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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/12/2008 7:11:36 AM | | she seems very jelouse remember kids come first you better watch her tell her to get off it its not like you didnt say happy mothers day to her not onley that didnt you spend the day with her. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/12/2008 8:01:58 AM | NCSIngledad: Looks like you have a compatibility issue. Your woman needs attention and you basically are unwilling to give her the extent of the attention she needs. Why live life with that drama? I know. Easier said than done. I was there. 8 years.
ANyway, on my way leaving my parents house last night. My younger sister had brought flowers for my brother to give to his baby-mama, apparently she didn't show up because her and my other brother's wife was offended because they were not invited to my youngest brother's girlfriend's b-day party-Saturday. At least the wife of one of the brother's showed up. That is the one we like anyway. :) Sorry, many siblings. My older brother said it was embarassing for him to have to take the flowers to his baby's Mama (my sister's boyfriend put it in his car as directed by my sister). As I got into my sister's car I made a comment that he was so insecure about the dumbest things. Just last week he left me in China town in Chicago at 11AM, when our flight back was not until 6:40PM because he was embarassed that we were lugging around luggage (which supposedly made us look like homeless people-to him) and he left me. Good thing for me. I went back downtown and hung out with friends and he went to the airport and stood standby, but I felt bad and was worried thinking he was going to have to wait at O'hare for 6 hours. What kind of idiotic thing is that? He doesn't get embarassed by the stupid shit that comes out of his mouth but he gets embarassed by bringing flowers to his baby's Mama on MOther's Day. Well, she didn't show up, some spiteful thing I suppose. But, just watching the different relationships out there in my family, there is always going to be drama when there are incompatibility issues.
WHen you negate your partners feelings, regardless how petty, that means you don't care about her needs when you knowingly neglect them. SUre, you have your own way of doing things. Than do it your way, but you obviously are conflicted with it if you have to go on some forumn to **** about it. If you do that to get advice at least listen to another view, another way of seeing things. Unless your here to select a handful of people to agree with you so you can feel good about yourself, and assume you are right for your actions. You may be, but only in your own world. When you share it with someone, sometimes there requires compromise.
After six years, I personally would not care if my bf visited his Mother and I did my own family thing. I wouldn't give something to you as a gift and than take it back and than want to give it back to you. That's stupid. On the other hand, I wouldn't not take a gift that my gf gave me, and because she got stupid somewhere along the way and upset at me (especially if I were the one paying the bills) and took it back and wanted to give it back to me, that I would go off and buy the same colonge to spite her. That's just dumb too. I think I am pretty close to being right that you do this stupid shit on purpose to get a rise from my last entry to this thread. You basically are projecting your resentment for her actions. It's a negative cycle you guys have going. It's actually disgusting and seems like a whole waste of energy that could be directed in like doing something good for a change. It's like you have so much pride that it is counter productive.
Look, your seeking advice and go as much as put this effort to type up all this shit, and you only choose to listen to people that agree with you. A few women on here, and of course your Mom. All Mom's are always right you know (I am being sarcastic).
I'll tell you what a therapists told me and my ex once and hopefully you can save a couple of additional years of drama and more resentment. You guys are TOXIC for eachother. Obviously, you aren't strong enough to shed that "I am a Man" exterior to make things work for the woman. I only hear your side. I don't hear hers. Even with your side alone, you are not totally right in your actions.
And, you probably know that. IF you didn't question it you wouldn't be seeking advice on POF, even create your own thread for your issues. Do you want to be a better person, or do you want to blame your messed up relationship on her because she is communicating how she feels? How she feels is just that. If you can't relate and you don't want to work at it, there is only one other way...it's out. Of course, a good therapist may help.
If you are having these many problems and still there with her I am assuming the trade-off for what she gives you to what you provide is good enough. What? She ****s you and cleans you house, and you pay the bills? That's what it sounds like. If you really wanted more, or for it to be better, would it hurt for you to be a little sensitive to her needs? Seriously, deal with your insecurity or get out if you are that miserable. But, if you ask for advice on a forumn, at least absorb some of it rather than use your selective judgement to believe what you want.
Of course there are going to be people that believe you or side with you...it's your story, one-side but your story and there will be people that agree with you. However, delve a little into why the "other side" thinks the way they do and maybe you might be clear on why she bitches and screams all the time. It's not working. When something doesn't work and you keep doing it over and over it's insanity (I saw this in a movie).
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/12/2008 8:34:43 AM | ............. OP,
Face it you two just don't get along. Just like over 50% of the population. Oh well .... just like most people who end up here looking for the next mr/ms perfect.
Love her or leave her. Why do you and your GIRLFRIEND just keep fighting? No one cares about building a relationship anymore. It is clear that you do not.
If you wanted a relationship with this woman would really be a big deal one way or the other who said Happy mothers day to whom first. RIGHT?
But if you know this woman so well, 6 years, living together for 3 certainly you must have known it would upset her, whether rightfully so or not, for you to call your X and so on before giving your sweetie a kiss and hug.
BUT you chose to dismiss her feelings, and that only means you really don't care.
I am not saying she is right or that you are right. I am only saying if I really loved someone and I knew a particular thing might hurt them or make them feel very unimportant I would think ....
Do I want to show them I care for them, or do I just not give a shiit what they feel. Then do what my HEART tells me to do. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/12/2008 8:42:09 AM | OP,
Based on this and the other threads you've started about this relationship, it's clear that you and your girlfriend aren't really compatible. Why don't you just end it? Because it sounds like way too much drama. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/12/2008 12:17:17 PM | | Was ur girlfriend being petty, sure; is she feeling insecure, definitely; is she wrong, not necessarily. The issue at hand probably isn't the fact that u didn't tell her happy mother's day first, it's most likely a deeper, underlying issue that may or may not have been discussed by u. U mentioned the fact that she texts all day but then freaks when u text someone else. As a female who has been in a commited relationship, but also having my own trust issues, I've dealt with the same thing. I have websites left and right and used to text and call people with abandon, but when my SO did the same thing I immediately became worried and suspicious. It's a bit of a double standard but I expected him to trust me completely but couldn't do the same for him. This was in part because I was worried about my place in his life. While I had made it clear in every way possible that he was the most important thing in my life, I never truly felt that I was number one in his. I constantly felt like an afterthought and that I was taken for granted. Everyone else was put first and I was just expected to be their when he was ready to pay attention to me. Now as his SO, yes, I should be their whenever I'm needed, but at the same time the man needs to make sure that he's letting her know that she is number 1. To this day, the only person who has wished me happy mother's day is my exes mother and i've been a mom for two years now. However, because I'm no longer in a relationship it doesn't hurt like it did then. As his wife I felt that to a certain degree, I should be his first thought upon waking and his last upon falling asleep. Silly maybe, but when ur in a serious relationship it is my opinion that there should be no doubt in eachother's mind about how important u r. This means constant work and reassurance, so if ur not willing to take this seriously and make that effort, u probably have no business getting serious with someone. There's a reason the divorce rate is above 50%, half of the couple wans't willing to work for their love. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/12/2008 12:18:45 PM |
bcf - are you saying his gf should be #1 in his life?? before his own daughter? wow, i thought most people put their children first before everyone, including themselves. i'm not a parent but i would say a good parent would put their children first and they should be #1, nobody else. i've read plenty of men's profiles where they specifically state that their children are #1 and will come before a woman in their lives. i'm not saying that makes me particularly happy but hey they have a responsibility to those children and they should be their priority. it's only right.
They have been living together for a few years, she is more like a wife than a girlfriend. Yes the children's need should come first, but in your heart your husband or wife should be first. She certainly should be more important to him than his x. A husand and wife are meant to be as one. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/12/2008 12:40:01 PM |
You have one female child, that is a child it does appear you have two. One that's just older.
Good God, isn't this the truth?  | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/12/2008 12:45:48 PM | Bottom line: The Poster did not start this thread with the intention of having his past threads thrown in his face........love when people throw past issues in another's face...makes for a lovely day.
Fact: He asked for advice on only ONE thing....about the Mother Day greeting to his gf.
My Advice: She over reacted..........and frankly, why do we need a day for this and a day for that????? Loving people should be an every day thing...we need no special day to love those we cherish.
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/12/2008 1:31:24 PM | After reading pages of this post I wonder if your girlfriend helps take care of your daughter when she is with you? Cooks dinner for everyone, including your daughter? Does laundry for your daughter, takes her shopping, taxi's her anywhere at all, comforts her when she is upset, cares for her when she is injured or does not feel well, buys her favorite snack for when she is with you, picks up a cute gift for your daughter, celebrates your daughter's victories in life? Any of those things?
If she is filling the role of mom at all, which from the sounds of your earlier posts, she might be, then it would have been a wise idea to wish her a Happy Mother's Day before you jumped on the phone texting people.
It's nice that you have a good relationship with your ex-wife. That always makes life easier for the kids. But this woman that you live with (your GIRLFRIEND) deserves a little consideration. And if you knew that she would get upset by you texting your EX-wife and best friend, then you probably should have put your brain in gear before your fingers.
It sounds like your girlfriend's needs are not being met and it sounds like you really have no desire to meet her needs. Maybe it is time to end all the drama and either fix the relationship or end it.
All this drama - is this relationship really worth it?
~tb~ | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/12/2008 2:56:14 PM | OP, yes she probably over-reacted....however, having read your previous threads about this relationship, this woman has reason to feel insecure and doubtful of your love and appreciation for her.
You speak on other threads in glowing terms about your ex.....yet harp about your gf's "failings" and point out constantly that this is NOT a marriage when speaking of the woman you have lived with for the past three years; who, as one other poster pointed out, probably takes care of your own daughter when she is there with you. Your calls to family and friends to discuss her behavior, and seeking validation of your behavior on this thread seems to me to indicate you are more concerned about being "right" than anything else.
If your relationship were a good one, it might not have mattered to her. In other threads you mentioned you have lived with this woman for three years after dating for three and you constantly talk about the fact that you are NOT married and point out your stellar behavior in the face of the missing marriage license.
Yes, the woman is insecure....I don't know her history....but from your threads it appears you have done little to waylay her insecurities in this relationship. Did you not realize she had these insecurities during your three years of dating? Yet you chose to move in together, to bring your respective children into the mix. If you were aware of her insecurities during the dating phase, you must have felt you could overcome them...or were, at the very least, willing to live with them. If that was the case, why were you not more mindful of them? You admitted that when you first saw each other that morning, you didn't bother to wish her HMD. If her insecurities are something you do not wish to accommodate, and are something you can't deal with, then maybe it's time to move on.
Her over-reactions will more than likely continue and probably even escalate....not necessarily because she's the "nut job" you portray her to be in this and other threads....but because you constantly point out on these threads (and I would assume to her) that she has little value to you....that she and her children don't even rate being considered a "blended family" with you and your amazing daughter. She's insecure???? Imagine that!!!
Rose Mary | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/12/2008 3:12:27 PM | | OMG if you was my guy i would of chucked you out of the house!! not being funny but why in gods name is your god daughter calling you daddy bit strange if you ask me! and why should the mother of your child come before your girlfriend of 6 years? even though you don't have kids together but you have 3 between you is that not good enough reason for you to treat your girlfriend and Ex on an equal level? and also why does it matter how long you have known someone for surely it should boil down to how you feel and love that person seems to me you dont even care that your girlfriend was upset over this if you cared anything for her you would understand how she felt and you would of been upset that you hurt her feelings in this way! maybe you either should get back to your Ex or give the best friend a go as it seems you feel a hell of alot more for these people then your current partner . think you need to have a rethink about where your priorities lie. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/12/2008 4:22:45 PM | | Phoenix your answer was brilliant and right on target. It is not just about that one text, it is so much about how she is made to feel from past actions. I concur 100%, and I hope OP that you try and understand, and take this all in constructively. Us Women really aren't all that complicated, you just have to look at the whole picture, and not just what you see in front of you at that moment. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/12/2008 5:38:34 PM | ncsingledad,
Yes you were a jerk for not saying "Happy Mother's Day" to your girlfriend first. I don't care whether you "share" kids with her or not, she is still a mother and she is YOUR partner. I don't see how anyone can sleep in the same bed with someone and not greet them first, but rather go out of their way to greet an ex and a "good friend" first. Doesn't make much sense to me at all, that let her knows how important she is to you, because it's the thought. You thought about your ex and your good friend before you thought about your girlfriend whom you share your life with...very inconsiderate...and I seriously doubt you would have said happy mother's day to her, if your behind hadn't got caught receiving a text message. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/12/2008 6:21:18 PM | OP I agree with you that she over-reacted. She is not your mother or the mother of your child. Period. She's picking fights because she feels threatened about your feelings toward your ex AND your willingness to tell your Mother about her bad behavior. Your first loyalty is toward them; your family.
Her feelings were hurt and she's feeling neglected? You two fight about silly things? Why are you together? It doesn't seem worth the drama.
You state clearly that you aren't willing to marry her, based on her petty behavior. Then be a man and set her free, so she can find someone who is willing.
Best wishes with your family, I think you're right to stand by them. The reason you're not standing by her, is obvious and it seems clear to me that you are set on different paths already. The reason? She isn't your family, and never will be.
Take care ~ | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/12/2008 9:38:30 PM | "because I chose to put them first over someone I'm dating and living with i'm wrong."
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Of course you are completely wrong!!!!! You chose to ignore your "live in" partner when you woke up and ran off to text your ex and friend first. It was done with malice intentions and nothing you could say would make me believe otherwise. Get the word "dating " out of your vocabulary. You stopped dating the minute you shacked up with her. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?i think that crazy
Posted: 5/12/2008 10:05:56 PM | yeah i feel that kinda crazy! but it all depends on the realation ship u 2 have? my child father called me first{we are not together no more} and he also has a child with another with some other girl {they arent together either} and i dont belive he even called her to wish her that! so i guess it all depends on the feeling you have for the ex and your current girl! me myself i dont know how i would feel but you have no kids together! then i see why she mad or jealous! cuz you dont have that bound 2 gether! by the way did her child father call her? she just might be mad cuz he not as caring as you lol! i aslo have guy friends with kids who wished me a Happy mommys day first!and never wished there children mother at all that! if she cant get over it thats just nuts and cuz she jealous! | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/12/2008 10:55:51 PM |
OMG...all you women who think that you can be in a committed relationship without the benefit of marriage, read this guy's previous posts! Marriage is just a piece of paper, right? Means nothing, right? Wow. Just wow. This OP has been "dating" SO for 6 years, and living together for 3. He is puzzled because she "seems to think that they are a blended family" just because of those little details. He thinks his family should not feel any particular tie to her children because, after all, they are "just dating" and they "could break up tomorrow". Of course, they probably won't because this dude has it all his own way...he is quick to point out that 90 per cent of the stuff in the house is HIS, and mentioned about twelve times that they are NOT MARRIED, and NO his state does NOT recognize common law marriage. This discussion was started by the OP because his girlfriend was angry that he did not wish her happy mother's day first, as in before calling baby's mama, and goddaughter's mama. Several posters have indicated that gf has insecurities ----YOU THINK? Why the hell wouldn't she, when the man she has chosen to share her life with feels this way about her, her children, and her status in his family. She has no status. Why? Because she is not his wife...and probably never will be, if his posts are anything to go by. She is just a loving girlfriend. Whether she has issues or not , or is not perfect, is besides the point. OP, you should let her go, and find someone who will commit to her, and maybe not even refer to himself as "single dad" when they have been together for six years and living as a family for three.
I couldnt agree with you more!!
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/13/2008 9:12:08 AM | It seems to me that there is one common thread in your posts. You want validation for your actions. When you pose your questions I think you know what the answer is, you just choose to go the road of denial. The bottom line is that you two are not a good fit. It doesn't make you a bad person or her a bad person, just that you bring out the worst in eachother and thats not a good foundation to start out with.
When a relationship progresses to the point of violence (and I absolutely agree that a woman can commit domestic abuse), then I think its time to call it quits and move on. I understand that the children were not present, however, if this becomes routine then in time its not going to matter if they are there or not. Then your going to be dealing with some psychologically hurt children in the future. Granted, your not really thinking past today about what your relationship will be with this woman. I think thats because you know that there is no future with her. If you were truly in love with her then I don't think any of this would be an issue. The questions you have would be simple to answer because you would answer them in a heartbeat.
Just on a side note: I was living with a guy (long story there) for 6 months and told him I didn't think I wanted to re-marry in the future. He was really upset about the fact that we had been together for 2 yrs and that I didn't really love him if I didn't want to marry him. At first I thought he was being ridiculous, however, after thinking about it and talking to my sister and brother and mother at lunch one day, I realized that they were right. In unison they all said "you don't love him, if you did there would be no question in your mind".......they were absolutely right. Life is too short and you have to project yourself into the future and ask yourself "do I want to be waking up beside this person for the next 20, 30 or more years?"
A single friend of mine said recently that she wasn't going to settle for anything that wasn't "great", she is absolutely right.
Oh yes and the guy that I was with had 3 kids and I have 2, so we "blended" every second weekend.
I wish you luck | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/13/2008 11:11:30 AM | | It's about effort and making her feel special/important. I would venture to say she feels neglected and she choose to fight about a topic rather than the reason. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/13/2008 1:47:53 PM | MY question for you: Is she your Mother?
If not, you don't "owe" her any greeting along those lines. She is acting crazy-ish. She must express her hurt by anger, but you just tell her that PoF thinks she's overreacting. I'm sure that will make her feel better. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/13/2008 2:59:25 PM | LOL; Women aren't complicated? She didn't over react? Wow! is the Hilary Clinton fan club the only ones posting? Good grief. And Phoenix you are about as far off as Jessica Simpson at a spelling bee.
My friend; run; dont walk; run and get out of this relationship.
According to the anti male fan club in this post, I was wrong in wishing my cousin and her friend a Happy Mothers day, before I wished my mom Happy Mothers day. I should have covered my mouth knocked the two of them down running to the back yard and said, "happy mothers day mom". I love you the most so I had to say it first to you.
I'm shocked my mom didn't lose it or freak out. I mean how can I say it to a friend first before my mom. OMG I'm going to write her an apology letter write now. LOL
The only thing I get on you for is being a wimp. This girl is a jealous psycho and then you complain about it? There is no way you should live with someone in my book anyway, and this is not going anywhere fast.
I also love the female posters that if the sexes were turned around they would have ripped on the guy for being possessive and overbearing and way too sensitive. Some of you side with women just because you are a woman and I think some are pathetic and I dont read what they write sometimes; It borderlines on mindless; I see it in your posts. Its ridiculous to blindly back your own sex.
This is the first time I've ever let friends see some of the POF responses and my female friends all say the same thing; insecure high maintenance woman freaking out. I agree totally. Its a simple holiday, not a forum for a drama queen to freak out.
IMHO leave this madness or get used to it and stop complaining about it. Good luck. | |
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| Was I wrong for not telling her first?
Posted: 5/13/2008 3:24:29 PM | This is the first time I've ever let friends see some of the POF responses and my female friends all say the same thing; insecure high maintenance woman freaking out. I agree totally. Its a simple holiday, not a forum for a drama queen to freak out.
Did you also show them all the 0ther threads buddy here has posted about her. I think there is a ton more going on and since we are only getting one side of the coin in all his threads there is no way of knowing why she gets so upset about the little things.
My guess is she blows little things out of proportion is becasue after 6 years together she has no idea where she really fits into his life. Did she over react on this one issue, ya I think so. Hell my son has still not called me to wish me a HMD. When he does I will have fun with it but am I mad no I am not. To her is was just another proof positive of her not being a priority in his life.
Read all his whinny a$$ threads about her and maybe you too will be enlightened.
To the OP: Leave her, let her find a man who puts her somewhere in the top of his "todo" list. You are a self centred, self asorbed little man and you should not be with someone tell you learn how to be a real man. From all the threads you start about this woman you have no respect for her nor her sons. you have said you love them and would give the shirt off your back for them, so why are they part of your insurance?????
So if you die what happens to the realationship she has with your daughter? She put you on her insurance with her boys, out of OMG RESPECT for YOU. What happens to the relationship her sons have formed with you, if she were to die since you do not consider them family?? Do you dump them on her Mom and walk away?? | |
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