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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/27/2008 9:39:36 PM | Ok, I have read all the way to Page 7 of this post. I haven't read too many responses from the men because I know they are all going "Oh, hum, time for a cold one..." 
This is what I have witnessed in all of my years: I have seen women nag, scream, accuse, demean, provoke and attack "the man". I have witnessed the vilest, lowest tricks that women have perpretrated against their mates. I have seen and witnessed these same women then throw themselves against the door or in front of an automobile tire to keep their mate from walking away or escaping from their madness. After the male strikes back, women yell, "Abuser!"
I am the Mother of two very attractive adult male sons, have brothers and other male relatives and friends. I have witnessed alot of them with scratched faces, torn clothes, stab wounds, gunshots including busted windshields and grave markers - all from their irate, hormonally charged and psychotic female "friends". I have also had the opportunity to hear them, feel their bodies tremor with fury, humiliation and frustration from not being able to strike back at the Vixens for fear of going to jail, losing their jobs and/or respect of friends and family.
All males and females should be aware of this topic. This topic is like a two-headed sword and works two ways. The "victims" are also the "abusers" - no difference - just another type of role reversal. This is why women and men keep "going" back. They go back because they know that well balanced people will see this "defect" in them and therefore they do not want to be exposed. The victim/abuser identifies with the abuser/victim! This is their commonality and the dark side in which both share. The cycle stops when you say, "enough!" | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 5/27/2008 11:29:53 PM | CSIN you cannot make a blanket call that all woman or men that are abused are also the abusers, as you completely contradict yourself in what you said in your post.
I in no way was abusive to my ex-husband, but at the end when he would hit me I would say, "oh yeah big man, you have to hit a woman to feel your power". That was as I walked out the door never to return.
Oh and it was him that threw himself in behind my car figuring i would not keep going.
It was him who stalked me and our children, it was him who when he found out where we were living showed up with a gun and held it to my head after going to the window and getting the kids to let Daddy in and telling me that if he could not have me no one would.
What I have learned about my ex is that his father did the same too him growing up as he did to me, abused him when he was drunk and put him on a pedestal when he was sober.
I walked on egg shells during my marriage and he certainly was not the man who wooed me and loved and cared for me before we married.
The more I grew and changed as a person the more abuse I got. And he never wanted me to work outside the home.
My advice to anyone man or woman who is being abused get out, and go for counseling so that you can know that your a good person who deserves better, learn to read the signs and avoid those types of ppl.
It is not easy to do, but your life is important and there are people who love and count on you to make that decision. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 6/2/2008 6:23:20 PM | This is a great question. i've pondered this for so long and I've come to a few potential conclusions:
1) The woman loves the attention. This is both from being able to say "oh look at me I'm being abused". This invariably garners a bunch of sympathy and love from friends, family, and others.
2) The woman is afraid to leave. So when he seems nice she explains away his problem. But secretly she worries about some type of violent retribution. This is a serious one!
3) The woman is so needy that she will accept anyone into her life, even ignoring her gut instinct.
This is all I have come up with for now, but this is definitely an interesting and grave topic that should be addressed in this society in which such events are prevalent. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 6/2/2008 6:39:59 PM | I'm right there with you.. I married a evil control freak and tried to divorce him over and over and for some reason I kept taking him back with the promise to change, he didn't. I am now at the end of my third attempt to divorce him and I am going to do it this time! I talked to a therapist for a short time but what really helped me was opening up to my friends and family about what was really going on, the support and love from them has made me strong enough to end the nightmare. He is dating someone that I've been told looks a lot like me, I admit a twinge of jealousy but I am not going to let that draw me back.
I think this dating site and getting positive attention from others helps..
PRAYERS for strength for you and me both!
God please give this beautiful sister the strength to end her nightmare~ AMEN | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 6/2/2008 6:59:35 PM | I left my abusive ex 2 years ago after living with him for a couple of years. During that time I went back a couple times after he lied and said things would change. They never did. Women are afraid to leave abusive men and afraid to report abuse because abusers threaten to kill them (my ex threatened to do that to me if I left and he indicated such a couple of times). For abusive men, it's all about control. Over the last year of the relationship, I started getting stronger and was planning my escape from hell (he was bipolar, BPD, had ADHD, was a cheater, a gambler, an alcoholic to name a few). I didn't learn what he was like until we moved in together. He hid his negative behaviours oh so well (BPDs are great at doing that, covering up). During the last start, I began standing up to him (he didn't know what to make of it). Suddenly I wasn't taking his crap any longer. When he'd start raging at me the way BPDs do I'd tune him right out and say nothing (in the past I'd cry and he'd mock me). Saying nothing didn't give him any ammo. My love for him had long since died. It's impossible to love someone who abuses you. It was a matter of time. One night the time came and he had abused me for the last time. I fled and called the police on him. He was arrested on the spot, charged, and convicted of uttering death threats and domestic assault and has served. When I saw him being lead away in cuffs I felt so empowered and strong. Days later I was diagnosed with PTSD (which is common after someone has left an abusive relationship). My doctor formed a course of treatment which I successfully completed. The love of my family and friends and my faith in God saw me through my darkest days and made me stronger. I knew if I didn't get back on my feet, make peace with what transpired, and get my life back I'd be continuing to let him control me, he'd be winning and there was no way I was going to be a victim, I was going to be a survivor. 2 years later, I'm healthy, focused, and got my life back postively. I turned that negative experience into a postive for myself. I have a strong sense of identity, have much respect for myself, love who I am, and know exactly what I want from life and love. I'm not ashamed to share what happened for I did nothing wrong in that relationship. The past is of no concern to me. It happened. What matters is the present and future, which is what I focus on now.  | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 6/3/2008 9:35:35 AM | Fear of being alone.
Lack of confidance.
Addictive realationship, maybe a bad realationship with someone in the past who has sent negative messages about you. it is necassary for you to change your beliefs about yourself if this has happened.
Get a better opinion about yourself dont put yourself down. Confidant people have good opinions about themself and dont believe take on board the negative things other people say.
Belief in God reading the bible is good, because it alters the beliefs you have been brought up with, when you see yourself as God sees you, you grow to relise how beautiful and precious you really are and no one can take that away. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 6/3/2008 9:50:02 AM | first of all dont get bogged down by people telling you to just leave or what to do, abuse can be like rust it can creep into a persons life and before you know it has a hold on more than the person, money kids and even work can be affected, the largest cause of homelessness in the uk is domestice abuse. the person who gave advise on support networks was spot on, surround your self by people you can trust and depend on, friends family and womens aid. remember domestic abuse is a choice some one makes to controle your life, its not an accident it is a premeditated crime. many women who go back to abusive men do so because they can feel that they will loose more than they gain i have heard women say that the abuse was easier than loosing a job, home, friends etc. there are a lot of good men and yes on this site too, id say you become aware when someone has abusive traits, you cant change people the best thing to do is get out straight away, relationships can be hard work, but should not hurt, who are you not to shine, have a good life and be happy, what good will it do to any one especially you if you put up with the reverse.
take care, be you, your good enough as you are
Hayley | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 6/3/2008 12:36:00 PM | i was drawn to a wrong person that did put me down etc and walk out contantly, cheat and lie... Remember it isnt you its them with issues hun :)
To became stronger is to accept it as part of your past and rise above it. Grow your confidence and take one step at a time.
Thing is not all men are this way as i have found out since breaking up with that person.
The best way to find out is dont fall for the first person that comes along, dont fall for the ones that seem to contantly talk about sex as thats an indicater.. keep things on your terms until you feel sure its right :)
Get a clear picture of how you want treating as well.. if they are treating you right you wont have doubts and follow your instincts and not look through rose tinted specs on things.
Good luck hun :) as youll meet the right one. Enjoy meeting new people until you reach the right person as you cannot rush love :) | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 6/5/2008 10:19:03 AM | I went back to an abusive man twice...I've now left a third time, and in my case I have to stay gone from him for my unborn child... the baby is alot more important than a grown man who acts like a baby and just doesn't know how to grow up.
And you also need to tell yourself that he probably won't change... there may be a few abusive people out there who have went to therapy and changed, but I believe that most of them just won't change. Some of them are so stubborn they won't even agree to go to therapy. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 6/5/2008 10:26:24 AM | Hi Aurielle,
Please pick up the book (or get it from the public library)
"Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men"
by, Lundy Bancroft
Lundy Bancroft has studied over 2,000 men who were in jail for Domestic Violence. He (Lundy) has found some common themes among the "types" of guys who are in the Abuse Cycle, and he gives women hope for getting out of the fog Domestic Violence, and the Cycle of Abuse causes.
Please, please, please pick up this book, and read it over and over again, until you become clear about the guy you're loving.
Best regards,
Chaucergrrl | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 6/5/2008 10:30:48 AM | "Why is it so hard to distinguish between the nice and horrible hurtful men out there? Granted they are not all idiots, but where do you even start to find a nice one!!"
You are not looking- Subconciously.
So hence- you shall not find.
They're taking the hobbits to Isengard. by the way.
me. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 6/5/2008 10:59:34 AM | | Please read the book, women who love to much, cant remember the author but believe me everything becomes much clearer, it put me straight into therapy and im in the UK where most people still dont do that!! | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 6/5/2008 1:29:45 PM | I agree with this completely, also, having been a victim of abuse, it was turned on me when I started to beat up inanimate objects (would NEVER hit another person unless they hit me first)...If a woman hits a man, why is it taboo not to hit her back, have seen my brother beaten up with his ex, and nothing get's done...I have been verbally abused by one of my partners in the past, I witness it day in and day out with abusive women, treating their men like children, and then there's the sexist remark "och, all you men are the same", it's common practise for women to (playfully ?) hit men in mock chastisement, but this is still assault ain't it?
Why do people keep going back to their abusive partners?...Cause their mental...I think this works both ways, I mean, women and men think they will change their partners wild ways and make them settle down... | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 6/5/2008 2:12:21 PM | | I'm dealing with the same thing my x is emotionally abusive . Walks all over my heart and I keep wanting him . It is very hard to let go. I think we need to feel so good about ourselves that we belive that we do not deserve that and that he truelly is not worth ourt time. That is the real truth. It's hard to get a handle on but true | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 6/5/2008 2:35:09 PM | I think that people identify with what they know. If you identify with abuse, then you are more likely to identify with another abuser, pick them out of a crowd so to speak. If you have left an abuser, and are not currently being abused, then your mind lacks that thing that you have identified yourself with, so you go back so that you can feel comfortable again inside yourself.
The old saying does hold true, ‘once an abuser, always an abuser.’ It takes an act of god to change that one.
If you want to change your situation, than you must look inside yourself, find out what it is that you are identifying with, and ‘teach’ yourself to identify with something else. It is a moral course, and a hard one at that, but it is what you must do in order to make your own life better. The trickiest part is that this is something that only you can do. Advice from others is exactly that. No one can actually help you do that, others can only support your resolve, but you must be the one with the strength. Another thing that would help is to stay out of relationships until you have identified with yourself. To attempt a relationship, before you are ready, will only hamper and muddle your mind, which will cause you to loose focus. Wait till you are ready to proceed. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 6/5/2008 2:35:14 PM | | because you are idiots. stop doing that,why are you doing? the same thing they do on cops??''he was a good man officer,he didnt mean to beat the hell out of me''. Christ write me before you do that again girl,you deserve better.DEMAND IT !!!! | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 6/5/2008 2:40:12 PM | | dont feel bad I spent years in a relationship like this. my friends all saw it and no one said a darn thing till after she asked me to leave . then they all said the same thing . how did you ever last with such a b***h. you herd right I am guy that was so mentaly abused that it wrecked my my sense of trust she had me beatdown and walking on eggshells for 4 years. so don't think it only happens to women. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 6/5/2008 6:13:47 PM | | it is hard be cause most deccent guys out there act hard and as if they are hard to impress there m8s plus if they know 1 of there m8s are abusive and get away with it they think they can do it it all comes down to show offs and anger management and for all the abuse you have got of men i will apoligise for all of them to all the females IM SORRY but as long as you know were not all like that you just need to keep on looking . | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 6/5/2008 8:03:18 PM | | i was married to a controling man who beat me ,broke my arms,but hey he could never break my spirit ...he took me away from my family i had no friends no money of my own i worked 19 hr shifts at work ....he had total control over me ..i left stayed in a refuge for battered women with my children he found me ...i spent another 10 yrs with the monster ...it was only when he started hurting my children to hurt me that i found the courage to leave ....we escaped when he was at work ....we left with what we stood up in ....its been 6 yrs now that ive been divourced from him and life is wonderfull ...so please all you abused ladies and guys out there get out run run run and never ever look back ...you deserve to live your life without fear ,and abuse ,you deserve to be happy and free .....biggest hugs joolsy ........ps if i can help anyone doint hesistate to mail me ...god bless | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 6/6/2008 9:55:55 PM | I would love to know the answer for that one, My comments will seem crass, but here is the unvarnished truth, that will be, likely ignored.
Why is it you can be drawn to the wrong man, and even after all the abuse, still go back?
1 the woman's self esteem had been beat down BELOW the sub-floor, thinking she does not deserve better.
2 having "motherly" instincts, Try to "fix " him, in the mistaken notion that they are "needed"
but where do you even start to find a nice one!!
OH GET OF THE PITY POT!!!!!!!!!!!The "nice ones are the one's that you have ignored just because you did not have "instant attraction " Admit it! "nice guys" you find dull and boring!
That is a question rooted in dishonesty.
How can you make yourself stronger and learn to just let go?
Why don't you take the time to get to know what is inside of a person, instead of going on your first knee-jerk reaction! You made a bad choice, we all have so pack it up, mark it down to experience, and move on.
Post another pity thread, because Mr. Jerk did not behave himself. I can't help but wonder, how many good men have taken time to e-mail you, and you didn't even bother to reply, because you thought he was too fat, bald, hairy, or whatever.
Tom | |
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I still dont get how guys can hit girls. f'en cowards
