| Help!!! Boyfriends Mum hates me!
Posted: 5/12/2008 9:55:51 PM | I dont think im a martyr, and nor do i want to be fighting against all odds. We have a fantastic relationship, he's my bestfriend as well as the love of my life. He has been through a lot and unfortunately he turned to drugs ~ a mistake i also nearly made myself after losing my son, breaking up with my first love and losing my brother in a very short period of time but luckily i had an amazing father who spotted the signs very early and helped me to get the counselling and other help i needed to get myself back on the strait and narrow. Yes my boyfriend wasn't so lucky but he's not in denial, he knows and understands his problem and he wants to go through the right channels to quit his addiction for good and i do nothing but admire him for that. We have a mutal love, understanding, trust and respect for eachother and he is an absolutely amazing guy. Im totally in love with him and i believe that he is with me. I had a great relaionship with his mother untill recently, niether me or him can think of anything i could have said or done to cause this. The day it started she actually called me while we were together having lunch to ask me if i wanted dinner, i politely responded 'I've just eaten, but thankyou so much for your offer'. She then said 'No problem sweetheart, will you be calling by with James?' I told her i'd call in before i went home for a cup of tea, she said 'Great, i'm looking forward to seeing you.' We walked to his house within half an hour of the phone call and when we got there she was fine we chatted over our tea and as i was leaving she gave me a kiss and a hug. The problem came when my boyfriend gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek, he then got his jacket as he was walking me to get my bus and said 'Come on then princess, lets make sure my number 1 girl gets home ok,' we left the house and within minutes she rang him shouting and cussing to say she didnt want me in her house again.
I dont understand it at all. I love her son whats so bad about that? | |
|
| Help!!! Boyfriends Mum hates me!
Posted: 5/12/2008 10:00:43 PM | | No offense, but considering all the info you've posted there, I see a big pile of dung in your path... especially if he's dependent on her. | |
|
| Help!!! Boyfriends Mum hates me!
Posted: 5/12/2008 11:19:03 PM | I read this quote recently..."the course of true love never does run smooth" Shakespeare...unfortunately, there is an element of truth to that. Usually I'm the biggest quitter...not sure what's gotten into me lately...but I really do have faith in your relationship and I wish you all the best...hang tight...I'm sure it'll be worth fighting for  | |
|
| Help!!! Boyfriends Mum hates me!
Posted: 5/13/2008 1:23:59 AM |
The day it started she actually called me while we were together having lunch to ask me if i wanted dinner, i politely responded 'I've just eaten, but thankyou so much for your offer'. She then said 'No problem sweetheart, will you be calling by with James?' I told her i'd call in before i went home for a cup of tea, she said 'Great, i'm looking forward to seeing you.' We walked to his house within half an hour of the phone call and when we got there she was fine we chatted over our tea and as i was leaving she gave me a kiss and a hug. The problem came when my boyfriend gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek, he then got his jacket as he was walking me to get my bus and said 'Come on then princess, lets make sure my number 1 girl gets home ok,' we left the house and within minutes she rang him shouting and cussing to say she didnt want me in her house again. To me, this sounds like she discovered something (something broken or missing, or evidence of drugs or drug-taking) after you'd gone and blamed you for it. If he was really responsible, he'd not want to be telling her or you -- addiction is a very powerful thing that often leads to secrets between those who should have no secrets and the destruction of relationships.
Alternatively, is it possible that she is an addict herself, possibly an alcoholic? Completely irrational behaviour seems to be a feature of that. | |
|
| Help!!! Boyfriends Mum hates me!
Posted: 5/13/2008 1:30:36 AM | I think that she has some legitamate concerns.
If you end up hurting him, he may turn to drugs again to be his friend/comfort thru hard times.
Recovering addicts walk a fine line, it is EASY for them to relapse. I'm sure she knows all this.
she is probably thinking this blip of happiness might or could be short-lived and make him more miserable in the end than he started out as.
just something to think about.
i dont know | |
|
| Help!!! Boyfriends Mum hates me!
Posted: 5/13/2008 2:03:13 AM | OP
This sounds like this is either so irrational or there are missing pieces to this story.
The only person who will fix this problem is your boyfriend. If he is living in her house and dependent on her then he is screwed. But the bottom line he needs to grow some stones and tell his mother how things work and that is final or she will continue to meddle in your affairs until the day she dies. This is only the beginning and as much as you want to do something you can not do a damn thing to change it.
It sounds like addictive behavior runs strong in that family. Your boyfriend runs to his addictions to hide from his issues and his mother runs to her addictions (her son in this instance) to hide from hers. She is possessive and never thinks she will ever be replaced and sadly your boyfriend is half to blame. He needs to cut the chord and grow up and set some healthy boundaries with his mother. If it doesn't happen with you it will need to happen sooner or later because she will do this with every woman she interprets as a threat to replace her. Addictions suck don't they?
Good luck! | |
|
| Help!!! Boyfriends Mum hates me!
Posted: 5/13/2008 4:07:09 AM | An 8 YEAR drug problem?
And he's getting 'clean' all by himself, or has he done rehab and taken the real steps to clean up his act?
While his mother may have her own issues, it's probably true that she's the one that dealt with his addiction for the last 8 years. It was probably her who had to deal with the mood swings, the ill health, the irrational behavior, the anger, the disappointment, and every other rotten thing that addiction brings with it.
Unfortunately, you're way too young to have the life experience to understand what you've gotten yourself into, but you need to remember one thing - YOU can't fix other people. Doesn't work that way.
And no, love does NOT conquer all. As you get older, you'll understand these two things. | |
|
| Help!!! Boyfriends Mum hates me!
Posted: 5/13/2008 5:43:25 AM | OP, you said he was a drug addict? Hmmmm mom is codependent and controlling and a major enabler.. She does well just to deal with him not doing drugs.. Oh yes, when the addict gets sober the enabler has a hard time because their "mission" in life.. their world comes crashing down on them and they have to change. Change is a dirty word in severely dysfunctional families.. And this one sounds dysfuncitonal enough.
Sweetie, you are not "well" enough to deal with all of the ramifications of this. No one would be.. but there are times in our lives where we need to throw in the towel for our own good and I think this is one for you.
I was in a situaiton where I was engaged to a guy whose mother wouldn't let go. It is called "emotional incest". I tried to fight her and the rest of the family because "I LOVED HIM". But what happened is that he trusted her more than me and she was able to put a wedge between us. I actually believe that he liked all the fighting over him because it gave him attention. Anyway I never would fight her over him.. but I believe this relationship nearly killed me because eventually I developed leukemia and I believe the stress related to this relationship caused me to develop it. I am ok now.. but I firmly believe the stress I endured caused the disease.
Get out now while you can. | |
|
| Help!!! Boyfriends Mum hates me!
Posted: 5/13/2008 6:26:18 AM |
No i definately have never done drugs with him, or with anyone else. .....You might want to edit your profile then before anyone else see's your answer to "Do you do drugs".....'Prefer not to say' is not exactly the correct answer to put when discussing a thread concerning drugs.
she seems to genuinely hate me for no reason .....Trust me there is always a reason. It's up to you to pinpoint that reason. If you can't do this then confront your b/f's mother and get it out in the open. | |
|
| Help!!! Boyfriends Mum hates me!
Posted: 5/13/2008 11:23:35 AM | | Well, when it comes to addiction...it's true...love does not conquer all...you will lose...until he is prepared to deal with it...I would bow out as your efforts will be fruitless. | |
|
| Help!!! Boyfriends Mum hates me!
Posted: 5/14/2008 6:50:15 PM | Msg 25, OP, can I say - been there done that? Fantastic relationship, soulmates, in love, and everything (fill in the blanks). Plus, his parents adored me because they thought I was the only one who could keep him straight coz I didn't have any kinds of problems like that and had a lot of influence on him. Congratulations to you on your own turnaround. But do you think it is even safe for you to be around the person who may be dragging you down at some point, if he has a relapse? Many people understand they have a problem and say it, but yet still the problem is overpowering them, or they are in denial about the ~extent~ of the problem and its power over them. If you want to set yourself up for a life time of walking over the abyss, instability, unpredictability, drama - then by all means, do it. Of course, I know it is also mixed up with unbelievable passion, connection, being best friends, etc etc. You can live on passion and drama and emotional rollecoaster a while. Then you either spiral down to becoming emotional wreck or get out. I made my choice - that living an unpredictable life, having too much of his drama, ups and downs was not for me. Of course the choice is yours to make, but from what you described - odds ae not good. You may find yourself posting here again after living in turmoil 10 years of your life and ~still~ coming to the same result.
Despite what poems and songs say.. love does not conquer all.
Many blessings.... | |
|
| Help!!! Boyfriends Mum hates me!
Posted: 5/17/2008 3:34:12 PM | I doubt anyone is going to agree with me but I am going to be honest. I think that it is great to be close to ones family and more people should have family values but there is a limit. When someone puts their family above the person they are in love with, it is a problem to me. If she gives you a hard time, picks on you etc and he does not stand up for you, then he does not truly love you. If he truly loved you, you would come first and not her or anyone else. Family is family but once you meet someone and start a live with them, they are suppose to come first.
If you stay with him and he does not change this and you end up married to him, I know 100% you are going to get a divorce. This happens all the time and next to money and cheating, it is a leading cause of divorce.
So you have two choices, walk away and find someone who will make you first or stay and talk to him and hope he changes. I would pick the second because we are usually too quick to give up on people.
~Carrie | |
|
| Help!!! Boyfriends Mum hates me!
Posted: 5/17/2008 4:25:25 PM | When I met the mom of one of my ex's, it was quite awkward. I can't recall the precise wording, but it went something like:
"I hope for your sake, you are not a predator."
She was concerned more for the safety of her grandson, than her daughter. I was polite and respectful, and either later that day, or the following day, she called and apologized for what she said.
My last ex had this unnatural fear of meeting my parents/family, but she came to regard them as the nicest parents of any bf she has ever had.
I'd suggest your bf talk to his mother about you, and try to resolve her concerns about you. From what you write here, this would have happened with any woman he would have dated, so there's not a whole lot you can do until she gets accustomed to the idea of you being with him. | |
|
| Help!!! Boyfriends Mum hates me!
Posted: 5/17/2008 4:30:13 PM | | there's not much you can do. Just be sweet and nice to her...even if she's a shit. kill her with kindness. Your boyfriend will appreciate you not waging war, and should stick up for you. | |
|
| Help!!! Boyfriends Mum hates me!
Posted: 5/17/2008 5:40:19 PM | He's a drug addict and his Mom has probably seen him relapse before. She probably fears that he is in no position to be in a real relationship till he straightens himself out. Any person with common sense would wait until the person was clean for at least a year before dating him. She may fear you will dump him if he falls off the wagon and he will numb himself with even more drugs to get over the pain of a breakup.
Not a healthy situation for either of you. AA advises addicts not to date during recovery. | |
|
| Help!!! Boyfriends Mum hates me!
Posted: 5/17/2008 10:49:52 PM | | AA works for some poeple, but not everyone. And all that stuff about being powerless and having a disease can be used as a crutch. | |
|
Home
login 
