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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 9:43:10 PM | | i will go back and read all posts because i should.. i never knew i was "abused" or mistreated until AFTER I was almost 40 yrs old.. it was just how it was... no questions asked... I've got a lot to learn!!! | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 9:44:55 PM | My dad was VERY abusive towards me....I can relate to everything said in this forum here. I have learned quite a lot about abuse and how to handle/overcome/heal from it....
I have had no contact with my so called "dad" since 1995....when I was 19....I have no regrets about it either...
You can't change how these people act...you can change how you react to it...and realize, like somebody said earlier, that you have a lot more power than you realize.
You can't let them control you....be it by giving in, or flying into a rage at them...or modifying your behavior somehow....because then that wat they win....THEY'RE in control.
I have told girl friends (not girlfriends) about my abusive background....I hope they don't conclude that I'm that way...since I went through it with my dad.....nothing could be further from the truth..... | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 10:12:42 PM |
Why is it so hard to distinguish between the nice and horrible hurtful men out there? Granted they are not all idiots, but where do you even start to find a nice one!!
Why is it you can be drawn to the wrong man, and even after all the abuse, still go back?
How can you make yourself stronger and learn to just let go?
All comments and help greatly appreciated, this is so hard.
From my experience in dealing with those that are in and keep going back to them, is that they often were raised in that sort of environment. Their father (or stepfather, or other "father figure") was probably abusive to their mother, or even them. It's what they have learned is the way a man "shows love". I'm not saying this is the case for all women like this, but it often goes with a low self esteem. Another thing I've seen is they grew up with a single mother that went from one abusive relationship to another, so they never learned what it was like to be a confident woman. To break this cycle, they need to start looking in themselves and start seeing their own personal value, and start believing that they are worth someone better than some guy that they will keep going back to. The abusive guy will also probably try to reaffirm the womans feelings of low self worth by telling them that no one else would want them or take them. They do this to try and keep their power over them. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 10:42:13 PM | sweet heart watch and learn!!
never ever go back to a guy like that there is no way on earth he is ever gonna change babes he just doesnt wanna let go of the good thing that he has!!
the instance a guy starts treating u like crap u have to leave believe me i put up with it for a long time and he broke me down completly til i didnt even kno who i was anymore!
he ****ed my head basically til i was at the point where i was his little puppet...
basically i just did what he told me and to **** with the rest of the world...
which was wrong anyway guys like this just chip away at ur confidence til theres nothing left his plan is to break u down completeley... mine is to get u to break away!
unless u wanna spend ur life simpering away at the edges love then theres nothing else left to give....
if u wanna venture out there and show the world what ur made of then ****ing go for it u r a free spirit never ever get caught in anyones shit just do what u have to do and live ur life the way u wanna!!
if anyone dares to dictate to u darlin put them strAIGHT AND LET THEM KNO HOW U REALLY FEEL...
UR AS FREE AS THE NEXT ONE COMES...
TAKE CARE SWEETIE..
XX BY THE WAY IF ANY GUY EVER RAISES HIS FIST TO U THEN U REALLY HAVE TO GET OUT ASAP COS THEY WILL KEEP GOING TIL THEY KILL U BELIEVE ME...
JUST BE URSELF HUNNI **** WHAT HE THINKS GET OUT ASAP
LUV YA AND GOOD LUCK
PLEASE TAKE MY ADVICE SWEETHEART
XX
XX | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 11:04:27 PM | DARLING U CAN DO SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH BETTER THAN WHAT U THINK U CAN
I dunno about u but i have been treated in an absoluteley dire way by men all my life...
i dont wanna go into the really nasty stuff but basically ive been used and abused since i was 7 yrs old...
forget that anyway the fact of the matter is u can make urself strong regardless of what anybody says!
all u have to do is remember how far u have come **** what anybody else says!!
its true all u need to do is remember the fact that u r ur own person and screw what the rest of them say!!
u r a ****ing wicked intelligent gal **** the rest of the doollally twats!!
u seem like u got ur head screwed on and i appreciate that!!
for u my dear u should have everything going!
just remember to take care of urself and have love for urself even when the rest of the world doesnt!
cos baby u need it **** what they all say!!
faye
xx | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/10/2008 11:44:13 PM | Thank you so much for your insight on this topic. I very much value
and appreciate the male perspective being explained so bluntly! I'm
and educated person, and i never made that connection for myself! | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/11/2008 12:05:23 AM | Women turn men into abusive monsters.
Chances are if a man is abusive and hurtful, a woman made him that way.
Women screw around with guys alot, thats why its important to never let a girl think you like them.
Its the bed you broads make, so lie in it. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/11/2008 12:27:12 AM |
Women turn men into abusive monsters.
Chances are if a man is abusive and hurtful, a woman made him that way.
Women screw around with guys alot, thats why its important to never let a girl think you like them.
Its the bed you broads make, so lie in it.
So, a woman made you come on here and make these accusations? I have faced my share of rejection, but I have never found it to make me want to be abusive. I blame it more on the jack holes that screw women around and make them weary about being with any guy. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/11/2008 1:46:42 AM | Hi aurielle,
I have been on this site many times before,and the message is just the same,love yourself first,and everything else will eventually fall into place. If you honestly believe that you are second best,then you will always settle for second best.You don't deserve that. Take a break from men,for a wee while anyway,and get to know who YOU are. Decide that you are a nice enough person to get a nice guy,who will treat you as well as you will treat him,but set out several rules for yourself before you go out with anyone.I don't mean trivial things like him liking things that you don't like,I mean rules like,NO cheating,NO abuse,physical,mental,or sexual. Make it that if he does these things then you're off,no matter how much you fancy him.
Move on.Some wise person once said that there are bigger and better fish in the sea than ever came out of it,and there are plenty still there,according to a site that I visit often. Good luck!! | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/11/2008 2:19:52 AM | | I am dating someone who is verbally abusive and its really scaring me. I cry alot and tell him that he hurts me but he says I am exagerating and making a big deal out of nothing. He will argue with me to where i am exausted and don't even want to talk to him anymore, because he wants to prove he is right and I am wrong. My feelings don't count. I feel like a jerk for letting him in my life. Even worse that I thought I loved him. I want to be loved so bad I end up letting myself be abused just to have someone in my life. I hate being alone and lonely. Yes I know that is not good. Yet I date and date and go through so many that are abusive I get tired of it and settle for someone abusive just to have someone in my life. It makes no sense but its the way it is. I let this guy move in with me because he got evicted and he had no place to go. I was so lonely and needed financial help and I was so attracted to him physically I let him move in. Now I regret it big time and don't know what to do. If I make him leave i will be alone again and broke and not able to pay the bills. When I let him move in I had run out of oil and had no money for oil and they were going to turn off my electric. Plus my car was dying so he offered to help with all that and be my boyfriend. I got myself tangled up in something that was not good for me in the long run. Yes I have oil and electric and my car fixed but I am so unhappy. I want him to leave but he says we can work this out and then he just keeps doing the same things. Am i stupid or what? | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/11/2008 2:39:40 AM | Hey everyone, some really great answers to this post.
Couple of years ago as part of my community service training, I did an intensive
domestic violence course. One of the BIG questions there, is why does the abused
keep going back. One of the scariest answers, that was revealed showed that statistically, over 45 percent of women who leave there partners, within 2 years end up
maimed or dead. Pretty scary stuff aye, when you think about it. But It makes perfect
sense. When the abuser, loses his control over his victim, he becames even more
desperate to maintain that control, that he can actually become even more dangerous.
Also as has already been mentioned on other posts, finances plays another important factor. And combine this with the fact that, the women is alone, as quite often the
abuser has removed her friends and family supports.. The woman will need
tremendous courage to walk away with no money, no friends, no family, and the
possibility of revenge from the abuser. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/11/2008 9:05:14 AM |
Women turn men into abusive monsters.
Chances are if a man is abusive and hurtful, a woman made him that way.
Women screw around with guys alot, thats why its important to never let a girl think you like them. Its the bed you broads make, so lie in it.
I would like to think that you are being sarcastic, but somehow, I don't think so. This is a clear case of rationalization--an "explanation" for absolutely unacceptable behavior.
I can only hope that ANY women who considers dating you reads this forum; I would hate for a woman to lie in your bed.
I can only hope that YOU will get some help. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/11/2008 10:38:35 AM |
Women turn men into abusive monsters.
If the reverse is also true I would be one lethal dame...
It is about free choice in how you react to others. I tend to just leave, not try and beat them up. | |
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feg1
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Joined: 4/21/2008
Msg: 65 | |
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/11/2008 10:43:33 AM | | ah now dont think am bein in anyway cheeky,cause am no,its this simple.ur lifes un managable thats all,cause if u could manage ur life u would,nt take (him)the rubbish u take,ah could use other words but ah,d get banned fae here.phil | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/11/2008 11:34:06 AM | This is like saying that a rape is the woman's fault.
While some women (or men, but I will use the female pronoun here) have certain emotional characteristics that make them prey for abusers, your claim absolves the abuser. The problem is truly the person who does the abusing. Not only is this true from the standpoint of the adult women being abused, but early childhood development where she might have witness her mother being abused.
Same with the abuser, but if he/she didn't exist, there would be no abused.
You suggest counseling for the abused--which I wholeheartedly agree--but to say it is her "problem" without mentioning the problems of the other party is ludicrous.
Perhaps you would like to rephrase your statement?
No I don't care to rephrase my statement. My observations are based upon years of experience where I've met just too many women who were the victims of abuse. The problem lays directly on the shoulders of the abused and not the abuser. Before I go on, I have also know and met an incredible number of men in my life. I can talk to a man for a few minutes and pretty much know how he treats his women.
Let me start off with a simple common idea and maybe you'll see where I'm coming from. If you fool me once, shame on you. If you fool me twice, shame on me. Unfortunately, many women and obviously you don't fully understand the truth of these two statements.
Somewhere down the road we have to starting taking responsibility for our lives and our happiness too. It doesn't lay in another person's prerogative but only ours. And this is what so many women fail to see, and as a result, they suffer years of hell. In short, they waste their whole lives in a tragic situation.
I know this is difficult for many people to see. Their reasoning goes like this. The abuser is the bad person, and someone, the authorities or the police or God knows who, should stop him. The argument is extended to remove the responsibility for the abuse from the abused to the abuser. Then the abused can just lament her situation and say poor me and cry to anyone who'll listen.
It isn't easy to escape from abuse, but it won't do any good to target the abuser to remedy the situation. The abused must remove herself from the situation and seek help. She must gain insight into her problem and develop the awareness to change her behavior. Yes it is a very difficult task for most women and many never do it.
Also I want to point out that a woman who gets out of an abusive relationship with one man without gaining any awareness will simply fall into the same circumstances again because the world is full of domineering, controlling, demanding, and abusive men. This is changing somewhat as women gain more economic and social freedom, but changing mores won't do much for people of our generation.
The Eagle | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/11/2008 12:29:44 PM | The same reasons that men go back to abusive women. You've been groomed over your life to accept some degredacious behaviour as normal and from that began to believe that you deserve the abuse. It isn't true. The only way that works, to my mind, is to end it yourself. Your partner won't. He or she gets to dump a lot of bad feeling by beating you up either emotionly or physically so your abuse is a plus for him or her.
The only way is to walk away and not go back. If you do go back it just means you've had your snit and have returned to your world of abuse.
I realize that I've just done the equalivent of telling a smoker that the only way to quit smoking is to not smoke. Like that it ain't so easy.
Get in touch with your doctor, clergyman, womens' groups and, in the case of physicial abuce, the police.
One of the cardinal points is to work on your self esteem. You really don't deserve that shit. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/11/2008 12:38:15 PM | If "working it out" doesn't involve councelling, it isn't. Get a roommate, a girl or a gay guy. Someone who doesn't clout the issue with sex.
Short answer? Get rid of him before he starts hitting you. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/11/2008 12:46:42 PM | I used to volunteer with Victim Assistance and unfortunately it's a very common cycle. In my experience women do not leave an abusive relationship until they have a good support system/plan to fall back on. It's all about security. How many times have you heard someone say " it's better to be with the devil you know, than the devil you don't know"?
Not to worry. When you feel strong enough to stand on your own with the support you need from family, friends and community, you too will put an end to the cycle.
Namaste | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/11/2008 12:49:16 PM | | I thinkk that it's about maturity. The simple ability to take responsibility for one's own actions. I think that abusers simply project their own shortcommings on others and punish the others' for that transgresssion. Murder would be suicide by proxy. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/11/2008 12:49:51 PM | I don't know what you mean by abusive....does he take a swing at you after he's had a hard day? Does he have unpredictable moods that make you uncomfortable but have nothing to do with you? there are all kinds of scenarios. You want to know how to not go back? get a therapist. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/11/2008 1:34:03 PM |
The problem lays directly on the shoulders of the abused and not the abuser.
Aha, so I did NOT misunderstand you the first time.
The abuser is the bad person, and someone, the authorities or the police or God knows who, should stop him. The argument is extended to remove the responsibility for the abuse from the abused to the abuser. Then the abused can just lament her situation and say poor me and cry to anyone who'll listen.
So, instead, society should say, "Poor abuser--he had a bad childhood and we need to overlook his/her behavior. Instead of trying to work out his/her problems, let's just concentrate on the abused"?
You are absolving the abuser of any responsibility for his/her action. When my friend left her abusive BF, he came after her--was she at fault for finally taking that responsibility? Should he NOT be in prison for his role in the relationship?
Leaving an abusive relationship is not always simple; even when the abused reaches an understanding, sometimes, it is too late.
The problem and the solution is with both parties: the abuser needs to get help and the abused likewise needs to overcome whatever sends him/her back to be abused. To quote an old cliche, it takes two to tango. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/11/2008 3:23:38 PM | You still don't understand. I don't think you'll ever have an aha experience in this regard. Your attitude is common among most people, because they think that society should go after the abuser and bring him to justice so to speak. The world isn't fair, and the reality is that the only people who'll get help are those who seek it. We don't have the resources or time to right all wrongs.
We are talking about abuse to women. Those women who don't want abuse have to change themselves to escape from it. Their problem is with themselves not the abuser, and once they understand this and leave the situation the abuser is no longer their problem.
The argument can be reversed and focused on the abuser. In any case, I've noticed in your posts that you relish taking things out of context so you can point out some perceived error. I guess you get off on that, because you go on endlessly with your argument which doesn't do a thing for the abused. In your senario, she would be endlessly subjected to an abusive relationship waiting for society or God to rectify all that's wrong with the world.
Finally, the police and the legal system are slow at resolving anything involving emotional human issues. How many men end up doing any significant jail time for abusing their women? Probably not a lot unless they kill them. So in short, I'm not responsible for your happiness or anybody else's. Neither is society, the police, the legal system or any other entity. I'm responsible for my own happiness.
The Eagle | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/11/2008 5:10:35 PM |
You still don't understand.
Why do you think that because I disagree with you that I don't understand what you are saying? I understand your position, and while you are right about women removing themselves from such situations, you are wrong about it being solely their "fault" or that simply walking away stops the abuse.
The world isn't fair, and the reality is that the only people who'll get help are those who seek it.
Again, I had a best friend from childhood killed by her abusive BF, but he didn't kill her until she left him. She sought help, and she took the needed measure to remove herself, but he came after her. Since you claim that the responsibility rests solely with the abused, it would seem that you think she is responsible for her death and the murderer is absolved.
Another incident that happened even more recently was to my daughter-in-law's sister. After her BF beat her the first time (with no prior warning that he was violent), she went back to him to get beaten two more times. While the responsibility for the last two beatings rested on her, the man who beat her is JUST as responsible.
After the third time, she didn't go back, so he harassed family and friends, taking an ax to my son's car and to his mother-in-law's car, causing thousands of dollars worth of damage.
Your attitude is common among most people, because they think that society should go after the abuser and bring him to justice so to speak.
Are you saying that society should NOT bring him to justice? Are you saying that abusers shouldn't be punished for their abusiveness?
In your senario, she would be endlessly subjected to an abusive relationship waiting for society or God to rectify all that's wrong with the world.
Boy, talk about people taking things out of context: I SAID that BOTH sides of the issue need to be addressed: women need to learn how to recognize an abuser and stay out of such relationships, and men need to "learn" how to stop abusing.
If I suspected that a woman was in an abusive relationship, I would tell her to run, not to stay there and wait for "society or God" to take care of her. If she were to wait for either, she could soon be a dead woman.
I'm responsible for my own happiness.
Absolutely, and I am responsible for mine. However, I--and millions of other people--pay taxes in order to have a legal system that is supposed to help protect me from harm and to reform (punish) those who inflict harm. | |
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