| why do men have a big problem with me not wanting to bring them to my house for awhile after we
Posted: 5/26/2008 4:05:58 PM | I agree that kids deserve their home to be protected and safe. They also deserve to have a mom (or dad) who is happy. How hard is it to be online, talk on the phone, and get together outside of the home a bit before you introduce the new person to your kids? My kids are 6 and 10, and both very excited that their mom has finally met someone wonderful from this site- but they have yet to meet him and this is not going to happen just yet. Let your kids know gradually that there is someone special, and that if things keep going so well everyone will meet and spend time together. The alone time should happen when the kids are out of the house.
It isn't all that complicated. | |
|
| why do men have a big problem with me not wanting to bring them to my house for awhile after we
Posted: 5/26/2008 5:56:30 PM | This is in reply to "const. guy"....I cannot speak for the other single mothers out there, but if I am seeing someone for 6 months, they have at least been on the phone with me while I have had to discipline my kids.
Kids fall in love so fast. They love the sitter who has watched them once. They love the neighbor kid who gave them an icecream. They love their teachers after only a few hours a day for 9 months. They need to be shielded from falling for every man I meet. I am a big girl and can look out for myself.....it is my duty and resposibility to look out for them, too.
It is not about hiding a part of myself from the man, it is about emotionally (even physically, if you want to go there) protecting and taking good care of my children. I made the mistake, once, of going against my 6 month rule, and introduced him into their lives. Our relationship lasted for about a year, and we were close to each others children. When he decided to play elsewhere and it ended, my kids felt as if they had lost an important person in their lives....and they had. That relationship ended, totally over, no calls, no contact, no nada, in 2004...my now 8 yr old son still, in 2008!- misses his boys,and my now 5 yr old daughter still sometimes asks if we can go visit him....now my 6 month rule would not have helped them much in this case, as his infidelity didn't come out until 11 months into it, but it would have been 6 months LESS close they would have been. Kids of single parents are already at a disadvantage, due to the divorce itself, no matter how amicable......what right do I have to put my social life-with some guy who is not patient enough to understand the mind or heart of a child- above their well-being, or even above their hurt feelings? | |
|
| why do men have a big problem with me not wanting to bring them to my house for awhile after we
Posted: 5/26/2008 7:33:19 PM | what right do I have to put my social life-with some guy who is not patient enough to understand the mind or heart of a child- above their well-being, or even above their hurt feelings
This makes sense, but as you say the 6 month rule didn't apply here anyway.....and therefore I submit it is not a rule to live by. Why are you on a dating site, if not for the potential to meet someone and have that social life you mentioned? And why is it even involving your kids? Are you not looking for an adult relationship? I am going to suggest that the rule of 1 month, 2 months, 6- whatever- before you bring in your kids is never going to protect them from losing and missing that person who might leave you and them. But maybe the next guy is NOT going to leave.....why have rules preset that put these conditions and pressures on him unfairly.
I am going through an extrememly amicable divorce, and I disagree with you that ALL single parent kids are at a disadvantage- that line of thinking is outdated and wrong. A happy home is not only comprised of two parents of the opposite sex, 2.5 kids and a dog. | |
|
| why do men have a big problem with me not wanting to bring them to my house for awhile after we
Posted: 5/27/2008 7:32:53 PM | | I have only had this happen once and it's with someone I met here on POF. He was a bit peeved that I wouldn't invite him to my home. I too keep my children (teenagers) and dating as to different entities until I know where the relationship is headed. I would never in a million years have an overnight guest and any man that does not respect that obviously is not worth my time. | |
|
| why do men have a big problem with me not wanting to bring them to my house for awhile after we
Posted: 6/1/2008 7:16:22 PM | | I was just reading the comments up above and I disagree with the 6+ months. I'd have to agree with what was said about not being truthful if you have to wait that long before you find out whether or not that person has issues with their children or any other children. I think that if I am going to find out half a year down the road, I'm hitting the road. There is not clearly defined time frame, but I say 6 months is way too long. You go through 2 complete seasons in that amount of time!!! | |
|
| |
| |
| |
| |
| why do men have a big problem with me not wanting to bring them to my house for awhile after we
Posted: 8/28/2008 9:50:53 PM | | I get what you are pointing out. But dating has changed in many ways then it was 20-30 years ago. We have now interenet dating which open up a whole new avenue. There are alot of dishonest people here in the internet world. So one has to use more caution when it comes to dating and letting them know where you live. In today's time you have to be more selective about who you bring home. There must be a established built up of communication and trust before making that step. I not only make these choices for my children but also for myself and wellbeing. | |
|
| why do men have a big problem with me not wanting to bring them to my house for awhile after we
Posted: 8/29/2008 4:00:08 AM | From a parent point of view and as discussed on previous post, I do not want to potentially create havoc in the life of my child by bringing a stranger in their eyes.
But I would not bring someone I don’t completely trust into their life in the first place.
It means that we may have dated for quite a while, or if not officially dated, be close enough to be good friends, having chatted at length about most things so that I know she would be a great companion.
If some men get offended by the fact that you do not wish to let them meet your children at first, it might show a lack of maturity, and maybe highlight a single track mind behaviour –
Moreover, they should understand your needs and your way of living, be respectful of how you operate - be respectful of you.
If they cannot, then it was not meant to be –
My motto being to accept people as they are, without any intention to change them, if I am not comfortable with them, all I have to do is move on.
I obviously expect the same in return (which does not mean that I would not put everything I have to put into a relationship).
So Basically, I hope that you’ll find someone who is smart enough to understand your reasons (which I find perfectly grounded btw), and knows that children do come first – It is called being mature and responsible -
On the other topic mentioned before i.e single mums or single dad looking for a dad or mum for their kids:
I really don’t get it.
One would obviously look for a partner who would be a raw model to their children, but that goes without saying –
But truthfully, one does not require ANYONE else to raise one’s own children.
I think this is also true for the majority of single parents I know and who are on the look out for a serious relationship. | |
|
| why do men have a big problem with me not wanting to bring them to my house for awhile after we
Posted: 8/29/2008 10:02:32 PM | Just tell them right off. I've found you get two responses. One is that they understand and are totally fine with it (so now you can go meet them and not worry about it). The other is that they start telling you WHY you should think differently and how they've met other women's kids early on and it was fine.
Don't meet those ones! It's not a good fit. It's not a right/wrong thing - but it means you may find yourself discussing the issue again and again. Not a good way to start things off.
I've dated a few men since I got back into dating in January. None of them have met my kids and none had a problem with that. | |
|
| |
| why do men have a big problem with me not wanting to bring them to my house for awhile after we
Posted: 8/30/2008 7:40:26 AM | To me, there is not a time limit, nor a rigid schedule for introductions to the kids. I trust my instincts and judgment about when it is appropriate. If the time comes that my kids should meet someone I've been dating, then I will introduce that person as my friend. If they move out of my life, it's really no different than my kids meeting a casual friend. Maybe this takes months, maybe weeks. All situations are different.
Me, I'd like to find out before 6 months if this person is compatible with my kids (or I with theirs). This is something I prefer to do away from the house at a park, pizza joint, etc.
All these so called "rules of dating" are a joke. There are no rules. Each situation will dictate what actions are prudent to take. Honestly, if it takes you 6 months to realize whether or not they're a keeper, I'd say throw 'em back. You should have known long before then. | |
|
| why do men have a big problem with me not wanting to bring them to my house for awhile after we
Posted: 8/30/2008 1:39:27 PM | i have this exact problem lol, i believe that it should be kept seperate i do not want my kids meeting people who may not be apart of there lives so i wouldnt bring some one home when they are there my boys are 8 and 4 when i try and explain this men look at me like i have two heads cant they see we are just being good mums....... they would call us if we took randem men around our kids. stick to it hun you protecting ur kids and thats all that matters i believe ill know a man is right as he will be the one who understands xx  | |
|
| why do men have a big problem with me not wanting to bring them to my house for awhile after we
Posted: 8/31/2008 3:50:02 PM | | It depends are they wanting to come round when your kids are in bed?? You have not specified. Nor do I know the ages of your children to judge what sort of bed time they might have.... my children are 2 and 4 (well almost lol) they go to bed at 6pm (they get up at 6am) so I know if I want to invite someone round on a night or after a date I can as they will be blissfully unaware that anyone other than me is in the house.....however if they are wanting to come round during the day or when they kids will be awake then I agree with you, it is on your time scale and your time scale only!! Only when you are comfortable with doing the introductions.... | |
|
| why do men have a big problem with me not wanting to bring them to my house for awhile after we
Posted: 8/31/2008 4:25:10 PM | Man does not want a woman to see his home early in the relationship...
Oh he is married and just looking for a fbuddy
He is lying about things and lives with his mom
He actually lives in a trailer park
Why is it that women in general think the above?
If the woman does not want to show a man her home
It is for the kids...
And of course the guy is not supposed to think that you are married/live with mom or anything
What if this was a guy you met somewhere other than the internet? Does that make you feel "safer" Say it is a guy you met at the grocery store. Would you make him wait longer than a guy from POF...and be honest...
I have a couple female friends who did just that. Met him somewhere other than online and it is ok for them to see where they live after a couple weeks...Meet him online and it is 6 months....
What gives? | |
|
| why do men have a big problem with me not wanting to bring them to my house for awhile after we
Posted: 8/31/2008 4:43:55 PM | huh huh!
fair point, fair point...
6 months?
But seriously, It depends on trust, right?
if someone is looking for a f/buddy, they can just state that or look on sites which cater for sex encounters only -
Same for trailer parks...
It depends on the situation, and how upfront people are, how much you believe them...
because it is the lying which gets everybody down...
Girl, online, good feeling about things = date soon BECAUSE I'd like to work out if there is chemistry.
But kids involved...sorry mate, it will take longer before they get introduced.
as said before, I don't want them to get close to someone until I am satisfied that I am making the right choice(s).
When you are involved, and it is your life on the line, fine - do as you wish, see if I care.
But kids, safety first, period! | |
|
| why do men have a big problem with me not wanting to bring them to my house for awhile after we
Posted: 8/31/2008 5:08:24 PM | What about girl, at work, meets cute guy who works next door? You have lunches and things together...does this still equal 6 months?
Take the internet out of the equation and people act differently..
Example, I got crap from my relatives for internet dating...they ask why can't you meet someone not on the internet? I ask then what is the difference...they say because it is the internet...
Sigh..
I am a father with at least one child in my house 51 weeks of the year... | |
|
| why do men have a big problem with me not wanting to bring them to my house for awhile after we
Posted: 8/31/2008 5:36:01 PM | | I've been a counselor for 18 years and a single mom for 17 so...here's what I think and what I've learned from the kids I've worked with. Pedophiles prey on people and organizations that put them in contact with children. Most people, women included, aren't pedophiles but they are out there. This type of situation happened to a friend of mine who wasn't as cautious as you. If a man had a problem with any aspect of how I raised my children he would be out of my life immediately. Plus, kids don't need revolving door boyfriends. I chose to stop dating 17 years ago because I wanted my child to grow up in a private home. It also made me life easier as I could focus on her, my career, and myself. | |
|
| |
Home
login 
