Was I wrong for not telling her first? Free Dating, Singles and Personals

Was I wrong for not telling her first? Posted: 5/25/2008 11:06:26 AM
OP, I'm going to just stay away from the deeper issues of why your girlfriend may have overreacted (any time there's yelling involved, on either side, I'd consider that an over/inappropriate reaction -- just as your "silent treatment" is over/inappropriate reaction as well; neither yelling nor ignoring will solve any communication issue.) Other posters have contributed both exposition of the traits and behaviors necessary to sustain a fulfilling relationship, as well as thoughtful analysis on all the ins and outs of the probable dysfunctions in your relationship with your, er... cough girlfriend. Silken, funnygirl, loislane... everyone's perspective has brought yet more insight that you can draw from if you're really in the forums to find some advice (rather than simple validation). If you're serious about saving the relationship, I'd suggest you print out all your threads and the responses given -- the ENTIRE text of the threads -- and sit down with your S.O. and read them aloud to her. Yes, you'll probably break up or get another punch in the face after you do that... but one of those is probably an inevitable outcome of spending more time in this relationship, so just something to think about there. So, instead of further analysis of whether you're right or wrong in your OP question re mother's day, I'm going to offer you this: Put on your really rational hat here, and look at your situation from a different perspective. You've been with your S.O. for 6 years. That's roughly the length of many marriage at the time of failure. So, why not call it a day? You're due. She's due. It appears from your posts (JUST in this thread, not even considering your other threads about this S.O and your relationship with her) that you know you don't want to move the relationship forward. You're in a holding pattern, with a roommate with whom you are also physically intimate (i'm assuming, so forgive me if that's NOT the case). Many people find themselves at that place near the end of their marriages. Don't feel bad about it -- happens to the best of us. You're normal. Just recognize the reality here and GET A DIVORCE. Here's where comes the good news. You're NOT MARRIED. So, getting this divorce will be really really easy, on many levels. And, you have the added benefit that, later, you can spin this, reinvent yourself, and also feel really really good about yourself that you did not marry this lady. ("See how wise I was in my life -- I knew better than to commit to a woman who would do xyz to me, or treat me like abc." Practice that right now -- I promise you will feel better about the decision to divorce her. Oh, and it gets even better. You two don't SHARE ANY CHILDREN. So, there won't be any custody issues after the divorce. See, new perspective. I'd say you're at a perfect place to divorce her. And, you have a bright future ahead. After all, it appears that you get on well with a few of your ex's and even have developed very deep and meaningful relationships with them, (post romantic relationship). So, after you guys have left all the drama of this romantic entanglement behind you, you can be great friends, concentrate on all the positive aspects of your experience with each other. As an added benefit, her kids can call you "daddy" (I'm thinking they probably do this now, but hey I could be wrong), just like your goddaughter. Because, clearly, you are like a father to them, and you'll remain so after the divorce, of course. Because you're a guy who values long-time connections and won't cut people out of your life or drop them just because you get a new girlfriend in the future, (who would, of course, have to understand that you do indeed value her, even though you still maintain close friendships with several of your ex's and refuse to put in place boundaries to those friendships which would show her unequivocally that she comes first in your life). Obviously some of that is tongue and cheek... But, if you're still reading, or you skimmed to the end, this is certainly NOT said tongue in cheek: There is no excuse -- ever, ever, ever -- for physical abuse of any kind. You stated in a previous post/thread that your S.O. had hit you in the mouth/jaw/face. If that is true, get out now. The violence will only escalate over time, and is RARELY a one-time occurrence. Many men feel that they should be able to "handle" it, and that since it's a woman doing the hitting, it's not going to be taken seriously by the police, etc. Many men are ashamed to admit that they are in abusive relationships. If you hear nothing else that any of the other posters have said in this thread -- some of it VERY VERY GOOD advice that you'd normally have to pay hundreds of dollars to hear/discover -- pay attention to this: LEAVE this woman. Provide an example for your daughter of what an adult does to solve problems -- take some positive action. Seek counseling from a caring, talented therapist where you can discover why you put up with this woman's behavior and do not want to marry her, but still live with her in domestic relationship. She should also seek counseling, to understand why she's putting up with being an afterthought, but her actions are beyond your control so don't stress about that. Please take some action today to ensure that your child is not exposed to violence in her home, or violence to her person.

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