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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 12:12:23 AM | OPie, not leaving has basically told your kids that what you have is the way to go. You might yet save the youngest, and I'd say you need to look seriously at that. Money does not a happy person make.
Good luck, sweetie.
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 12:20:02 AM | | Hey, thanks everybody who had something constructive to say, or helped me to look at stuff from a different angle. I am exhausted and going to bed, to maintain my bombness in the remaining 6 hours of sleep. Stay black. Peace. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 12:51:22 AM | I understand what you are going threw in a way ... we have some things in commin like we are both living with someone that we used to be with for years and we both feel like we have been cheeted ... I will probly be slamed for this post but I disagree with other posts that were made ... I dont belive that its all matter of choices we make ... Its a persons ability to handle things , knowing and/or having the means to make good decisions ... I may not know what exactly you have been threw but I KNOW that in my case I was molested and raped and verbaly abused for years ... I am NOT any worse or less of a human being than any other person because they had the strength and ability to move on ... YOU are NOT any worse than them either ... The hardest most deficult thing to do is move on ... The guy I live with right now (we sleep in seprate rooms) is the guy who verbaly abused me for 17 yrs and it may sound crazy but I love him because of years and because he is a human being but Im NOT in love with him ... Should he or I find someone else then its is over and he is gone ... I will be sad but I KNOW I will have to go on and prey he moves on too ... You need to know that if you are so sad and unhappy like me then you need to move on and set him free ... Just try to do it without hurting him or yourself has much has you can ... That is what I will do ... I wish you the best  | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 2:13:28 AM | My previous post still stays the same.
OP......when you pull yourself up by your bootstraps and do some consciencious choices that are the good for everyone around you, then I would have more sympathy. Right now, you are wallowing and being extremely hot-headed about any criticism. Which shows your true colours inside the marriage. Maybe your poor husband has been driven to drink by you? He cannot talk to you?
Judgemental??? This woman is married and has made up her mind that what she is doing is right. It is not.
The story is the same. A married woman on here looking for a man. But she will stay in the marriage for money.
Lets hear from men who have had their wife leave them for someone on the internet.
OP...questions.
What do you work outside of the home at?
If your husband was such a loser (drinking etc.) how does he manage to keep you so happy financially that you won't leave him? | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 2:28:06 AM | Phoenix...
I was an honourable enough person who went and got marriage counselling for myself and my husband. My ex had alcohol abuse and depression. (Both go hand in hand.) I went to ALANON for family members living with an alcoholic to see what I could do.
I had to make some tough decisions, but they were for myself and my kids. My kids meant everything to me and their mental health meant everything to me.
I left a husband who made over $100, 000 a year and made it on my own.
I did all of this before I went and looked for a possible Mr. Right. It was only fair to my kids, the possible man in my life and myself.
So..I have been there and done it. I can be judgemental about a person like OP who whines that her kids have no respect for her and blames her husband for it.
A counsellor or psychologist will inform her that kids will respect the parent who deserves the respect. Own it, madam!!! | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 6:59:02 AM | | Wallflower, I do not think anyone is dismissing your advise, nor minimizing it. The OP is in pain, just as you were, she is gathering information, and yes , maybe even complaining or lamenting her situation. That's what these boards are for. I agree that in most cases either counseling or straight to divorce would be ideal. But since we are all different, make our own mistakes and victories it is after all her choice. Your experinences do indeed mirror hers and you are to be admired for your spirit and determination. The OP may not have the inner resources to do the same. I would NOT encourage her to seek a man, others have done it. Still POF allows married people to seek contact with others. She and she alone will have to make this decision and live with whatever good or bad comes from it. Just a thought, Bob | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 7:26:05 AM |
I said i was a Christian, I never said i was a good Christian.
OP, you are grasping at straws. Although I am no longer I Christian, I was raised in the Baptist faith and attended church for years. To say that you are Christian, then have it pointed out that you are on a DATING site, then reply, "I never said I was a good Christian" is pure hypocrisy. Why even bother telling us that you are Christian?
I didn't considered a divorce before, being a christian
So, is adultery less of sin than a divorce?
i hate insincerity or manipulativeness.
You are on a dating site wondering if you should tell men that you are divorced; you are on a dating site without your husband knowing; you are staying in a marriage but looking elsewhere. More hypocrisy.
but at the age of 39 i feel cheated out of half of my life
You have chosen to stay where you are--NO ONE has cheated you. You are where you are because of the choices you made and the choices you continue to make.
having finally established some financial stability, loose it now for something unknown.
I assume that the producer of this financial security is not you, or you would leave. If it is your husband's income, how has he managed to provide this in light of his alcoholism and depression?
As far as staying in your marriage, you are remaining because you are still getting something from it. You might be lonely, but the loneliness is not greater than your fear of leaving. You are asking a question in a forum because you, like so many other people who post about their personal lives, want approbation and validation for what you are doing.
Judgment? I have been where you are--you either leave or wallow in your angst and ennui in silence; strangers cannot answer your questions for you nor can they help make your decisions, and if you keep talking about it, your husband might find out and make a decision for you.
I left; I suggest you grow some ovaries and do the same. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 7:26:27 AM | First things first!
Get off this site!! Do it now! Nothing good can come of it.
Secondly, if your not working go out and get a job. Not just any job but something you enjoy. If that requires going back to school than do that.
Then start doing things that make you happy. Happinness does not come from finding Mr. or Mrs. Right. It comes from within. Until you find that internal happinness you will never be happy. It's not your husband's or any one else's job or duty to make you happy.
It's your's
Good Luck! | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 7:39:21 AM | Bob...
That is what these forums are...to voice our opinions.
But, it also can get hot for some that put their own needs first.
I feel there is more to the story than what she lets on.
Does she have any skills that make her employable? Most women in her situation who are employed do take action. She doesn't seem to want to take action...except to get mad.
I am more concerned for her children in reality. She has a young daughter at a crucial age. Strange men with a bent towards pubescent girls take advantage of lonely married women. Her boys??? On the brink of adulthood spending their time on drugs??
And you are telling me it's ok for her to do this because she is in pain???
About married people on here? There are a great many threads on here about married people seeking partners on here. Most are not nice. There is a reason for that.
Whether she is on here or walking into a bar, a married woman on the prowl is not attractive....except to ...well...(I could get offensive). | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 7:39:55 AM | Hey OP,
Who cares what anyone here says. Actually you are just another statistic and another post. One thing on POF it is seldom you will find a poster who said awww I am alone because my partner was great but I was an azzhole. It's always someone else's fault, never the poster.
Everyone is/has splitting, cheating or divorcing, is divorced .... who cares. Do what you want. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 7:59:39 AM | OP.. I can relate to what your going through and I sympathize with you.
Mine was back when there was no such thing as help out there like there is today.
Divorce was a dirty word.
I just think the internet is not the place to air your dirty laundry, That is why I suggested your Minister or a close friend.
You will get good feed back here and not so good.
My self my divorce is in the past and that's where I want it to stay. later when you do feel the need to come on here looking for your Mr Right or what ever it be you may regret coming on here for advise.
I can see you need someone to talk to and this is a great place for somethings.
My advice is to try and move on, never stay in a marrige for the children because they know exactly what is going on in a case like yours and you are hurting them worse by doing it.
If you need to talk send me an e-mail.
I am not here to judge anyone, just my 2c worth.
Angel | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 8:05:47 AM | Well, I feel as if I am reading my life story all over again. BUT...one thing I did differently. I left...after 20 yrs of marriage, alcohol and physical abuse. At 40 yrs old it was a hard choice, but it was either me saving what little I had left of myself or sinking deeper into a loveless, lifeless marriage. I did try to go to counseling , trying to change things, make them better for my two kids. It didnt work, his ego was beyond couseling, and too chovanistic to feel he had a problem.
Yes it was scary, but it was the best thing I had ever done, my children were glad to not see all the tension, and fighting and abuse. Most of all, they got their Mom back, living and loving life as it should be.
Fortunately for me, I met a wonderful man , and we got married. Losing him to cancer was hard after only being married for 4 yrs, but I'd trade those 20 for the 4 I had anyday...
Single again, and still hopeful ..living life each day as if it were my last..its quite a difference...
My advise to you...is get out of your rut and start living again, dont be afraid of whats to come, things always work themselves out. Find a good support group ...and
start living again, before you die wondering ...what if...???
Deb | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 8:14:57 AM | Where is the love, y'all? Pain is pain, no matter what the cause. It IS scary to launch yourself into a new life. After my divorce, when my son was acting out in his teen years w/ alcohol & drugs(most kids try it) and being all rebellious to me, even w/out the "man"figure in the house, I called in every resource to help me keep him safe. Starting w/ teachers, counsellors, principals, Pastors, mentors, and then cops & Marines(Devil Pup Camp). I made it, and am successful at the $$$ and my son is clean, has a good job and we have a great communicative relationship. I did EVERYTHING out of love, even the tough love. That says alot.
The point is, you CAN have financial dependance w/out a man and raise your kids rite. Start squirreling away money, or start a cottage business, while you have some assets, then you can safely feel free to ditch the lame alkie. Draw the boundaries well within the actual line, and the kids will respect that. Don't let drugs into the house. And snoop into all their drawers & computer. Don't even give the illusion of privacy. WE don't get any, why should the kids? And get used to being with yourself, don't let hormones rule, and you'll cherish your time w/out a man up your arse. Keep being a Christian, none of us are shining examples of sainthood, that's why JC took all that sin on Himself, so we could be free to be the human beings God made us to be, imperfect, but workin on it for the HAPPY DAY when we get to realise the perfection we are working towards.Get the kids to church...it reall pays off later. That'll be 5 cents, please... | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 8:23:10 AM | Thank you for kind words.
To those who i offended by saying that i was a X-tian, i suggest you DON'T consider me one of your own and move on. I just stated why i didn't think divorce was an option back in the day. As far as me being a kept woman - not true. I have supported our family from the day one, and first decade of our marriage I was earning more money than my husband. Now I make less, but not by much. If i were you, I wouldn't so painfully focus on that. As a matter of fact I don't see my kids as much as I should because i work long hours.
As far as i drove an alcoholic to drinking, or have to *earn* the respect of my teenagers, i'm not going to even comment on it, plan silly. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 8:36:36 AM | Facing the TRUTH about your relationship is a healthy first step that will lead to others as you sort through what is best in the long term for you and your family. This is a difficult decision and not an enviable task.
From what you've written I think you've about had it; and there comes a point in a relationship where not amount of psychobabble is going to heal all of those untended emotional injuries that have taken their toll over the years. Unfortunately, nobody leaves a relationship, even a bad one, until they're ready to shake loose and start over.
Process: in making critical life-changing decisions, I usually create a decision-making chart. In your case, it would go something like this:
1. Reasons why I want to stay in this marriage - why I think this marriage can work.
2. Reasons why I want to leave this marriage - why this marriage doesn't and possibly will never work.
3. Actions my partner and I can take to meet marital goals if staying is the preferred option.
4. Actions I need to take to smooth the transition to single life if OUT is the only feasible option.
This, or some other structured decision-making tool of someone else's creation may work for you--and still you might not be ready to take action. But if you do stay or leave you would have fully assessed your situation, actions that you might take and the consequences of those actions.
Good luck!!! | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 8:46:00 AM |
I didn't considered a divorce before, being a christian and hoping that we'll work things out
I had to laugh at this......so being "christian"..Adultery is ok, but divorce isnt?
One of my favorite quotes by ~Mark Twain~..."If Jesus came back today, There is one thing he wouldnt be..A Christian" (gotta love quotes)
I understand that ppl are very prone to judgement, but hey, life has sense of humor. Just when you think that someone is being silly, the next thing you know - you're doing it yourself, exactly the same thing, right?
I personally will not judge you, first of all..I am not in a position to judge anyone, I dont claim to be all high and mighty to do so...You have to answer for your own actions in the long run.
Second of all we all have reasons for doing what we do and no one can fully understand what another person is going through. What I dont get is how you can classify this as "being silly"? Is it silly because you are a "christian"?
I am looking for genuine person because I'm lonely. My teenage sons act disrespectfully to me thanks to their fathers complete indifference and I feel like I'm on the end of the rope. My sons started to smoke weed. they are 19 and 17.
Your sons are young adults, if they dont like your rules, in your house........Boot them out!!...Dont blame them for your actions, and dont blame their father for their actions...And for Gawds sake...stop making excuses for them! You arent helping them that way!
I think you should talk to your doctor and get him to refer you to a professional to talk to. Sounds like you have esteem issues and you hav to gather strength and courage to make the decissions in your life for you to be truly happy!!
Best Wishes to you | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 8:57:54 AM | | As many have said OP you have NO place on a dating site when you are still married. For the sake of your kids' and your own health,you need to step back and learn to sort out the messes before you look for a new partner.This takes time and real effort,but will be worth it.Find an objective counsellor and start to help yourself,Good luck!!! | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 9:03:15 AM | | Well, I have taken the time to read each one of these, as it was the title that grasped me by the throat! The title is my life story, the rest is not. And everyone - NEWSFLASH - there are TONS of married people on here, including MYSELF! I don't recall reading in there anywhere about wanting to meet a man, to take over the payments, and fix all of the problems! I think the intent is that everyone just needs someone to talk to that is like minded. And I can tell you from my perspective - moral ambiguity or not - sometimes there are more reasons to stay in a marriage, even if it sucks, then to walk away. I don't think it is all about money either. I mean, there is a reason the designers of this site have set it up with options such as what you are looking for, and martial status. I mean - if married people were to be banned & brandished for having a little talk time with someone - or for being curious - or for even on occassion acting out a fantasy online - then shut them off and lose the internet forever because it is those of us with credit cards that keep it up and running as we dont have child support & alimony payments! That was just a smart remark sorry! But seriously - Do all of you just jump off the bridge without looking to see what is at the bottom? And as far as the Mark Twain Quote from the poster above me - KUDOS to you. I think we all miss the boat on that one! Every last one of us! I wish you luck in your searches folks, as we should all be wishing for eachother. Each one of us is unique, and each one of us has a right to be here - irrespective of our own moral & political feelings on the others! | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 9:13:17 AM | | Try to work things out....20 years is a long time to throw away because of restlssness.... But if you can't work it out end it then move on with your life...you are only 39 and have a lot of life still to live. The last place you want to be is on this site..You are going to have all sorts telling you exactly what you want to hear, and in your emotional state you will fall for it hook , line and sinker...........I say this from experience...Married 18 years , together 20, married longer than I was single, with the same man half my life, his drinking kept us from being a real couple for the last few years, he was too into his needs, But like you I never considered divorce, this is the man I love for better or worse and I stuck it out...then one day he decided he wasn't happy, he had been on POF for months looking for Mrs. Right...well he found her, she said all the right things and he left his family and moved in with her, that was a year ago.....He left a 20 year relationship for a 2 month fling (tigers don't change their stripes).....Moving on isn't easy but it can be done and you will be a better person for it.....And from experience Mr. Right is out there...I found mine and have never been happier.... | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 9:23:47 AM | Draw a line in the sand.
The no. 1 thing you need to do is DECIDE. Decide what you want. You've already decided what you don't want -- being married for 40 years to a drunk. That's good. True, you've already lived with it that long, but if that's how long it took to decide, no matter.
May I suggest a book to help you down this path? "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay". Next time you're in Barnes & Noble, flip through it. You'll probably walk out with it.
Leaving a relationship that doesn't work isn't "unchristian". Just draw a line. Set a time limit. If he's not sober by then, or if you've already done that, then you only have one thing left to do: decide that facing the fear of relationship transition is better than staying stuck in a dead marriage, put on your courage...and leave.
Believe me, a better life is waiting on the other side of relationship failure. Give yourself the gift of taking charge of your life. If staying married means giving up on what you NEED to have a fulfilling relationship, then give up being married and stop giving up on yourself.
Take him to therapy, tell him you're leaving, give him one last line to cross...but if he won't change, that's his problem. You don't control that. You only control your own choices. Once you decide to leave, don't look back.
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 9:34:02 AM | | Divorce is quite prevalent nowadays and accepted more. Don't let your life pass you by and at the end wonder why you can only see frustration and confusion when you look back. I hope all goes well and you feel better, as I feel empathetic with you- I'm sorry... | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 9:37:45 AM | Of course you feel empty. You've had a miserable unhappy life staying with a miserable man. However, you've also created this life of pain for yourself by rationalizing your situation. For example, I'm a Christian, I fear the unknown (financial, emotional, or whatever), and so on.
Any person would feel spent and empty after having lived your life. So what are you going to do? Throw away the rest of your life? The way to remove the empty feelings are to refill your soul with some good ones. That requires rebuilding your life. Countless women have been in similar situation, and they have gone out and done just that. They have learned new job skills, made new friends, and even found new lovers.
So what are you going to do? Moan and groan here or get yourself in gear?
The Eagle | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 9:46:55 AM | First of all Quicksilver’s description of life after 35 for women is ridiculous. While many men may be looking for younger women, most I have encountered want a woman in the same age group because they found out that the eye candy was not all it was cracked up to be in real life. Life is quite full after 35 but you have to be ready to have one.
You perceive the marriage as offering some kind of financial security but what you don’t realize is that your husband is dead weight that you have carried now for 20 years. You know that he is the only one that can address the alcoholism so there is nothing you can do to alter his behavior. By staying you are enabling. Going to your pastor or friends is going to do what? Your life will never change if you don't leave.
On your own is scary but at least you know what money is coming in and don’t have to worry about him spending money on booze and other ridiculous addictions when you need it for bills. You have to ask yourself, if you feel this way now, are you ready to do this for another 30-40 years, unless his liver gives out and you become a widow.
I suspect staying would be like choosing a slow and painful death. You will either violate your own value system and try to find some joy in an elicit affair or you will just remain miserable and become more invisible with each passing year. Are you also prepared for your daughter to turn on you and start treating you with the same disrespect your sons exhibit?
Wallflower, a true Christian also does not judge others but even when they see someone they believe is going down a wrong path, they attempt to help to steer that person in a more healthy direction for everyone involved. Yup, the OP is much more likely to listen to someone who essentially tells her she is a piece of shit for being so deeply embroiled in a painful situation that she finds it difficult to make sense of much of anything.
Also I find it hard to believe that you went to Alanon and even suggest that she drove her husband to drinking? Hmmm, $100,000 a year, which translates into about $25,000 a year in child support. There is a big difference leaving someone with a stable job whose wages will be garnished and someone who has from the sounds of it contributed little to an impoverished household over the years. What makes you think she doesn’t work? Seems to me like you are projecting a great deal because you made what you perceive as different choices when she hasn’t even made any yet.
People are jumping all over the OP because she is thinking. As others have noted, this thread was a question designed I suspect to help her organize her thoughts and make good choices in the future, and recognize that she has choices instead of continuing to feel trapped out of fear of so many unknowns. And the Christian angle seemed to me offered merely as an explanation for part of why she has never seriously considered divorce in the past.
Has it occurred to any of the people beating the OP up that the situation with her boys has finally propelled her to do something about her situation and that with some good constructive encouragement she may yet be able to provide a stable loving environment for her daughter as well as a more stable falling ground for her sons? And at 17 and 19 to describe the kids like they are hooked on heroine when they are probably going through a phase is a bit over the top, particularly as they may find that life with mom without dad’s roller coaster leaves them with little they feel the need to escape.
I learned even before my X and I split, that as another poster mentioned, things work themselves out, even if you have to go through the fire for a bit. My business revenues are cyclical and there were times when I drove myself crazy worrying about whether work would come through but it always did. Do what you know you need to do, stand on your own two feet as you always have without the albatross, and remember you are never truly alone. | |
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