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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 7/29/2008 3:02:46 PM | | We take them back, because we idealize them and fall in love, before we get to know them. They have a hold on us, and it is so shocking with what they do.... sometimes we can't believe it.... so we let it go, just knowing that things will change. Well, they never do, because once you let someone get away with it, they will do it again. The abuser is always testing to see how far they can push. If you take self-defense classes, they will teach you how to be more assertive, so if you ever find yourself in a predictament, you will be trained to respond immediately... instead of someone who is untrained, and surprised and shocked, not knowing what to do. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 7/29/2008 3:06:02 PM | I was with a verbal loud mouth abusive man for 16 yrs ... it starts with you doing anything to get him not to yell and then before you know it its a way of life and he knows it ... That relationship ended over 3 yrs ago and I will NOT go back to that ... Some ppl do go back to the abuser and its sad cause they are missing out ...
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 7/29/2008 3:07:12 PM | I dont forgive! They are abusive liars and you must not believe the bs. If they are verbally, physically, emotionally abusive, break up and do not go back. You would be the idiot if you settle for that crap. It is a physological game, they shower you in gifts and compliments, then once they feel you like them they begin the test, they start undermining your self esteem, they find out what your weaknesses are. (Yes this guy that is interested, asking questions and sooo attentive... red flag if it is too soon) They act like the perfect man, we fall in love with that... guy and hope "he" will come back, but... that was all an act...
They use the weaknesses against you and it begins what is called the honeymoon/abuse cycle. First they scream at you, call you names, stay out all night, act like they are mad at you for being upset with them, more name calling, ignoring you, cheating, getting drunk, hitting you... then they are soooo sorry baby.. they will never do it again, it is just that they love you so much, and you make them so mad...
RUN for your life, they are all the same, you will end up dead | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 7/29/2008 3:14:07 PM | you go back for the same reason i kept going back to an abusive woman until the last straw broke the camel's back.
we are stupid for buying into their wonderful words of apology and promises of change, but we lie to ourselves knowing their words are still lies anyway cuz their actions don't back up their words. plus it's some of their good qualities that teases us to hang around thinking we
can build a solid gig off the good stuff...if we just keep being patient...which in turn gives us some false strength to put up with the bullshit of their perverted thought process and twisted value system.
its a viscous cycle that's like a cancer eating away at your spirit.. and says: go ahead..take my heart and soul..turn it into hamburger and enjoy.
but this is what we deserve when we know we are tied in with a life sucking dysfunctional loser thinking our love can fix things.... | |
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jm0405
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Joined: 7/7/2008
Msg: 206 | |
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 7/29/2008 3:35:49 PM | For men that believe ALL women like being abused and ALL women go back, never leave and/or look to be abused, you are very incorrect. In the beginning, abusers are "perfect" men, everything you ever wanted in a partner. If they were honest up front and said, "Oh for a hobby, I beat women." WE WOULD RUN!! They act good up until the point they have you hooked, you are married, you live together and then WHAM! You get to see the real them. I stayed in it for 2-1/2 years, but we were separated the last 6 months where I was basically stalked from that point past the divorce phase when I left the state. But in the 2 years we were together, the neighbors called the police and he was arrested twice for trying to kill me in front of witnesses no less. When he was out of jail, I had a restraining order and he and I went through counseling. After his first arrest, his year in anger management and counseling failed and he went to jail that second time, we were done...MARRIAGE OVER...C-YA. I gave him a chance to change and become a better person. He failed - I left - Never looked back. Today, I don't date violent men and if a man has a way about him that says he's a stalker, I am outta there. I don't date men that come across over-possessive, controlling or manipulative. These are characteristics of an abuser.
So gentlemen, believe it or not, women don't go looking for the "bad boy" like you seem to think. It simply happens. We all eventually leave or die by staying - there is nothing in the middle. If we leave, I know many women like myself, don't repeat history and avoid that kind of man. It's called live and learn. Those that land another abuser is more than likely on a self-destructive course and will end up being murdered so they won't be on here posting since they will probably already be 6 feet under. Sad but true - harsh reality. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 7/29/2008 4:09:14 PM | | First of all let me say I'm not an abusive person. I was married for 15 years and I never treated my wife badly. I can only remember one time that we even argued over something. Then I got divorced and from the divorce I felt I could not trust women anymore. Then I met Teresa and I fell in love with her. I was so much in love with her, she was what I had always wanted my wife to be but couldn't be. Teresa had all my heart and soul. She was everything to me. We had some great times together. I lover her and her children. I even cosigned a loan for her son to go to college. I had every intention to marry her. I bought her a $4000 wedding ring to show her my love. I still have the ring and will never sell it because it will only fit her finger. Then one day she told me about some things she did before we met. I don't know why she felt she had to tell me but she did. She used to spend weekends at this nudest campground. She used to attend and she would take her young kids with her. Her kids were 7 and 10. There were over 1ooo people at this campground and as good as she looked I know she was popular there. All kinds of things came into my head, you name it I thought of it and I didn't want to think of her that way. It might have been spiritual like she said but all I could think about was orgys and stuff like that going on and I didn't want to think of her that way. I knew when the kids weren't there something was going on. I couldn't get it out of my head. She kept going on and on , she'd say Ron, you want to make it dirty when it was a spritual thing going on there. She kept going on and on about it. I don't know I just lost it for a few seconds and I grabbed her and told her to shupup I don't want to hear anymore about it. I never hit her or anything like that. I just grabbed her. I lost comtrol for like 10 seconds after I begged her to forgive me and she did for a while. Soon I lost the greatest love I have ever had in my life. After that she was scared of me. I think about her everyday, I still love her with all my heart. I miss her so much my life will never be happy again because she is not in it. I wish I could go back and make things right. I will never get over her. Her telling me that just disturbed me so much I didn't want to think of her that way and I messed it up. I'm not an abusive person I just lost control at that moment. I'm sure in her mind she thinks I'm abusive but I just cared for her so much it hurt me bad to hear those things and have those thoughts about someone I loved and still love. Well, now I'm paying the price. I hurt for her everyday. I pray everyday to fix things between us I ask God to forgive me and I have asked her to forgive me many, many times but it will never happen. I wish I could go back and be with her cause I ache in my heart for her. She is the greatest lady I have ever met. She was like 10 women in one. Smart, clever, everything. Sometimes men, people do things they really don't mean to do and they never get over it. I could meet other women but it won't be her so it really means nothing to me, I will never get over her as long as I live. I have even thought about killing myself to show her how much I love her but I'm too much the coward to do that. My point is that some men are bad but some men let their emotions get the best of them in times like these, I was acting on pure emotion at the time and it cost me my LOVE, and My HEART in the process. I cry for her almost everyday. I drink to try to get my mind off of her but it doesn't help. I will never be the same person after losing her. It's almost like she died and I mourn for her everyday. So just don't think guys are bad because they get upset and do stupid things. Sometimes men get hurt too. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 7/29/2008 4:11:05 PM | Why do we forgive them? Because we are brought up that triue love forgives ALL.
Why do we go back? Because having them beg for forgiveness confirms that we are someone that is lovable and wanted by those we love.
Abusers need our unconditional love to survive the hell of their own lives. Until we can understand that we can not "fix" those we love. and that love will walk away before it will turn into someone that hurts those they love, we will never be able to break the cyle of abuse.
If a man has to hit you or hurt you to feel better about themselves, that is not love, it is possessiveness only.
Look in the phone book and find a locale support group. Until you educate yourself about the pattern of controling/abusive behaviors, and recongize the patterns of an abusive/controlling partner you will find blame in yourself still, not the one person who is to blame ---- the abuser!
And if you are one of those reading this who are the abuser? Stop looking for someone to fix you, only time and some hard looking into the reasons that you hurt those you love, can begun to heal yourself. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 7/29/2008 4:33:20 PM | i'll tell you my own tale of woe and i will keep it exceedingly short. if you have any other questions, i'll be happy to elaborate.
i was married to someone like this, many years ago.
after i finally left, i went through a period of deep introspection and discovered to my great surprise that i married someone who treated me the way i felt about myself. then i changed the way i felt about myself, because i knew i deserved better.
it's okay to forgive. it's completely wrong to go back.
IMO. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 7/29/2008 4:42:31 PM | | I am not going to critisice or justify, but please think on this the first time a man raises his voice to a woman it is an indication he is violent towards a female. I had dad the same. Mick My idea of a woman/Lady/female is very simple they are lifes future to be loved and held dearly in ones heart. I know there are some bad woman but a mans a man and twice as strong, why then bully a woman. I can say no more. Take care and get rid of him if he is violent because he is not a mans man. All the best Mick. x | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 7/29/2008 4:56:51 PM | hi mate first of i suggest you move on, you come across as a weak person, sad and lonely, or even a stalker. get a life, if it means moving to another city , do it. you should never had put a hand on her. she told you things from her past, which were before your time and really f all to do with you, so she need not have said a word and you would never have known. think about it.You are your own problem. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 7/29/2008 5:24:11 PM |
she'd say Ron, you want to make it dirty when it was a spritual thing going on there.
Ron, your story is a sad one. I personally don’t care what she may have thought it was about, I see it as pure evil. Why do you think that you reacted the way you did? I wouldn’t have grabbed her, but I certainly would have ended the relationship. It doesn’t matter if it were an orgy thing or not, it was dirty. Don’t get me wrong, I think that the female body is a beautiful thing. Nudism and ‘free spiritedness’ is not godly and certainly not spiritual. It destroys ones soul, it is an open door for the devil to move in and take the reins, so to speak. Even if you don’t believe in God or the devil, it is mindfully weak.
I am not surprised that you reacted the way that you did; most good men would feel disgusted by that behavior, though getting physical is not acceptable.
I know that you probably don’t want to let go, but it would be best for youself. Else it will eat you up inside. That is the devil at work. I hope that you can deal with it and let it go and mend yourself inside. You were ‘stabbed’ by satan through her, so ask God for help. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 7/29/2008 6:07:32 PM | | I was in the position to study this subject for years and even today, I can not understand why women cling to abusive men. For some reason women are attracted to those type of men and once married, those types look at women as being their property and in short figure they can do what they chose to whenever. I think women are afraid of leaaving, especially those with children for a lot of times abusived women do not know where to turn to for help and those types of men just keep on till, hopeful the abused woman get educated and gets out of the situation. Taking self defense classes are great, but unless they are continued and praticed on a daily basis, not a lot is retained and when attacked panic sets in instead of reacting to the attack.. Those types of men are real brave when it comes to hitting a woman, but will think twice about hitting a man for a man will hit back..Basically they are nothing but cowards. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 7/29/2008 8:03:13 PM | I guess it's one of those things that - if it keeps on happening, time and time again, you have to look at the only common denominator - you. Unless a girl thinks she's worth a lot, no one else will see it either. I get so annoyed with girlfriends when they say their current less-than-spectacular boyfriends "treats them so good" Ummmmm how ELSE are they supposed to treat you?!? That should be the absolute bare bones to build on right???
And let's not forget the old perversely feminine trait of wanting to change someone and foolishly believing it can be done. My mama always says "pick someone you like right outta the box - they aren't changing" and it's so true! | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 7/31/2008 5:06:38 PM | | Women like men who reach out and take what they want from life. Undfortunately, this can lead them into the arms of men who have psychotic, controlling tendancies. A woman has to have a lot of self confidence and self esteem to attract men of action who are also men of honesty and principles. A lot of women seeking such men don't have the strength and self control to make it work for them. They end up grabbing the first macho-man who catches their eye, and he is probably not going to be the cream of the crop. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 7/31/2008 7:41:42 PM | | I don't think I'll ever get over her. I have asked God for help but I see nithing happening. I also asked God to give her back to me cause I love her so much. I don't believe I can ever get past this. I have been out with other women but when I do go out I just think about the one I am with is not Teresa. She is a great person even though she did what she did I'd take he back in a second if I could have her. I hate what happened. It has been 10 months and I miss her so much I pray everyday for God to let me have her back in my life. I know I had true love in my hands and threw it away adn I kick myself everyday for that happening. I appreciate your insight toward me that tells me I wasn't totally wrong in what I did. I know I shouldn't of grabbed her but I just reacted to it before I could think about it. the way she told me was, Her son was getting ready to graduate from high school and she was going to have a party for him. SHe knew there were going to be people there that knew about her past and I guess she was afraid someone would tell me so she just told me She said, Ok Ron, here's the big secret. I didn't know what she was talking about and then she told me. At first I just told her I didn't want to hear it and she just kept on talking about it so I got up to walk out of the room and then it just hit me adn I turned around and ran over to her and grabbed he. God I wish I had not of done that. It cost me my Love and I'll never recover from that mistake. Thanks for understanding. Ron | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 7/31/2008 8:02:49 PM | | I guess some of you can take pleasure that I one guy that the abused didn't go back to and forgive. I didn't mean to do what I did. I just want you to know that sometime when stuff like this happens the man suffers as well. I just wish she would forgive me even if she didn't come back to me. I hate what I did. I feel I ruined my life from my actions as well. I was so happy with her till that day and I have lived in HELL ever sence. Everyday is hell for me cause I lost the love of my life due to my reaction and stupidity. I miss her everyday. Everyday I ask God to forgive me and soften her heart towards me. I would love to have her back in my life again. Some days I feel I can't go on with my sorrow. She is always on my mind. Just so those of you who blame men for the things they do take solice in the fact that I'm one man who is suffering everyday for his actions. Maybe I'm getting what I deserve. It's been 10 months and all I know is it still hurts like nothing I have ever experenced in my life. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 7/31/2008 11:12:45 PM |
She said, Ok Ron, here's the big secret.
It was a secret. She knew that it was wrong. She should have told you in the beginning. That was her wrong doing towards you. I guarantee you that you grabbing her is not what scares her. What scares her is that now you know and you do not approve. What scares her is that she is now lesser in your mind. She knows deep down that it was wrong, even while she keeps trying to convince herself that it was spiritual.
Evil does exist, and now you have seen it first hand. You are not the one that needs help, she is the one that needs help. Pray for her. Pray that one day she will be able to conquer her own demons, because they are there, and they are for her to battle. Pray that god gives her the strength, and ability, to do it.
I have lived in HELL ever sence… …She is always on my mind.
That is natural. You are blaming yourself. You are thinking that the reason that all of this happened is because you grabbed her. That is not true. It should not have been done, but it is not the reason. You have the natural instinct to help her, but you cannot, which means that you know have demons of your own. That is why I say that you have to let go. Pray for her, but let go for her. Let go of your want to help her and cast your love for her into the wind. I know that that sounds heartless, but it is what is best. You will always love her, but you have to stop holding onto that love.
If you do not, then it will tear you up from the inside out. Literally. Physically. The pain will tear at your soul.
Do not ask for her back. That would be wrong for you and for her. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 7/31/2008 11:41:10 PM | Hi aurielle, well firstly our system of survival unfortunately hinges on men being the bread winner while we look after the kids. (I hope you don't have any kids to this guy). So that in itself weakens us to depend on them. The system should make grandparents and extended family to help a lot more with the raising of the kids, so that women don't feel they have to go back to abusive relationships, just to survive.  | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 8/1/2008 12:34:01 AM | | thats true it is had to find good guys and from my outlook god never intended a woman to serve and honer a man that went againts god, to mistreat someone, to abuse theme weather by words or physicly is not doign ight by god so i would say no girl should eve go back to a man that is abusive cuz people like that normaly do not change | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 8/1/2008 12:54:01 AM | | This is the simplest thing to answer... Why should anyone treat us any better then we treat ourselves... We don't draw that type of man...we make that type of man... abuse comes in many forms...but you are allowing them and asking them to abuse you... Oh and yes I have been very guilty of this myself... why would a guy want to take you out, show you off, when he can keep you behind closed doors and do what he wants...Stand up and dust yourself off... fall inlove with yourself...and don't let anyone ever tell you, that is wrong... men will take what they want if you are willing to throw it at them...even good men can change if you make them... start with you, and don't cave in... Learn NO, and learn to love you... then anyone else who loves you will just have to take back seat to your first love...YOU... sweetie it isn't easy...but it is worth it... Not conceded just know how I need to be loved...won't settle anymore...their loss, they didn't appriciate what they had...let them move on to someone who will feed their insecurities...good luck | |
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| sad and lonely, or even a stalker.
Posted: 8/1/2008 6:00:18 AM | | To Mr. Superjock... You sir are the reason I replied to this thread. Your opinion is a common one I'm sure, this is why I wanted to give a different perspective on how some men get into trouble not of their own intentions. You form your opinion without all the information. 1st, sad and lonely, yes you are right. STALKER... negative...! I've lost the lady I loved how could I not be lonely, but being a JOCK, I guess you wouldn't understand that. 2nd, this lady didn't leave me after this happened we stayed together for four months and during this time she came to my house many times and spent time with me alone so she wasn't so upset as not to be with me anymore. 3rd, This Lady had trememdous issues with panic disorder. She took several different meds for it. She would even have panic attacks while driving on the interstate at times. I don't know if you know about people with Panic disorders but most can't control the times when the have attacks, it just comes over them as a fear over nothing sometimes and it takes a few moments for them to get through it. 4th, This lady had been married 3 times so she had some issues with men from the start and I knew that from the beginning. That being said, I loved her and I was willing to look beyond all her problems because I cared for her and loved her. Thats what love is if you don't know, It's accepting someones flaws and loving them for who they are. Just as if she only had one leg and you were willing to look past that because you had love for the person. That's real love for someone. 5th, She sprung this on me all at once and I didn't have time to absorb it before I reacted to it, my bad for sure I give you that. 6th, I don't know about you but I could never take my kids amongst 1000 people and expose them to nudity of this type at such a young age. I felt very disturbed about her for doing this. I guess your home is your home but she would walk around naked in front of her children and they were 17 boy and 14 girl. When we met she told me that they were alright with nudity in the home but I was not of that thinking so she curbed it when I was there. I never saw them nude nor would I want to see them. Her son would bust in on us in the bedroom sometimes until I told her she had to get him to knock before he entered the room because I was uncomfortable with him seeing his mother naked. Maybe I'm in the wrong but I just didn't think it was right for a 17 yr old kid to see his mother's naked body, I wasn't raised like that way right or wrong. Sad and Lonely, yes. STALKER... definatly not. I take person insult at you even presenting this as a argument in this matter. I just happend to fall in love with THIS woman I can't help the way she is just like she can't help the way I am, when you fall in love it just happens and you embrace it. Generally you may not know everything about the person at the time and some people it takes years to find out what they are all about. I guess you being Mr Superjock you wouldn't know something like that so I hope I have educated you to some degree in understanding on this topic, I may not be a "man's man" as you say but I'm man enough to admit I was wrong and to use my own name instead of some enflated persona as you sir. MICKtheJOCK.... I bet you are... NOT...! Good day to you SIR... | |
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| sad and lonely, or even a stalker.
Posted: 8/1/2008 6:38:07 AM | | Plenty of people are throwing around the word "stupidity". Stupidity has nothing to do with it. As others have said, it's low self-esteem. That's why women go back to abusers, and that's why they gravitate towards men who will be mean to them. What do you do about it? Therapy. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 8/1/2008 6:59:47 AM |  u have the courage to put yourself out there to ask questions & reach out,,AND THAT IS SMART!!! unfortunately there is no real set formula to decipher whether a person is really horrible..HOWEVER THAT SAID as a survivor of abuse at the hands of a man I will say this....the 2 things I have come across A LOT OF THEM? are the Ted Bundys (the psycho killer) of the world..THEY ARE CHARMING and personable and they like to suck a lot of people into their dramas they create..they chat about others and how they have been wronged a lot..maybe not at first,but usually right away...U WILL NOTICE THEY DON'T USUALLY HAVE MORE THAN ONE 'GOOD' FRIEND, they tend to be a be more anti-social then u initially imagine or think they would be. AND THIRDLY the abuse usually will start out small..example: CALLING AND GETTING UPSET IF U DON'T PICK UP UR PHONE, trying to make you feel insecure by either putting u down ,and sometimes in a jokey way and a lot of time indirectly...THE BEST THING U CAN DO IS LEARN FROM IT & RESOLVE YOURSELF TO THE FACT THAT NOBODY ELSE EQUATES UR WORTH AND U ARE NOT A VICTIM!...Your a survivor...trust me IT COULD BE DEADLY to be involved with a man like that..and more than that now u strive to deal with the emotions, counseling is a good idea or reach out to other survivors like myself....AND LIVE FOR YOU FIRST! & FOREMOST...GET ANGRY!!! THAT HELPS ,BUT! DON'T CARRY IT..! WORK -OUT! READ ABOUT OTHER SURVIVORS & COUNT UR LUCKY STARS! THAT UR ALIVE & hopefully don't have children by the animal...FEEL FREE TO REACH OUT ANYTIME! | |
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