| what to do when Girl talks about other guys shes seeing
Posted: 5/12/2008 11:47:25 AM | OP
Your words may be confident but your actions are the total opposite. Confidence comes with being aware of the non verbal cues given off by people and being able to see from another perspective what is really going on in the moment. Confidence comes with being assertive and going for thing based on these cues and perspectives. Confidence is taking the lead and showing you are in control of your own space.
If you keep on taking the back seat, not paying attention and just letting things happen without any input from you then you will continue to be thrown in the friends zone as you are beginning to do now with this woman.
Now in your situation, if she is saying "FYI I am dating other guys, I just wanted to let you know out of respect" is much different than "oh I went on a date with a guy last week and what a joke, he was such a...blah blah blah" or "oh I went on a date with this guy last week and he might have some potential and blah blah blah" The last two clearly state friends zone while the first is more informational and out of respect like other posters have said.
The bottom line is you put yourself in the friends zone. You need to change how you are acting to be more confident and assertive or you will continue to be thrown in the friends zone. | |
|
| what to do when Girl talks about other guys shes seeing
Posted: 5/12/2008 4:05:28 PM | OP, unless you are comfortable with the possibility that she may never develop romantic feelings for you, along with the prospect of simply being the convenient option instead of the priority, my suggestion to you is to move on. Look for someone who is looking for a relationship, not a temporary "fix."
The lady you mention in your OP is clearly not interested in being in an exclusive relationship. Move on and find someone who is, or stay and be left in the friend zone.
Your choice.
Save your kisses for someone special. | |
|
| what to do when Girl talks about other guys shes seeing
Posted: 5/12/2008 4:13:31 PM | For Nick's sake, I wish we had more input from the female 20-somethings. It's been quite a while since I dated in that league, and things have changed somewhat. I still have a lot of professional and social contact with some members of that age group, but the personal life details just aren't as detailed as they used to be. Still, I think I have some valuable insights that haven't been brought up, yet.
First and foremost, Nick, relax. You said that this is your first girlfriend. So realize that you're going through learning and growing experiences now that some of your classmates did in junior high, others in high school, and others in college: figuring out when to hold her hand, put an arm around her shoulders -- or her waist, and when to go for the kiss. They were learning how to relate to the opposite sex, while you've been studying other things, and still are, as I see you listed your profession as student. So just accept your feelings of awkwardness and uncertainty about how to handle the situation, trust your gut reactions, but don't forget to keep your senses sharp and alert for feedback (her reactions) that will help you adjust course along this particular part of your life's journey.
As much as you're probably hoping that this could be your first, last, and forever girlfriend and future wife, try to keep yourself grounded and your expectations realistic. (Even though you didn't say so, if you're a pretty normal guy -- and from your profile and postings, you seem pretty normal -- those thoughts are in the back of your mind.) I know it's hard to hear, and even harder to accept, but you probably have several more women to be girlfriends before you figure out exactly what you want and what you won't accept in a woman with whom you choose to spend your time. I'm sure you've seen that thing that circulates through the e-mail chains every so often about people coming into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime, and the trick is to figure out which, and then the specific life-purpose for the relationship. In my own experiences, sometimes those purposes didn't become clear until long after the relationship had passed, so don't necessarily expect to understand it all right away. (OK, maybe I was also a little more dense than some of my peers, too.) Just have fun, and stay receptive to the lessons that you're supposed to learn in the process.
It seems like good advice from the previous respondents to talk with her about your feelings, including the little jealousy, and your exact situation, especially the part about your inexperience. As I'm sure that you've heard before, it's all in the delivery. The women can probably advise you better than I on this, but I've heard that women find it especially sexy when a man is confident enough to openly express a vulnerability -- not in a needy way, but in a "this is who I am, take me or leave me" way, and even moreso when he brings up the conversation about the "R" word. (relationship)
As several have mentioned, it would be good to know the context in which she mentions other guys, and the kind of content. Yeah, if she is asking you for advice about them, that is a danger sign that you're on the slippery slide into the friend zone, if not already there, and you hafta' pick your moment to either change course dramatically, or lock-in the autopilot and resign yourself to being "just friends" with her. You'll just hafta' read her body language, judge the words, volume, tone of voice, pacing, and at the right moment, choose your own words carefully and deliberately. Interjecting a little playfulness or c*cky humor at this point could help get the message across without frightening her that you're getting too serious too soon. (You might wanna' wait and see what some of the women say about this before you actually do it, or even discuss it with some of those women whom you mentioned who have already put you into the friend zone.)
And if you don't get it exactly right, just own up to the fact that you're feeling frustrated, and were just trying to express your feelings in the best way you could, and ask her to forgive you for being new to this. I once did something really stupid in a relationship, (ok, ONE of the times that I did something really stupid,) and as I was trying to figure out how to beg and grovel for forgiveness, I found a perfect card. On the cover was a picture of a cupid with an empty quiver, the bow looking like it had just been shot, and his hand up in front of his mouth which was open in an "Oh," and underneath it said "Please be patient with me..." Inside was a heart-shaped harp with an arrow entangled in the strings, and the caption read "I've never been in love like this before and my heart is still taking lessons."
On the other hand, if she is just casually mentioning the other men in the context of where she went... well, I still hafta' wonder why she is mentioning them. I can't think of any woman I ever dated who had to name names or even specify that it was another man with whom she went, unless she were trying to make me feel jealous or insecure, or was so insecure herself that she had to prove that she was popular and desirable by dropping names. Most were tactful enough, and I was astute enough, that if the companion wasn't specified, I knew it was a man, and she was just being tactful by not calling attention to it. (One in particular whom I remember, would tell me not Saturday, she and her sister were gonna'... No, she couldn't on Sunday, she already had plans. How about Friday?) As the relationships developed, there were times to talk about ex'es, and other prospects who lost out to me, but not in the early stages.
The hardest part of all this is gonna' be to remember that whatever you say, whatever you tell her that you want, she has the veto-pen. Prepare yourself mentally to be able to hear her telling you that she has already put you into the friend zone, and isn't letting you out. Plan how you will react, what you will say, even the expression on your face. (Yeah, I know some people will call this gamesmanship, and probably flame me for it. I'm not advocating that you play a role that isn't natural for you. You also don't want to get surprised and have her shatter your self-confidence and leave you wondering how to respond. Personally, I plan for the best, prepare for the worst, and figure that the reality will be somewhere about in the middle.)
If she has already put you into the friend zone, there is still a bright side. You can now ask her advice about how to recognize the signs when a woman is receptive to your interest in her, how you should express it, how to tell when she is ready to hold hands not sure yet, or definitely not. All women are different, so you'll hafta' learn to judge for yourself, so also ask those same kinda' questions of the other women that you mentioned have relegated you to the friend zone -- presuming that you still have contact with them. Don't just talk about the signs and signals, though, get them to show you.
You might also want to go by the library, or one of those huge bookstores with the coffee shop inside where you can read the book and then put it back on the shelf, and read some books on dating and body language, and if you have time, relationships in general. I won't recommend any specific author or title, and I suggest the library or a store like a library because I haven't yet found any in particular that I would recommend that anyone spend their money to actually buy. Read several different authors, and then ask friends what they think of some of the info. Just remember, the only way to really learn dating skills is to get out there and practice them.
Good luck, Nick, and don't be a stranger. A lot of people have spent some time writing you some excellent advice throughout this thread, and I'm sure they'd all like to hear how it turns out. | |
|
| what to do when Girl talks about other guys shes seeing
Posted: 5/12/2008 4:37:58 PM | If I brought up this subject, it would be because I'm seeing if the guy I'm speaking to would like to be exclusive. If he seems to care, then the subject can be put on the table. If he looks off in the distance and doesn't seem to give two hoots, I figure he doesn't care at all and I continue to date the others.
But with your severe lack of kissage, I'd say she's just writing you off under the pretense of 'being honest'. | |
|
| what to do when Girl talks about other guys shes seeing
Posted: 5/12/2008 6:03:04 PM | Could be two things:
- she's full of it and just saying that to gauge your interest level (by instigating jealousy)
- she's telling you the truth just so you know where you stand
I'd lean more towards the former than the latter.
I suggest you have a sit-down with her and both of you discuss what you really want in a relationship... come up with a plan and stick to it, instead of playing tiresome games. | |
|
| what to do when Girl talks about other guys shes seeing
Posted: 5/12/2008 6:58:06 PM | If she is talking about other guys when she is with you she is just not respecting you!In fact,she is probably considering you a whimp in her mind that she can get away with insulting your masculinity,and YOU as a person.I would not care if she were drop dead georgious,I would not let her get away with that,I'd tell her exactly how I felt about it and tell her if she continues you just will not see her anymore.Period.Let her talk to her Gfs about the guys she sees,but with you,it's just not appropriate,OR nice.It's insulting to a man's manhood and dignity! | |
|
| what to do when Girl talks about other guys shes seeing
Posted: 5/12/2008 7:01:53 PM |
I've always played it off cool, showing her that I don't really care. but to be honest, I'm a little jealous.
Then you are lying to her. If she's seeing other guys, and you aren't ok with it, then you need to leave the situation and find someone else who ISN'T seeing other guys. And I wouldn't blame you for doing that. I wouldn't be ok with it, either, even though other guys might be. | |
|
| what to do when Girl talks about other guys shes seeing
Posted: 5/12/2008 7:10:28 PM |
If I brought up this subject, it would be because I'm seeing if the guy I'm speaking to would like to be exclusive. If he seems to care, then the subject can be put on the table. If he looks off in the distance and doesn't seem to give two hoots, I figure he doesn't care at all and I continue to date the others.
When a date did that to me I thought it was very rude and annoying,if you want to know his feelings you should ask him instead of playing games.Talking about people you are dating or have dated should be on a need to know basis.
Judging from other posters it seems the majority feel the same way. | |
|
| what to do when Girl talks about other guys shes seeing
Posted: 5/12/2008 9:50:49 PM | Well 3 main options I think this might be. One she is trying to drop the hint that she is not interested and you need to just throw in the towel. Two she is trying to drop the hint that you better get a move on or she is going to move on. Or three she is attempting to put you in the friend category.
Best thing you can do is take your own advice and just go for the kiss. The real take it to the next level type kiss. I think someone posted something about it on here. Just remember there is no reason to be nervous. The worst that can happen is she isn't interested. It isn't the end of the world. So she isn't interested still plenty of fish out there. | |
|
| what to do when Girl talks about other guys shes seeing
Posted: 5/12/2008 10:38:52 PM | Really, I did the same thing, so I know why she mention about some guys for you. If she said about what she didnt like in a guy, then she is telling you the truth and hope that you would not do the same. If she said about something she liked, it means she hope you can be or do the same( even better).
That's all | |
|
| what to do when Girl talks about other guys shes seeing
Posted: 5/13/2008 7:50:18 PM | She talks about dating other guys with you. That means there's no romantic potential, and she decided that one a long time ago. She's more than happy to have you leech off of you and generally play you for the fool, though. Apparently she's into the sucking out your money / crying on your shoulder when the other men dump her routine. Dump her like the evil hussy she is!
And hey, don't worry about the "friends zone" thing. 95% of men end up there because women chase only the top 5% of men. Go and listen to some soothing doom metal or find something you enjoy rather than torturing yourself over this chick. | |
|
DrNick
|
Joined: 11/30/2003
Msg: 37 | |
| what to do when Girl talks about other guys shes seeing
Posted: 5/20/2008 1:18:35 AM | update:
so, I haven't talked to her for a while, today I figured I'd send her a text asking her what she was up to and if she wanted to get a drink. I was expecting her to be busy (because she usually is) to my suprise, she responded asking what time. we met up, and I went in thinking this is my last change, I did my best to "kick it up a notch". I wasn't more funny than I usually am, but had her laughing a lot, some playful toughing on her shoulder, arm, and a light touches on her face. we had a few drinks (like 3 or 4, nothing crazy). and then the bar was closing, we walked out to our cars, I figured the night was over, but she made a mention about her wanting to drive around and listen to a CD, but she drank too much, I offered to drive (I wasn't drunk)
Well, no our way out of there, she mentioned something about going to the beach, so I started to drive there, at one point we hit a traffic light, I looked at her, she looked at me, and we kissed. We then went to the beach and proceeded to make out for a bit before heading back home. It was a pretty great night that I never expected to happen! I'm sure glad I sent that text message!
not sure how much of an "omen" this is, but we watched Jon Lester throw a no hitter in the Sox game, and then made out under a full moon at the beach, thats about as epic as it gets for me, lol.
guess I wasn't in the "friend zone" after all :-) | |
|
| what to do when Girl talks about other guys shes seeing
Posted: 5/20/2008 2:06:47 AM |
She has you in the friend zone bro and once in there is no getting out.....
I'm with Dave here on this, three dates and you haven't even kissed? No chemistry at all I'm guessing and you are cast into the abyss that is.... THE FRIEND ZONE!!!
do do do do, do do do do..... | |
|
| what to do when Girl talks about other guys shes seeing
Posted: 5/20/2008 4:00:18 AM | When who you are with starts talking about someone else they used to know:
If it is frequently, this is a bad sign. Usually, it means "We don't have a future, so I am going to repel you with stories about other guys I was with".
Keep in mind that when we meet someone we really don't think has a future, we may talk about past relationships a lot. This is a mild attempt to turn someone off.
 | |
|
| |
|
Home
login 
