who does the abusing. Not only is this true from the standpoint of the adult women being abused, but early childhood development where she might have witness her mother being abused.
Same with the abuser, but if he/she didn't exist, there would be no abused.
You suggest counseling for the abused--which I wholeheartedly agree--but to say it is her "problem" without mentioning the problems of the other party is ludicrous.
Perhaps you would like to rephrase your statement? | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 12:32:19 PM | Statistics say that it takes an average of seven tries before an abused woman can successfully leave a bad relationship. It took me well over seven tries and a stay in a domestic violence center and I STILL couldn't stay away. Finally, he decided he hated me so much that he left me then bullied me out of the home. It is rare for the abuser to leave, but it really makes the sting of abuse worse. He's still taking the power and control over the relationship and blaming everything on me. For two years, nothing I did was good enough, then I was so "awful" he left. Inside I kept thinking that I was trying so hard, and I was a nervous wreck wondering when he was going to yell at me next. He had the power over my whole life. Then he left and kept the power. Now, even when I moved back to my home state, 2500 miles away, he has the power. He decides if he will communicate about a divorce agreement, he decides what we will "compromise" on, he decides if he will play games, etc. and he tries to force me to do what he wants and give up my rights. Abuse steals your personal power and leaves you feeling helpless. Even the most successful intelligent women can fall for it. I was a 4.0 GPA, award winning grad student when I gave it up to marry him. Now I'm depressed, lifeless and confused about my future with no way to support myself. I let him bring me down so far that I didn't know how to take care of myself and escape anymore.
The reasons I stayed were very similar to the ones listed in standard domestic violence booklets:
fear of never finding someone else
seeing his good points and hoping he'll learn and fix the bad
my husband didn't want me to work, so I had no money or way to support myself
I moved across the country, so I had no support system nearby, I was isolated
fear of loneliness and money problems
fear of judgment and people smugly saying "I told you so"
I married my husband to escape my emotionally abusive mother, and to be honest, he is the better alternative (when I married my husband I hadn't even lived with her for 11 years, and she still made me miserable- even when I was 2500 miles away!)
he beat down my self esteem so bad, that I started to believe I was as worthless as he told me I was
there way a pay off- I had a nice home, furniture, trips, etc., when he wasn't yelling, he waited on me hand and foot, he knew a lot of famous or semi-famous people and took me to VIP events, etc.
Even now, I've received over 60 messages in three days from men on this site, and honestly, I haven't seen a single one that jumps out and says "I'm the one who's different." There are a few that may have potential to be conversationally satisfying, but most of them have nothing in common with what I want for my life. They don't have the zest and spark that I am looking for. My husband did instantly, and I knew from the first time I conversed with him that he was different and he was on my wavelength. I hadn't found that before and I certainly haven't seen it since. This is scary. It really makes me wonder if I'll ever find another person who matches what I'm looking for and the personality traits I want =( Just the last few days has made me miss my abuser's good half even more because I feel like I'll never find that again.
I just have to keep reminding myself, he was cruel to me, he didn't like me, and he's not willing to change. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 12:56:49 PM | This is like saying that a rape is the woman's fault.
First I'd like to say Gwendolyn, I have allows really enjoyed your posts...
However this time I can actually see what is being said here. The abused does to look at herself first and for most... Meaning she needs to look at what is driving her to be with the man. What she sees in him verse what she sees in herself. She needs to ask herself if this is the life she wants to live, and is this what she really deserves.
It has been statedm repeatedly which I agree, that after a long while an abuseds energy is compleletly zapped, drained, and for a lot of women they now believe it is there fault. When a person decides it is time to get out they have to start looking within themself for the value they have to find in them. That this is NOT the only man that will have some sort of twisted sick interest in them.
One of the problems is that the abused hasn't done a self check for herself, she sees this man a lot of times as HER reality, and her responsibility to make happy, and she's been failing.
That is why it IS important for an abused person to look at themself... It isn't about who's to blame, but rather what the person that is being abused's motivational drive for this relationship and the others that she may have been in.
We can KNOW that the other person is at fault, and has issues, however the abused has to realize the difference between her self, her motivations, and then he will become seperate. None of here can solve the abusers problems, and or what is driving him, and a good portion of the time, it is the abused that has been trying to do that.
Forgive me if I got the wrong message, and I agree the abuser really needs something done, the what I'm not sure. Mine he got a few days in jail, and since this was his first considered offense, because the other women he abused never turned him in. He was on probation for almost two years. Extensive counseling, no booze no drugs...
I didn't go to court, because where I live they automatically put charges against him, and I figured that there was enough issues for them to sort through... His down fall, he disconnected a 911 call which is a felony...
I was trying to escape his house, and wasn't even his gf at the time.
I stated this in an earlier post, one problem the abused has, is that she thinks she can control an outburst. Instead of picking up and fleeing, she will stay and his anger and aggression escalates. Sometimes she can't flee, but that goes back to why she needs to focus on herself, and her children and have a plan of action of getting away from someone that is blowing their top...
I was abused as a kid too... I had to learn I couldn't fix my past, being an adult and having an abuser as a partner. Even though I was an adult, I still didn't have control of an out of control partner. Realizing the drawing factor was because I was used to the insane chaos, and those signs weren't apparent.
believe me, we sense them, but more times than not it is after we have already fallen for the guy.
I believe each person has to look within...That is way less likely for the abuser, because that would mean they'd have to admit what they are doing is wrong, and their fault... YEAH, that very seldom happens...
Eagle I am not sure where you get your psychiatric degree, but actually I don't agree with this statement.
This type of woman has two very common characteristics. The first is she has a non-assertive personality, a very common characteristic among women, and the second is she usually has a poor self image or low self esteem. Oddly enough this type of woman may even occupy a powerful position in the working world, but it is her emotional development where the problem lays.
There are as many different personality types in the abused as there are in abusers... I went through the abuse, and then have worked with the abused...
I have and have always had an assertive personality... Why the abuse happened in my marriage, it pissed him off that I could do all that I did, and voiced my disapproval of his behavior.
Yes I did have a poor self image... At the time I met my ex, I felt great about myself, but not really...I was trying to sort out my childhood, and unconsciously was doing it through my marriage...
2nd abuser, I was so far down on the scale of life because of many factors... He told me he'd love me like no other person has. He understood pain, and after all he was abused, and his mean momma had drove his dad to suicide...
The 2nd flaw was I given the message I needed to prove to him not all women are biotches... Dang if I couldn't meet those requirements... Everytime I asserted my desire to do something, or over stepped my bounds in what was expected of me, I was a biotch that needed to be put in her place...
In fact unless it has already been deleted someone posted last nite that it is womens fault, because of their mouth and what they need is a good smack in the face.
Yeah, spoken like a TRUE abuser
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 1:02:27 PM | Here's my assessment...
I'm guessing you were either abused or abandoned (physically and/or emotionally) as a child by your father or step-father. Grew up in a house-hold where dad showing up home, drunk, was common. I'm also guessing your mom took a lot of abuse.
So having grown up in terrible environment, you are predisposed to being attracted to terrible men. The one's you know are going to harm.
Now I'm about 95% sure that I'm right and if that's case here's what you should do:
This is a vicious cycle that will move from generation to generation. So first, don't have kids, not yet anyway. You have control of the wheel and really the only hope for you is therapy. I would also recommend not dating anyone until you sort everything out. If you do date, date someone that you DO NOT find attractive.
Good luck | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 1:03:34 PM | | Nope....not for one second will I put up with an abusive, or angry man....just had to respond to this one. An abusive man will tell you he's sorry over and over again, and as long as you are foolish enough to believe him, he'll continue to behave poorly. By the time a woman reaches a certain age, she will have learned. Sadly enough, some woman never learn...... | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 5:25:07 PM |
First I'd like to say Gwendolyn, I have allows really enjoyed your posts...
Thanks! I sometimes wonder if anyone reads what I write.
However this time I can actually see what is being said here. The abused does to look at herself first and for most...
Nexthyme, I understand what that poster was trying to say, but he went about it the wrong way; it might be a matter of semantics, but it was not phrased correctly.
I agree that a woman who stays with an abuser needs to change herself because she won't change the man, but the phrasing of that particular post didn't convey that well enough. It seemed to shift the blame from the abuser to the abused, which is exactly (as you and others have so aptly pointed out) what the abuser does.
This topic comes home to me because one of my best friends from childhood was killed by her abusive BF. He stepped over the line from abuser to murderer when she finally left him. At that point, the problem was him. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 7:44:05 PM |
This topic comes home to me because one of my best friends from childhood was killed by her abusive BF.
Gwen (hope you don't mind me calling you that), I am very sorry for what happened to your friend, I am sorry for your loss...
I understand the semantics, and some of that was posted, wellllllll it just didn't smack of kind emotions either, thus I said...
One of the most important things I did learn in getting away from my abuser, and then learning to heal, is that I had a hell of a lot more power and control then I thought I had. I felt helpless, but not so much as to what the abuser was doing, but rather because as a smart woman, why in the hell couldn't I be intellegent enough to not want to be with him.
Many many many times on these forums people will say you can't help who you love... Which in essence a person says they are a hostage to their feelings. The reality is we can chose to want to stay with someone we believe we love.
We can't force ourself to love someone we don't and that is a reality, but that isn't at issue.
When a person realizes they have more power than what they think they have, then they may start thinking through their choices...
As far as serious abusers, there are a lot of reasons for them, and not a single one has a sign on them that says they are abusive...That just means we women have to work harder to chose someone differently.
I can't speak for her abuser, or none of mine, and that includes my parents and what they did and allowed to be done to me... | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 8:34:02 PM | Because they made you feel like you had to. Emotional abuse is far more painful than physical. A bruise goes away, a break heals, painful words and actions last forever, after six years of no longer being in the relationship, I still find myself questioning my worth.
The hardest part about the whole relationship is if you were or are in love with your partner. Nobody in their right mind would marry a man with abusive traits if they knew them prior to getting married (at least I certainly wouldn't have!)
The bottom line is that you have to build self esteem and realize that maybe you did endure a long period of time when you would forgive and take him back (28 years in my case) but now forgive yourself for not allowing you to have the life you deserve free of abuse, torment or feeling so inferior that you would allow this to happen.
It is a long hard road, but not nearly as painful as the one you or anyone in your situation has endured. | |
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wfair
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Joined: 2/20/2008
Msg: 47 | |
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 8:47:25 PM | Dear Precious Woman Child,
My heart goes out to you. Firstly and most importantly do not blame yourself. If you know anything about what is loosely called our legal system, you know that even when women want to stay away from abuse, there is little or no help for them. Especially if they have children.
I was in an abusive marriage, I stayed for 15 years, I wanted my children to have a nice family life. I took all the abuse, it was mostly emotional, but there is no differation to the heart and soul in the manner in which the abuse happens.
I went into that marriage, because I had been abused all my life and I had such low self-esteem. I felt I was worthless. I still do sometimes.
I know what you mean about wondering whether there are any good men out there. I have to believe there are.
I have to believe that there has to be more good people out there than bad. There is so much bad in the world, that if good people didn't outweigh bad people, we would see not happiness anywhere in the world.
You know that you could ask this same question of men. I have met many men who are, have been and go back to abusive relationships. A 6' man being abused by a d5' woman. Seems ridiculous. However, these men have been taught and they have their own morals and values that make it impossible for them to hit a woman. Men suffer concussions and end up in the hospital too. They don't want to leave, because they are afraid to leave their children with their abusive wives and in most case the woman does get the children.
All of this is just so wrong. So indescribly sad. It is however reality.
I believe that working on increasing your self-esteem. How you feel about yourself. Believing that you are worthy and that you are worth much is the best step to take to get out and stay out of abusive relationships. Of course, this is only possible if you are in a finanical situation where you can get out and stay out, especially when you have children.
It is also important to change your self talk. Instead of hearing what abusers have told you you are, start telling yourself what you are. What you are is a vitally important person who deserves to be treated with kindness and respect.
It is kind of a buzz now, but there is a book and DVD's of the tape, called The Secret.
As the author states The Secret is nothing new. People throughout the ages have known it. In our negative world it is hard to keep focused on it. The Secret is what we all know. We know that when we believe, I don't mean, wish or just think, that things are good, but we believe they are good. We don't say I don't want to be abused, we need to say and believe, I am not abused. We attract what we think.
At the time of 911 there was a lottery in the U.S. that had three numbers. The numbers that won were 911. Why, the nation was thinking, feeling, focusing on those number. Collective thoughts accompained with beliefs made it happen.
Sister Therasa said she would never attend an anti-war demonstration. She would only attend a pro-peace demonstration. When the focus is on war, war will continue. When the focus is on peace, peace will occur, collective thinking and feeling and believing in it will make it happen.
My mother always told me from the time I was about 3, that I should stop doing that thing that I did that made my dad want to play with me. I had not idea what that thing was, but I knew it was something to do with what a man and a woman did. As I grew older she constantly told me that all men wanted from women was sex. I had no value, except to provide sex to a man. I never wore much make-up, but when I did she said I was making myself look good to attract a man to give him sex.
About 3 years ago, almost 40 years later, I started to spend more than 1 minute putting on my make-up. I started the self-talk then and I still do it while I put on make up. I am putting on make-up, because I look nice. I am not a slut and trying to pick up men. I deserve to feel good and look nice. It is getting easier.
You are already way ahead of the abuse. You recogonize what is happening and you are wondering why you do it. Sadly, many abused individuals are never able to even do that. You are a survivor of abuse.
Try to tell yourself and more importantly feel and believe that you deserve to be treated like a princess. You are worth everything good and nice. You are with a good, loving and caring man who treats you with respect and admiration.
After all I have been through and all I have seen as a special education teacher, I still believe there is good out there. I still believe that there are good men out there.
I have found it very useful to remember that people will only treat you the way you deserve to be treated. It is easy to fall back to being treated in cruel ways, by men and other people.
Abusers are controllers. Their prey are generally individuals who are givers. So the controllers, the takers look for the givers. Unfortunately, they are very good at spotting us. They so often come in sheep's clothing.
All humans need other humans. Often we are afraid or have been taught or told by our abusers that no one else would want us and we don't want to be alone.
When we do break free, which it sounds like you have, we are either alone or find ourselves in the same abusive situation, the only thing that has changed is the face of the abuser.
Look to others for help and support. When feeling lonely call on people to do things with, even if it is just talking. Go out. Never feel that you need a man to complete you. You are complete. When a man and a woman find one another and it is a positive relationship they do compliment each other. If one person tends to have to analzye and be sure their decisions are right, the easy going partner helps them to let go and just try it. When the easy going person starts to do things without thinking them out first, the analyzer helps to keep everything on course. This is what they mean by opposites attract. We compliment each other.
Please be gentle with yourself. Please believe you ARE NOT what your abuser calls you. Please believe the abuse is not your fault. Please believe that it is the abuser who is sick. Please believe it is the abuser who is bad. Please believe you are good.
I do not say anything of things lightly and I know they are very hard to believe. It takes work. I have not been on this site long, but have already met two liars, who abused me by making me feel hopeful and good about men and then destroying that once again. I almost went off the site last week. I e-mailed the four men I had as favorites, as I think it unkind to just disappear and I wanted to explain why I was deleting them and leaving the site. All four of them replied, which truthfully surprised me. They were concerned that they may have been less than gentlemanly, hurt my feelings or said something that hurt me.
They did not have to reply to me, they did not have to be concerned. Maybe they will end up being jerks too. However, for now they gave me back hope that there are some good men out there. Some good people out there. They made me focus on the positive again. I thank them for that.
I pray that you are able to find ways to feel and believe you are the precious individua you are. I believe that when you truly feel and believe that you will attract the good men. I believe, after all I have been through and after all I have seen other go through, that there is the happily ever after.
You have made the first big steps, recognizing that you are being abused and wondering why you keep going back to it. You know the familiar, even though it may be horrible, is sometimes better than the unknown. Some famous guy said that the only thing to fear is fear itself.
I think Gandhi was very wise when he wrote, "Be the change you want to see."
If you haven't heard the song "Stupid Boy" by Keith Urban or "Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk" or something like that by Kelly Clarkson and Reba MacEntire, I think they are worth a listen.
As Keith Urban sings, Who ever gave you the right to take a life and shape it and use it for your own devises. She never even knew she could, but when she found out she could, she was gone, long gone, you stupid boy. The words are not verbatium. Kelly Clarkson was abused.
Believe in yourself. Believe you are the precious and valuable person you are.
If you ever want to e-mail me, please don't hesitate.
Take care.
God Bless.
wfair | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 9:14:30 PM | Unfortunately, some women never learn to recognize the signs that someone is an abuser. Those women go from one abuser to another and miss the warning signs every time. The signs are actually universal among abusers. Most women (fortunately) can see the signs a mile away and avoid these type guys. Here they are:
1. Abusive guys are egocentric. The world literally revolves around themselves.
2. Abusive dudes are controlling. They want to know where the woman is and what she's doing at all times, but don't want her to know what they're up to.
3. Abusive guys have usually been abused themselves.
4. Abusive guys have strong presuppositions about men's and women's roles, eg: "Women should never embarrass the men they're with." "Men should be the decision-makers in all cases." "Women should always submit to men." "Women shouldn't talk so much."
5. Abusive guys rationalize their behavior positively and the behavior of those who disagree with them negatively.
6. Abusive dudes usually have substance abuse problems (alcohol and/or drugs)
7. Abusive dudes don't recognize and handle stress in positive ways. The abuse largely serves to relieve tension.
8. Abusive dudes tend to project their own perceived weaknesses and flaws onto their significant others.
9. Abusive dudes minimize their lack of self-control and the extent of their violence.
10. Abusive dudes haven't resolved the abuse they received themselves (sometimes years ago) so they don't know how to stop abusing without feeling powerless.
The above markers are universal for abusers. Abuse usually starts out being minor and increases gradually. It's insidious. Control issues early on are always the first signs, along with drug or alcohol use. The physical violence usually comes last, and can occur weeks, months, or years into the relationship. By the time the physical violence starts, the abusive pattern has already become the chief feature of the relationship.
TO ALL THE WOMEN: The time to recognize a potential abuser is before he starts laying a hand on you. Most women know how to recognize a gut feeling that something is wrong with a dude and they get out long before it turns physical. Whether someone is nice, charming, intelligent, good-looking, or whatever, has nothing to do with it. A dude can have a lot going for him vocationally and financially and still have most or all of the abuser signs above.
One more tip: if you are "thrilled" by specific things about a guy (humor, good manners, positive activities, hobbies, good conversation, etc) that's a good sign and it's healthy. However, if you are "thrilled" by the guy himself, but you can't pinpoint anything objective about it---RUN. A "thrilling" or "excited" feeling with no basis behind it is often the woman's gut telling her to get out of there! Perpetual victims always misinterpret that.
(My sister was in an abusive marriage for years, so she communicated some of things she learned through the years. Thankfully, she got out of that relationship. I hope this helps some women.) | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 9:28:17 PM | | I have experience abuse in relationships and I understand. It does make you go "crazy" as you try to make sense of what the F...K just happened?? The person you trust, the person you believed loves you and you love just hurt you, and hurt you in a very bad way. Their behavior shocks you so badly that you question your beliefs and reality. The more times this happens the less trust you have in yourself, the more you lose your connection to the person you really are. So many of the posts here touch on this with different ways of expressing it. The person who said look to yourself for the answers has been questioned about the way he expressed it as if the victim should blame herself, no, the abused person should take responsibility for her/his life is the way I read his post. And it is a message I agree with, because you cannot change anyone but yourself, people can be motivated or inspired to change themselves by other people, but the work has to be done by the individual. There is help for everybody who wishes to change the way their life is unfolding, for everybody who wishes to live a happy and fulfilled life. I found it in a combination of books, friends, family, counseling, and even in this forum. Cognitive therapy deals with the way you talk to yourself, sometimes we are our own worst enemies without even being aware of it. Other people do pick up our unconscious beliefs about ourselves as we pick up theirs, and thus we feel a connection. I was never more motivated to work on becoming emotionally healthy than by the statement by a counselor who said you will only attract and be attracted to people who are as emotionally healthy as I am. Water and people find their own level, and when the stress and pain become to great we will find ways to break free. The answers lie within each of us, but it often takes the help of others to find them, so keep reaching out, keep asking, and the answers will guide you to finding your inner truth. You will learn to read the RED FLAGS, you will learn to trust yourself and your gut feelings, you will believe that you deserve to be happy, and you will attract people who believe that about you as well. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 9:38:44 PM | | i've not read all the posts.. but the last one.. first half sentence .. " the emotion from the brain.... addicted to the drug" ummmm NO.. maybe it's all a girl has ever known? NO fault of her own that men have always abused or used her just because she was born a girl? Maybe she never knew it WAS abuse as oppose to just a way of life? That is just how it was? All adults treated kids that way? Maybe she never knew things could, God forbid SHOULD be different? I just want to puke or knock some sense into the last poster.. GEESH... How nice it must have been to have such a perfect life!!!! OMG... dont pray for me.. lets pray for him.. Im a survivor.. I made it.. He needs help! | |
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