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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/15/2008 6:21:03 AM | | hi you have to be brave and just leave ... its a scary thing to do ... yea you might not be as well off financialy on your own but you have a choice to live a misrable life married or leave and start again poorer...dont look for a man straight away be on your own for at least a year otherwise you just just haven't a clue what you want ....someone to love you ? love yourself ...love your kids enjoy their company ... you wont look back if your brave enough to do it and will wish you had done it years ago honest | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/15/2008 7:23:03 AM | | I understand the semantics of it now. Every forum needs to have its villain, every villain wants to get noticed by trying to be more ferocious. Here for your comparison : thread "Your partner never asks about your passions" read the comments #44 and #48. See the difference? I see it and i love it. Daeeeeem...Here is your entertainment! | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/15/2008 7:53:58 AM | | one point i have not seen in this thread.ok,you aren't in a sexual marriage,question is,if he wanted sex,would you have any feelings about it,or would it just be a physical thing,an act of being a wife?my point is,not too good at these things,bear with me,is that going out and getting some would put you in the same spot,just with another body!a way of feeling wanted,but knowing deep down that nothing has really changed.would that not make you feel worse in the long term,maybe even detached?not being the run around type,guilt will not be your friend,and you will lose something that you held on to all these years.you may consider what i posted in my first reply way back,and that is,make a clean break,your kids will know you are not happy,as i said,been there.you,and this is just another opinion,need to learn to be the independent person,to be happy.in time,you will find an "equal"partner,that wants you,and not just for the occasional roll.that means mind and body!think about that. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/15/2008 7:54:44 AM | Elizabeth - I was told by supertacu to check you out, as you quoted Rilke - can't email you due to being blocked (am apparently exiled as the wrong species for your side of the sea). However, this may do as a work-around - Like Super, I studied Rilke in German as a lad, had difficulty swallowing "Herbstag" which awakened a depressing "German Romantic" awareness in me for many years, and am shocked, shocked that fish in this man's pond can quote him and others so seamlessly.
In any event, I have never "blogged" before, not here not anywhere, and do not know if the protocol will permit this to propel directly to you, but, it is worth a shot. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/15/2008 8:08:16 AM | Allworthy: dawg, you're crazy!
To everyone else: I got what i wanted from this forum, thank you all. thanks for the good advise, bad advise, and just any input. I am not going to discuss any of my personal life here anymore, including my sex life /lack of thereof. Stay black. Peace.
P*S* Lets go read us some *Kids packed her bags*! | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/15/2008 9:22:09 AM | | Let me get this right....your in a unhappy marriage and have been for years and years. But you won't leave because of financial and religious reasons? Those are not good enough reasons. Honestly I think it's time for you work on yourself and decide what path you need to take. Whether it's staying within the marriage or coming away from it. You trying to fill the void by cheating in a marriage isn't the answer. And might I add not very good example for the children. I have been a single mother for years now...and I live pay check to pay check..but I take that over being in a unhappy marriage or relationship anytime...because I know I deserve that for myself. I understand being scared...but your at a cross road in your life....which path do you want? Follow what your gut feeling is saying to you....it's generally right! | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/15/2008 1:08:22 PM | Hi supertacu........I can very much relate to your feeling of emptiness within the confines of marriage, but there are no guarantees that you will find what you need from other people, or even by divorcing.
I feel your pain in the words you write about your sons showing you very little respect and their father not promoting any respect for you. The respect that parents need to promote to their children while raising them is critical to the mental health of both parents. If your husband is not stepping up to the plate as a disciplinarian and always leaving it up to you............you will always look like the "bad guy." He needs some lessons in parenting and to develop some skills on how to take the "lead" and provide support to the mother of his children, when she is attempting to lead. As well, it doesn't sound like he is attempting to lead by example.
Anyway best wishes for your future. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/15/2008 2:18:26 PM | | Try to hang in there as long as possible.... for the sake of the children. I think you said it yourself. Your strongest attribute is that you are a Christian. So, keep praying eveyday, and when you experience the LOSS of your marriage, just know the God has a better plan for you. On the nights that are so difficult and lonely, just connect to God with thoughts and know that the Lord is getting you lined up for something a lot better than what you have now. Even if it means that God is planning for you to be alone, then this is a better way for you to carry on God's work. Once the bad energy of your failed marriage is cleared, you will see the path to righteousness. You will see what your true destiny is for... and you will be content and clear-headed, instead of being conflicted. You have been in denial for years, trying to wait for something to change. You have spent half of your life with an immature man. Once he is out of your life, you will feel a sense of peace and freedom you never dreamed possible. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/15/2008 6:50:19 PM | | thats what i'm going to do, posters 160, 161 and 163. Thank you so much. And especially dear pacagedealx3. Thank you, it helped. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/15/2008 7:18:42 PM | | i am out of it after this,but stick it out for the sake of the children?i grew up in that so called love,found out my dad wasn't my real dad,they stayed married for us?they all did it for me,to protect me.it sounds good on paper,but it ain't fun growing up and watching it.for the record,i don't believe any of this.i looked her up and she ain't hurtin for money.if you want to cheat,do it,we cannot validate it for you.my wife went around telling people i was a drunk and abusive,for the sole purpose of getting sympathy sex,at my expense.why on earth would you put this out?crock of bull if look at it from any angle.good luck,go out and get laid,just don't blame it on your man or use your kids as the out for when you want to run back home.one more thing,real estate sales will pick back up soon. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/15/2008 7:37:54 PM | | Did his drinking stop you from becoming attracted to begin with? Nobody should tolerate abuse of any kind, but I have to ask, if you tolerated it for years, what was the deal breaker? | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/16/2008 7:23:39 AM | rdclaw...
I have known other women who have run their husbands down so that they can validate their cheating. It's rather common.
I 'd love to hear from the husband if he gets wind of this. Should be interesting.
He can take this whole thread to the lawyer's office.
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/16/2008 11:19:49 PM | supertacu,
I read all the posts and no one knows more about what you are going through than me. Everyone seems to not understand how difficult situation it can be when you are torn between choices like you are facing.
I was married (separated now) to a man for 8 years (together for 9). Six of those years have been without affection of any kind. It's like being in a home, but still feeling lonely. But I decided that it was better for me to live alone than to feel lonely. It's the most difficult thing, but it's the best thing......for me.
I know the emptiness you feel...I felt it every day...and still do. But, think about the example you are showing to your children? Your daughter, is she going to be the type of person who will stay in a marriage...even if she is not happy? If she were in the same situation...what advice would you give her? Put yourself in her eyes...you might see a different picture and could also clear up your turmoil.
You alone have to make the decision of what you need to do...but if you stay in the marriage..you know it won't get any better...don't worry about the "security"...the security can come...at it's own pace.
Just think..."what would I say to my daughter, if she were in the same situation"...might get your answers.
Don't know if it helped...just know that you are NOT alone. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/17/2008 12:16:10 AM | I was with the same man for 17 years.....trapped. While I loved him, I was not in love.
I would say leave the marraige.....you WILL and CAN survive. The ? I asked myself daily was if I could spend the rest of my life like this....sadly the answer was no.
Money is not the be all to end all. I was broke when we were married (I stayed home with kids) and I am broke now as a single mother to 2 kids. Your going to make it regardless.
It has now been 2 years after it took me 2 years to get up the courage to leave.
To this day I love him......but I do not miss him. I think if I wanted to get back he would, but I have no desire to.
It can be hard....and lonely.....but it can be exilerating and HAPPY on the flip side.
I wish you the best of luck. It is an extremly hard decision to make. It took me a long time to make that decison but I am very happy and content with my life now | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/17/2008 12:41:57 AM | I understand how u feel. But it sounds like u want it both ways. U want people on here to tell u it is ok to cheat cuz u r so sad. U n only U made the choices that put u where u r. And U n only U can make the choices to relieve ur sadness.
Cheating is a bad choice. It mite seem exciting at first. But too many people get hurt. And there will come a time U will regret it. Once U do it U cant undo it.
Honetly, do u think that "Mr. Right" is a man that will cheat with a married woman? Or cheat on his wife?
Get a divorce. It is hard. And it hurts. But in time u adjust. I think u r just afraid of the unknown. Well, it is scary. Adjusting ur life over is hard n u will go threw a hard time. But u need to decide if u want to be unhappy or try to be happy. If u decide to stay married then u will have to find a way to make it work. If u get a divorce u will have to make that work too. Ur kids know if ur not happy. "They would rather be from a broken home then live in one." And PLEASE PLEASE if u decide to divorce DO NOT use ur kids to hurt each other. PLEASE. In the end u only hurt them.
Dating seems exciting, but it is hard.
I hope u decide wat is right for u n ur kids. And ur husband.
B | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/17/2008 6:43:57 AM | | Hey, I just wanted to say that pacagedealx3 is pure gold. Good mornin everybody@! Don't be hatin'. Have a great and eventful Saturday! | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/17/2008 6:57:17 AM | supertacu..
I think you alread you said something to that effect about packagedeal earlier.
This is not a chat zone. I would venture to say that you are trolling for attemtion?? | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/17/2008 9:43:03 AM |
supertacu..
I think you alread you said something to that effect about packagedeal earlier.
This is not a chat zone. I would venture to say that you are trolling for attemtion??
And I would say you are exactly right. | |
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| Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/17/2008 10:45:38 AM |
Hey, I just wanted to say that pacagedealx3 is pure gold. Good mornin everybody@! Don't be hatin'. Have a great and eventful Saturday! I hope by posting this again, it means that you will be taking her excellent advice.... | |
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