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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 6/6/2008 10:18:30 PM |
i was married to a controling man who beat me ,broke my arms,but hey he could never break my spirit ...he took me away from my family i had no friends no money of my own i worked 19 hr shifts at work ....he had total control over me ..i left stayed in a refuge for battered women with my children he found me ...i spent another 10 yrs with the monster ...it was only when he started hurting my children to hurt me that i found the courage to leave ....we escaped when he was at work ....we left with what we stood up in ....its been 6 yrs now that ive been divourced from him and life is wonderfull ...so please all you abused ladies and guys out there get out run run run and never ever look back ...you deserve to live your life without fear ,and abuse ,you deserve to be happy and free .....biggest hugs joolsy ........ps if i can help anyone doint hesistate to mail me ...god bless
hoenstly, i dont feel sorry for you; but i feel sorry for your children, they are innocent. Your children probably will have broken marriage thanks your "wise" choice of husband.
It took you 10 years to get away! Where were your relatives when you need them? Were you too shameful to ask for help? shame on you. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 6/6/2008 10:25:51 PM | | Oh its easy to disguish who is going to be the nice guy and who is going to beat or abuse you. Go for the nice guys and not the A-hole pretty boy or the thug. Go for a guy without a crimminal record and a college education. The oen who is nice to you, calls you, treats you right. Not the big rough looking guy named RJ, BJ, or whatever... The one with the poserish tatoo of barbed wire. he should get the real thing if he were really tough. These guys are weak and abuse women to make themselves feel better. Finding the nice guy is easy. Yuo jsut choose to date the A-hole becuase you think he's hot or he has something lame to show off. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 6/6/2008 10:28:14 PM | Not taking sides here.
Did you do anything that made you feel guilty to go back to him?
My sister, her ex hit her and burned her clothes in my driveway. Yet she blames it was her fault he did it.
Also you have to let go and delete everything about him, if you are not too scared.
I've seen sad women, and I heard responses, he will kill me if I leave.
Abusive guy point of view.
I am definately not abusive, but i have had thoughts why? The things i hear.
Hard work gone to waste.
If I slap some sense into her, she will understand.
Thats enough, I hate it. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 6/6/2008 10:56:24 PM | | To message 177- shame on you!!! You have no clue as to what this woman has experienced whatsoever. You have no clue to why she didn't reach for her family...she could have been in the same shoes as me- maybe there was sexual abuse at home as to why she couldn't reach out to her family!! But whatever her reason is- who are you to judge her?? Have you walked in abused women/men's shoes? Have you been around abuse at all?? It's not up to me, nor to you to judge this woman...but to be supportive and just hope they will be one of the lucky survivors that got away. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 6/7/2008 4:15:37 AM | Over the last 15-20 years 95% of women I have met
in my travels were either victims in past relationships,
currently living in one, desperately trying to leave one
or just recently left one. Shocking indictment on the
world we live in. Without rambling further on a topic
that already fills countless books, here is my take on
abusive males:
This wee story sums up abusive males!!!
Many years ago in deepest Africa lived a mighty hunter with his young son.
One day out in the jungle he shot a leopard and found her young cub nearby.
He took it home where his young son made it a pet. (Cubs are like kittens).
The hunter wanted to destroy the cub but his son implored him not to. Many times
he told his son: “little leopards grow into big leopards – and big leopards kill!!” … but
the boy was determined to keep his pet.
One day whilst the hunter was away the boy was playing with his pet. He tripped
and grazed his knee. The baby leopard licked the wound getting his first taste of
blood and promptly devoured the boy.
Abusive males are the same. Regardless of anything they might say they
never change on the inside. Over the years I’ve seen too many women come unstuck
by taking the abusive partner back and living to regret it. Those are painful stories
from the “reality” files!!! Two I know didn’t live long after having those regrets.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
In its simplest terms abuse is the product of insecurity leading to the need to control,
dominate and subjugate another person. Physical violence is obvious since the damage
is there for all to see. It is the insidious forms of abuse that are often more difficult for
those on the outside to see [or believe] leaving the victim stranded and alone. Classic
example of this is when a woman complains to friends or family that her partner can't
let her out of his sight or needs to know every minute of the day where she is, what she
is doing and who with ... and those friends or family blissfully tell her "grow up girl, be
grateful you have someone who cares for you and has your welfare at heart" ...
Absolute BS ... that guy is so insecure and scared of losing his 'property' that he is
setting up a self-fulfilling prediction for himself. You strong ladies in these threads
know all this and this world needs strong women to stamp out this blight on society.
... here in poetic form how it is and how it should be:
Random thoughts
when enmeshed, create images.
To what direction is of importance,
the human condition, flashes
sometimes in brilliance,
sometimes in darkness.
Is there a twilight for two souls
where balance exists?
Or is it a struggle?
Who wins?
It is not a contest.
It is rather, what wins?
Harmony, love, respect,
compassion exist
in the twilight of
common mind sets
without contest.
JR | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 6/7/2008 4:27:37 AM | Well a good start...if you have any male friends...do they like this man...if they dont then they have picked up on something that you have not.
Also not sticking up for men ..lol but there are some women that are like this to men as well, these women make a hobbie of hurting men.
Some women do like the "bad boy" and you can get stuck in a rut going for one after another..so brake that habbit, all that glitters is not gold.
Anyone can make a mistake.....and if this guy if really sorry then it is up to you if you forgive and forget and have him back. but if the abuse continues after this there is something very wrong, and you cant change anyone, then it is the time to say "on your bike" only then will you start to know which are the ones to give a wide berth.
I think that you are being a little hard on yourself....you are not perfect and not meant to be...hell i am not either. Dont let a few bad apples put you off going for it as they say.
Just put it down to experence and move on. Because if you dont....you may be missing out on "the one".
Hope this helps.
pebbleonthebeech......Janey | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 6/7/2008 5:22:11 AM | There are so many forms of abuse, mine was neglect. We keep going back because in the process of not being seen, we loose confidence and feel demeaned to the point of almost feeling fortunate to have "someone". Not so. We are the only someone we need. We have to rise above the "power"of the other person and become empowered by the goodness in ourselves. Find balance, rediscover your inner strength and just know you can do anything to move forward with your life. I did after 35 years of marriage. And you know, I feel damn good. The down side is once you have achieved your "freedom" from self inflicted bondage, it does take a while and perhaps even some outside help to get beyond your inner anger not just toward your previous partner but yourself as well. Don't think of it as time wasted on that person, think of it as timing and a process that took time, but, to a positive end. It's not selfish to take care of yourself. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 6/7/2008 9:28:15 AM |
To message 177- shame on you!!! You have no clue as to what this woman has experienced whatsoever. You have no clue to why she didn't reach for her family...she could have been in the same shoes as me- maybe there was sexual abuse at home as to why she couldn't reach out to her family!! But whatever her reason is- who are you to judge her?? Have you walked in abused women/men's shoes? Have you been around abuse at all?? It's not up to me, nor to you to judge this woman...but to be supportive and just hope they will be one of the lucky survivors that got away.
I am just judging her case with my 3rd person's perspective. I know my words were harsh, is it harsher than 10 years of abuse? Don't feel bad just because the woman went through hell. Our society isn't that bad, in these 10 years, she could have gotten help from her family, police, and any form of social support from the government. But she didn't get out, she put her children through helll with her, thats what angers me. Kids were innocent, they dont deserve to be in an abusive family.
ps: i came from a normal family, thats why i am able see what is wrong with that. If i came from abusive family, i wouldn't be able to see this clearly. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 6/7/2008 9:46:06 AM | | I agree. We get so used to taking care of other people, that we sometimes (usually) don't give ourselves enough consideration. Think about the relationship in terms of your best friend's relationship, or your sister, mother or daughter - then decide what you would want them to do. It's the closest you can get to how you honestly feel about the situation. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 6/7/2008 10:41:06 AM | | jie pie ....im not a victim im a survivor ....when you are beaten ,battered ,its not the broken bones that hurt its what they do to you mentaly .i was so a shamed i didnt tell anyone ....my children i protected they are my pride and joy and im very proud of them .....you have your opinion i no but i cant understand people like you self critising.im not on this forum for pity hunny ...i help others i councel women and men who have been through or are going through domestic violence ...as for me being shamefull yes I AM .......HOW COULD I HAVE MARRIED SUCH A MONSTER BUT HEY ......IM FREE .LIFE FOR MY GIRLS AND ME IS WONDERFUL ....WE LIVE AND LEARN JIE PIE .....IF I CAN HELP OTHERS THEN IT WASNT FOR NOTHING ...TAKE CARE ... | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 6/7/2008 11:40:08 AM |
im not on this forum for pity hunny ...i help others i councel women and men who have been through or are going through domestic violence.. IM FREE .LIFE FOR MY GIRLS AND ME IS WONDERFUL ....WE LIVE AND LEARN JIE PIE .....IF I CAN HELP OTHERS THEN IT WASNT FOR NOTHING ...TAKE CARE ...
That's the spirit I want to hear from you. Good for you. Leave the past behind you and look forward to the future.
One last thing if i may say, and i want you to take my advice seriously. Stay away from any victims or survivors. Cut off all the contact with them. Just live a normal life. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 6/7/2008 12:21:13 PM | Hello Aurielle
These men have a huge pain body. They are doing what was done to them when they where kids. They are raised in disfunctional home where they saw that love was and is abusive. They are very broken and only the power of GOD can change them. But there is problem- they do not trust anyone not even themselves. To Accept GOD in your heart you have to trust. They believe they are not the cause of the problem even if they are the cause of the problem. They do not take responsability for there actions.
There words and action will never match. They have low self-esteem and low confiances in them-selves. They seek woman with low self-esteen and low onfiances.
My advice is to end that relationship because your will only have pain and grief, you will cry 1000 buckets of tears. My next advice is hard to hear--you only attract what you are. I know this because I was that person that allowed a abusive man in my life. He almost killed me one night. That night changed my life-- I Took my power back and changed myself. Best thing I ever done for myself. Please get help for yourself because YOU ARE WORTH IT. When you are right with yourself self that right man will come you.
Rachel | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 6/8/2008 8:18:35 AM | coz you love intensity and excitement and know deep down that your just worthless blah blah. Its ok. Just have to meet more men and you will see that the other ones are better. Some girls like really rough sex. Maybe thats what your missing.  | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 6/8/2008 9:17:50 PM | I have asked that question many times times to women in my family and female friends . I have recieved different answers but none that made since. I belive that there is never a place for a man to abuse a woman. It does seem like that is what a lot of women are attracted to. If I must become an abuser to keep a relationship then I will stay single.
Heres my thought and I hope it helps someone. The bible teaches that we are uniquely and wonderfully made by God. That means that there is no other person exactly like us; in turn that makes us special. How do we treat things that are special? We hold those things with high regard. No price can be placed on things that are special. If you are a woman being abused in a relationship; wake up. If he cared about you he wouldn't abuse you. Understand that you are priceless and special. You deserve the best; someone who is as special as you are. He is out there and God knows who he is and how to connect you together. First, learn to love yourself enough to get out of the situation.
Remember some of the best gifts will arrive in wrapping that we don't expect. I hope this provides some help to all in an abusive relationship. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 6/9/2008 7:56:26 AM | | I believe in what you say about it being an addiction.The men sucker you in at the beginning with all their charm. By the time you realize that this person is a time bomb waiting to go off,it's too late.You have fallen for the "other" person.Addictions are hard to overcome and you sometimes wonder "what is wrong with me?Why am I still here?" Once you realize that you are worth so much more ,then that will open up the doors for you to move on. I know. I have been there. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 6/9/2008 8:07:21 PM | | Auriele: My guy was bi-polar and not the typical abuse. I'm an older woman. Been married three times - one divorce - two cancer victims. I don't know why I even got involved with this man let alone why I thought we'd work it out this time. I came to realize that even though I was not totally happy with him; I am not totally unhappy without him. I can't take pleasure in anything. He's in my mind and tearing at my heart all the time. I'm not back with him, but I thought I'd talk to him today about some of the unfinished business and I did. Didn't have but a few minutes for me at the time. Then he calls me and tells me we're shopping for another motorcycle tomorrow and I'm paying for it. If that's the price of admission to hell -- let me think. PASS! I learned a lot. And in reality, the sting is pretty strong. Stay strong? Remember every dirty little deed and turn up the volume. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 6/9/2008 8:31:37 PM | Dear Aurielle, I know it's hard, and you have a lot of hurt you're carrying around. Counselling would be a great option for you - it helps you understand yourself and your feelings better.
I humbly offer the following:
1. You are a whole, complete person. You have value even if you are not in a relationship, and even though "being alone" might seem scary, it is far better to be alone and healthy than in a destructive relationship. This is true especially if you are compromising your values, your ideas, and ultimately yourself to stay in the relationship.
2. You deserve the best - you deserve to be treated with respect. LOVE IS A VERB - he can say he loves you until he's blue in the face, but if his actions don't show it, it's not love. It's something else. Example: he makes fun of your booty. When you confront him, he says you are being too sensitive, and that he loves you, and asks why you would question his motives. Making critical comments about your appearance is not appropriate or acceptable. His actions are showing you how he truly feels.
3. Right now, you have the opportunity to learn about your boundaries - what is acceptable to you in a relationship and what isn't. From your past experiences, you know what you don't want and will not tolerate from a partner.
4. Trust your instincts - if something seems off about a guy right away, even if you can't "justify" it or you don't know why you're feeling the way you do, trust yourself. I believe in womens' intuition - we are perceptive about what is going on around us. Chances are your instincts told you at some point that your past guy(s) were bad news, but you overlooked it b/c he was hot, or you were lonely, or you thought you were being paranoid.
5. If there is something going on in the relationship that makes you uncomfortable or sad, you have the right to speak up. You can ask him, neutrally, why he said or did something, and let him know how it made you feel. If he doesn't care (even if says he cares, but his actions don't change) ask yourself: do you really want to be with someone who doesn't care about your feelings?? That's not a relationship you want. You deserve better!
Just some thoughts. Good luck to you and stay strong. There are lots of people out there and it's just not worth it to stay with someone who isn't treating you well. There are nice guys out there - this is a big world we live in. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 7/29/2008 2:19:55 PM | You're getting something out of the relationship that you want, and maybe that something is the abuse. this is what therapy will help you with.
I grew up in an abusive family and the way out is out. I have no contact with them. If they call me, I'm civil but absolutely refuse any offers of contact. I'm through with them. When they realized that they left me alone. When your ex realizes that "jerkin' your chain" doesn't get the reaction he wants he'll stop.
If you have restraining orders, any violation should be reported and documented. When you call 911 ask for an identifier, and a file number! Record the information, date and time, and remove it to a safe site as soon as possible. It might be an idea to record every time you see him (or her) with an eye at prosecuition for stalking.
Never take an abuser back. Everything is right, a far as they are concerned, in their world, it's yours they pollute. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 7/29/2008 2:36:45 PM | The reason most women go back is due to fear. After I left my abusive husband, he stole my car and totaled it, gave me death threats at my office, sabotaged my car - steering/serpentine belt taken off so I couldn't turn my wheel so I would die and another time he flattened my tires and another time he sabotaged the brake lines and then he took the car and totaled the entire passenger side. Why? Because I got the car and the car payment in divorce court and he didn't want me to have it. So I took that trashed vehicle to the dealership, handed them the keys and my ex's address and phone number - went to bankrupty atty and filed bankruptcy. He couldn't file bankruptcy for 5 years so he inherited that $15,000 bill for himself.
But many women would be intimidated and afraid so to avoid the aforementioned wrath, they would go back. Instead, I moved to another state - out of sight, out of mind, and got on with my life.
Space, determination, strength and not letting abusive jerks get the best of you works wonders. If you are under stress, join the gym and work off the frustrations. That is also therapeutic.
Good luck! | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 7/29/2008 2:55:51 PM | | Sometimes you cannot go to your family or friends, especially if their upbringing and belief is different than yours. Women in my mother's age range, those born in the 1940s = Women never leave their man no matter what. So they, of course, would say - BE A GOOD WIFE AND STICK IT OUT.....IF YOU WERE A GOOD WIFE, HE WOULDN'T BEAT YOU. That's a crock too. Once a beater, always a beater. Times have changed so it's okay for women to leave. For a support system with people that can relate, you go to women's shelters and talk to a domestic violence counselor/victim's advocate through the District Attorney's office if you can't go to family and friends due to difference of opinion, lifestyle and belief system. | |
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