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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 9:58:36 AM | Yor thread is full of contradictions!.......... you say you are realistic, yet you're looking for and expecting someone to posess all the characteristics you lack yourself.
You prefer 'strong' people, yet you don't even have the strength to get out of a marriage that's dead in the water by all accounts. You like people who 'don't compromise', yet you are compromising your marriage (for what it's worth).
You want someone who is hardworking.........why?.........to provide for you?........after all, money seems to be of more importance to you than happiness!!
I doubt that there will be many people by the time they get to a certain age to whom, life HASN'T 'been rough'.
I have had 3 long term relationships and lost 2 houses to 2 ex's, so have had to re-build my life again and again.
The last time, 7 years ago, I walked away with just my personal posessions, but with pride and peace of mind that I wasn't going to have to put up with any more emotional abuse. 
I suggest that you get out of one relationship before you even consider getting into another one! Or are you expecting some man to take you on with all your issues and wait on the sidelines until you have sorted out all the mess that so often comes with a divorce, IF you ever find the courage to leave? | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 10:00:35 AM | OP, it sounds to me like you are heading in the right direction. You're in a tough place, but God knows many of us have been there!
The only point I'd like to make is that you will be much better off, and your children will learn a better lesson if you do this on your own, without reaching for a new relationship to take the place of the old one. Being on your own can be scary and difficult, but then you will know that you can do it - it's a hell of a confidence booster and, IMO, will make YOU a stronger partner when you do decide to add a relationship to your life again.
Good luck, and no matter how hard it seems, keep your goals in sight, you'll reach them!
~ww | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 10:25:15 AM | I will still stay with what I have said.
OP doesn't need a pack of sympathizers. She needs to hear the straight goods. If anything, that will set her on the right path. She lives in a world of enabling and blaming. To have her look for sympathy and to have her want to justify her behaviour with regards to her choices for herself and those children of hers is downright wrong.
She needed a kick in the butt and I gave it to her. Now her head is hopefully out of her as*s and she can make some constructive choices that are not the easy way out.
I would do this to my best friends if they were going to put their children in danger by jumping from one wagon to another. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 12:06:28 PM | It has been said before but it needs to be said again.
The OP came here because she was confused. I do not think her original reason for coming here was sympathy nor validation; I think she truly wanted opinions from others with similar histories to offer advice.
This thread reminds me of the one time I asked for help with my profile on this website. I wanted assistance in creating a good profile with a nice flow to it -- not to be judged for my personal beliefs or wishes. People were quick to fling insults at me for what I did or did not want and whether it was realisitic.
I truly believe that many people here are so insecure with themselves that they can only feel better by making others feel like shit.
If you feel that you have advice that can help the OP than by all means give it to her - BUT STOP TREATING HER LIKE YOUR PERSONAL WHIPPING BOARD.
If you have nothing to give her in the way of support, than just remember:
IF YOU CAN NOT SAY SOMETHING GOOD ABOUT SOMEONE IT IS BEST TO SAY NOTHING! | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 2:50:18 PM | | Back in the day, when i was a practicing Christan, adultery wasn't an option the same way a divorce wasn't. When I die, I'll die knowing that i am a Christian. If you commit adultery (or theft, or murder) it still doesn't mean that you have to officially proclaim yourself an atheist. And luckily for me it's between me and God, not between me and other sinners. So back off and stop talking about religion. (As far as cheating goes, I don't really see how you can cheat on someone you don't have sex with....for the last 10 years...) Now my parents have always been together and have also married young, I was brought up thinking, that everything can be worked out. When I was all by myself, raising my kids, working nights, making all the financial decisions, saving my husband from himself, etc, no matter how lonely it felt, I thought that I'm doing it for us, our family, our kids. Now the boys came to that age, when just having mother figure is not enough, they needed stronger dad. They were acting bratty and it was only me to discipline them, which is not good, you know. Now they keep pushing it and I still don't have a man to stick up for me and show them how they should respect their mother. That was another reason why i felt that its just not working out. (I was going to kick my 19 yo out, because he doesn't work ( i work 50 h/week) doesn't go to school, smokes weed and enjoys the sh*t out of himself, affecting the younger brother and turning him against me. Dad was against it, he gave him his cell phone and pays for it and no matter what the brat says or does, dad thinks its ok. ) The other day i came home from work and all 3 of them are smoking weed. I bet there are some happy ppl out there, at the moment I'm not one of them. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 3:09:59 PM | And then people of both gender starting threads virtually every day how they come on here and other website hoping to find the right match.. and all they keep running into is marrieds who are still fishing around and justify that by being miserable in their current situation and get involved with someone and then either not go through with it, just get an ego boost and then return to their spouse and family. Would OP want to be someone's rebound ego-booster gal? I don't think so - she's hoping fro Mr Right. But what will end up happening is couple of things: she will be used by the likes of her (men just looking for a quick "consolation") and in her wake she will leave a trail of disillusioned bitter men who were decent but who will think that all women are out there to mess with their heads and don't know what they want.. Would you want to meet/date men like that? What goes around comes around. While I can sympathize with financial/kids part, I cannot really take it as justification for dating while still married. Yeah, been on another side of that equation - heard it all - from a guy - all about his "hapless" "loveless" empty marriage, and how he only stuck around for the sake of kids and finances, and how he didn't love his wife anymore and they slept in different rooms.. blah blah blah...all the tear jerking stories meant to elicit compassion and understand how his situation is "different" . Guess what - it's not. What a convenient "noble" excuse. It's same ole plain trying to have your cake and eat it too AND feel good and justified about doing it, no matter how you try to explain it away. What I just described sounds like male version of OP. Would OP want a guy like that to be her Mr. Right? I doubt.
Do the ~right~ thing, and all will fall into place. Plain and simple. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 3:13:36 PM | 14me24u....
Confused or not.....those kids of hers needed for her to get her head together...and fast!
It's not all about her. She had to see that.
This is a forum and this is a free country. Opinions can be abrupt and opinions can be meant as a wake-up call.
If you want to rescue her, you know where to write. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 3:19:33 PM | sounds like you better get out of your marriage real quick. God wants to give a full filling life. And you dont have it. Why after all these years would you want to spend it the way you are, alone and miserable. You need to seek help, for your own personal
well being. Life is way to short for what your in. The sooner you do, the better you will feel as a total woman! Angels hear the prayers of your heart, and just by your mental cry for help, they flock to your side. You are in need of comfort and direction.
Now is a good time to start. How much pain must one endure before getting the help
one needs?   | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 3:25:27 PM | wallflower:
This is a forum and this is a free country. Opinions can be abrupt and opinions can be meant as a wake-up call.
You are 100% correct. BUT if you want someone to REALLY listen to what you have to say you need to do it in a manner that will not turn them off! | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 3:35:23 PM | I was in sort of the same situation. I'm 45 and was married, still married and waiting for papers, for 23 years. I had finally realised at one point early on in the marraiage that I TRUSTED HIM. What a great feeling. I felt secure. I would get that funny feeling in my stomach every once in a while, but I would just set it aside and not pursue it, why cause trouble when it's probably just me having PMS (poor me syndrome). I should have followed my instincts. I had been ignoring my insticts.
He slowly started sleeping in the front room on the floor (futon mattress) because he said I moved around too much. Then it just got easier for him to stay out there. He would come in the bedroom in the am to cuddle and that stoped. Mind you every thing else was fine. We even talked about fixing up the other room as his and how sexy it would be to set up "dates". No problem, seemed OK to me. He slept in the front room for 8 years.
He had asked me to set up his credit online. I had started on my pc and thought that I did not want the junk mail so I went in to his to register him. I couldnt get on. We never kept passwords and if we did, we each had full access. I called him on the Nextel, he hesitated. I knew something was up. Well, I pretended that I could not understand him and got his password. I got into his mail and found nothing but emails from his daughter in Texas telling him about the babys. An email just came in and it said "Aug. baby pics". I had not seen them yet so I opened it to find this:
"Lucy has a feel that somethings up she is really on and watching, So I went to storage pulled account numbers from bank accounts when her money was in office, My accountant told me what to look for. Am going to have statements send to a friends house, did some cash jobs, might start a safety account, but need to wait for BK to be posted so as not to lie, seems shitty to me but what else can I do, hate being sneaky just not my style. "
That's how I found out. That is the first I knew about his plans to leave me with nothing. This happened three weeks after we refied the house and he had my name removed. Three weeks after we filed for the bankruptcy.
This is just a small bit of what has happened to me/us. Much more was found on his pc after I had found the first letter. You see, I could not just pick up and leave or kick him out. I was on disability only getting 640.00 a month at that time and had not been planning to leave him so I had no "savings". I had to stay in that house with him until Nov 1st 06. At that time I left with my clothes, the mattress (my bed), a desk, tv and crafting supplies. That's it. Everything else I picked up at yard sales and Goodwill to furnish my home. While there I opened up his pc to remote access and was able to log everything. Every website like SUN-TZU: THE PRINCIPLES OF WARFARE
"THE ART OF WAR" Chapter One: Calculations tips on playing with peoples minds, or mens magazine on line "how to get your wife or girlfriend to leave without telling them to". I also found out that HE WAS SIGNED UP ON A DATING SITE WAY BEFORE I FOUND ANY OF THIS OUT.
So if you would like to talk, email me. Just be honest with yourself and with your partner. For you guys to be in separte rooms, things have been falling apart for a while and you have chosen not to deal with the pain of it all. It was not easy for me to leave. With all of that info on him and everything he was doing, it was still hard to leave. And I agree with those that have said that you are not only dealing with your future but your childerns futures and how they see relationships. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 3:52:15 PM | We only get one lifetime on this world, there is no second time around. We make the best decisions we can at the time, some we regret later, and some help us to move up to a happier place that we never thought possible. Nobody should stay in a miserable marriage because they are too afraid to get out of it and face the unknown and stand on their own two feet.
We get out when there is clearly no hope that things will improve. Life is then what you make it without worrying about meeting someone else. There are too many other things to take care of first, and it all takes time. 
Pink | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 4:06:09 PM | lol...
See...I rest my case. My posts were well listened to. Not for my benefit, but for those kid's benefits. Do her and her children a favour and quit fighting her battles. She is an enabler and loves to be enabled. You are harming her. She needs to get it together.
You see....I am a woman who's mother was desperate to find another man to escape to after she felt she was in a no-win situation with my real father.
Yup...she found one. One who liked my sister and I. We were only six and seven. He was having sex with sister by the time she was eight. I fought him off and finally I told my mother what he was doing. She stared at me for a long time....then shrugged and went on with her business. I was only 10. From that day on, I looked after myself. My mother had sold her two baby girls for a man so that she would have financial security and not be lonely.
So...when I see OP's opening post about looking for a man when she's not even out of her marriage....and then subsequent posts about how rotten her "brats" are....I am appalled.
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 4:10:04 PM | OP.
This is big, and getting advice from a bunch of random strangers probably won't help much. No matter what move you make there are going to be consequences that you won't like. You need to talk to a family therapist first and then a lawyer to find out what your options really are.
Don't do something stupid like having an affair before you know your own mind and heart. That would only foreclose your options. Talk to the people who can actually help you understand your situation, what you really can do, and what you really want to do.
If you have turned yourself into a slave with no real ability to live on your own, then your best bet might be to make the best of it and stop tormenting yourself with dreams of something else. But, if there's a will within you to have a life that is truly yours, and you want as much of that life as your time left here will allow, then start preparing for it. Give yourself a year to figure out what you're going to do, then do it, and then don't look back. It will be what it will be, and whatever it turns out to be will be yours. You'll have to make the best of that too.
Good luck whatever you do! | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 4:32:21 PM |
We were only six and seven. He was having sex with sister by the time she was eight. I fought him off and finally I told my mother what he was doing. She stared at me for a long time....then shrugged and went on with her business. I was only 10.
Sounds like your mom was quite the winner - and you criticize the OP???? | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 5:06:29 PM | | MSG 65 That was cruel and uncalled for. Dont criticize someone else's post when you yourself are critical. And she was a child and had no control over her mothers actions. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 5:19:29 PM |
MSG 65 That was cruel and uncalled for. Dont criticize someone else's post when you yourself are critical. And she was a child and had no control over her mothers actions.
Two comments:
1. I have not been critical of the OP - I have been supportive.
2. I NEVER BLAMED HER FOR HER MOTHERS ACTIONS. My point was that the OP is at least doing SOMETHING to change the situation - it may not be the ideal solution but it is more than wallflowers mom did! How can any mom do NOTHING when their daughter tells them what wallflower did? | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 5:20:10 PM | 14me24u,
What a totally ignorant response. Obviously you missed the basic point wallflower was trying to make (earth to 14me24u). She was sharing her personal experience of growing up with a mother who put her own happiness and desperate need for a man above her own flesh and blood, even to the extent that the turned her head to sexual molestation of her precious daughters. She was trying to show the OP that she speaks from EXPERIENCE when she speaks. You really can't be so clueless.
And by the way, the OP was given plenty of advice - even from those of us who have been very vocal in expressing no support for how she's carrying on:
-don't turn to a dating site if you're needing help
-get counselling for yourself
-look into couples counselling
-join AL-ANON
-end the marriage and make a life for herself.
So really, I don't know WTF you're babbling about.
And I think it's rather telling that she refers to her teenage sons with such obvious contempt and disregard - going so far as to refer to them as 'brats.' | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 5:30:29 PM | | ive been reading the replys to your message and all i have too say to you all that replied is ,am where is ur compassion people???geez,this woman came on looking for help not too be judged by evryone .just unbelievable u all sound so self rightgeous like u never made a mistake in ur own lives made the wrong deision....and too those quoting the bible there ever hear off let he or she that is without sin cast the first stone!! give the woman a break...ive been in this situation and i left and i have never been happier...go with ur heart,trust urself,have faith in urself,u will meet mr right,because u deserve too.like us all on here...my advise to rest of u try a bit of compassion now and again....goes a long long way...good luck tpp u supertacu wotever u decidexxxxxx | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 5:42:39 PM |
She was trying to show the OP that she speaks from EXPERIENCE when she speaks. You really can't be so clueless.
wutznot2love,
First of all, your response was well written and easy to follow so thanks for an informed opinion......BUT as others here have pointed out, wallflower seems to be beating someone when they are down rather than trying to help. Belittling the OP is not going to resolve any of the OP's problems. The point that I was trying to make (I guess unsucessfully) was that we all have issues in our past that were not resolved in the best interest of all parties involved. With that being said, I wonder if wallflower is as hard on her mom as she is on OP.
If not, she is a hypocrite. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 5:57:07 PM | 14me24u:
I wonder if wallflower is as hard on her mom as she is on OP.
If not, she is a hypocrite.
I don't see your logic here. Wallflower is a grown woman who doesn't live with her mother any more. Would you really expect her to be hard on her mother at this stage in life? What would it prove? Wallflower can't turn back the clock. Wallflower's Mom can't take back what she did to her children. That being said, the OP is still in a position where she can make good choices for her children (or "brats" as she refers to them).
I still fail to see how being in a miserable marriage (that nobody is holding a gun to the head to stay in) yet signing up on a dating site and vocally expressing a desire to seek out "Mr Right" is going to fix the "mess" at home. If nothing else, it will only compound the situation should her husband find out. If she thinks he and her sons disrespect her now, what on earth will it be like then?
I think it's a very sad commentary on our society when married people join dating sites and there are oodles of people who give them pats on the head and support them. It speaks volumes to where we're at as a society. Anything goes. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 6:08:35 PM |
Maybe your poor husband has been driven to drink by you? He cannot talk to you? How totally disrespectful. Honestly! Suppose someone said to you that the reason your husband cheated on you with your g/f was all your fault because you don't have the skills of a decent lover. PULLLLEEEESE.
Op: In your situation, finding a lover outside of your marriage will only make things more confusing and you will end up being even more hurt than you already are. You're lonely at the moment so I understand why you are here.. but it will only make you lonlier when you find someone who will only be with you during stolen moments together. Go to Alanon (google it for a chapter near you), if you can seek individual councilling... believe me, it will help you.
You can make things better for yourself... but looking for your happiness here isn't going to do it for you.
Msg #54 is excellent, non-judgemental advise... take into consideration.
And I think it's rather telling that she refers to her teenage sons with such obvious contempt and disregard - going so far as to refer to them as 'brats.' Perhaps is is their demonstration of "bratness" that she refers to. Doesn't necessarily mean that she feels contempt for them in general but rather when they aren't being and acting with disrespect to her. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 6:11:30 PM | This is a tough situation to answer, & here is my humble advice:
The original poster has to realize that Christ brought the message of self-Actualization, not pointless suffering, even if many Christian faiths get this wrong.
The Vedas state” Until one sees the need to act, no need exists”. The OP now sees a need to act. Muster your resources, dear, & move on.
Moving on may be the catalyst that finally changes your husband’s views, drives, & allows him to impose self-control.
By staying, you are certainly wrecking one life -yours. Consider the chances that you MAY BE WRECKING TWO LIVES- his chances to change- & yours. Twenty years of staying has not helped.
You may have to change Churches, draw on resources such as Women in Need, & m most importantly, get you healthy before dating again. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 6:24:38 PM | 14me24u....
If anyone is the hypocrite here, it is you. You are very hard on me to the point of being very ignorant.
I have been where OP has been...PLUS more. I have been dirt poor in my life.
Lol...dirt poor meaning my mother and us 3 kids lived in a shack 250 sq.ft big with a dirt floor before she got desperate enough to marry my stepfather.
Hard on my mother? Yes...I was. I had no respect for her. How could I when she treated that man like he was a king while he molested and abused her children? Why do you think I said that sentence back a few posts ago about kids respecting the parent who deserves respect? It's very true.
I am so lucky that my kids who are now 29 and 31 are so fabulous to me. They were a delight to raise throughout their teenage years. Their father and I split when they were 12 and 14. I raised them on love, respect, hard work, dignity, honour and being there when they needed me. I put my love life on hold until I was established and they were safe. That was my legacy to my babies after what my mother did to hers.
Later, years later, my mother and I discussed that situation. I wanted to hear her say she was sorry. Do you know what I heard? Something similar to what OP's opening post was. Now I just have pity for her. Respect? No. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 6:33:12 PM | wishes granted....
People have been driven to drink if they can't handle a situation in which they are trapped into. Your spouse having absolute contempt for you is one reason men will drink. OP sure doesn't go gentle about her family, does she? I'd love to be a fly on the wall there.
You go to an Alanon meeting and see what conditions lead people to drink...or keep drinking. It's a real eye-opener.
Please know what you are talking about before you diss someone who's been there.
As for the writer of Msg #54. Well...he went off and decided he was going to be protective of her. That's enabling. Pure and simple. | |
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