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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/13/2008 7:08:19 AM |
At 39 you may be fortunate to meet a man your own age, but generally the men are lowering their age ranges of preference increasingly younger than their own as they age themselves.
I keep reading that middle-aged men are seeking younger women, but that has not been my experience. I have dated as many men 10-13 years younger than I am as I have men my age. I sometimes wonder if women in my age range have the "nice guy" syndrome and blame their lack of "dateability" on their ages rather than looking at themselves.
The original poster is looking for the 'best way out'.
She isn't looking for a way out. She is looking for validation to stay in her marriage while dating men.
If she is looking for the "best" way out, she should just leave. Things won't get better, and at this stage, she doesn't really want them to get better. She is tired of the marriage.
Again, been there, done that. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/13/2008 7:44:05 AM | packagedeal...
I stick by what I said...
You can argue until the cows come home....semantics. An enabler (whether she demeans him, nags at him, insults him, whines at him or threatens him) is just as bad as driving him to drink or keeping him drinking. I think her personality really came out on here as to what kind of enabler she is. THAT IS A RESPONSIBILITY SHE HAS TO TAKE. Alanon encourages us to take responsibility for our actions in dealing with this problem.
As for counselling. When I see that I have a great career (which I developed post divorce), have overcome a nasty divorce, raised my children so that they are loving and productive adults, and have a great social life with many people and friends, then I am alright. I have also lots of common sense and happen to not have any sympathy for a "bombness" who is into only herself.
Also, read what she last posted. She isn't changing one iota. In fact, she infers that we are jealous. That is so trite. Catfighters on the street use that strategy. Poor taste and laughable.
She just wanted to date men and wanted validation. Facts.
. She's still married. Won't leave.
2. Is on a dating site to meet men for sex. That line about sleeping in separate beds for years is rather telling, isn't it? Why else explain your sexual status in the marriage? Married men do the same when they are on the hunt. "We don't sleep together anymore."
3. Calls herself a bomb. Marilyn Monroe bombshell?? Actually refers to that term more than once.
4. Verbally nasty about how she sees her husband. Uses that to justify her actions. Read again all that she says about her husband. Now think that it is you she is talking about and referring to. How many married men on the hunt run down the wife?
5. Verbally nasty about her kids. No wonder they are on the road to loserdom. They have no respect for her. No love from mother. On a public forum calling them brats???
6. Refuses to see that maybe she is a real component to this dysfunciality by being sarcastic and nasty to anyone who calls her on her thinking. She never did ask for advice. She just wanted to hear about others just like her. Then have a circle of associates so that what she is doing is justified. And...lastly...says that she's going to stay right where she is.
I feel very sorry for the kids as she showed her true colours on here with regards to them. As for her husband? One wants to see what he has to say.
There are married men who will run their wives down and make them sound horrible so that they can get sympathy from the new prey. When in reality she is the nicest, sweetest, hardworking, intelligent, and lovely woman.
Isn't that a cliche?
I think this woman is the female version of that. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/13/2008 10:14:03 AM | wallflower just to clearify something up . i've had the pleasure of seeing this lady and yes she is THE BOMB!
though the years may have been unkind to her she is still very attractive. and before you go off on your high horse about fake pictures .there not! i don't see none of you posted anywhere. so before you throw rocks. remember people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones! | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/13/2008 10:29:25 AM | Well, 1st order of business this entire issue of things is probably an aspect to do with understanding yourself.
Also Mr. Right seems like either a personality trait you can be used to or somone who's goign to think for you and also provide for you.
As it is I'd say do what you can to actually learn about you and go from there. I'm not saying that this is a deal of knowing the answer for you , but I'd rather see you come to the answer for you instead of somone else giving it to you. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/13/2008 10:29:42 AM | Wallflower, I agree with you. She didn't ask for advice and she plans to stay where she is. Despite her complaining, it is too comfortable to go elsewhere. To use a cliche, she wants her cake and she wants to eat it, too.
and before you go off on your high horse about fake pictures .there not!
Ther_mal, the OP has no pictures posted. If by "seeing" her you mean that you have seen pictures, whoopee. They don't have to be fake, they can be old or even of someone else.
if you have never been in an abusive relationship or a dead one. don't presume to sit back and dish out advice that you have no clue what your talking about
I haven't been in an abusive relationship, but I was in a dead one for years, so that must mean I can presume to sit back dish out advice and make observations. The OP is staying in the marriage because she is still getting something out of it. She doesn't want to leave not because her religion says no divorce (it also says no adultery) or because of her children (from what she has written, they would be better off in a different type of environment), but because the thought of leaving is more frightening than her circumstances.
I would bet money that when she begins to meet men and finds one with whom she can move in, she WILL leave her husband. Until then, the great unknown is just too unknown.
I stayed in my dead marriage because I was afraid of that unknown. Some women, and men, will only leave when they find the impetus to go (i.e. a new man or woman), or the situation is more frightening than the unknown.
Leaving was one of the best things I did in my life; so my advice, again, based on having been there--she should go or she should stop complaining. She should also not need validation from strangers.
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/13/2008 10:39:39 AM |
Dear Supertacu
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!
You are one in a million of others just like you. It is a cultural epidemic.
Anyone in the same situation....? Is this your first glance at the forums?
Seek outside the pond....learn about TANTRA..it is coming on like a tsunami...
the little guppies will be killed...
only the strong and self aware will survive.
www.TantricHealingTouch.com
I wish you strong swimming, the tide is going to get rougher, I am so sorry to say
Jivana | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/13/2008 10:41:36 AM | Sleeping in seperate beds for ten years?
I couldn't even fathom that while being married..
I know what you mean about feeling cheated out of half your like..
I was married at the age of 18..
After giving all my youth to the same woman , I find out that she had cheated and lied all along and I found myself divorced ..
There is no way to get those years back, but I'm living the rest of my life for me...
It is hard to find a good spouse and soulmate, and at my age the chances get even slimmer...
Good luck and don't jump into anything.. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/13/2008 10:55:12 AM | #1. Be true to youself.
#2. Bad behaviour begets bad behaviour.
#3. Opinions are like a--h----s, Everybody has one, and they all stink.
#4. If You want to be here (for whatever reason) be here.
#5. Take care of you first! On an airplane when talking about the oxygen masks and small children, they say put your mask on first!
#6 . Counseling could be good. Consider it!
#7. Use your head, not your heart.
#8. Have two sets of plans, one as a family and one as a single mother.
#9. No sex or passion in your life? Take things in your own hands. When someone right comes buy, Put your trust in his hands.
#10. Take two aspirin and call me in the morning.
You asked for advice, you got it!. Take what you can use and throw the rest away.
Chris..... | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/13/2008 11:29:03 AM |
wallflower just to clearify something up . i've had the pleasure of seeing this lady and yes she is THE BOMB!
though the years may have been unkind to her she is still very attractive.
I loooove this! She sends men her pics, and the best, though the years have been unkind to her. What a hoot!!!! I'm sure she appreciated that! LOL...
But.... she has gotten what she wanted, the attention of men, men come to her rescue. How funny.
Women know women, and all their bullshit, too bad guys don't. Guys come on here wanting to understand women, and then when women tell you how other women are, we are b itches, catty, and whatever else we are called.
And as far as the person, can't remember who she is, that keeps posting about alanon, and how you can't drive alcholics to drink, you are wrong. You can't beat the hell out of them, rub it in their faces, make them pay and pay, and expect them to stay sober. This woman is of no help to him.
And once again I will say, how many men have said, my wife doesn't understand me, listen to me, have sex with me, yadda, yadda. She is doing the same, but as usual, men just want to jump on the bandwagon of, ooooh poor little me, rescue me, help me............. so I can f uck you over just like I am him, and them wonder what the hell happened. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/13/2008 11:45:04 AM | After reading the whole thread, here are my suggestions:
Get hubby and children off to school and work or wherever they go.
Get yourself all floozied and perfumed.
Go to one of the microwave (they used to be called pressure cooker) clubs.
Spend the afternoon dancing, flirting, and pretending to be a teenager in the throes of infatuation.
It will add lots of excitement to your life trying to cover up your activities. It will make you be nicer to your hubby and children because you feel guilty. And, after about 3 or 4 sordid affairs, you will finally face the reality that you are not a desirable femme fatale, and being bored with your homelife is not really so bad after all.
Just hope to heck you don't get caught. It kind of spoils all the fun when you find yourself in divorce court. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/13/2008 11:48:26 AM |
I am looking for genuine person because I'm lonely.
I am not trying to be mean or anything, but as a still married woman, you are not going to be able to find a genuine person. Most people who mess around with married people are just out to have fun and in the end you are the one who is going to be hurt.
I say get the divorce. I am divorced myself and am now just starting to get back into dating. If you are not happy in the situation you are in now, you're not going to be happy in any other relationship until you get your life straightened out.
Once your divorce is final, date to your hearts content. It's a lot of fun, but only if you do it the right way and that means to get your life in order first. Don't get serious with any guy until you find the one you feel is 'right' for you. This way you don't find yourself back in the situation you are in now. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/13/2008 12:09:44 PM | Any relationship requires work, input from both. Long term (20 yrs is a long term investment for each of you) is a period that can easily have those lulls which if you dont nip in the bud, can get bigger & take over til one day you find yourself wondering what happened to it all. You have a financial base, children & a history. If U start over again, you wont find perfect. Whatever you choose, before you go further, I highly recommend you go to a counsellor or therapist for as long as it takes. It is well worth everyones happiness which gets affected . At some point, would likely be good to bring him in to counselling. Whether he was or still is a drinker. Some quit on there own & maintain the characteristics......they get referred to as "Dry Drunk"...they didnt work on themselves. Those who go to A.A. And work the Program, not all do, change a lot of things about themselves & go a lot farther that way personally, in their own life, marriage or new relationship. You would also if you went to Al Anon whether he is still drinking or not, whether you are together or not.... damage was done to you a long time ago. To find a counsellor who is familiar wi co-dependency, or go to an al-anon meeting....the choice is yours & you will continue & live withthe outcome.
Your husband was addicted to alcohol & you addicted to him. If you dont 'do the work, the nxt man in yr life will likely have a depency/addiction. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/13/2008 12:14:51 PM | | oh my god! you could be me, exactly the same situation, even with the same grouping and ages of children, i di d the same, stayed in the marrage thinking it was the right thing to do, and thinking i coiuld not manage on my own finacially and otherwise, but i did find the strength eventually, and enjoyed life on my own,with my children, and was better off, because i was not responsible for having to find money for his booze. Please dont be scared, i went on and fond a good kind and loving man with my 4 children, and am now enjoying a "normal " relationship, you can too!! | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/13/2008 12:18:10 PM | | have you ever been in a relationship that makes you feel that ground down, useless and dependant? i would be interested to know. I relate totally to this lady, and how she feels!! | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/13/2008 12:34:42 PM | Hi Ms. Love, The voice of experience here says to cut your losses and get out of it as fast as you can. NEVER stay for "the kids", they are smarter crittrers than what we think and can FEEL the tension that must be in that house. Not a good way to grow up (unless you want a future booking for them and you on Springer or DR Phil )Live every day like it is your last, it just might be. All the nay-sayers on here due to religion, mores and "what the neighbors will think" have obviously not ever been in a like situation. Do your self and your kids a favor and be honest with yourself and them, let them know its not thier fault and then move on. God luck dear, you are far too young to be miserable, Jim | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/13/2008 12:51:56 PM |
I know they act like I'm here stealing their potential perfect mate, tho i don't think they are too marketable with or w/o me on this site.
Now I have confirmation of what I suspected...you really aren't here to get advice/opinions/suggestions...you came looking for support for the rationalizations you've already developed.
Had everyone here kissed your ass and said, yes yes poor baby, go ahead and find a boyfriend, life has done hard by you, get a good boyfriend to help you get out of your bad marriage,you'd think WE were "the bomb".
Well I ain't 'the bomb", but I'm about to live up to the "C4" part of my handle.
Lady, if you aren't happy in your marriage, then for Pete's sake get out. If you can't deal with the issues that such would create, then learn to make the best of what you have. Being married to one man but actively looking for another man to bail your sorry butt out of what you've let run on for 10 years,what message does that send to your kids?? It will teach your sons that women can't be trusted and it will teach your daughter that a woman gets thru life by USING men.
I'd encourage you to read this thread: "Kids packed her bags!!"
ABSOFREAKIN'LUTELY!!
Look I'm sorry your life sucks, but what you are asking those of us participating in this forum to do, is to validate your plan of action, to say it's OK for you to cheat,
You might just as well ask a flock of chickens to nominate Col.Sanders for the Presidential election.
Fix the marriage you have or leave it and take charge of your own life.
Cindy O | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/13/2008 1:08:46 PM |
just drop by and looking around..just to let you know i like your profile.thats all..bye now.
There you go.... jump on that . | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/13/2008 4:40:29 PM | HAHAHA ya got to love it. i'm getting bashed by over aged opionatedwomen because this lady chose to send me one picture i NEVER ASKED FOR! she volunteered a picture. and no not because she thought she was going to get something for it. i live in eastern canada ans she lives down south. i thought that you grew up after 40. guess you grow down instead. or there is the example on narrow minded opinions. are we feeling a bit envious that this lady is getting some attention?
ladyc4...jnh456...Gwendolyn2008 ladies ladies if you have an issue..heres a tissue. boo hoo.get a grip. funny thing is you are al over 50 coincidence.hmmm. change of life getting you? them damn hot flashes. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/13/2008 4:45:16 PM | I would be the one that keeps posting about Alanon and driving people to drink because it is a fuking choice. When I was younger because my mother was the biggest biatch on the planet, I drank, yes to get away from my problems but it was still a choice. She didn't drive me to it, I drove myself because I did not find an alternate method for dealing with my problems. I was also a teenager with fewer choices than adults that are in no-win situations.
I have problems now and I don't choose to drink to get away from them. If her husband thinks she is a biatch or whatever, he had a choice to seek counseling to solve the problems or to hide in a bottle. When the hell do people around here support the alocholic that is sitting around smoking dope with his teenage sons?
People accused her of not working, and she said she had worked throughout the marriage bringing home more than her husband at one time. Every shitty thing someone has said to her outside her thoughts about going outside the marriage for companionship she has answered from what I can tell honestly, and we still want to spew hate at this person.
I don't know what it is about this woman that everybody is freaking out about because if she does decide to have an affair that is her choice and she will have to deal with the fallout because of it. She tried to defend herself on this thread and as catty as everyone has been I don't doubt that part of it was jealousy even though you don't know what she looks like. I do, apparently when she is speaking with someone one-on-one she has the courtesy to include a photo so you are aware of who you are speaking to.
I hope she manages to exit her marriage in what I feel is the right way, by ending it first and then at some point when she is emotionally prepared for it, to find a guy that will not be a dead weight she is required to drag around. If she doesn't do that, I hope that she will at least find someone that will be a positive person in her life and that of her child but as I have not walked a block in her shoes, I am not going to make any judgements about what she does or does not do.
I spent 15 years with an emotionally and verbally abusive primarily dry alcoholic. Alcoholics will find any and all excuses for drinking and/or failing to take responsibility for their behavior. Most of the marriage I was accused of cheating. I never did and it would never have been my choice but it is also not my place to judge other people.
Wallflower, despite how well you are functioning, your rabid response to this thread suggests that you are still carrying a great deal of pain and it might be beneficial to you to get counseling because you might find greater joy in life if the hurt and anger are totally gone. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/13/2008 5:21:16 PM |
I don't know what it is about this woman that everybody is freaking out about because if she does decide to have an affair that is her choice and she will have to deal with the fallout because of it
What everyone is freaking out about is, if she follows the usual routine of a married person having an affair, someone is going to be terribly hurt. It requires a partner for an affair. How many posts do we need to read, or how many times do we provide a shoulder for our friends to cry on, because they found out the person they thought they loved was married? How many times do we see that some poor woman has contracted a disease from her cheating husband. How many times do we hear the story that some guy is now a single Dad rearing the children alone because his wife walked out on her family with her chippie?
In other words, cheating may be her choice, but it isn't the choice of the other wife, her own husband, the single guy she could involve in her sordid little drama, or any of the children.
Yeppers, those of us with a heart and soul, and some experience of getting caught up with a cheater understand the repercussions of the choices a cheater makes. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/13/2008 5:26:35 PM |
ladyc4...jnh456...Gwendolyn2008 ladies ladies if you have an issue..heres a tissue. boo hoo.get a grip. funny thing is you are al over 50 coincidence.hmmm. change of life getting you? them damn hot flashes
Well I guess us ladies over 50, just seem to have some morals. Which is a lot more than I can say about some people on this site. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/13/2008 5:33:43 PM | packagedealx3: Your posts are always intellegent and non-judgemental... Thank you for your contributions.
To blame the spouse of an alcoholic is bloody ridiculous and someone who thinks that way does indeed have issues that they have not dealt with. . and they project the pain that they still harbour continuously. But to blame the spouse for the alcoholic's drinking is beyond unbelievable.. It is no different (in my opinion) to blaming a beaten wife for the physical abuse her partner inflicts on her. .. she shouldn't have talked back, she should have had the dinner on the table when he got home etc *rolls eyes*
Op in msg 91 says she will make some changes, but for the time being.. she will have to be mother and father to these children... She's is taking her life back (I hope) one step at a time..
Now those with issues from your past that you continuously project in post
after post and thread after thread, I hope you seek some form of help as well. It will make you happier people. Afterall, with your thinkiing One could blame you for the reason your husbands cheated on you . .. doesn't feel good to be blamed for something you have absolutely no control over.. Realize this, and you will become happier overall and those of us who enjoy the forums won't be subjected to your superiority complex and bitter judgements.
Good luck Op. | |
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| Yikes! ONCE MORE INTO THE BREACH, dear friends & darling Gwendolyn....
Posted: 5/13/2008 5:35:51 PM | Our Darling Gwen Wrote
".....The original poster is looking for the 'best way out'.
She isn't looking for a way out. She is looking for validation to stay in her marriage while dating men.
If she is looking for the "best" way out, she should just leave. Things won't get better, and at this stage, she doesn't really want them to get better. She is tired of the marriage......"
Which I assume was aimed at me, as it was, weelllll, quoting me…
First, can we show supertacu some Christian Charity? Who among us has not been scared by the choices of life?
I really do not see what is to be gained by sacrificing her life to a marriage from hell. Marriage is a social contract, & her older son& husband smashed that long ago.
My first advice is to muster your resources & get out. Leave the Manic& the stoners behind.
If something keeps you in this marriage, & GOD only knows what, then (He takes deep breath), take a discreet lover if you really have sexual needs that cannot be quenched. Be prepared for:
1. risk of blackmail
2. Psychic stress. If you feel guilty about your present marriage, you will certainly suffer the guilt of an affair, no matter how discrete.
It helps that I now live in Calgary, where the women are tougher than the Broncos they tame…
& thanks, Supertacu, for volunteering yourself as the fora’s latest clawing post… | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/13/2008 8:32:39 PM | ther mal...
ummmm...your intelligence is showing again.....
where did I say anything about fake pictures??????????
Please...if you must contribute to this thread or any other, don't show that your IQ is much lower than an ant's.
Of course, you must protect this lady. Is this who she attracts???
Not my cup of tea at all.
Now...stay on topic, please instead of fighting with women. You just show all of us what you really are about. | |
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