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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 7:25:33 PM | Your profile says that you aren't a very tolerant person.....ya think?
But....you're right.
Oh...a new twist....my Mom is dead...I miss her alot....I called my DAD and wished HIM Happy Mother's Day.....he understood completely....he misses Mom too... | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 7:25:44 PM | | I agree... she should have been the first one you wished Happy Mothers day to.... with coffe or breakfast..... I'd be HOTTT!!!! | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 7:25:57 PM | I had rather spend eternity alone than spend it with a man like him.
bcsofnc57, that's probably why you're not. And a world shouldn't revolve around anyone but yourself. You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. If you want to let someone in that world, great...but you shouldn't drop your entire life for someone else. That's selfish and controlling and manipulative. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 7:37:30 PM | Whether she was "right" or not, the end result is that she really spoiled what should be a day of celebration and expression of love and gratitude for a special relationship with a very special person in our lives.
Even if she felt slighted, it's selfish IMO to spoil the happiness of the day. If she were a mature person, she could have expressed it in a way that wouldn't have made him feel bad about something he didn't intentionally do. It had to be about her and the result of that was misery.
My youngest son wasn't able to come go to brunch with his sibs and me. I could have gotten my hankles up and been upset. He called me around 9:00 PM and said he wanted to wish me a Happy Mother's Day and was sorry he couldn't make it. I knew he had things he had to do. I told him that was okay, I understood (he had left a message and said he wouldn't be able to make it) and that I loved him and thanked him for the phone call. I had a wonderful Mother's Day and I'm thankful to have been blessed with 4 wonderful young adults. 
I do believe and still feel even though they're grown that they do look to me and the example I set as to how I react to situations. They know one thing for sure, no matter what I love them and I know they love me.
That and only that is what is REALLY the important thing.
A big Happy Mother's Day to all the Moms here, you are all very special. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 7:40:59 PM | Yes tanzanite99901 yes I realize we live in the age of selfishness and that the theme of the day is do what makes you happy and the hell with everyone else.
I am alone, because I will never settle again for less than what I want and feel I deserve. I am very happy with who I am, but if I am ever lucky enough to find a man that I love and that also loves me, yes his happiness will be more important than my own.
I really only care about finding one person that thinks the way I do, and there are a few billion people on planet earth, so I am not giving up on finding him!!!
I grew up in a home where my parents made each other their whole world. When my father wasn't at work , they were together. They were very happily married until he passed away from cancer. That is a lot of why marriage doesn't work anymore. Each person wants to have their own little world separate from their spouses, and more or less just hook up from time to time. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 7:54:46 PM | I agree with others, she shouldn't care what order you say it in, as long as you say it and well don't take too long to do so.. Maybe she is alittle insecure but she should ask her self if you have done anything to truely make her worry your up too no good... Your daughter and God-daughter happened before your girlfriend and being the kind of guy you are, ya you are obviously going to wish them a Happy Mother's day. Your girlfriend should be happy you said it at all and that you said it in person, while the others just got a text or a call. she should feel special she got it in person and others didn't...
Others have also made a good point. She could be insecure cause of the way you say it and feel they have to compete with an ex. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 8:02:48 PM | | I never said to hell with everyone else. I am sorry, I am NOT going to base my happiness or my stability on someone else. It is NOT their responsibility. It's mine. To me, that's just a way to make sure you have a scapegoat if something goes wrong. I am 30 years old (as of yesterday), never married, no kids. I have been purposed to 2 times. They weren't the right one though. I do plan on getting married someday, and only once. My grandparents were like your parents as well. Just remember, you only saw what they wanted you to see. Just like my grandparents. My grandmother just told me that my grandfather had an affair when my Mom was 2. My Mom just told me that Grandma had an affair when Mom was about 6. They said they were going to divorce as soon as the youngest (my aunt) graduated high school..yet they're always together. Take you rosey glasses off sweetheart. You're only going to hurt yourself in the end. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 8:15:24 PM | It sounds to me she has some lack of maturity, confidence, and self esteem issues. ..Sounds like it is more than just being mad and yelling at you for not telling her that! ...Could you say she is jealous?...now that doesn't make for a healthy realtionship.Oh and BTW, it doesn't matter if you share kids or not...it sounds like that was your reason behind all this....geesh, talk about being elementary!...you just stated that you chose to put the other two ladies in your life first...well, that explains it all!..Doesn't sound like a promising relationship to me... | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 8:37:28 PM | tanzanite99901 if you haven't already, read some of the op's other posts, and perhaps then you will understand why his gf reacted the way she did. This isn't just about mother's day, but a lot of other issues between them.
You are the same age of my second oldest(she will be 30 on June 4th). For me it isn't about responsibility, but rather I can not feel happy if the people that I love the most aren't happy. I am not married now, so the happiness of my children and grandchildren is more important to me than my own. They are happy I am happy. I am ever lucky enough to really be married, then making him happy will make me happy.
I will not change my mind, yes the person you are married to(I know the op and his gf aren't married, but they are living as if they were) should be your number one, and he is putting her at best around number 4.
My parents never cheated on each other. My parents always put each other first.
I have no rosey glasses, I know most men aren't like that but since I only want to find one, I am not worried. He is out there somewhere, and probably as sick of meeting selfish women as I am of meeting selfish men. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 8:49:42 PM | Yes, I believe there are other issues as well with the OP...but in this instance alone I think from what we were told was an insight on her personality. Besides, I believe your kids should be your number 1 if you have them. But that is my opinion.
As for my example on your parents..I wasn't trying to imply that either of your folks cheated, just that there are things that we don't always know.
I do wish you the best of luck though. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 8:50:32 PM | | I wish my mum happy mothers day because IM her child not other people including my step dad thats weird and pathetic all at same time. I dont get some people how strange! | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 11:20:33 PM | Single dad is sending mixed messages to SO about the relationship. She's committed to the relationship and co-parenting kids together so to be slighted this way has hot her pee hot. And Rightly so. Singledad could have honored the mother who is coparenting THEIR children in THEIR household. It would have been the first step in creating a foundation of respect of all members in the household and would have furthered everyone's feeling of security (including SO and the kids).
Both of my children called me today but my partner didn't. He calls his mother. That's his choice, but I can't help feeling I'm 'dating' the same guy. My kids aren't recognized by his family. His family don't exchange presents with my kids. We are most definitely the outsiders "his family" don't exchange presents to my children because "they aren't their relatives. We swallow our manners and overlook the pointed gaffe..
Get a grip everyone. Is it goign to kill you to have two more pleasant people at the dinner table or sitting near the XMAS tree, whatever. Sometimes grownups just have to make the effort, at least for the children's sake. Isn't it better kids feel constantly excluded? Pick up a present and make and effort or you start to look like cheap fools.
Single Dad, Buy a card and flowers. Get the kids to bake her cookies and server her tea. would it kill ya? and stop textign others ....get in touch with each other. It could do wonders for you all. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 11:26:28 PM | I think you should take your ball and leave.......Is that not what most spoiled children do when they do not get their way????........... 
OT.....the fact that she even questions who is texting you should send red flags up for the both of you. You must have other issues if there is a need to check up on your each and every move and activity..........so, your choice......you can pay me now or pay me later............
Just my opinion.........   | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/11/2008 11:42:06 PM | | bcf - are you saying his gf should be #1 in his life?? before his own daughter? wow, i thought most people put their children first before everyone, including themselves. i'm not a parent but i would say a good parent would put their children first and they should be #1, nobody else. i've read plenty of men's profiles where they specifically state that their children are #1 and will come before a woman in their lives. i'm not saying that makes me particularly happy but hey they have a responsibility to those children and they should be their priority. it's only right. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/12/2008 2:31:29 AM | Re the Opost
As some of us have opined, Mother's Day is for calling one's own mother, so the issue could have been avoided had the OP only wished his own mother. Of course the issue is really founded on other, deeper issues, she seems to have in the rel. For example, did the OP wish Have Val's Day to anyone else than his GF? That would have been a reak case to get worked up about. Xmas, Easter and other holidays are "collective", Nameday, Birthday, Mother's Father;s and GF's (Val's) day are a person to person thingy IMO. If the GF feels excluded or not appeciated enough, then what happened was merely symptoms of that real issue. If the OP did wish his ex, etc etc "Happy Val's Day", then that would have been a real issue per se, IMO. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/12/2008 3:19:54 AM | As several others have said, i think the issue is far deeper than the order in which he said HMD to the women in his life. Op your girlfriend is feeling like she is number 3 or 4 in your life in everything, and it sounds to me like she has good reason. Although you have been together for 6 years it sounds like you won't put any importance on her role in your life unless she gives birth to your child.
By now you should be thinking of her as your wife, but you obviously don't. You seem to have a far higher opinion of "the mother of your child" than what you do of your present "de facto" wife of 3 years. She knows you don't think of her as your family and it hurts her like you wouldn't believe.
If after 6 years of togetherness my partner referred to me in the same context as you refer to her I would be seriously thinking of finding a different man who would be my partner in every way, and who would think of me as his partner, not just his "live in date" | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/12/2008 3:42:06 AM | what I find happening here is y'all are getting caught up in semantics. She said this then, he said this later, yada yada yada.
imho, OP is trying to justify his behaviors towards his g.f. But he is put on the defensive by her complaining. What is going on here?
They both are not happy and they are talking over each other rather than saying how they really feel, ie, she is saying, I don't feel like I count in your life, I want/need to know that I'm a priority.
He is saying: this is all I can give you and if it's not enough, too bad, you're not my wife.
Would you stay in this situation? I certainly wouldn't. This is not a good relationship and someone has to get off the pot and be honest.
As an aside, a "good parent" puts their partner first. They work as a team. Why would a man (or woman) want to hang around if he/she is #2, or 3, or 4? | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/12/2008 4:07:57 AM | Good morning all. I've finally had a chance to catch up on the posts. Let me sasy this.
No, I do not and will not put any other woman as the center of my life other than my daughter, mother and grandmother. At this stage in my life I am not married. Yes, in a relationship for 6 years but still not married. It takes a selfish woman to say that she needs to be the center of a man's life. My girlfriend got up this morning saying that she deserves to be treated like a queen. If that's how she feels then she needs to go find her a guy who has no other life than her. I have friends, made connections, life long connections that will follow me through my life and I refuse to push those to the side simply because I now have or have had a gf for the past 6 years. And to the one poster to pretty much agreed with be by saying that the only person I should have said HMD to was my own mom then that would have opened up a new can of worms. Why, because she still would have argued, ****ed and complained. Try saying to a woman "you're not my momma so why should I tell you HMD" I'll bet you get more hell than I'm getting right now. And for those who say I need to make this woman my wife. Yeah, right. If this is how she acts now how do you think it's gonna be if I put a ring on her finger? At one point I did want to marry this woman and when the conversation came up she completely changed. Yes, we have issues. Yes, we have problems and yes, we're trying to work with them but this morning she got up and started up again like she did nothing wrong. All this was my fault, SHE DID NOTHING WRONG AND SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHY I'M GIVING HER THE SILENT TREATMENT. If I'm not talking then we're not arguing. Until she realizes that she started this and not me we're never gonna get over it.
It's not like I didn't say it at all. I did. Maybe not to her first but she heard it within 10 minutes of waking up. Should I have waited on her to get up then start my HMD greetings. What if she decided to sleep in late and not get up until 12 noon. I should have sat at the end of the bed and watched her sleep and pass on everyone else until she decided to wake up. Again, it was within 10 minutes of her waking up that I said it. I always get up before her on Sundays and I just decided to grab my phone and text a few people. BFD! | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/12/2008 4:23:45 AM | Feminine Muse,
You are so right.
OP- your relationship is doomed. You both want different things. Tell her exactly what you have been spouting online. Tell her point blank" you are not my wife, I will not marry you. You will never be a priority to me like my daughter, the mother of my daughter and my mother. If you want a man to make you a priority, you better go and find one because I'm not him" - If she still doesn't leave, then she is crazy. Or what the hell, just break up with her and let her go find a man who might make her a priority or at least think of her and refer to her as a partner, not a live in date for 3 years.
I don't think neither of you are bad or wrong - just bad and wrong for each other. Stop this toxic relationship before it infects everyone, especially the chilren. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/12/2008 4:26:56 AM | NCSD...
You acknowledged you have issues and are trying tow ork them out...well, dude, this is one of them.
The silent treatment? Very immature. Her reaction "I want to be queen of the lands"? Also immature.
You want to hear you are right and she is wrong... It's just not that simple.
Here's the thing. It doesn't matter what we think. What matters is what SHE thinks. You hurt her feelings. Period. No you didn't do it on purpose. No you weren't trying to hurt her. But YOU DID. If you care about her feelings, if you RESPECT her, then you need to apologize, say you were wrong, and make it right.
If you don't care about her feelings nor respect her, then I'd say your "issues" are called "time to break up".
I am speaking from experience. I am in the middle of my separation period for my divorce. We stopped respecting each other years ago and when the respect goes, there's really very little hope left for the relationship. When you stop caring about hurting her feelings b/c you don't value how she feels, then its' over.
you are ****ing about her and I'm not saying you aren't right. Actually, you are both right. All that matters is what she perceives - reality does not matter. She perceives that she is not first in your life....guess what, she's not. You just told us that. She is hurt because she is not first in your life. And that isn't going to change - you told us that too.
So how do you resolve that? You either make her first in your life - or you break up and let her find someone who feels that way about her....and you look for someone who you feel that way about. Otherwise you are just wasting each other's time, making the whole household miserable w/the fighting, and causing unnecessary stress in your lives.
You say "Until she realizes that she started this and not me we're never gonna get over it."
Guess what, you're never gonna get over it...because it's not about HMD at all, it's about you not caring about her feelings. And you can't MAKE yourself care. You don't give a shit about how this is affecting her, do you? You care about defending your position and making sure we all understand what a **** she is. Well, that''s fine. BREAK UP with her if you feel that way!!!!!!! Don't just sit around and complain about her...if the 2 of you can't acknowledge overreacting and apologize for inadvertently causing each other pain, then I'd say the relationship is hopeless.
Here's a question for both of you: In a week, how many "good" days do you have together? How many "bad" days? How many days can go by without a fight, whine, complaint, etc? If the bad days overwhelm the good days, well, there you go. If this fight is a rare event, that's different.
I was amazed when my housemate told me she and her spouse could go 6 weeks without a fight. I dont' think my almost-ex and I ever made it 2 weeks, even as newlyweds. Hmmm....makes ya think, huh? I never knew marriages could be as happy as hers (she's a widow).
Kaylie | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/12/2008 5:00:04 AM | Op, basic questions - Do you love her? Does she love you? If you can never see yourself marrying her, why in the world are you living together? Convenience?
I see you both acting as childish as each other. Silent treatment I have only lived with once and I moved out a month later. It is extremely cruel. Finding fault and complaining all the time is equally cruel.
Your relationship sounds so dysfunctional. I see you each holding onto "I'm right and you're wrong" position so stubbornly. I think you both need serious counselling individually anyway so you don't take these defense mechanisms into future relationshps....and if you honestly realize you do love each other and want to make this work, then counselling together also.
What seems obvious to me is you are both doing the opposite - making it so ugly in your household and towards each other that it will force one of you to call it quits finally.....but until you do that, it seems you are doomed to keep battling with each other, each in your own way.
It is a very unhealthy relationship and I can't imagine you both don't know this.
And you don't have to make it incurable before addressing what's wrong in both of you in your attitudes and behaviors.
It's time you both grew up. Really. It's time for each of you to take responsibility for your unhappiness and stop taking it out on each other. Are you ready?
The path will become apparent if you seriously answer my first questions - do you love her? Does she love you? Do both of you want this relationship to work because you're both doing a great job proving it doesn't and never will at this rate. And if not, then do the right thing and end the suffering and find a way to part without any more faultfinding, blame and justification.
You're seriously both acting like spoiled children who refuse to grow up. But it's time now.....really. It's been time for the last six years I imagine and I can see that was probably the blessing and purpose of this relationship - to allow you both to jump level and work through these most difficult issues in yourselves. What a gift. SO, go for it. Be the wonderful people you each truly are. And whether you can be that with each other will be up to the both of you. Either way, I pray you each let yourselves be the loving souls you each are, whether together, or not. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/12/2008 5:05:30 AM | I agree with Viva Chick on this one.
all you women who think that you can be in a committed relationship without the benefit of marriage, read this guy's previous posts! Marriage is just a piece of paper, right? Means nothing, right? Wow. Just wow. This OP has been "dating" SO for 6 years, and living together for 3. He is puzzled because she "seems to think that they are a blended family" just because of those little details. He thinks his family should not feel any particular tie to her children because, after all, they are "just dating" and they "could break up tomorrow". Of course, they probably won't because this dude has it all his own way...he is quick to point out that 90 per cent of the stuff in the house is HIS, and mentioned about twelve times that they are NOT MARRIED, and NO his state does NOT recognize common law marriage. This discussion was started by the OP because his girlfriend was angry that he did not wish her happy mother's day first, as in before calling baby's mama, and goddaughter's mama. Several posters have indicated that gf has insecurities ----YOU THINK? Why the hell wouldn't she, when the man she has chosen to share her life with feels this way about her, her children, and her status in his family. She has no status. Why? Because she is not his wife...and probably never will be, if his posts are anything to go by. She is just a loving girlfriend. Whether she has issues or not , or is not perfect, is besides the point. OP, you should let her go, and find someone who will commit to her, and maybe not even refer to himself as "single dad" when they have been together for six years and living as a family for three.
That was a good point and well stated. OP, I have participated in those other threads VC refers to and I must say, yet again, you need to get out of this relationship.
I maintain my opinion that you simply do not love this woman as you should. Why wouldn't you acknowledge her on Mother's Day first, as you live with her? Another poster commented that means you woke up and grabbed your cell phone to call your baby mama first. I am not a mother but the thought of the man I loved and shared my life with calling anyone first to say, oh, I dunno...'Merry Christmas' when I am right there in the same house -- no cell needed -- is hurtful. Just the thought of it.
I really wish your SO would find her voice and courage to leave you. You are doing everything to show her -- and us -- that is what you want. Her discomfort with your behavior of late is her conscience telling her it's over. She just doesn't want to realize and hopes for the best. Your action here is just another symptom of what's really wrong in your relationship. She has grown insecure because you fail to show her the love and respect she knows she deserves. IMHO, you can't show her these things because you don't possess those feelings for her.
Like I said before, grow a pair and end the madness. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/12/2008 6:41:32 AM | And the reason I suggested you helping her pack is so she doesn't take some of your things- that happened to me..
OP neither one of you is happy in this place, and who knows why, it doesn't matter the game is over.. sometimes you just have to accept the truth.. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/12/2008 7:05:46 AM | You are a very lucky girl...and your parents were very smart, lucky people....
commitment, devotion, support, teamwork....if the relationship has that, nobody will doubt where they stand, things will happen as they should, and we can all take our balls and go home...... | |
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