|
|
|
|
|
| |
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/20/2008 4:32:49 PM | | first you need to realize you are worthy of a good man's love...because a good man will love you despite your flaws, his love for you will not allow him to see them....also know you deserve the very best and you won't settle for anything less......don't go back to the terd head....find that good guy out there, and all the joy and happiness you deserve! | |
|
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/21/2008 9:43:33 AM | believe me,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,it takes time and support of friends and relatives !!! these males(not men by any means) have a way with making you feel "the guilt" !!!! they have the knowledge tomake you think its ok to be hit, mentally bruised and sexually hurt,,,,,domestic violence shelters and counselors help (if they have been thru it themselves) , i was in a shelter for 8 weeks.....i could tell you things as most could that have been thru this as well as the things you could tell ,would make us all cringe all over again !!!!!!! talking to trusting people is a great help, then i found a book called "emotional blackmail" written by susan forward,,,most informative book i ever read.......in fact have read it more than once.. this is much easier said than done i know.........but keep your chin up look in the mirror and tell yourself daily.....i am a beautiful woman and i have self worth confidence and esteem...it takes time hon, but you will be the winner in the end........be a survivor!!!!!!!!!!! they get their deserving pay in the end !!!! take care my friend!!
a survivor!!!!!!!!! | |
|
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/21/2008 10:19:50 AM | Hey girl, I know how you feel.... I've been there and done that. My thing happened over three years starting when I was seventeen. If you feel as if you love someone, you're going to try anything and everything to make them into the person you want them to be. The only problem is its never going to happen I'm sorry to say. Some reasons you might be going back: you want to fix him, you want him to magically be the knight that swoops in saying how sorry he is blah..blah...blah..., you may just think that he's the ONLY man in the world who will "love" you. I don't know what it exactly is, all I do know is that you deserve so much better. The only advice I can give as to how not to be in that situation again is, when you start dating someone and they're being rude and disrespectful, call them on it. Don't take shit from someone just cause you care about them, cause if they care for you they'll see their mistake and not repeat it. As for being stronger.... it comes with time and practice. Stick up for yourself and don't let others walk all over you. You're a beautiful, intelligent woman and trust me.. you will find someone that will appreciate you and all you have to offer. Best of luck and God bless~  | |
|
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/27/2008 5:40:00 AM | Aurielle,
I don't know about you, but for myself I struggled wondering why I put up with any type of abuse in a relationship. First, (I used to think) here is a nice guy; he likes me great! I would feel excited about the potential relationship to form and then either tell him 'I am not intrested in a relationship' or 'you are too nice'. If someone treated me well, I would wonder why and be awaiting the time when his nice side flipped. I did not like the mistreat when I was in a unhealthy relationship, but I did not know how to give it up, especially when I was told 'I am sorry' or 'you deserve it' or 'I only did this to make you see that I love you'. I was fortunate enough to not have been through what some male and females have from their partners. I experienced some physical abuse and a lot of verbal. For me, the verbal was the worst. It takes times, for some a lot of time to heal. I often wonder if one can ever really heal completely. "For the sake of the relationship, many people make comprimises that they would not make if they felt more secure about their identity" Quote from Family Ties That Bind, 2007. An abuser will often focus on their partner and break down their confidence so that they do not have to look at their own shortcommings. In order to find the nice guy, you need to spend time in search of that girl who is not afraid to be herself and is proud of who she is :) Easier said then done--but you go girl! I know you have it in you to successful!!!
I was sure that I had myself on the right track, found a nice man and was ready to start my family ect...everything was working out for me sorta speak. No longer was I allowing myself to put of with mistreatment. I was confident; no longer afraid to be loved and treated the way I treat my man, with kindness and adoration. Then I relasped without even realizing it. Whamm! I was back into that negative cycle. I did notice some red flags in the beginning, but they were little and so I shrugged them off as nothing..'oh, he is just having a bad day, that is why he sounded moody'. Before I knew it I was in this relationship where I allowed myself to become a victim of brainwashing, which then formed me into an insecure person once again, and I was doubting myself again. I actually started believing what was being said to me about me and there was not even an ounce of truth in this guys voice that I once dated. One reason we tend to go back, even after working through our troubles, is because we recognize the treatment and so it comforts us, although we know it is not right. If you were brought up in this type of environment then it can be difficult to steer away from it. Our behaviour is biologically determined to a large extent. When we move out on our own; what we experience in our homes, influences what we may be exposed to outside our family home. We are very much affected by how our family members deal with things in their life. And we are drawn to what we have experienced and what our family views as acceptable, even if negative, unless we have learned to process why we put up this this abuse and how not to again. In order to make yourself stronger and let go, you need to acknowledge what it is you need to let go off. Ask yourself each day, what you want and why you feel you deserve it. Do not be negative, eliminate this hazardous self-talk and replace with the postive. Re-programming your words (that mental tape that plays in your head on a daily basis). Overide the bashing that goes on in your head with sweet loving words about YOU! Aurielle you are important and deserve to be loved and not mistreated. Have respect for yourself and practice this each day!! And most importantly, have a good pal that you can rely on. Someone that is not going to bring you down, knows and respects that when you are in a negative mood, you need support and care. And if you have nobody that is close to you, or that lives to0 far away that can assist you in your battle, then use the resources that you have around you. The forums have some wonderful people and not so wonderful, so if you are using this to grown and move ahead, be careful who you trust as genuine because unfortunately the bad seeds are lurking around the corner waiting for their pray. If you need someone to chat to send me an email, I would not mind at all sweetheart. Keep us updated and don't be afraid to drop me a line ..Fishing for friends is a good place to start before you fish for a date. | |
|
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/27/2008 5:48:45 AM | Best bit of advice I can give you:
My ex - who is now firmly an ex, was told at the very beguinning of the relationship, "one strike and you are out" - then one night while on drugs, and fueled with drink, and showing off in front of his new mates. He beat the living sh*t out of me, left me for dead.
One strike and he is out: I got my divorce, and I got my home, and I got money and friends, took three years and a lot of arguing but I got out and so can you.
Go on girl - get rid of the useless article right out of your life it is easy, JUST DO IT. | |
|
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/27/2008 11:36:31 AM | | Because of fear and weakness. We are weak. We are afraid to be alone. We fantasize about the person, making him into the grand hero that he is not. Then, we consider ourselves "a couple". He keeps on pressing us further and further into sadistic practices, getting a charge over how much power and control he can exert. This is not love. We tell ourselves, but THIS IS LOVE... it is not love. This is his twisted desire to control, punish, and hurt you. You are allowing this out of fear. The fear of being alone. The fear of maybe facing a job that you hate and abhor... eight hours a day.... worse than being with him for a few hours a night. The only way you can break the chains of bondage, is to get yourself in a position where you can be comfortable and alone, and pray every night for God to save you from yourself. | |
|
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/27/2008 11:37:23 AM | sometime you have to go and date alot of frog before you find what you want , but only you can let someone in , so just keep a wall until you both feel the same and if it is easy to walk away then it is right thing to do, but if it hard then think twice, but there are alot of people in this world that paint a pretty picture , but only you can tell if it is what you want in your life. i had a frog not to long a go and he is still a frong , but i am now back out there dating and i think i found my frond and he might be what i want and he is 13 yrs old then me, WOW and i do not think age should matter but he is what i am looking for i think,,,,,,days will tell | |
|
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/27/2008 11:38:45 AM | I don't know why some women do what they do. My ex GF of two years had always been in abusive relationship. Every relationship before me (except for one) was abusive. Its like she was drawn to abusive men. THEN when we met, it was like she couldn't handle being treated well. I was good to her, never even raised my voice to her. I tried to compliment her, and she asked me not to, because in the past every time she would get a compliment, the person was actually mocking the way she looked. She was uncomfortable when I would give her gifts, or anything else. It was like she was uncomfortable with being treated nicely, and we eventually broke up.
Now it's hard to tell what kind of guy she'll end up with. | |
|
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/27/2008 11:39:55 AM | aurielle, when you go back to an abusive ex it's because of numerous things and one of them being "self esteem". going back to any abusive relationship shows that the person has "low self esteem" and doesn't feel worthy enough to love another. smile, pick up and walk away...even people with low self esteem has a reason to live, love, and be happy. once you bring that to mind and stay away from the abusive relationship then you're on your way to working on yourself. you have to keep positive thoughts....."i don't need to live my life the way i did in the past", "tomorrow will offer me a happier day"....things like that help.
now, go into your bathroom and look in the mirror.....repeat after me......"i am going to have a great day. i'm going to move forward with my life and never go back!" say that every day for a week or longer and see how things brighten up. | |
|
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/27/2008 11:45:58 AM | We forgive because we rely on them and haven't yet hit bottom. We get there when we realize the situation we find ourselves in is hopeless, and things will not change unless we make the decision to cut off all ties with our abuser.
The next time you are in a relationship and someone says, or does, something that is controlling or inappropriate, you must speak up and set very clear boundaries of what you will, or will not, tolerate. If he crosses the line, again, and he probably will, then it is up to you to either put up with it, or get out.
I have read so many false statements on these forums about abusive behaviour. Unless you have been through it, you have no idea what it feels like, or what effects it has. Some men grew up in abusive homes and learned the behaviour, but it's not acceptable in any form. We deserve better. 
Pink | |
|
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/27/2008 12:02:51 PM | hello'' well gee i find this topic so interesting and can olny relate it to my ex wife ;; reasn one she left me for a druggie;s cause i was not one of them kind of people i hold my head up and hate junkie;s seem;s that is one woman;s favorite attraction.
#2 is achohol is a most important part of a woman;s looking for a man'' that too relate;s to my x and i shure hell not one f them''' i hild my chin up here
# 3 so many women are attracted to abuser's fiscal and mentaly and not to mention sexual as well and keep looking for that and then is who and what they date or mary.......... and my eye;s are focussed on smile's
# 4 if you a nice man not saying highly educated but open and honest as well as trusting then hey you never get noticed and if you do you get tossed so quick it;s unreal and for all sake's i would not wanta be a losser and be any of the first tree i have mentioned;; laughing whith tear;s in my eye's
# 5 well lasie;s whoom ever you are and what your interest are you have nothing to complain about in what your man do to you and expect from you as well ;; so keep on dating and bedding down them kind and that is all you will get out of life;;;; geeper;s that a joke
#6 in all honesty i would rather life a life alone and masterbating that put up whith some one that want;s or live;s the life of being a compliment of the lord and stay along with them abusive people and have the crap and mental's beat about so take time to wake up and smell what;s around you ;; just remember what you are in and have was your choice so have a great day and enjoy your........... man a men | |
|
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/27/2008 5:46:51 PM | | hello i to have just got away from a abuser well i thoughht i did until he mad a profile and found me on here,,the only thing i can say is that life is bettre with out a man like that,,mine has abuse me and my son so take it from me get out of that put him to the corner, | |
|
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/27/2008 5:51:32 PM | Any person(Man or Woman) who goes back to an abusive relationship has self esteem issues and feels they deserve it.
They are so wrapped up in their self worth being connected to another person. And I can say this as I was in an abusive marriage and went back after he promised it would never happen again, when it did, I left for good. | |
|
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/27/2008 6:02:56 PM | @lorraine...drop me a line i couldn't get by your settings.
seems that stalking is another thing that women have to watch out for with their ex's. if you see them in here....block them immediately, do not contact them what so ever! if they call and harass you on the phone, report it! if they harass you in here, report them as well. never and i mean never go back to an abusive relationship....even more so if kids are involved. | |
|
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/27/2008 6:15:41 PM | Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
It's just the makeup sex. A lot of people, men and women, think they can't get that wild kind of sex unless it's makeup sex, or punishment sex as it's also been called. But that isn't so. Lots of non-abusive men also enjoy a bit of rough sex now and then, but some women are just too inhibited or Puritanical to enjoy it with them unless they can tell themselves they had no choice, it was their punishment. It's all very deep, dark and psychological, but I think you're on the right track talking openly about it like this. Now all you have to do is find some non-abusive man to talk about it with in a more romantically practical setting.
That probably wasn't what you wanted to hear. Sorry, but you did ask.
EDIT: Also I agree with those who say it's a self esteem issue. | |
|
| |
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/27/2008 6:27:58 PM | | Sometimes letting go of someone that you care for no matter how much they might have abused you can be unsettling and hard. I know from past experience moving forward can be challenging and difficult because we still harbor old feelings towards that individual. But you have to eventually let go. Sometimes many women claim they want to meet a decent man but when they do, they don't know how to handle it, because they are afraid to get close again, so they slip back and find another abusive man and the cycle continues. | |
|
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/27/2008 6:45:12 PM | avidog, it's not make up sex that's always the issue even though it can be fun once in a while. the problem lies with the abuse a person is put through mentally and physically....some went through both while others went through one or the other. i'm sure that there are also a lot of men that have also been in abusive relationships as well.
just forgive and forget.......don't look back. | |
|
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/27/2008 6:54:48 PM | Letting go is the key, i spent a long time with someone who was continually unfaithful with anyone and everyone i knew and didnt know, i hoped he would change, i moved countries the last time he left me for another woman, got my life on track , and back he came promising me all i had ever wanted...
and here i am again picking up the pieces of my life again, i so want to find the strength to drop kick him for good, he has nothing to offer, why.co- dependancy i think, hes my addiction, i have to find the strength to move on...
he justifies his behavour by blaming me...
I feel as sick as him for letting him treat me this way.
How do i drop kick him for good so that when he comes back begging this time i have the door firmly closed. | |
|
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/27/2008 7:02:24 PM | | not just you , but when are women going to admit the abuse when they were kids , the yelling screaming OR THE QUIET AVOIDANCE ISSUES , that is what they are attracted tooooooo , their parents or families or the families freinds , its so easy for them to blame the men when you point 1 finger at someone else YOU HAVE 3 FINGERS POINTING BACK AT YOURSELF ! think about that a bit huh ? | |
|
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/27/2008 7:03:22 PM | | This is a question that has perplexed me and I'm sure other men of quality for a long time. I can see these men for the slugs that they are and yet women falling all over themselves after them. Maybe you could tell me. | |
|
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/27/2008 7:09:17 PM |
How do i drop kick him for good so that when he comes back begging this time i have the door firmly closed.
don't worry about drop kicking him because he'll always get right back up again. turn a cold heart on him. no phone calls, no letters, no communication with anyone with knowledge of where he's at and how he is. you don't want to know anything about that. did you ever think of anyone as being "dead" so to say. think of him as if he doesn't exist anymore. if you see him on the streets look straight ahead as if you're looking through him....don't stop to say hello, make no body contacts. eventually he'll start to get the hint that you want to be left alone.......and move on with your life, don't bring him into your new relationship. | |
|
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/27/2008 7:21:52 PM | OP, my heart goes out to you.  I was raised in an abusive home, would run away, and would always return. In my first marriage I was with a critical man whose comments were verbally abusive and ripped at my heart constantly. I would leave and return, leave and return. I finally decided that I deserved better and got out for good after 30 years of marriage. When I am with a "good" man, one who treats me the way I deserve, I struggle within myself with feelings of unworthiness. I am learning those feelings can be overcome.
As many have said this behavior is, IMHO, partially due to lack of self-esteem. However, I had a very wise counselor once share with me that if the "abuse" (in whatever form) is what we are used to, sometimes we fear the abuse less than the "unknown". We have survived (in some form) that "hell", but we aren't certain how we'll deal with the unknown (a new relationship, etc.)....that fear of the unknown can immobilize us.
Aurielle, YOU have to change your mindset and recognize that you deserve better. Only then will you stop going back and/or attracting similar men into your life. Get counseling, attend support groups (there are often complimentary ones in the community for nearly everything), read books...whatever it takes... but Sweetie, change your thinking....learn to love yourself.
All my life I have been amazingly kind, giving, caring, and loving....to everyone but me. I
have finally come to the realization this year (at age 59) that I'm a damned incredible woman! That a man would be lucky to have a woman like me. Not because of looks; not because of material things; not because of anything other than the fact that I would never (and have never) intentionally hurt another human being; that I would give the shirt off my back to a stranger; and I would die for those I love. I would venture to say you are the same, Aurielle, because that seems to fit the "profile" of many abused women.
Make a list of all your good traits (that's hard to do, I know...but dig deep)....what would your family and friends say are your good traits? Reflect on those traits, seek help in whatever form you can, and truly BELIEVE that you deserve better.
Warmly,
Rose Mary | |
|
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/27/2008 7:31:47 PM | | Sorry country.girl, but I've lived through the results of the advice you offer of cutting him out of her life. Here's what often happens. She finds a new guy to help build and maintain her self esteem. The new guy has to pretend it's okay that she keeps checking her call display to see if the jerk is calling her. He must be understanding and try to reason with her. Eventually, she starts to see the new guy as her doormat because he lets her get away with so much, so she loses respect for him. Then she needs what she feels is a real man again, so she starts answering the phone instead of just checking the display. Soon she's on her way back to the jerk, for another dose of punishment sex. I've lived it enough times that I've finally had it. Last time I personally drove her to the Greyhound depot and put her back on the dog with him. | |
|
|
|
Home
login 
