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| Guys asking to meet with you immediately
Posted: 6/2/2008 7:22:09 AM | I guess the only thing you can do here is go with your gut/instinct.
Personally I would NOT be comfortable with meeting a stranger immediately after speaking with him. If men think that's just insane or irrational than so be it. I've been called worse in my day. But I'd rather be assumed "irrational" an be safe, than be "stupidly spontaneous" and find myself in a situation I will regret forever.
Ladies, don't EVER let a man force you into meeting until you are well and ready to do so. It's a crazy world out there and you have to look out for and protect yourself always. I know a lot of men out there think that woman who don't wanna meet right away are hiding something or just playing games ( i know that this has happened so I do understand for some of their reasoning) but hey...who cares what anyone else thinks??? When it comes to you being/feeling safe EVERYTHING else takes a back seat!!!! | |
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| Guys asking to meet with you immediately
Posted: 6/2/2008 7:31:40 AM | | I totally agree mate. I met a girl on here, we emailed tons of times, we also spent over 6 hours on the phone on 2 different occasions and we found each others pictures to be very attractive. She thought I was the man of her dreams, etc. We met up and it was not what I thought it would be. I felt totally dejected and drianed after all the effort and energy I put into those conversatons only to be left hanging in the end. Whats worse is that the girl invited me to her house on the first date and her little girl was there! For me I did not mind and I appreciated that she trusted me, but it was all a waste of time and it made me think very hard about this very subject. I have refined my profile a few times to try and attract the right woman, and after all this I have realised that it's probably best to have a few emails then if you trust the person is not a toatal wierdo, give out your mobile number and get talking. People should ideally meet up within the first week or 2, as spending too much time online or over the phone takes the mystery out off the person. You can turn up on the first date knowing the persons intire life story and then there is nothing left to talk about. The girl I went to meet answer was in the form of a txt message; "your not for me, there was no spark there, sorry"! That could sum up the whole point we are all trying to make here, that the 'spark' part, is all important and no amount of emails and telephone conversations will ever ensure success in the end. So get that first date out of the way quickly and keep the enigma intact, so in that way the spark that their looking for, may well be there when you meet if things are moved along at the right natural pace. Hope this helps guys and girls. It's all a learning experience for us, I feel like I have a phd in POF dating lol. Then again, it's all about perception. I'm still learning the game on here. guy's remember; 'think with your big head, and not your wee head', when contacting girls. Happy dating | |
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| Guys asking to meet with you immediately
Posted: 6/2/2008 7:32:39 AM | ok...this is my last few comments and I am done with this thread. My previous message was intended to be a reply to "Liana K"...she seems rational, intelligent, and mature. (I'm an inexperienced forum poster, my apologies.)
But this guy "lil red corvette".....is pretty impressive also! Too bad you don't live a little closer. I might consider meeting you immediately because you appear to be thoughtful, considerate, respectful...and fun. If women in your area don't appreciate you...then know I would be happy to develop a friendship with someone who has your outlook on this whole process...as it more closely matches my own. It's not about fear for me...few, if any, people intimidate me. It's about finding people to interact with that I find enjoyable. For me...a little communication is just preferrable to wasted time and unpleasant memories.
By the way....I looked at your profile, very nice. Sorry about mine, one day I will get in the mood to fix it. I have a "lil red Sky" but have a silver one waiting for me to pick it up in the next few weeks. (picture of car...available on request).......lol | |
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| Guys asking to meet with you immediately
Posted: 6/2/2008 7:34:55 AM | ru4real. You are right, what works for one may not work for another. I guess some of it could depend on the type of mate you are looking for. I am a very social person and wanted to date very social men. I LOVE people--find them so very interesting. I talk to everyone whereever I go--in the grocery store, at the gas station, etc. My LTRs tended to be with very quiet men and it just didn't work for me--well I should say it didn't work for them! I was fine with them, they wanted me to completely change--give up my friends, my social network, everything, and just stay home with them. I could not give up my entire personality/my life to make them happy and was quite surprised they would even ask--let alone demand. After my experiences I realized I was more suited to a very outgoing, social type who loves people, likes to do lots of things and just plain have lots of fun. These type of men do tend to be go-getters.
However there is more to it than just that. I was not very successful in my first 6 months of on-line dating. I moved a little slower, was a bit more fearful of what I might find. Eventually I realized IT DIDN'T WORK and decided that I must be doing something wrong. After all I was the common denominator in the equation so I took full responsibility for my own lack of success. I sat down and evaluated what was happening and realized meeting very soon was generally quite important to success. I mostly realized that on-line dating goes against what is human--the need for social contact and is the opposite of how we have been meeting mates for eons of time. I also realized that the way I 'operated" was from a negative frame of mind and that negativity was probably a big part of why I was having negative experiences. Time for a change. I decided to try to circumvent the on-line aspect and meet in real as soon as feasibly possible. And I realized that most of the time we won't click and it was not a bad thing seeing as we are 'picking' from a page on the internet! It no longer seemed negative--just real! I began having fun and became very successful. Met some great guys and VERY few not-so-great ones. And within 6 months met my bf. We became exclusive a few months after meeting and have now been dating for 13 months. We are very serious about a future together.
Was it just luck? I don't think so. Once my attitude changed, my experiences changed quite dramatically-and all for the better. | |
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| Guys asking to meet with you immediately
Posted: 6/2/2008 8:08:26 AM |
This site isn't working for me for that very reason. I've written all over my page (which I recently just took to bare essentials and considered deleting but I don't see a means) that I want to start as friends.
I think if you're looking to make friends first, then you're on the wrong site. The majority of men and women who join POF and other DATING SITES are here for that very reason - DATING.
If I met a woman here who said she wants to be friends first, then I too would just back off or not really make a big effort to maintain contact. There's several reasons why:
1) Women in my past who have wanted to be "friends first" generally used it as an excuse to reject me.
2) Most women I've encountered might do "friends first" as a means to truly get to know someone, but then they later can't see this man as a possible romantic thing because they can't discern that a lover can also be a friend...and thus run off quickly into a relationship with some "mysterious guy".
3) I've had women use the "friends" thing as a blanket term for someone they want to put on the back burner. Someone as a backup plan. I've had women friendzone me, spend years chasing horrible men, then suddenly claim how they always loved me AFTER they ended up knocked up and/or psychologically damaged.
Now I'm making things sound grim here. I do understand why some people would want to be "friends first" in the efforts to truly know someone. In all actuality, this is how things should be, but with too many men facing the friendzone and knowing they have no shot...this is why they opt to walk away. It's even why I tell women who want to find a BF, but do "friends first" that they should more adpot "taking things slow". It still means you're DATING, but it doesn't mean you have to be "putting out" anytime soon.
ru4real_iam and all the other "friends first" adopters, I suggest that you don't bother with dating sites and maybe try social clubs and meetup sites. Places where it is as you want. Where you can meet people without the "dating" banner up there and make new friends, possibly ones that will become more down the road.
I do agree that just because you want to take it slow doesn't mean you have to meet up immediately, but I will tell anyone that this site and other sites like it is meant as a means to connect people to one another. It's a dating site. People come here to meet people to go out on dates with. If you're the type who thinks weeks to months of emails is the only way you'll trust someone in a social setting, then you're better off not wasting your time and other people's time here.
In my opinion, I think 3 email exchanges is enough before you go on to something like phone numbers or meeting up. I think everyone should make use of messenger technologies (AIM, Yahoo, Skype, etc) and thus be able to chat with new prospects in real time as opposed to waiting for a reply. I think if you lose interest in someone, you should tell them and not just "vanish". I also personally think that these sites should eliminate the idea that people could come here to "make friends". Have social networks and such for that, but keep these sites either about finding love, dating, or even just intimate encounters (if that's what you're into). | |
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| Guys asking to meet with you immediately
Posted: 6/2/2008 10:37:40 AM | Hmm...See, I think of POF more as a people site. That's why you get the option of choosing "chat, intimate encounter, long term, friends, dating, hangout, etc." I guess you take from it what you will. Just as there are people who enjoy serial dating until they find "the one"..there are also people that might be more interested in friendship or taking things a little slower. Again...what's good for you or applies to you...certainly may not apply to me and if my profile reads "friends" at the top and you don't think you need friendship from a partner..then you are always willing to pass me by.
My issue is with people that see the friendship thing...claim they agree and then within a few emails..they seem desperate or needy. Why would I want to meet someone like that? I really think there are a lot of people missing a really important point here. If a woman tells you "this is what's important to me" or "I need a little time to get to know you" yet, you completely disregard that and push for something more...that really says a lot about how you might react when in a relationship, on any level. Where does that get either person? Neither is likely to change their mind, so why argue such a futile point....it's called Plenty of Fish for a reason! That's a compatibility issue.
I think there are some very nice men that are, like me, willing to take the time to determine if there's a basis for even meeting in the first place. Sadly..I think there are a lot more that really don't care what's on the inside of a person and are a lot more desperate/needy than is emotionally healthy. If coffee was ever "just coffee" then I'd have no problems with that...
If the person that started this thread was posting suggestive pictures..then yeah...that's advertising and I could see where that might get a few offers of "hey lets meet...now!"
I never saw her profile. My meetings just always seem to end in expectations of something more...and the fact is...if you aren't feelin it...I haven't found much yet that is gonna change that. So my policy is....slow and easy. I'm not out to have bad experiences with anyone.
Um....I didn't really post to this to argue so maybe I'll just try another forum. It's unbelievable what you can find here....important stuff like "I'm having trouble farting and pooping around new people. Is something wrong with me? " See...intellectuals dealing with the fundamental issues of male/female relationships.... | |
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| Guys asking to meet with you immediately
Posted: 6/2/2008 11:28:25 AM | ru4real_iam, I completely understand your view and what you're getting at. I don't think there is anything wrong with you wanting to just be friends with a guy for a while and then let it build into a relationship. My reply was more aimed at showing what I believe is the true male mentality and logic when it comes to sites like POF, Match, OnePlusYou, Lavalife, etc.
Too many guys (including me) have seen only a negative result to women who tried to start things off as friends. We either see her suddenly go against her own words and get into a quick relationship with some other guy, or nature sets in and she can't seem to fathom a good friend as a potential boyfriend, or she strings the guy along until she's got no other options for men, thus now claiming love.
I AM NOT SAYING THIS IS YOU. I'm merely suggesting to women with your standpoint and opinion that a dating site maybe isn't the place for you to find those guy friends you want, especially when logic shows most men on here are more out to find a girlfriend or at least a lay.
I think it's wrong for a guy to accept your friendship and then proceed to push you into being "more" when you want to take your time. It's why I tell guys when you get the "let's just be friends" and you like this woman as more, then just cut ties and move on. In my opinion unless you're willing to totally let go of the ideas of dating her, then you're better off not wasting her time or yours.
I know there are wonderful couples that started off as friends, but compare that small amount to the very large amount of men and women who see "friend" as someone they will never fathom for a relationship, then it only goes to show why "let's just be friends" is seen as more an end than a beginning.
This is why I suggested more social network sites and meetup sites. Take the "dating element" out of there so the guys there may try to hit on you, but they won't be thinking you're there to find a boyfriend (unless they are clueless). I know that when I first signed up to POF, my goal was to meet women for dating and possibly a relationship, nothing else. Yes I want my true love to also be a good friend, but until I see society change it's logic that "friend" means someone you will never be intimate with, then men like me have to accept that "let's just be friends" or "friends first" is rejection and thus reason to move on. | |
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| Guys asking to meet with you immediately
Posted: 6/2/2008 1:50:33 PM | Grkboy, you make a lot of sense. The one thing that most of the poeple want is to be successful on this site--for whatever success means for each person. Anyone who sounds negative is almost certainly so because they have not been all that successful. If they were successful they wouldn't be negative! I have always been the type to blame myself rather than anyone else, plus when you fail with multiple people it tends to point back to oneself as being the one who needs to change since the only common denominator is oneself! I quit blaming on-line dating sites and men and decided to just adapt to what WORKED for me, caused me to become more successful. This meant listening to men and how they generally think.
What a difference it made!
One problem I have found repeatedly on-line and in relationships is that men think about problems with women from a man's viewpoint and women think about problems with men from a women's viewpoint. None of us can help it since we are what we are lol, but it is a great help (through forums like these) for women to be able to see the man's viewpoint and for men to see the woman's viewpoint--at least as much as we are capable of. They ARE all valid viewpoints after all. If you want to be more successful with the opposite sex it is nice to know how and what they are thinking. We should all be thankful to have forums like this where we can learn.
I agree with ru4real in that I don't necessarily see POF as just a dating site however. The forums are very interesting and there are people here to meet friends only or to just get into interesting 'conversations'. Have attended several POF functions and had a great time! I would suggest them to anyone just plain for the fun! | |
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| Guys asking to meet with you immediately
Posted: 6/2/2008 2:16:38 PM | I have meet guys pretty quickly and then I have given it a long time. In both cases...its always sucked. I am still here and single with lots of bad first date stories. Welcome. | |
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| Guys asking to meet with you immediately
Posted: 6/2/2008 2:39:29 PM | I do agree with Destiny's words on seeing things from the other side of the gender equation.
I understand when a woman wants to get to know a guy electronically for a while before handing out a means for him to contact her personally. However, I wish women at least would understand how much competition men have on these sites to keep the interest of the women, maybe even just adopted to tell the guy when she's not interested anymore rather than just vanishing.
I also understand the fears on handing out a number before a face to face. Heard of a few occasions where the woman would tell him after the first date that she's not interested in him any deeper, and he'll turn into a bloody psycho, texting her mean messages and leaving her angry voice mails. However, I wish women who do want to be "friends first" would understand the plight many decent men have been on when "friends first" became "friendzone" and some other guy got to bypass "friends first" and go right into relationship.
I think in the end, the competition men have to face for the women on these sites combined with the realistic fears women face of meeting psychos, married men, and other liars is why these sites in my opinion just plain suck. When I tried using POF and other sites, I found that I'd email women I found very appealing both in looks and personality only to get nothing out of it, while the few replies were women I wasn't feeling too much of a connection on, but emailed because maybe they had some characteristics I liked. In the end, the few dates ended up being blah and no chemistry happened, thus why I just got to the point where it's one in a million chance of finding an ideal mate here.
I don't knock the women who want to be friends first nor the guys who want to meet ASAP. I just agree with Destiny that both sides should try to see things from the opposite gender, so guys can realize why women are very cautious and women realize why guys want to "seal the deal" ASAP. | |
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| Guys asking to meet with you immediately
Posted: 6/2/2008 10:52:26 PM | Definitins of Immediately: (from the web, feel free to search yourselves)
Without delay.
Without an intermediary; directly: met with the parties immediately involved in the suit.
conj. As soon as; directly: They phoned immediately as they reached home.
When I refer to guys asking me to meet them immediately from this web site... its literally ones that offer within the first 20 minutes of chatting... for the first time. They want to meet at that moment/ hour. They arent open to the idea of meeting the next day, or a few days from now. They also always have a excuse for why you should say yes and reject any reason you give for saying no. "warning warning" in my mind.
I hope most of you guys posting in this forum dont act that way. But most guys on this web site, dont bother with forums either.
I'm talking about the majority who seem to want to meet right away, with out the best intensions. Not the minority, or the 'few good men' that do want more and are serious about meeting for something 'genuine'. But you guys probably arent the ones saying 'meet me right now' You are the ones who will be okay if a girl says 'no not at this very moment but how about tomorrow or next weekend?'
If this was 'whats your dating style' I'd respond with answers like most everyone has above. But I didnt feel thats what this forum topic was about. I thought it was being more specific.
As for those girls who dont like to talk on the phone right away and are worried about giving out your number, your choice. I understand that as I know some girls get some freaky callers on here.
Myself, I prefer to talk on the phone before meeting. I've had guys lie about their age, nationality, their smoking, who they do or dont live with etc. You find out a lot hearing the guys voice.... or the answering machine  I give only my cell phone number to the ones I feel comfortable with. And if I ever had a issue I'd just change my phone number. However ... I think everyone can see I got no issue putting my foot down and scare them off... and I'm perfectly okay with that!
Just like someone else above said, do it only if it feels comfortable for YOU! Not him/ or her. So nothing more to say on the subject.  and good luck to you all. | |
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| Guys asking to meet with you immediately
Posted: 6/3/2008 11:31:37 AM | I may be wrong, but this site is for meeting people. Not a database for penpals. Not said with any malice at all, but it's much better to talk to a person face to face. You can see the body language. You can see more than just a single .jpg. Let a bit of comfort build, and the meeting for coffee isn't a bad idea. No need to exchange email addresses, phone numbers, last names. Just meeting for coffee is the way to go.
Nobody has more than one coffee. Easy way to make things short if needed. If it goes well, that's when some of the other information can be exchanged. If the meeting is out for coffee, most likely the guy isn't just looking for sex; they want to meet who they have been talking to.
Besides, have you ever tried to have sex in the Starbuck's bathroom? Kidding! | |
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| Guys asking to meet with you immediately
Posted: 6/13/2008 7:21:39 PM | This is SORT of on the subject. My name is Judith, I live in OKC,OKLA. I'm a 50 year old teacher. WELL, I WISH I could get someone to ask me out. I send out emails, we exchange one or two times, and THAT'S IT. SOMEONE TELL ME IF I LOOK LIKE SASQUATCH and I don't know it. I need young people's answers on this I guess. I wish I had the problem of having someone ask me out too soon, at least I could solve the problem easier than this. I've been told that I come on too smart. WELL, DO I HAVE TO DUMB DOWN TO GET A DATE, EVEN?? These guys are about my age; however, I don't understand why I've had more offers from 20-30 somethings rather than my own age group. I haven't done this in a long time, and before it was pretty brief, also. Somebody help me, please. Be brutally honest and objective. | |
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| Guys asking to meet with you immediately
Posted: 6/13/2008 7:32:34 PM | ^^go the profile review threads for this question. They'll probably give you some good advice.
OT: The sooner we see someone face-to-face and cut through the email disqualifying or the fantasy-building the better. | |
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| Guys asking to meet with you immediately
Posted: 6/13/2008 9:50:25 PM | | I have had guys insist on meeting during the initial email. and really get mad when i refuse. They say, "your on here to meet, lets meet", at a point where i dont even know if we have anything in common. Just the other night, a guy, almost 2 hours from me, wanted to come to meet me. and when I had questions, and didnt feel right about meeting a complete stranger, he accused me of looking for sex only. I wouldnt meet him, therefore I was a slut. I am so tired of that attitude. The internet is like dating these days. We get to find out about people, how well do they match us, personality, habit wise. I will not meet someone I dont think is appropriate, and I wont know that until we chat, a while. You can get a lot of info from chatting. Like the guy I spoke of previously, he had a thing about getting what he wanted, when he wanted. otherwise, he wouldnt have gotten so angry and nasty toward me. He showed me how impatient and self absorbed he was, that my feelings and concerns, didnt matter at all. It was all about him, what he wanted. bull****. through emails, parts of the personality do come through. Alone at home, baring your soul, deep thoughts to someone, how they interpret that, or respond, tells me alot about that person. I dont date strangers. | |
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| Guys asking to meet with you immediately
Posted: 6/13/2008 9:59:19 PM | | Meeting is the whole point in dating isn't it. Who wants to send endless emails when a phone conversation will suffice. Some people are busy and have better things to do than sit in front of a computer typing. You miss every shot you don't take. | |
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| Guys asking to meet with you immediately
Posted: 6/13/2008 10:08:05 PM | there are many reasons to meet quickly. Why wait anyway? As long as you meet in a public place.
1. There is lots of competition and anotehr guy could scoop you up. You snooze, you lose.
2. Not everyone is a psycho or a murder. We are all over 18 I assume on POF and are seemingly mature adults. As long as you meet in a public place with lots of people you should be fine.
3. The sooner yopu meet the soone ryou cna either have a relationship or decide you are not right for eachother and find someone else without breaking any hearts.
I'll never figure out why some women go on a dating site are are afraid to meet someone in person. That's the whole point. to met someone. And you cna;t judge someone by a crappy photo taken with a camera phone or a disposable or a webcam. Or even soem good camera form some angle. You have to meet them in person and talk to them. I figure I can say hi, they respond and if interested we cna go out for coffee the very next day. Or even that night. | |
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| Guys asking to meet with you immediately
Posted: 6/14/2008 10:57:00 AM | [He states he is handsome and a professional in his line of work. Must admit he had me going so I met him at McDonalds for coffee.]
Professionals don't meet at McDonalds.. lol. Sorry but that had me fall outta my chair. Playboy? I think.. not. Cheap and probably married with grown kids, shoulda tossed him into the ball section and let him play with the little kiddies. ha | |
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| Guys asking to meet with you immediately
Posted: 6/14/2008 12:10:12 PM | some times meeting right away is a good thing since you can get lost on this date thing and become a chat ho. But for some meeting too quick is not good due to bad experiances they have had. but if you have never had any bad experiances then meeting up fron is good just make it ain public places during the day.
I do agree if the person writes you for the first time and leave a number, beware to that person, it shows a little imaturity and on that part this person is a little pushy.
id say maybe after a few chats back and forth id make a meeting time and do it quick because there are too many choices that can hold you back. | |
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| Guys asking to meet with you immediately
Posted: 6/14/2008 12:25:15 PM | ha ha..Your pic shows a attractive girl..SO WHY r guys wanting to meet u?? ummm ..bingo..your first thought of reason is right..TO GET u in the sheets lol...If thats what u want go for it..IF NOT..mOVE ON...NORMAL guys dont want a hot girl for just friends if they could have more..Just becareful..good luck.. | |
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| Guys asking to meet with you immediately
Posted: 6/14/2008 12:28:58 PM | I dont see it as unreasonable for a woman to be scared of meeting completely instantly.
however there's a trade off,
the longer it takes the more likely people get emotionally attached to a picture that is an incomplete picture of someone and worse potentially extrapolate known data into the gaps.
Unless by chance you're a perfect match, doing that kind of thing is either disastrous or you're in danger of being taken advantage of. | |
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| Guys asking to meet with you immediately
Posted: 6/14/2008 1:07:41 PM | | I think chatting and emailing for a short time is fine. It helps me to determine if I want to go the next level of knowing who she is. I can usually get some idea of if want to. However, that is not always, lol, used to chat with someone for at least a year or two just fine out, that she had some attitude type issues and I was not attracted to her. | |
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| Guys asking to meet with you immediately
Posted: 6/15/2008 12:44:14 AM | | Hey there Calichick25...no wat u mean babe...wouldn't u rather get to no someone a bit more b4 numbers r excahnged. And if u disagree and dont call the abusive u get is a complete turn off! | |
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| Guys asking to meet with you immediately
Posted: 6/15/2008 4:33:44 AM |
I may be wrong, but this site is for meeting people. Not a database for penpals. Not said with any malice at all, but it's much better to talk to a person face to face. You can see the body language. You can see more than just a single .jpg. Let a bit of comfort build, and the meeting for coffee isn't a bad idea. No need to exchange email addresses, phone numbers, last names. Just meeting for coffee is the way to go.
Exactly, in the past I used to cave to these single ladies request of, "I'm not comfortable ye" or "Just a little longer, please" only winding up waiting forever.
Why? Because I didn't want to be "pushy". Eventually, after the 2nd or 3rd time asking them out again, and witht hem still making lame excuses....I say, "Listen, we going to do this or what?!"
And then they get ticked off, call you pushy, and to not bother them again. | |
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