| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 10:45:14 AM | She is one insecure and fragile woman............that is the point and that is what you need to take on board............big changes to be made, can she? does she want to? does she understrand she needs to?
DO YOU WANT TO??????? | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 11:07:54 AM | Firstly I can understand her feeling like an after thought because of your comments I would say she is ....
You mentioned her feelings like they don't matter and if you don't feel her pain mister then you will likely have another "ex" very shortly ... she only wanted you to acknowledge her pain .. that is the way we all are ,.,,..
You say you are dating ... well you may be taking her out on dates but you are living together and that requires maturity and committment ... when you need to check in with your partner on any issue you need to learn how to do that together .. that is called intimacy ..... when you mirror and acknowledge her feelings, she has legitimate complaints and you take them to each other not your ex or your .. mom , that is what a real man does and that is why they are a turn on .. cause they know where to "fix " the concerns they create... .......... You say that your ex has your only child ... yup .,... but long after the kids are gone and doin their own lives your partner will be their for you if you treat her feelings as though she "matters" ,.... want to win some really great brownie points .. after the emotional roller coaster has died down.. sit with her .. face to face . .. acknowledge her feelings as she talks to you .. mirror in your own words what she says and apologize to her for "making her feel second best". Ask her for forgiveness realizing that you did not think the consequences would be that devasting to her .. and hold her long enough for her to feel needed by you ... this will be the beginning of healing this for her .. and greater intimacy for the both of you ... | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 11:16:42 AM | | Dear Haska we are all insecure and fragile sometimes .. it does not make us weak it makes us human . If this guy is trying to justify his lack of concern for his partner's feelings he will not get it from me .. or any other women who feels hurt. You may feel hurt in a situation that others might find ludicrous but it happens so you would be saying your feelings matter and hers don't.. nope ... she is hurt and it is what it is ... men and women are very different creatures and it is this level of vulnerability in this woman that he appreciates .. do not destroy it .. nurture her and you will find a deeper and more caring love than you have ever known .. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 11:28:00 AM | | Dear Phoenix .. I dunno where you get your info... but common sense is not one of your strong points... no significant other would ever take a back seat to a failed relationship with another .. even if the person is the mother of your children............ accepting that would doom any other relationship ....... guaranteed. If the relationship of intimacy has ended with the ex and all the baggage is dealt with ........... you should be emotionally free to create the best you can give . This woman is looking for an acknowledgement of appreciation from this man and I gottah believe that when she is harping about how he never says anything to her about how much she contributes he needs to listen as the feelings are what are important here ... he needs to listen to her heart not her words ... this is not passive agressive this is a woman who is feeling hurt and she needs him to pay attention... | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 11:34:22 AM | You are at it again? Yes you were wrong. She should have been number 1, not number 3!!!
What does the fact that you don't have children together have to do with anything? You are living with this woman as if she were your wife, she is a mother, so of course she should have been the first one you said happy mothers day to.
In a sense it isn't all your fault, as it sounds like you come from a long line of cold blooded people. I do remember your other posts stating that at holidays your relatives give your children gifts but not hers. However her relatives do give your children gifts. So you argue. Works a lot like the weather. A cold front(you)runs into a warm front(her) and you get thunderstorms(arguments).
Honestly, I just keep hoping that your girlfriend will get the inner strength to leave you and that she can find a man that truly loves her, and will put her first!!! She certainly deserves it after all you have put her through.
It doesn't matter that he isn't her child, he is meant to be the man that loves her, and as a result should be telling her happy mother's day first!!! Those other women aren't his mother for that matter, but they rated ahead of her.
She will never be number 1 for anything with you, will she? | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 11:34:59 AM | | I read thru every thread and alot of gals here are so full of malark regarding their so called insecure feelings... don't tell me that you have not experienced times in your life when you have been hurt and even though it appeared proposterous to others it was "your hurt" ... when someone thinks another's feelings are insignificant they are not ready for an intimate bond with anyone .... deep connections are created by recognizing the needs of another ... that is what life and love is all about... | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 11:40:59 AM | If you live with her out of convenience, I'd just let it pass over, she'll forget about it after awhile...and after consistent inconsiderate behavior she'll just assume this is the type of person you are and whether she can accept it or not. This may take years, so you have time, of course those few years will be full of drama.
I don't have children but know alot of people that do. My Mom had ten kids. I haven't told my Mother, happy Mother's Day and I am at their house now. The party is at 7:30PM EST so I still have some time to go to the store and find a frame for this picture of her and I at a Catholic retreat from like almost 30 years ago. I even made a comment to her about not airing my business to other siblings because it was private and she was offended. And, no "Happy Mother's Day" as of yet. I will do it when I hand her my sentimental picture and she will forgive me, but I said what I said to her this morning because it was neccesary and she was wrong to talk about my business to other people, even if I hurt her feelings. I even made a comment in front of both my parents that I was not old, like 50-60-- or 70 years old and was going to croak soon and not have to deal with people's gossip. Which is the comment I really feel bad about because my Mom is 66 and my Dad is 73. Yea, I am no angel.
However, in your situation I would say your girlfriend seems a little insecure about your relationship. Doesn't seem like a good situation. If she woke you up, you should have said "Happy Mother's Day" to her first because she woke you up and she is a Mother. I had a conversation with some friends years back about Mother's Day being for you own Mother, but apparently it happens to be a day that you celebrate all Mom's. You should tell her first because she is your "woman", you are suppose to make her feel special and the most important person in your world. Than, ultimately its your Mother that you should celebrate and than of course your kids Mother and all ex's are last on the list, especially if you have a current girlfriend.
I'm a very secure person, but I would consider that a passive agressive attack on me. The difference between her and I is I would not even mention it. I would just add it to your list and punish you in my own passive aggresive ways and it would usually hurt twice as much as your infliction on me. He he he. Yup, I have issues too. Sometimes when I feel wronged, there is no reason to show my boyfriend that I am bothered by it if I didn't think they would even care. Why give them ammunition and show your weaknesses? You don't seem to care, just oblivious to the fact that what you did was probably wrong. Albeit you may have done it on purpose to get a rise out of her because you know it pisses her off.
A woman can sense genuine love from a man. It's shows through his efforts to charm you and make you smile and care for you in a way that you know you have nothing to be insecure about. However, in my previous relationship, my ex of eight years was so controlling and insecure that anything I did was not enough. He just wanted more and more . So, it's hard to gauge without looking at the overall history. However, in regards to your post, it would have been better for you to have awaken, saw her, and the first thing out of your mouth was Happy Mother's Day baby (with an appreciative gleam in your eyes)... say I love you....or something equally cheesy and that works. One way to learn how to make your partner happy is to know them better than they know themselves. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 12:01:03 PM | | Yes time for this poor woman to run away from this very hurtful self centered male. I wish I had the chance to talk to her. I would do everything I could to get her to leave him, and find someone that really cares about her. I feel so sorry for her and her children. His children too, as he is teaching them all about how to be cold and loveless. Yet another generation of cold blooded people. Just what the world needs. Not!!! | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 12:12:23 PM | | OMG how petty! She's jealous.... Just tell her you didn't wake up thinking Oh I must tell these women happy mothers day before you tell her! Some people just want to fight over anything. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 12:12:49 PM | | Well of course you are going to get raked over the coals, you dolt! You make her feel insecure with your actions as well as your words. By your own admission you state that you give her very little emotional support (because you CHOSE to put them first!) I have not read any of your other threads on this train-wreck, but by the looks of the other posts here, you really don't seem to like this woman you are living with -- actions speak louder than words! | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 12:17:29 PM |
I read thru every thread
You may have read through them but you clearly did not comprehend them.
no significant other would ever take a back seat to a failed relationship with another
No shit. Do you think that may be why she blew a gasket? Because her current SO cares more about his ex than her?
This woman is looking for an acknowledgement of appreciation from this man and I gottah believe that when she is harping about how he never says anything to her about how much she contributes he needs to listen as the feelings are what are important here ... he needs to listen to her heart not her words ... this is not passive agressive this is a woman who is feeling hurt and she needs him to pay attention...
That is the very definition of passive aggressive!!!!
She's not furious about the fact that she washes the dishes all the time or is always making dinner... she's angry because her SO, after 6 years, treats her like she's expendable.
Maybe next time, instead of just reading, you may take a moment to digest what is written. To that end, it might help if you put down the bottle whilst posting to the forums. 
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 12:22:40 PM | | You're the one with the Y chromosome, you're supposed to be the man, it's your fault and your problem. Grow up. Be a man. Fix it. Quit whining before she wakes up and looks for a real man. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 12:41:44 PM | She sounds really needy to me, and it is a personality trait I despise. She is without a doubt VERY jealous of your Ex. You have been with her long enough to know how Uber-sensitive she is about this kind of crap, so either you need to change your attitude and always put her ahead of Exes and friends or find someone that does not get a sh1t about sentimental garbage. Mix an overly needy woman with a thoughtless guy and what do you get? One miserable household.
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 1:36:36 PM | re the Opost
In my book only the sons/daughters wish their own mothers HMD.
It is not only the logical thing but also saves all this petty stuff that is described in the Opost. The OP should have wished HMD to HIS mother only.
Having said all that, it does seem that there are agenda issues underlying his GF's reaction. But again, what is it with all this HMD wishing around??!!! | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 1:51:06 PM | I find quite a lot of women to be paranoid to one extent or another.
They also tend to be control freaks.
This certainly seems to apply to your girlfriend. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 2:48:29 PM | Let me see if I can set the record straight here. Not that it's gonna do much good because most of you have already made up your mins about me and my girl. 6 years ago when we met I had full custody of my daughter. Me and my daughter's mom have one of the best relationships I could ever want for our child. We went through the fussing and fighting while we were going through our custody battle. But ever since we've managed to put our differences aside for the sake of our child. Again, my girl, being a single parent herself, does not have anywhere near the kind of relationship with her son's father that I have with my daughter's mom. Could that be the root of the problem because me and my daughter's mom don't have the "baby momma/daddy drama" that most have? Could it be that we can actually call each other up and laugh on the phone? No, there's no chance on us getting back together. We don't make a great couple but we make excelent parents. Again, I think my own mom gave me sound advice this morning when she said it doesn't matter when you hear it or what order you hear it but that you hear it at some point. I acknowledged her. No, it wasn't 1st or 2nd. She got thirds. Hell my own mom didn't come into play until 4th. I just think it was very petty to make an issue because I didn't wake her up first to tell her. When I got up she was still in the bed. I wasn't gonna wake her up just to say happy mother's day. And no, she doesn't have any of my kids. Yes, we've been together 6 years helping each other raise their kids but that still doesn't make you first on everything. My God people, You all are making it seem like I drag this woman through hell. No, she drags herself through that by always making an issue of every little thing. This past Friday she told me that her family were having a little family reunion today (Sunday) of all days and she wanted me to go. We'd have to drive almost an hour away. Her mom and my mom live in our town but they were going out of town with their family. I told her I was gonna spend that time with my own mom. She constantly asked me all weekend long until we got into a big argument over it Saturday night. First of all I think she shouldn't have even asked me to go out of town with her to spend time with her mom when mine was right here. I've tried to reassure her that she is important to me but my daughter's mom is important too. Why? Because we are friends. I don't cut people out of my life simply because I'm no longer dating them. My best friend who had my god-child was a girl I dated several years before she had her daughter.
Listen, I'm not trying to make excuses here. I just want you guys to see that I'm trying to be what she wants me to be. But in order to do that I have to forget who I am just to make her feel secure. No, I'm not selfish or inconsiderate. I'll give her the shirt off my back if it came down to it. But she's so busy trying to prove to me that she can be a wife until she's skipped over the part on being just a friend. Washing clothes or cooking a meal every now and again doesn't push you to the top of anybody's list. Being a friend does. But if you can't even be a freind without complaining over every little thing then why would I want to make you my wife.
I do love my girl and maybe I don't tell her as often as she'd like to hear it (everyday) but I am a firm beleiver that actions speak louder than words. I'm here with you every day. Make plans for vacations and things like that. Help you pay bills. Share in your pain. Celebrate your accomplishments. But because I may have put someone above you once in a while then I'm the scum of the earth. Sorry, you may be my girl but you may not always come first in my book. And if you can't accept that then you need to find a guy that's gonna put you on a pedestal and worship the ground you walk on forsaking his friends and family just to make you confortable.
If I'm wrong then I'm wrong. Now, had this woman had a child by me and I still over looked her then I would welcome any and all abuse. And it doesn't matter that we've been together 6 years. Some women in this forum agree with me. She's petty and overly sensitive. She finds reason to complain about everything.
The other week when we were arguing she took back a bottle of cologne that she had given me several months earlier. Then got highly upset when a week later she gave it back to me and I wouldn't take it. I told her that if you give someone a gift you don't dictate how they use it and you certainly don't take it back simply because you're mad at them. I told her I couldn't and wouldn't take it back because it would never be mine. But what pissed her off even more is that several days later I had ordered my own bottle of the same cologne and now she feels that she wasted the money on the first bottle.
I'm not out to make her the bad guy because I have my faults and flaws too. But I don't go around looking for fights just because I'm feeling neglected. I love me too much to ever depend on someone else loving me. I don't need a woman to validate me. She is an important part of my life but she is not the only part of my life. I can not and will not forsake others I've known all my life simply because she's now sleeping my bed. I will not ruin a great relationship with my daughter's mom because she feels left out. We are exes for a reason but we are still parents. And I'm not gonna let my daughter, our daughter, see me and mommy fighting simply because my current girlfriend would rather we fight than get along just to make her feel more secure about her position in this relationship.
And again, it's not like I didn't tell her at all. She was third. Big freaking deal! | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 2:57:31 PM | I think she has some self esteem and insecurity issues. You live with her, she has you affection, your love, your money, your help and your sexual activity. Telling her like you did shouldn't be an issue.
I don't know her, nor you, nor her past experience, but some thought for you both: how would she react if she lived alone, and had to spend Christmas al0ne, Mother's Day with a 4 year old child who doesn't know what the fuss is about and was looking to her next birthday working and alone?
Honestly, some women don't know how much of a privileged position they have in life... | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 3:03:56 PM | Incredibly petty and small minded. Since you have a daughter you may want to seriously consider the impact that having this woman around and acting this way may make upon her. She may be more of an influence than you're aware of.
You have one female child, that is a child it does appear you have two. One that's just older. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 3:04:55 PM | | well by all rights you should have told her first. after all you are sleeping with her right? but you know what. as long as you told her it doesnt really matter if you told her third. but then again she is not your mother or for that matter you dont have any kids together. she is just being childish. you know what i say? i say FORGET about it. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 3:15:07 PM | | I'm not sure why you are wishing someone who isn't your mother a "happy mothers day" (or even why they would expect you to) this is the day to honor your own mother, not every woman you ever had a relationship with who has children (including the newest one). But if you are going to wish it to everyone, always start at home to avoid conflict of interst. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 3:20:14 PM | I had begun to post when your last post showed up OP.
(sigh) Now you throw all of that at us, here, i.e. Mother's Day trip, cologne and all of the rest in that post. I think both of you are insecure, especially the girlfriend and not just because of Mother's Day. I suspect this goes on, on and off all year long, i.e. underlying problems.
Next, I don't get it about wishing everyone under the sun HMD and when is the time and order to do it. I'm a mother, I have one child, she wishes me a HMD because I am her mother. My ex-husband, her father, wishes me a HMD but it's not the first thing on his mind when his eyes pop open on Mother's Day, I suspect. He has his OWN mother, whom he wishes a HMD first, because she is his mother. But, he acknowledges me because I'm the mother of his child and to thank me for being HER mother. I have my own mother, I wish her a HMD because she's MY mother. I always thought it kinda strange when my LTR would bring me a card and gift on MD, I'm not his mother, nor the mother of his child. Nice thought though. I think some people would just be better off just wishing their OWN mothers, HMD and honor your own mother.
Do you two argue about this in front of your daughter? | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 3:34:45 PM | | ....Methinks the OP and his live in are a perfect example of how you end up in a lousy relationship when the desire for commitment is absent. He didn't need to say HMD to his live in...any more than he needed to say HMD to the mother of his child..or the mother of his God-child. Sure it's a nice gesture...but unnecessary...you say HMD to your mother. And since he didn't bother to call her (His Mother) till later....maybe his live-in should look at that before getting upset. If she's insecure at all...it's mostly because of the way she's been treated during the whole relationship...and if things don't change...ya might as well call it a day now. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 3:40:40 PM | | I think you were wrong. She was to first "mother" you saw and you could've said Happy Mother's Day, gave her a kiss and then texted those other women! On a special day like this tell her,then mom,then the others! | |
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