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| Seperated is NOT single......or is it?
Posted: 9/26/2008 9:57:23 AM | OK, my point of view - I am seperated although aware that legally this means still married. I am not in a situation where I have a bitter ex, kids, house or anything else that links us. As we know divorce doesn't happen over night but I still feel ready to start dating again.
The thing is, using this site I get the feeling that women looking at my profile are seeing "seperated" and making assumptions which leads them to click off of my profile as sooner than it took for them to click onto it and it is becoming frustrating, I am not a liar and so am not looking to address myself as single or divorced but at the same time feel that I am being looked over. | |
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| Seperated is NOT single......or is it?
Posted: 9/26/2008 5:42:07 PM | I am also listed as separated. Decided to part ways after 15 years in January of 2004 after years of verbal abuse. Moved out in May of 2005 with my kids.
So why am I not divorced yet???
...well, my husband is a divorce and tax law attorney with his own practice and he apparently feels that I am owed nothing whatsoever and he would happily see me live the rest of my life in a homeless shelter if he could. Must be some kind of Italian sense of vengeance... In addition....the IRS is auditing several years of tax returns and two recent years never even got filed. He had control of all our assets so after using all of my available funds and borrowing what I could I went thru two attorneys who simply couldn't stand to deal with him anymore and gave up. I ran out of money to fight him and just recently he was ordered by a judge to give me funds to hire a new attorney for myself. By the way, my children are 10 & 11 and I gave up a lucrative career to be a stay-at-home mom for 10 years. If I could support myself and my kids without his assistance...I happily would sign papers tomorrow and walk away from it all ...unfortunately...that is exactly what he hopes for and would be foolish on my part.
We may still be married on paper, but in no way are we married in spirit. It took me about two years after moving out to muster up the desire to meet anyone. I list myself as separated and know that it may deter potential contacts, but at least I'm honest. Not everything is as black and white as divorced/single/separated may seem.
Well, that's my story. Now y'all know it, too.  | |
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| Seperated is NOT single......or is it?
Posted: 9/28/2008 11:25:47 AM | | And being honest has just gained you a few more points of respect. The problem with dating a separated person is you never know what's going to happen with their X. In this case, you have a vengeful person making your life difficult. For some people that have gone through that, they might understand through experience, and be willing to "Take a chance" by dating you. I, personally, prefer to know that the other person is "Clear" to date so that should things progress beyond the dating stage, there's no outside interference. | |
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| Seperated is NOT single......or is it?
Posted: 9/28/2008 11:54:21 AM | Exactly! Everyone has a right to make an informed decision and it is up to them if
they want to "take a chance" or not. At least the cards are on the table. | |
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| Seperated is NOT single......or is it?
Posted: 11/1/2008 12:30:34 PM | Seperated is not single. The IRS cares about this distinction as does your health care provider.
I personally do not date anyone who claims they are seperated. I don't want or need the drama of that BS. Plus, who knows how subjective their seperation is. Are they seperated for the night, the weekend, the month?
I am divorced. Therefore when asked if I am single, I say I am divorced. Because to me, single implies never having been married. | |
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| Seperated is NOT single......or is it?
Posted: 11/1/2008 5:24:11 PM |
single implies never having been married.
That is an interesting spin. Single = sole; one; alone. If you are divorced, you are also single. No implication needed - you are single. How you got there is not all that significant in the grand scheme of things - if you are not married, you are single. If you are not divorced, you are married.
Why is this such a complicated concept? | |
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| Seperated is NOT single......or is it?
Posted: 11/2/2008 8:34:31 AM | Some of it is just semantics...I list myself as separated because that is the stage of the process we are in. However, I am emotionally single. Nothing has been finalized simply because of finances and health insurance. That and doing this the "Do It Yourself" method has it's own hurdles.
When meeting people that are separated the only thing I consider is how long have they been separated and where are they emotionally with process. Is it so new that they are bitter or angry? Are they truly ready to move on? If not sorry but I didn't sign up to be a support counselor or a referee.
Maybe I am lucky that my ex and I don't have any drama and the kids are secure in the process. After 20 years of knowing each other we do have a certain level of friendship. We have met each others bf/gf if it was serious enough and it works.
We refuse to be each others "evil" ex and have both agreed that when the time comes (if we meet that "one and only") we will gladly push the process along. | |
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| Seperated is NOT single......or is it?
Posted: 11/2/2008 8:58:01 AM | ^^^^^^^
To answer, IMO:
Divorced = Used to be Married
Single = Never Married.
I want to know upfront as would most people. It makes a difference to some of us. I look at Divorces as battle scars and learning tools. I doubt I would date a woman that was never married or didn't at least have a kid at this stage in my life. | |
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| Seperated is NOT single......or is it?
Posted: 11/15/2008 9:27:19 AM | I had to weigh in on this one because it has affected how I do things on this site. I am a moral and conservative person. I believe in marriage and once it is over, you move on. It cannot be truly over and closed until those official papers are signed. Speaking for me only, I would be devastated if I started dating someone ( and mybe fell for)who was separated, (no matter how long, legally or otherwise) and they suddenly changed their minds or decided to stay married for any reason. I had this happen to me and it changed my perspective. There are many really nice men on here that I would love to talk to and meet, but when I see separated, I get spooked and can't do it.
They are, for any reason, STILL MARRIED and in my eyes it is not right for ME. I wish all of you the same as I do for myself, a successful and wonderful, fulfilling relationship. Get your closure, all of it, and I would be glad to talk with you. Everyone has baggage and a past, but when we let go of the past and come onto this site, it is with eyes looking and hearts going forward. For me, that means no ties to another person at all.
Micci
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| Seperated is NOT single......or is it?
Posted: 12/6/2008 6:59:49 AM | | Once I find The One, I want to be married again and I won't put my dreams on hold because the guy is too cheap, stubborn or stupid to become legally free of his wife. | |
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| Seperated is NOT single......or is it?
Posted: 12/23/2008 10:21:05 AM | It would be nice if life were convenient, but it's messy. I have lived separately for 3 years, filed for divorce 2 years ago and am still in the process, waiting for additional trial dates in an incredibly hostile, painful, costly scenario. Now if you prefer to call that "Married", be my guest. Regardless of my status, there is no turning back, something which people who are separated sometimes pursue.
If nobody wants to date me until my divorce papers are signed that is their business and their choice. Guess what, there is no magical healing on the day it is final, it's a process (which I have already began).
I do note that more women list they are separated than men and that they presume it's okay to date. Perhaps men take more liberties with their status. | |
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| Seperated is NOT single......or is it?
Posted: 12/23/2008 6:25:55 PM | There are a lot of reasons for a divorce, lack of consortium, physical abuse, emotional abuse, denying a person access to financial records/assets, the list is extensive.
If you are LEGALLY SEPARATED you certainly are FREE TO DATE AND FIND SOMEONE ELSE! But it depends on the state where you live so check out your state divorce statutes.
Also this is the U.s. and there is no public stoning or executions for dating when you are separated like theocracies or states where women are denied fundamental human rights. Women in many states are treated like property or children in many developing nations, but here we allow our people regardless of gender to be free and do as they like. Sex is not a crime outside of marriage if you are separated, but check on your state laws before you do it. Above all, just check with your ex to see if it is ok for both of you to move on and have relations with another person so that no one gets hurt.
Of course some people are influenced by religious and social pressures not to start a relationship until they are divorced. Most of you are all avoiding the big issue here...
The reason for a legal separation is to give you time -- generally one year in most states --- to get over the emotional trauma of the breakup. After that, if you are ready to start a relationship, please do. Life is short, sometimes people cannot wait five years for the lawyers to finalize the paperwork. Go ahead find a new person, I will judge you not. It is your own business what you do, and I just hope all of you find that inner happiness and tranquility again.
I think all the best people on the dating scene tend to have just passed their one year separation mark. Like when we were in our 20s, the good ones get taken very quickly. If you meet a separated man or women date them, don't worry about the logistics so much! Just make sure that their marriage is indeed quite over, and that the ex really doesn't not expect a reconciliation.
Go ahead...fall in love again...you are only alive once, this is not a dress rehearsal. God loves you and you won't go to hell for getting a divorce! Honestly, just rebuild your life and go on. | |
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chubro
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Joined: 7/16/2008
Msg: 65 | |
| Seperated is NOT single......or is it?
Posted: 12/27/2008 2:58:16 PM | | I am big on this question also. Seperated is married. As a man, I still hold true the idea of being married, means you are married, love, sickness, whatever. I have meet many women in my area who have said they were divorced, or going thru a divorce, or seperated, when infact they were trying to get back together, or still living together and sometimes in same bed, while seperated.. Seperated is a legal contract still if the couple wishes, but think many just go along with whatever, I myself nevered dated or even had a 1 night stand while my divorce took 2 years.. I was too busy getting my daughter off to school, ect. Working 3 jobs to keep my soon-to-be-ex on my health insurance. Didn't bother me none, because doing what a man is supposed to do. Take care of things.. I have found that these women who call themselves seperated, really just testing the waters to see whats better out there or just want to forget about the partner and live their onw life, while screwing up each others heads, hearts, and not the mention the poor kids. Gota protect the kids..... I got more to say on this topic from personal experience | |
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chubro
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Joined: 7/16/2008
Msg: 66 | |
| Seperated is NOT single......or is it?
Posted: 12/27/2008 2:58:50 PM | | I am big on this question also. Seperated is married. As a man, I still hold true the idea of being married, means you are married, love, sickness, whatever. I have meet many women in my area who have said they were divorced, or going thru a divorce, or seperated, when infact they were trying to get back together, or still living together and sometimes in same bed, while seperated.. Seperated is a legal contract still if the couple wishes, but think many just go along with whatever, I myself nevered dated or even had a 1 night stand while my divorce took 2 years.. I was too busy getting my daughter off to school, ect. Working 3 jobs to keep my soon-to-be-ex on my health insurance. Didn't bother me none, because doing what a man is supposed to do. Take care of things.. I have found that these women who call themselves seperated, really just testing the waters to see whats better out there or just want to forget about the partner and live their onw life, while screwing up each others heads, hearts, and not the mention the poor kids. Gota protect the kids..... I got more to say on this topic from personal experience | |
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chubro
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Joined: 7/16/2008
Msg: 67 | |
| Seperated is NOT single......or is it?
Posted: 12/27/2008 3:09:44 PM | | Jen you and I see things the same. Marriage should not be taken lightly, and if it is, and if a legal or non-legal seperation occurs, then those people view this as the same, with no respect for themselves or the person whey NOW for the moment want to be with. This is all about getting the fix people need now, not looking at themselves and understanding their situation and living truefully. I did things with friends, guys and women, whome I knew during the marriage days, but I did not start dating until my daughter was old enough and my responsibilites were in check, and my own heart and mind is now out of the past, no bitterness, no shame, but now feel good to enjoy company of a women again.. Don't get me wrong, I have had my fun, but now I want a more personal relationship.. I actually fell that my best is yet to come,, but its taken 4 years.. | |
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| Seperated is NOT single......or is it?
Posted: 12/27/2008 4:38:57 PM | | Well thats your experience. If the vows of sickness ,health and so on were so sacred then there would'nt be a divorce to begin with ,pretty sure all kinds of words like "till death do us part" occur. Trying to honor the remaining vows is kinda like getting that diet coke with your super size meal,the damage is done. | |
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| Seperated is NOT single......or is it?
Posted: 12/29/2008 9:05:12 AM | | I think it's a sticky situation. People separate for different reasons, although I think one should be honest about being "separated". In some cases, people have legitimate reasons for postponing a divorce. I knew one guy who was "separated" but had a stepson with a heart problem, so he wouldn't finalize the divorce until the stepson turned 23, the age when he was no longer eligible to be carried on his military benefits. I think if you know that from the outset, it's okay, but again people should be honest and upfront with you from the beginning so that you can make an informed choice if it is something you want to pursue or not. | |
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| Separated is NOT single......or is it?
Posted: 12/30/2008 8:18:20 PM | | The legal distinction between "separated" and "legally separated" are vast and the reasons for a legal separation i.e. no-fault divorce are understandable. By the same token, my first question when someone says they are separated is, legally separated or mentally separated and is your spouse separated too??? Ok its not that funny, but its amazing how many "separated" people there are that live with their spouses who are unbeknowingly separated!! | |
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| Separated is NOT single......or is it?
Posted: 1/23/2009 8:20:58 PM | I put my 2 cents in early on with this subject. After reading all the responses dissecting the "labels" and "definitions", maybe this is about something else...
Maybe its about reading a profile, meeting someone, and then the "story" changing. I think it happens alot with "current status" as well as other parts of online dating profiels. Someone lists themsevles as divorced, becuase in their mind they are - they are never going back. After a few conversations or a couple dates you hear more of the story and technically speaking they are not divorced, etc....
It all leads back to trust. Your mind wanders. If they were not "perfectly clear" (I am not saying they lied!) on the issue of current status, is there anything else I need to ask this person?
Thats where it goes for me. If what is said in a person's profile doesn't match what they say after meeting them - do I trust them? | |
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| Separated is NOT single......or is it?
Posted: 1/24/2009 1:49:51 PM | What's the difference between not being up front about your marital status as it would be if you listed yourself as taller or skinny if you're really a few extra pounds? I fail to see any at all.
If you can not take a good hard look at yourself and then post an honest profile based on the truth then do not be surprised by rejection after the fact.
Who the hell wants to find out later that you're really not Divorced, but Separated waiting to go through all the nasty steps of becoming Divorced? I'd want to know if you've been married before and Divorced, it's a different situation than being Single your whole life and your experiences will vary.
I'd want to know that and go into a relationship with BOTH my eyes open to the facts so anything less than the REAL truth is deception. I would like to decide for myself if I care to get involved in a sticky situation like that. That's really not that much to ask considering you would want to be judged by who you are honestly in a relationship. | |
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| Seperated is NOT single......or is it?
Posted: 1/31/2009 9:48:37 PM |
No, Separated is still married but not with your SO. That's not Divorced nor Single.
OK to the hard core legalist.. and everyone else
How does one define the term "Single" --- as in not in a relationship? If so, if you are divorced you can certainly put "single".. A piece of paper that says you're married doesn't mean sh*t.. it's just "official/legal" acknowledgment of a union/relationship. That paper isn't a testament about how you feel about someone. To get that paper all you did was go down to an office, prove your identity, and sign paperwork. The only reason why we treat marriage/divorce, etc. the way we do is because of what archaic "laws" have to say. The same law that says that, at one point history, I counted as 3/5 of a person when I'm CLEARLY a human being..
If you and your previous SO have moved on. Just because you didn't file a piece of paper doesn't say shit about your emotional availability. The real test of emotional availability, in fact, comes when you are with the next person. You can lie to yourself all you want and say whether you're ready or not. But without testing the waters..you'll never know. The divorce only means that you had the energy and time to sign more papers and documents and publicly declaring the end of this relationship (which I, might add, shouldn't have needed state approval to be in or recognition) . But then again , do I really give a shit if the "public" ( as in people who will be reviewing or looking at my documentation for every reason) really knows? anybody who is checking your public record for that isn't probably going to be involved with you no time soon..
Let's keep it real and stop bullshitting ourselves | |
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| Seperated is NOT single......or is it?
Posted: 2/5/2009 4:56:50 AM | The only person doing that is you. Did you NOT read any of the posts from the people that are Divorced already? It DOES make a difference... An emotional one when it's finally over. A sense of freedom and yet a feeling of sadness. Then there needs to a healing period...
The rest of us that have gone through this understand the difference. If you can find someone that's willing to date you throughout that ordeal, then you're doing excellent. The main thrust and point of most people's posts is that they want to KNOW, up front, what's in store for them if they do happen to take a liking to someone.
Again, that's really not too much to ask... | |
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| Seperated is NOT single......or is it?
Posted: 5/15/2009 9:00:45 PM | Seperated means seperated,single, divorced, you wish not to be with that person anymore because of the situation that brought you there in the first place.....Divorce is simply a legal word stating that you can get re-married.....But lets be honest most of us are afraid to get married again because of past pains and situations....It takes time to refocus your intentions, your heart, your mind......Divorce simply is just the next step of starting over.....But not the last step.....While we are being honest, it is important to remember to be honest with yourself and others around you, about your mind set and how your heart is feeling......Single is single but lonely is lonely....Divorced is divorced but does not neccessarily mean you are ready to start dating again......It takes time!!!!!
Ti Le An | |
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