tom518
|
Joined: 2/28/2008
Msg: 26 | |
| Seperated is NOT single......or is it?
Posted: 6/15/2008 3:51:16 PM | I have been separated for over a year and the divorce has been filed. I do list myself as separated and will change it to divorced once the judge ok's it and not single.
I live in NY and filed under cruel and in human treatment and had to wait the year. During this whole time I have not dated anyone out of respect for the other person because I certainly was not ready. Unfortunately for my soon to be ex-wife it was about a week for her to find someone else and then someone else and yet again and again. I actually feel bad for her and not hate anymore. | |
|
| Seperated is NOT single......or is it?
Posted: 6/15/2008 4:58:35 PM | When you're ex-wife tells you she doesn't love you any more and has been seeing someone else for the past two years, and you have been physically "separated" for more than six months like me, believe me, separated is single.
Whoever says otherwise is talking out of where the sun don't shine. | |
|
| |
| Seperated is NOT single......or is it?
Posted: 6/23/2008 7:08:16 PM | | It is a most deceptive if not dangeorus state...it's no wonder those who are seperated shy away from the term....and even when they do...they seem to be perfecting a lie...but its real form is never quite attarctive...so i agree, seperated is never single and in no form liquid, solid ,or gaseous is it SINGLE. | |
|
| Seperated is NOT single......or is it?
Posted: 6/25/2008 4:57:09 AM | Exactly. Once you have been married and the relationship is over, it's called "Divorced" not "Single". If you are still married, no matter the paperwork, until you have DIVORCE papers signed by a judge in your hand, YOU ARE SEPARATED, not single.
Saying anything else is a lie and if someone wasn't UP FRONT with me in the beginning of a relationship on something this SERIOUS, I'd dump them regardless of how things were going. Nobody likes a lier or someone that cannot understand that being honest with themselves is the first step toward healing after a relationship ends. It's a tough reality to face, but the right thing isn't always easy to do. | |
|
| Seperated is NOT single......or is it?
Posted: 7/5/2008 10:24:58 AM | There's a variety of reasons why people do and say what they do. To claim a status which gets you into meeting people to date and whatever is like anything else you choose to claim in order to get whatever..... It's a matter of integrity and moral ethics which I find lacking in this world way too much!
Obviously, if one was married and divorced, this labels says "I made a mistake in the marriage department". That's the accountability that is part of our history now and forever. I'm not pleading for wearing the Scarlet "A", but let's be grown-ups here. No one gets married to get separated or divorced and yet it's a painful end if it comes to this. So, this is part of our imperfection as human beings and there are dues to be paid. Is it always fair?, of course not and life is not fair, otherwise we would never make mistakes. And I'm not saying this because I made out in my divorce situation, although I got custody of my children in lieu of any great financial support. We were poor, but safe and I was given another chance to make a better life for my children. Whether or not God puts another love in my path, remains to be seen.
If there are no kids involved, it's easier to conduct activities not always "true blue"; however, think of the models we are leaving our children if we're jumping from one partner to another and carrying on a life as if we are single again - which once we are married, that status has changed.
So, whatever status you are, if you're not going to be honest about it and up front, then I guess that may be one valid reason why you're not married anymore!! I'm glad there are a lot of expressions for the true meanings of "separation" and "single". | |
|
| Seperated is NOT single......or is it?
Posted: 7/6/2008 3:25:19 PM | | When you divorce, there is a healing period everyone goes through, tho the times are different for each person. Calling yourself single when you are not, may be the beginning of that healing process, but it is not healthy, truthful, or the beginning of something new. As long as you are still married, or living in a relationship, then you are not single, and you should not begin the moving on process until you have finished with the old. To me, it has to do with morals. If you are married, whether it's good or bad, then you are still in a committment. Trying to step around that committment shows me that the person is not straight forward, or truthful, even if the person is not trying to hurt anyone by his/her actions. | |
|
| Seperated is NOT single......or is it?
Posted: 7/17/2008 12:07:44 PM | - if you're married, you're married
- if you're still married, you're married
- if you're separated, but divorce isn't final, you're still married, you're married
See.. you're married as long as papers say so.
Similarily, you're inside a car until you get out.
 | |
|
| |
| Seperated is NOT single......or is it?
Posted: 7/21/2008 5:31:12 PM | | Hi , I agree seperated is not single. I do feel for the people that are sepaerated , and do believe that they should go out and have a good time , but at the sametime don't mislead people , or themshelves .They are still not out of the water, and should wait until their head is straight. | |
|
| Seperated is NOT single......or is it?
Posted: 7/24/2008 9:24:36 AM | For me its less about the "legality" of being married, seperated, or divorced.
Its more about where you are in your journey through life. Having been married for 10 years and divorced for 7 years now I am well past all the emotion of it.
That time period where a person is going through a divorce (from the time of the decision to a year or two after the divorce is legal) is a period of turmoil for most. They spend alot of energy and emotion on the past while they are healing.
How can they focus on making a new relationship work when they are still picking up the pieces of the marriage/family and creating a new life? The marriage may have been "over" for years but until they go through the legal process of divorce and all the crap that goes with it how can they be "available" for another?
While I emapthize with those going through divorce I don't find it appealing to date someone who hasn't been a year past legal divorce - simply becuase the dust hasn't settled for them and I don't feel they would be available to focus on a relationship with me.
I've done that a few times and it has been a disaster each time. At least half of the time/conversations with them was about their ex-husband and the crap of divorce.
Mike | |
|
| Seperated is NOT single......or is it?
Posted: 7/24/2008 3:03:37 PM | | Ah, heres where it gets fun. How is splitting hairs on someone elses definition of what we are, or are not, in our own hearts, going to get any of us together? How about this? Why dont we just drop all those predetermined labels for each other, and just find out for ourselves? Seems to me theres an awful lot of scar tissue and insecurities getting in the way of judgement here. Before you judge me by a word in my profile, why not say hi, and find out from me what I am, or am not? If a person is determined to judge me based on what "the other guys" do, Im not interested. Hows THAT for pre-judging? Ill wait for a confident, mature lady to ask me what I mean by seperated, and when she does, Ill be honest and forthright with her. She will have the choice to go from there. Folks, there still ARE some very nice people out here, in some not-so-nice situations. | |
|
| Seperated is NOT single......or is it?
Posted: 8/23/2008 8:32:48 AM | Correct - Sepearated is not single:
Seriously, I had this guy talking with me and he tells me that he is BEGGING, PLEADING, BESEECHING his wife to come back home, hey could go to counseling and no questions would be asked. She walked out on him and he is the on begging her to return home. And that is not the end, he was telling me about this woman that liked him and she would not leave him alone. Well in my eyes from what he told me she was trying to keep her foot in the door like he was with his wife. But he was telling me this woman was nuts. He would not admit in leading that woman on, but he was, just by what he said in his emails.
Why in the heck are you on a dating site leading tons of women on, if you are petitioning your wife to come home and asking her to go to counseling. Are you getting great kicks out of leading on and hurting other woman, just so that you can feel like a big man, because your wife walked all over you and crushed you????
Dating sites are for people that are really looking, seperated man/woman should stay off till they are divorced and not pretending to be divorced!!!
I agree, it is very sad what internet dating has become. | |
|
| Seperated is NOT single......or is it?
Posted: 8/24/2008 9:45:58 AM | Separated is not single!!! and I'm tired of these men on here who are "separated" yet living under the same roof with their wives! Come on guys...I totally get that the real estate situation is brutal, but if you're really not getting back with this woman then get yourself a studio if you can't afford a bigger place and be done with it.
There are guys who are "legally separated" and that's not so bad. But the ones who have a fight with their wife and suddenly come on here and are "separated" need to be slapped in the head V-8 style!
I was legally separated for 7 years before finalizing my divorce but I had moved out and we both had our own separate lives and there was NOTHING that was gonna bring us back together.
Some people just want to have their cake and eat it too with a little bit of soda and icecream on the side with that whole "separated" crap. Go hard or go home! Divorce her or go back with her but stop wading in my dating pool while you're still married and cheating.  | |
|
| Seperated is NOT single......or is it?
Posted: 8/25/2008 12:52:13 PM | | No, separated isn't single... but my last relationship waited 5 weeks to tell me he was "technically still married"... long enough for me to have really grown fond of him, long enough for him to tell me he was falling in love, long enough for me to have started really feeling a good foundation of trust for him... and then he dropped the bomb. Unfortunately, I stayed for another 7 months, all of which were filled with more not-quite-truths. Never again. The initial lie just started the relationship off on the wrong foot, I was never able to trust him or find a comfort level with him that allowed me to move on so I ended it. | |
|
| |
| |
| Seperated is NOT single......or is it?
Posted: 9/1/2008 2:44:36 PM | If you are not legally separated through attorneys and have signed separation papers
The operative word is SEPARATED. Legally or otherwise, SEPARATED is NOT divorced. A rose by any other name is still a rose . . . . .the only thing that will make you divorced and therefore SINGLE is a DECREE OF DIVORCE - not a separation agreement. By its name, it is what it is - an agreement to be SEPARATED - not a DECREE OF DIVORCE. Even a simple mind should be able to grasp the difference. | |
|
| Seperated is NOT single......or is it?
Posted: 9/1/2008 8:43:11 PM | | hello heidi.. i was reading your message and wanted to ask you what you thought i should do.. my husband wants me to leave and so i am..he wants to date others while still married to me and i think its wrong.. and i have told him as much..im unhappy and want him to file the divorce papers he refuses .. what can i do.. i am so lost and confused .. and i do not have thefunds to do it myself or i would havealready doneit.. HELP PLEASE im so lost | |
|
| Seperated is NOT single......or is it?
Posted: 9/2/2008 8:22:32 AM | i do not have thefunds
Most counties have Legal Aid or pro bono projects. Call your local bar association and ask them for the information. Also, about that leaving crap - if yall own the place, you tell him to git HIS happy a$$ out, since that's what HE wants. You do not have to give up what is yours so that he can have his cake and eat it too. Why should you have to go out and find all new furniture, fixtures, appliances, living space? New YOrk State does have equitable distribution. Do NOT leave your home without first speaking to an attorney and do NOT deposit money into a joint bank account. Get your own separate account. | |
|
| Seperated is NOT single......or is it?
Posted: 9/2/2008 4:58:46 PM | | I'm not Heidi, but... Do not move out until you look into it more. A reason for divorce in NY is Abandonment (or something along those lines) and you moving out can REALLY put you in a bad situation down the line. There are a number of books available which can at least provide you with some information. I had bought one about Divorce in NY. It talks about the differences between separation, legal separation and divorce. (and on the topic, separated is not single in my belief system!) At least get a book and read and educate yourself so you don't get totally screwed if you get a bad lawyer. | |
|
| Seperated is NOT single......or is it?
Posted: 9/3/2008 2:52:52 PM |
Do not move out until you look into it more. A reason for divorce in NY is Abandonment (or something along those lines) and you moving out can REALLY put you in a bad situation down the line
Yep - what PJay said - | |
|
| Seperated is NOT single......or is it?
Posted: 9/21/2008 10:44:03 PM | | Everyone is so bitter with this, so hey here is my take on the question...because I break all the rules you all are talking about....My wife abandoned me and her 2 children 2 years ago, moved in with her new man, thus leaving us separated, she no longer resides in my(our) home with me(us). Up until just this year I hadn't been with anyone since her departure, therefore making me single. I don't tell people I am single, I tell them I am separated. The divorse is in her court....call it what you want, but I didn't do the cheating, or leaving of my children, so I will be damned if I am going to pay or push that issue....I already won....I got the kids, the house, etc...so paperwork or not.....I am the winner!! Here it is folks: married:yes single:yes separated:yes all the above....its all in the interpretation!!! 2 years is a long time to stay at home with no female intervention because I was "married" When questions arrise you answer them as honest as you can....and hopefully the person asking knows exactly where you are at, because they themselves have been there, and would NEVER throw stones from their glass house!!! | |
|
Home
login 
