|
|
|
|
|
| |
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/14/2008 1:42:33 PM | Abusive women.. why do we forgive and go back ?
It goes BOTH ways my dear..
It seems that the good ones are outnumbered by the bad ones..
People just don't raise their children right.
It is up to us to learn how to identify these people and stay away from them. | |
|
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/14/2008 1:47:09 PM | | I realize this isn't always the case and probably not even normal but I have met a couple women that complain every man they meet is a jerk and/or abuses them. But then I see the way they treat the men. They will be all sweet to any guy they date and then when they think they have him under their thumb they not only try to walk all over him but they **** and complain about everything. They tell the guys their worthless and threaten to leave them all the time. I have even seen them hit guys thinking it's ok because he can't hit them back. From what I seen these particular ladies are the abusers and actually think they treat people great. The problem is everyone has a breaking point and these women push these guys way past their breaking point, then if he snaps and hits them or pushes or what ever, he is considered an abuser. I think if we keep getting the same kind of people, we need to take a deep look at ourselves and see how we treat people. In others words treat people the same way you want to be treated and see how the other person acts then. | |
|
| |
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/14/2008 3:03:25 PM | | I have often wondered why some women choose an abusive man over one that treats her with respect and dignity. I have personally witnessed this on multiple occasions and it absolutely puzzles me. Why, would you want someone that hurts and degrades you? | |
|
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/14/2008 3:36:11 PM | Most men who are abusive hide it with a personality that is attractive to most women....men and women have weaknesses that work against them in relationships...for men it's usualy sex and looks,a woman looks good and most likely a man with give her a try red flags flying and all...she's "hot" so he can't resist,later the real woman comes out...women on the other hand are taken by charm,wit,intelligence.....and yes money.
The guy flatters them,tells them what they want to hear,makes them laugh,buys them stuff,ect...then later on the real man comes out...men could do themselves a big favor by not being quite so concerned about looks,not that you shouln't have a physical attraction but it doesn't have to be earth moving for you to get to know a woman and fall in love...and women perhaps shouldn't be so quick to judge a man's wit and charm,especialy in cyberspace .I read in the forums where a guy was asking why women ignore messages,the reasons most often given were that too many men here are "unimaginative"..."bland"....and "boring"...realy...all that from one message on computer screen from a man you don't even know,"Hi" or "Hello" is usualy the way most things start. | |
|
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/14/2008 9:08:16 PM | Well all women will have different reasons and excuses. My reasons were I was young and stupid and I truly believed him when he said he was sorry and it wouldnt happen again. I also thought if I stayed my love would be enough to change him. To be quite honest I only got out of my abusive relationship because he went to jail (on unrealated stuff) and so I could finally get my head clear and realize that he would eventually go through with his threats and kill me if I stayed. Its been a long road though, I left him over 3 and a half years ago and he still calls from time to time and when I tell him to leave me alone he threatens me and he even assaulted me a few months ago. So I guess im proof that even getting out of an abusive relationship doesnt end the abuse. Best of luck getting out of an abusive relationship if you are currently in one. | |
|
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/15/2008 8:44:24 AM | Well, I think it goes like this,
1st when you meet them., they bait you in, on how they want the same things out of life that you do, the faithful loving caring respecting and honest spouse!
Then they tell you how hard they work and how hard they worked at giving the women that hurt them so bad, and was so crazy, and there standing in front of you, is this most wonderful soft spoken and genuine man, and you want so bad to have finally done it right and met someone with the same values and dreams as you.
He treats you like you are the only one in the room, and the world for all that matters.
Then he gets bored with you, nothing you have done, changed about your self or anything at all, but now you are trying harder and harder to get him to feel the same and treat you the same as in the beginning,, then ,,comes the wierd phone calls and he disappears, or all of a sudden, he does not want you with him or is not where he is to be, and he starts to put all the blame on you,, comparing you with all the other women before you, how they were crazy and insecure, and always accusing him when there was never a reason, and how you changed from that sweet woman he met.
then as I have come to conclude from growing up to this great age of 46!!
when a man is guilty he will point that finger at you and accuse you of anything he can
to make himself feel better, he will try his damndest to make you feel crazy and let me tell you,, when i was a child I learned from a cheating father and many other cheating relatives to a cheating brother,, that when a man starts to act these ways, and is togood to be true when you meet, then do what I have learned in this relationship that I am finally strong enough to pack up and get out, because I am not crazy and I am strong.
follow your gut feelings, when there is something just not right, and you do not know what, or something pops in your head,, and you do not know why,, do some checking,,
see I heard so many bad things about this one and this one and this one,, I met the very first one that he married,, oh he was only married once,, but there is deffinitely a reason for that,, I met his wife, who he married as a 16 year old pregnant and he was 17,, he treated her awful,, he drank and for 20 years, he had her thinking that noone would want her and he had many women, while she sat at home,, and he would lie to her face and over and over, destroy their home and was very mean and cruel,,
when i met him, it was all her, she would not treat him like a husband,, all this,, well,
i know this lady and she is wonderful,, and i have been with him a year and half and january till august was wonderful, then the beating started once a month,, it was my fault and jim beams,,, then he would act like nothing happened,, the things he has said to me will last forever luckily the beatting did not scar me,, I am leaving in june,, and will not look back,, but I have kept track of the women that he hooked up with on adult friend finder, and they will be getting pictures of each beatting i have had,, and I will wish them all the luck in the world, because I know the stories he loves to tell, and these women know he is in a relationship because the advertises as statewide47 on adult friend finder that he is married and wants a discreet relationship,, because he is bored,, this man is 53 old and weathered from the sun, he is a farmer, does not have a sexy bone in his body, but a good story, and very smooth,, so,
here is my advice,,,,,if it slides like a snake,,,,,,,,,,he is
if he is to good to be true-------he is
he has been done wrong so many times and he does not know whymaybe he would let you talk to some of these women and see
how they could treat such a good man this way..........I bet he does not talk to any of them,, they are crazy and scare him!!!But most of all
Go with your intuition, because it is something special that women have and there is a reason for a second thought or a question
As I have to learn now, How to look myself in the mirror and like what I see, and to see what other people see and are always complimenting me on,,, then maybe you will be able to pick the right one, as I hope to be able to do someday, if I can learn to trust again,, good luck and i mean that..............connie | |
|
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/15/2008 8:58:24 AM | | Because some women are idiots and gluttons for punishment. You go for the A-hole pretty boys. instead sof someone who appreciates you. My advice is when someone hits you or is abusive to leave. The first time someone beats you you should leave. if they are verbally ausive therapy jmay work but then agian it may not. I notice many people hate themselves and take out their emotional problems on others. Stay away formt hese people and get rid of them. | |
|
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/15/2008 9:02:22 AM | | i beg to differ on this one!!!!! i did everything in my power to make my spouse happy, but it wasnt good enough for him. an abuser has deep emotional problems that need to be worked on. sounds to me like you are the abusive type, so thanks for the warning, now any woman that sees your profile will hopefully stay far away from a man like you!!!!! maybe you will be lucky to find some woman that abuses you and see how you feel and see if you think it is all your fault. { oh, i forgot most abusers think they are perfect so they just blame the woman anyways, my bad!!} | |
|
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/15/2008 9:08:23 AM | | This is very similar to a thread I began a few months ago asking why abused women give the abusers another chance knowing it will never change. There were some good answers, but not really the ones I was/am still looking for. I'll read through these and maybe I'll get the answers I am looking for. But I often wonder that very same thing OP, I really do, when there are so many great guys looking for a great woman and a piece of sh*t dude can just abuse them and not think twice about it. | |
|
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/15/2008 9:14:52 AM |
You go for the A-hole pretty boys. instead sof someone who appreciates you.
Gotta agree with Alienware Adam. I don't know how many women have told me that they love the "bad boys". I can understand a 16-year-old girl saying that; but it's stupid for a grown woman to talk like that. Any woman who is looking for a chaotic, rebel-type guy with an edge is asking for trouble. Any guy who has his shít together outgrows the "bad-boy" bullshít by the time he's in his early twenties. Guys who are responsible, dependable, and who pay their bills and own up to things have outgrown the "bad-boy" bullshít.
I know many women will try to explain the stupidity by saying that having "an edge" means only that the guy is spontaneous or daring in some way. However, when you look at the losers that some women are willing to get with---their explanations don't hold up. A "Bad-boy" invariably means a guy who is irresponsible, has a chip on his shoulder, or both. Women need to learn not to be attracted to @ssholes like that in the first place. Many potential abusers (though not all) have those "bad-boy" qualities, and it's dumb as hell for a grown woman to get taken in by that. Change your priorities! | |
|
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/15/2008 9:16:49 AM | | thank you for the message. my ex has a very well known and respected image in public there would have been no way i could have told anyone how he was at home, they wouldnt believe me. he is also not the type to do anything that would land him in jail, remember he is mr. perfect!!!! he has everyone believing that i am mentally unstable just as he did with his last wife. i have gotten away, and even though it is tough, i will not go back to someone that had me to the point where i wanted to kill myself from feeling so useless. i have had the chance to step back and realize i do matter in this world!!!! remember, alot of abusers dont hit, sometimes i think that would have been easier, its the words and actions that cut the deepest.. | |
|
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/15/2008 12:15:06 PM | ^^Godschield:
You need to stick with being a "practicing Christian" and let go of the insults. I didn't say what I said just to take up space. Anyone who has "half a lepton for a brain" knows that the best way for ANYONE (women or men) to avoid being abused is to learn to better recognize potential abusers. I put a list on the other page citing some of the common characteristics of abusers. In my last post, I mentioned the fact that many women look for "bad-boy" types who invariably have issues. That exposes women to potential abuse when they are attracted to guys with any "rebellion" or "chip-on-the-shoulder" issues. You can look through some of the women's profiles on the site here and see hundreds of women who profess a preference for the "bad-boy" type. I think it's ridiculous.
If we're going to talk about reducing abuse, let's talk about reducing abuse.
1) People (especially women) need to better recognize potential abusers.
2) Women who are currently being abused need to be encouraged incessantly, patiently, and lovingly, to LEAVE. Not this "you'll leave when you're ready" nonsense. The only appropriate encouragement is: Get Out Now (but said gently and patiently.)
Godschield: if you have some criticism about my statements, then be specific and don't cop out with an insult. | |
|
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/15/2008 12:47:30 PM | ^^If you're sharing your faith with people, then that's bound to help some women leave an abusive situation. That's a great thing, Godschield. As far as a learning curve goes, I respect that. However, the only way a "learning curve" is going to help women is when they learn enough to leave immediately. Otherwise, a woman can very well end up murdered while she's "learning".
I hope more and more women learn to avoid potential abusers. If they find themselves in an abusive situation, I hope more women have friends like Godschield who have been through it, and who can help them find the courage to leave immediately.
If you're a woman who's being abused right now and you're reading this: LEAVE TODAY. Get out of there and go to a relative, or a friend, or a local church. People will help you, even without advance notice. Get out of there. Don't think about it, just get out. Don't look back, either. He's not going to change. My sister went through this, so I know from her. Get out of there today. | |
|
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/15/2008 12:47:31 PM | i was in a abusive relationship for 14 yrs but only when he had had alcohol, when he was sober he was a great guy,but i couldnt get him to stay of it, i suppose i stayed cause i thought he would change as he got older, but he didnt it just got worse,so on the 1st of may 1996 i walked out ,went to stay with a friend till i got my own place,i found it hard as i missed him so much ,he kept beggi n me to go back sayin he would change but i knew he wouldnt as id heard it all before,and now when i look back im so glad i did it just wish it hadnt taken 14 yrs as i feel i have wasted a big part of my life | |
|
| |
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/15/2008 1:40:35 PM | | I totally agree with you 100%...Women get away with it cos they do know some men wont hit back...when I was in my 20's an 18 yr old girl beat the living daylights out of some guy she spat on him kicked him where it hurt the most and when he was on the ground in pain she laid the boot in...he eventually got up and beat the crap out of her...he was charged with assult...she looked at the cops and said..."Look at the difference in our sizes...How could i do that to someone like him"...He was in the airforce and she was 5'1 he was 5'9...she got let off...It is wrong... | |
|
| |
Yawg
|
Joined: 5/21/2007
Msg: 120 | |
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/15/2008 1:56:45 PM |
I totally agree with you 100%...Women get away with it cos they do know some men wont hit back...when I was in my 20's an 18 yr old girl beat the living daylights out of some guy she spat on him kicked him where it hurt the most and when he was on the ground in pain she laid the boot in...he eventually got up and beat the crap out of her...he was charged with assult...she looked at the cops and said..."Look at the difference in our sizes...How could i do that to someone like him"...He was in the airforce and she was 5'1 he was 5'9...she got let off...It is wrong...
He was charged with assault because he committed assault. There is a huge difference between defending yourself and taking the offensive. One person's crime does not absolve the victim from doing whatever they want in retaliation. | |
|
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/18/2008 9:49:55 AM | Hi ~
This might explain why you wrote what you did regarding "why do people care anyway when people don't write back?"
Your style is very minimizing of others feelings...which is what your father was like also. Often the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree in basic things like I just mentioned.
Alot of things you said about abuse are true. But minimizing others feelings isn't a good sign...it shows a rather removed individual who doesn't care about others in general.
Take care...and I wish you well...but I wish that someday you can understand it matters to most people, as its only good manners that people reply. It is their choice of course...but I wonder often why so many men, (and I'm not a dog!) act so different from what they describe in their profile, and say they are great communicators, don't play games and want someone fun, intelligent and witty and more...and then don't even respond or whatever.
Anyway...I find it interesting...and it shows most males here don't want to put out more than they want to...they expect her to drop into his lap from the sky! lol
Good luck ~ Debra | |
|
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/18/2008 4:02:11 PM | My mother used to go out with an abusive man. He was awful to her beat her up regurly, we watched as kids him beat her it was scary. They would split up sometimes and then she would go back to him. She kept doing it he ignored her and spent most of his time in the pub. She still stuck by him, eventually after all those years he went off with another woman. I expect he had been off with others prior to this one.
All I can is they are not worth it these type. Have respect for yourself.
My mother did not get much attention as a child and he dad used to hit her all the time.
This is why I think she went for this rough sort, she did not know much different.
She had low self worth, as she was sent all the wrong messages about herself growing up. She needed couselling really to get over the past. She is dead now but I advise anyone going with this sort of man to get out get some therapy. These men dont care and you will end up badly hurt if not dead.
Your worth more you may not believe it but you are God loves you and you are special and deserve to be treated with respect. You were chosen even before you were born and your name was written down in the palm of God,s hand even before you were born, he loves you dearly believe the truth about yourself and not negative messages.
Forgive and be set free, Jesus christ paid an expensive price for you his life so you would live that is how important you are just believe it because it is true. Love and God bless | |
|
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/20/2008 7:44:48 AM | | Erin Pizzey was the founder of a women's shelter in Chiswick, England, the first modern battered women's shelter in the world. She found that of the first 100 women who came to her shelter, 62 were as or more violent than the partners they tried to escape from -- only to return to their partners time and again because of their addiction to pain and violence, violence that they persistently did their best to bring about. Over a period of ten years, Erin Pizzey became involved with about 5,000 women and their children who came through her shelter. She has written a number of books on domestic violence, one of which, Prone to Violence, addresses the issue of women's abuse and violence. | |
|
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/20/2008 8:51:36 AM | crayonzz wrote:
She has written a number of books on domestic violence, one of which, Prone to Violence, addresses the issue of women's abuse and violence.
This book is available on the internet, thank you for the referrence.
When I began looking at my role as a caretaker that was involved with an abusive partner in 1990 (and then realised that I was just as capable of being an abuser). The information available was very limited and discouraging to say the least. Most of what I read stated that an abuser rarely had a chance of recovery EVEN when they made a concerted effort to change.
I read the preface by the auther, which resonates so deeply within my being...
I grew up in an alcoholic home with both parents as abusers/victims, came from a well to do family, walked to school in a well to do neighbourhood and I distinctly remember looking at the doors of my neighbours homes, wishing that just one of them would open up their door, invite me in and tell me they *knew* what was happening behind our front door and that they would show me a different way of being.
Erin Pizzey writes in her preface:
Whether the children of violent families learn to find satisfaction through the inflicting or the receiving of emotional and physical pain, the violence that these people live on is merely an expression of pain. The role of the caring community is to undo this fundamental betrayal of people who have been emotionally disabled by their violent childhoods. By creating a loving environment in which deep internal work can be done to help violence-prone people to understand and to overcome their addiction to pain, these people can then learn to trust and be happy in love instead of pain.
This should be plastered in every women's shelter, every school, PTA meetings and every church there is and any place where people of concious community mind will gain insite that this is the responsibility fo ALL human beings and until we all join to offer a solution, the struggle will continue and the statistics will remain true to the negative side that victims of abuse will turn into abusers and the cycle will carry on. | |
|
| |
|
| Page 5 of 13
|
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 |
|
Home
login 
