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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 6:34:42 PM |
Later, years later, my mother and I discussed that situation. I wanted to hear her say she was sorry. Do you know what I heard? Something similar to what OP's opening post was. Now I just have pity for her. Respect? No.
Wallflower,
I am being sincere here - not cruel:
Congratulations on not following in your mothers footsteps.
One thing I have never denied here is that everything we do we should do for our kids.
I do not know what the outcome with OP will be but at least she has plenty of reading material! | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 6:48:53 PM | | I agree with the posts also in that I do not think you should be on a dating site if you are still married. Whether you are a Christian or not is not relevent. It is imoral to cheat on your spouse, and a waste of time for the people you will meet. Make a decision as to what you want to do. Stay in the marriage or divorce. Give your husband the respect of fidelity until you actually severe the relationship. I also agree their is probably no prince charming or perfect guy out there. I know you are in a very unhappy situation but weight out all the pros and cons before making a choice. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 6:58:10 PM | Wallflower... I do know of what I speak. And one of alanon's main teachings is it Is Not our Fault that They Drink.. It is Only Our Fault that we Enable Them To Continue .. If you don't/can't leave, then Alanon will teach you how to stay and live a life you can tolerate without enabling.. And my mistake I meant Msg. 64 NOT 54 Msg 64 It is good compasionate advise .
Without airing my "dirty laundry" in a public forum I Can say.. I had nothing but compassionate, supportive friends who did not judge me or blame me... Believe me, that helps. Your post was not compassionate or friendly and It Was Not constructive.
There are many good posts with lots of constructive advise without being cruel.. Op, I suggest you heed them.. and take action to make things better for you and your children. Change is scarey.. we all acknowledge that. You sound like you've hit rock bottom.. time for a LIFE change... not just a change of men... be brave! | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 7:15:25 PM | Wishes...
Message #64 by Ace of Space is very good. I applaud him.
I have been down this bumpy road of life a time or two or three, four or five. One of the things that sometimes brought me to my senses was tough talking by some very caring friends and my tough talking to them when they needed it. I have close darling friends that have been there for me and I for them for over 40 years.
If my tough talking to OP got to you and made her and you and whoever else sit up and take notice about how dangerous her frame of mind was drifting to, then I did what I was supposed to.
That is constructive.....not pretty...but constructive. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 7:20:54 PM | Re the Opost
IMO, based on the Opost, a divorce seems to be in order and has actually been delayed for 10 years already.
The rest is .... | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 7:27:25 PM | I agree Nick..
@ Wallflower: You can be tough in your love all you want... but if like you say, you've been through it.. then blaming her for his drinking.. makes it even crueller than what I first imagined. You made me take notice alright.. but it isn't anything that I would ponder other than how it put me and has put the op on the defensive. Displaying tough love to someone who trusts and you trust and knows you is one thing.. To do it with a total stranger is fruitless. IMO of course. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 7:32:06 PM | | Wallflower, sorry to hear that about your life. I had a feeling that i should not put you on a spot, when I am here rather to see how do ppl deal with the situation similar to mine. Hey and now I know why. Unfortunately tho, you can't give any valuable advice, because your perception is blurred by your own insanely awful experience. I am going to disregard your further posts. Be well. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 7:45:48 PM | Of course, you are going to do what you wanted to do in the first place. Your last sentence in the opening post says it all.
"Any ideas? Anyone in the same situation? Pls respond, I want to see that I am not alone!"
You were not asking for advice.
You wanted people to belong in your headspace. To justify your actions.
People who sympathised with you.
Question: After all of these replies, what exactly are you going to do?
If you are still going to go trolling for men on dating sites, stay in that marriage for financial reasons, verbally slay your family, endanger your girl, and take no responsibility for your life, then I rest my case.
I had you pegged from the get go. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 7:49:57 PM | @ supertacu I trust you will consider some of the good advice you have been given supertacu.. Your's and your daughters (happy) life does depend on you taking some positive action. (active on a dating site wouldn't be a positive for any of you.. you do concede this, right?) Your son's are nearly grown.. with some semblance of sanity in their lives... there may still be hope for them as well.
Wallflower may have had you pegged... but she certainly didn't make you see the light with her cruelity either.. your last post proved that. What DO you plan to do now op? | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 8:12:28 PM | I read this whole thing. Man.... First of all you said you would never deliberately hurt someone, re: someone hurting your feelings over being honest with you, but you are deliberately hurting your family by trolling on here for some man to come to your rescue, and that is what you are doing.
And I was confused when I got my first divorce, what was the best thing to do, especially considering the fact that I didn't even have a job, but because I wasn't in the marriage just so someone would support me, I got divorced, and it was one of the hardest times of my life, and took me forever to get on my feet. But I did it. Without expecting some man to come rescue me, and get me out of this horrible marriage.
Nexthyme had a lot of good things to say.
And if you work sooo much, what's holding you back from getting divorced? Certainly not your christian faith. That's better in almost everyone's eyes vs. cheating.
A lot of people have slammed wallflower for what she's had to say, but at least she's being honest and not condoning cheating.
She got a lot of sympathy for wanting to cheat. WTH???? Would you feel the same if it was your mate on here trolling for someone else, before even separating?
This is the very same thing as a married man coming on here saying, oooh my wife doesn't understand me, listen to me, have sex with me, yadda, yadda. Same shit. How many haven't heard it?
Well you can get plenty of sex from here, I'm sure.
Here's my advice. Get a divorce. Take time to help your children. Stand on your own 2 feet. Take time to heal. Then maybe think about being on a dating site . | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 8:39:35 PM | There appears to be a lot of 'claw sharpening" in this thread tonight,& hopefully, a few posters feel a degree of shame>>>
The original poster is looking for the 'best way out'. Even intelligent people stay in marriages for too long, & the call of love & duty is a difficult bond to break...
May I suggest that we all now read F Scott Fitzgeralds' classic semi autobiographical novel,
'Tender is the Night'
Then pass judgement? | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 9:04:36 PM | you know i stick to my post about everybody having an opinion.
**opinions are like an ass.. everybody has one. some not as great as others and always full of shit! ** WALLFLOWER PROVES MY POINT.
married people issue holy ? why is it such a big issue that married people come here . the are others here who put not single nit looking and come for the frums or the chat. if a married person wants to cheat i highly doubt that blocking them from pof is going to stop them from doing it. got an issue ...heres a tissue!
supertacu your in a very delicate situation. i know been there. before you do anything you will wake up and regret, think it over very carefully. there are organizations out there that can help and places and people also. check out your options and avenues before chosing the one that may destroy you and any hopes you may have at a good life. two wrongs doesn't make a right i know what living with someone and feeling isolated is. your self esteame goes down, your joy goes down, you lose your identity and wake up one morning going hello? depression is not an option because of your children. takes everything you have not to come flying apart at the seams. i admire your strength. takes a lot to keep your sanity to keep going on. don't listen to the negative replies. those are people who have such a small life that they have to pick apart others to make them feel better about themselves. makes you wonder if they didn't get hugged enoughwhen they were younger. or maybe their parents were donkeys and thats why they have no choice to act like an ass !....hmmmm makes one wonder?????
take care supertacu. some of us are cheering for you . | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 9:09:04 PM |
I am not an enabler, I have always worked on getting my husband off his drinking habits and other ridiculous addictions for that matter, Alanon will teach you that YOU CANNOT do anything to get your husband off his drinking.. Only he can do that for himself.. and he won't do it until his world, as he knows it, hits rock bottom. By staying with him, and looking after his life for him.. You Are enabling him to continue the status quo. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 9:18:06 PM |
take care supertacu. some of us are cheering for you .
ther_mal,
Perfect post -- what she needs is support not some women trying to rip her a new ass hole. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 9:22:26 PM | Then comes someone on here who wants to really flame...another protective male for you, super.... he is just repeating what has already been said in previous posts. I guess he wants to look intelligent for the "bombness"....
This is what you are looking for?
Give him his attention. He really went to war for you. And that other one, too. Warriors all!!!
This thread has gotten low-class with people using cursing and such.
Sling away! | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 9:30:43 PM | | Dear ther_mal, it was definitely worth posting here,just to hear from ppl like you. I'm not much of a though love typa gal. I say screw it and you're forgiven, its OK, i love you anyway. You are absolutely correct, I'm not here looking to get laid. If I wanted to, I could have it any time, and I would choose live nature to an internet site. I do think that some of these blood-thirsty ppl's parents are donkeys / Tasmanian devils. I know they act like I'm here stealing their potential perfect mate, tho i don't think they are too marketable with or w/o me on this site. I will make some changes, unfortunately right now I will have to be these boys mother and a father. I'll be fine. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 9:30:51 PM | | i raised my child alone,rather than put him through more bull.i did the right thing,sacrificed and didn't want to chance another bad relationship with him in the middle.you have to put your children ahead of everything else,even if you have to go on public assistance.i did what i had to do,last few years,things got better.he is a young man now,i can start doing for me now.you need to do what you think is right,i do know that there is no dealing with a drunk,i would rather be broke poor than deal with a drunk.good luck,if you need a friend,feel free to write,been there done that.good luck! | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 10:17:20 PM | | I also have been maried and fine myself alone now .yes also I am a CHRISTIAN but I also know that the BIBLE tells us not to be unequallity yoked that to me means that if you do the best you can and your helpmate doesn't it is better to go apart than stay unhappy. at the sam time I also wanted to try to work things out but soon learned that the only thing that changes are the time,days of the week and the price of stuff is getting higher and higher. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 10:51:05 PM | I posted on the first page of this thread, and I still stand by my post... LOL, sounds like a political statement...
I'd encourage you to read this thread: "Kids packed her bags!!"
If you'd like a taste of major judgment.
What you have described, is that at this point it is better to be with the devil you know, then the devil you don't know.
I still would encourage you to ask yourself what you are actually looking for on here. As well as what would happen if you met a really nice guy, but he isn't prepared for the insanity an alcoholic and his teen sons can inflict in a divorce proceedings.
Shug you have every right to want to feel happy, however your kids have even more so, simply because they were brought into the world by you and your spouse.
I guess what I hope you gain in advice, is NOT the feeling of being judged, but rather there can be a larger price to doing things behind you spouses back, then having a sit down and telling him what it is that you want...OF COURSE it does seem that you don't know at this point what exactly it is you want.
That is why I reiterate like many have, you talk with a counselor and bounce around your options. You probably have more fortitude of dealing better with a divorce now, before any adultery comes into the picture, then after the fact.
As in the thread I pointed out, that is 25 pages worth of nastiness that flew in all directions...
I hope that you don't cheat yourself out of anything wonderful for another 10 or 20 yrs. Life is to short to be so miserable that you are willing to compromise your values.
Starting over as a divorcee is not the hi light of my life, but sitting behind the 8 ball, while my ex did everything he wanted to do, just because he could, was less fun.
Remember, you are NEVER alone... No matter what you chose, it is what you chose to help yourself out that makes things easier... Good luck... | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/12/2008 10:53:21 PM | hey wallflower.....sticks and stones.... i'd rather be the warrior than the witch!
being a decent human being with compassion for another who is seaking advice and some empathy makes me a warrior?
well hell stand back and let me shine my armor. if you don't want the criticism then don't give it.
you got to like these people who come on post and act like doctor phil with a broomstick.
i had a woman something like you before wallflower. she had the uncanny ability to jump on a broomstick and achieve flight also. kidding...well actually no but hey you know what i'm trying to say. ease up folks. its life. we make it what we want if we try hard enough but sometimes we are stuck in situations where we are tied from head to toe. we all have different opinions. but take into consideration the feelings of others before you start your rants. we all need some kindness. wallflower nothin personal.my apoligies if i hurt your feelings or insulted you in any way. just wanted to make a point also. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/13/2008 4:16:22 AM | People People People.............everyone has an opinion and is entitled to it. Thats the purpose of the forums. You may agree or disagree. Post your answer to the OP and please dont be the moral or forum police. Some people have strong opinions on certain subjects. The OP posed a question for answers and she is free to gleen what she chooses from the answers posted here. Continuing to call people out by name solves noting for the OP.
OP whatever your purpose is to be on this site I would hope you take the best of what is posted here and do with it what you will to get your life in order.
Good Luck | |
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| wEEL, you are baffling the fora...
Posted: 5/13/2008 5:58:29 AM | the OP wrote:
"....think that some of these blood-thirsty ppl's parents are donkeys / Tasmanian devils. I know they act like I'm here stealing their potential perfect mate, tho i don't think they are too marketable with or w/o me on this site. I will make some changes, unfortunately right now I will have to be these boys mother and a father. I'll be fine.>....."
Ok, sticks & stones can break our bones but e-posting only raises eyebrows...
Supertacu, are youreally looking for meaningfull change, or simply for support in your present relationship??
although some of the posters are meaner than the the crazies over at Catholic Match's fora, & youhave my sympathy, can youadvise us what directiosn you intend to take? | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/13/2008 6:04:10 AM | Wallflower. Alanon went right over your head if you are going to continue to suggest that others drive alcoholics to drink, and I speak from experience with alcoholics littering my family and my X-husband's. You talk about enablers and not taking responsibility, you are putting the responsibility for drinking on the people around the alcoholic and that is retarded at best. I also hope that you get counseling because this venomous attack was unwarranted and the OP's situation was not remotely similar to your mother's. It is horrible that your mother abandoned you while still living in the same house. Lashing out at others because you perceive similarities has accomplished what? I wouldn't listen to a damned thing you said because of the way you chose to say it, even if it was good advice which it wasn't.
I think the OP has figured out that there is no helping her husband and at this point if I were she, I would take my daughter and get out. Let the 17-year-old know if he wants to come along he is welcome but leave dad and older pothead to himself. When my brother graduated from high school he was given three choices by my father, college, the military, or a job. By February he was still making enough hustling pool to pay for his drugs and whatever else he was doing. He had a job interview on his birthday but when he returned home my mother was informed that he took his girlfriend out instead. My mother told him again, do one of those three things or get out. My brother walked out the back door and didn't come back for several years. It wasn't until he was in his 40s and his marriage tanked that he got counseling and realized that my mother was not uber-biatch and that she had every right to kick him out. Your son either will or will not come to the same realization but carrying him is going to do him just as much good as carrying your husband has your whole family.
You are doing your son no favors by allowing him to do nothing and live off your largesse. I have also dealt with a recalcitrant stepson that was bigger than I and outweighed me by more than 50 pounds. If he won't get a job or go to school you and your husband don't need to be supporting him. Easier for you and the girl to move and I would do it now. If your husband wants to support him let him, there is nothing you can do at this point about the choices your grown sons make, or your husband, but you can do something about whether you will live with them. I suspect the kid doing nothing will become irritating even to drunk boy if he is the one that has to clean up after everybody's mess.
Yes, people forgive us, but being a good parent requires discipline so always having the attitude that things are okay is not okay. Kids need limits, structure, and they need to be told that they are children and are not the boss. Good suggestion to read that other thread because parenting, already a difficult task, is made virtually impossible when someone else is cutting your legs out from under you. You can discipline your children alone, I have done it the duration of my marriage and so have you. While it may seem like shutting the barn door after the cows are out, get some parenting books on discipline and start using it with your sons. When they find they have no clean clothes, no meals on the table, yada, yada, they may rethink which parent is the kewl one.
You know what's right and what's wrong. Get out the right way and save your daughter. Your boys know where the life boats are if they want to live a life differently than the one their dad has shown them. Just like he made his choices, it is now time for your sons to make theirs. Do not tolerate their crap, let them know they have a place if they want to abide by your rules and stick to it! | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/13/2008 6:17:45 AM | Dear Lady
I am a Christian as well and it is hard to unequally yoked. I suggest you check out
website called DivorceCare.org They can send daily devotionals free as well.
They can also send you local groups where you can attend at one church or
another.
It sure helped me alot through my difficult. Now I don't regret the divorce at all.
Blessings to you! | |
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