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| Why do women do this?
Posted: 5/16/2008 10:30:32 AM |
So what you're saying is, "don't smile or approach me in public, be it the grocery store, library, bookstore, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse.
Smile at me all you want, but when I'm at the grocery store buying peanut butter and tampons I'm not out trolling for a date. If I'm at the library, I'm there to get books. If I'm at the bookstore, I'm shopping. If I smile back at you, don't stalk me and assume that means I want your weenie in me ASAP. | |
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| Why do women do this?
Posted: 5/16/2008 12:08:33 PM | OP what you should take away from this, if that if any one woman doesn't happen to smile back at you, you shouldn't take it too personally. Look at the overwhelming anger, fear, baggage, and ego in these responses that has nothing to do with you.
they're getting pissed off just thinking about it. | |
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| Why do women do this?
Posted: 5/16/2008 12:22:39 PM |
OP what you should take away from this, if that if any one woman doesn't happen to smile back at you, you shouldn't take it too personally. Look at the overwhelming anger, fear, baggage, and ego in these responses that has nothing to do with you.
He absolutely shouldn't take it personally, but only because nobody is obligated to smile and be friendly if they don't feel like it. Sometimes you have days and are in situations where you want to be neutral and you don't want anyone to bother you.
Let me give you an example... Despite my (tongue in cheek, for the most part) posts on this thread, I'm a very friendly person and I smile at everyone. Years ago, in college, I worked in a large chain bookstore (rhymes with Farnes and Groble). There was this guy who came in, always smiled at me, I'd smile back, and after a while he asked me out on a date. Note that I was nineteen or so, and he was well into his forties. I said no thank you, and he came back to the store EVERY FEW DAYS for the next year and stared at my tits and asked me out and was a total creepo about it.
That kind of thing happens more than you think.
As others have said, if a woman is in the mood to talk (if that's your intention) she'll let you know. If you smile at someone as a way to get her attention to potentially start a conversation, she'll make it clear that she's interested. If she doesn't respond to you, she's either 1) not in the mood to be approached about anything or 2) she doesn't want you to come near her.
No harm in either one. | |
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| Why do women do this?
Posted: 5/16/2008 12:38:01 PM |
Yeah most women do this. How are men supposed to approach women when most women have the "man-sheild" when they are out in public?
Again, if they are open to you talking to them, they'll take their earphones off, put down the book, and smile back at you. If not, they don't want you to talk to them. It's so simple. | |
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| Why do women do this?
Posted: 5/16/2008 12:59:55 PM |
OP what you should take away from this, if that if any one woman doesn't happen to smile back at you, you shouldn't take it too personally. I know it is hard to believe and all, but not everything in life is about you.
Look at the overwhelming anger, fear, baggage, and ego in these responses that has nothing to do with you. And now it is all about us again. Something is somehow wrong with us because we have personal boundaries and/or want to stay safe. I love it when men ignore everything we have told them. It's so dense and cute.
I wonder if they do that just to irritate me? | |
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| Why do women do this?
Posted: 5/16/2008 1:23:23 PM | I was just wondering why women seem to have such a cold demeanor when they're out in public. They give you that blank stare or essentially ignore you even if you smile at them.
Some might give you that polite "ok, I see you smile", but it never seems sincere.
Sometimes we just have other stuff on our minds and aren't ready to please you.
As weird/and or b!tchy as that sounds, it is true...
I am not saying that smiling at other people is a chore, but sometimes we are in our own little world and that particular moment doesn't include you.
...So, we continue on with our business, and ignore the world.
This is the same phenomenon that happens when you let someone into traffic and they don't give you that little "thanks" wave...
It is rude not to acknowledge another person's kindness, but it really isn't usually a specifically orchestrated plan to be rude... it just happens.
On the flip-side, women are not going reciprocate every time a stranger smiles at us. As said before in this thread, if we aren't interested, we tend not to want to encourage a strange man to pursue us by smiling back at him.
I, myself, am friendlier than most women, and say, "hello" or comment on a particularly beautiful day and how lucky we are to live here, or something else that I want to share a good deal of the time.
I want recognition given to the small joys in the world...
--To take a moment to really smell the roses... and smile at a friendly face.
But, I have to be in a beautiful mindset to be able to share it with someone else.
If I am somewhere else, I am not really connecting with you, now am I?
Here, have a smile from me! 
...I have something to smile about today. | |
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| Why do women do this?
Posted: 5/16/2008 1:27:27 PM |
And now it is all about us again. Something is somehow wrong with us because we have personal boundaries and/or want to stay safe. I love it when men ignore everything we have told them. It's so dense and cute.
I wonder if they do that just to irritate me?
I indeed wrote that last post with you in mind specifically. | |
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| Why do women do this?
Posted: 5/16/2008 1:53:40 PM | Perhaps:
Some are still defending their fragile male egos because they are intimidated by women, in general.
A father who abandoned them so the next closest person they can blame is their mothers and by default, in many cases, every woman they meet.
They attributed it to the Mommy thing. Women, especially mothers, are not supposed to say "no" and it can trigger a child-like rage. Lots of psychobabble -- and yes, -- very anecdotal, but a living example of the "you're not my mommy" effect.
[Likely when women act cold, it perhaps feels like "mommy" IGNoring them.]
Some had overbearing mothers. Maybe they even had abusive mothers.
Some had abusive fathers who taught them women are only good for hitting and screwing.
Some are closet homosexuals who redirect all of their self loating on women they are supposed to desire but don't.
Or maybe some are just insecure and find women intimidating.
Freud said that women have "penis envy" but another psychologist by the name of Karen Horney asserted that in fact it is men that have "womb envy".
They are themselves hurting. Like a wounded animal that lashes out irrationally. No good relationships with women and they lump all women together.
It could many many reasons and certainly does not apply to all those who bad mouth women to their friends.
Possibly No. 3 - when considering why a man would get pissy over a stranger [female] not being nicer to him so as to handle his ego with kid gloves.
mistressdolly | |
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| Why do women do this?
Posted: 5/16/2008 2:05:03 PM |
Perhaps:
Some are still defending their fragile male egos because they are intimidated by women, in general.
A father who abandoned them so the next closest person they can blame is their mothers and by default, in many cases, every woman they meet.
They attributed it to the Mommy thing. Women, especially mothers, are not supposed to say "no" and it can trigger a child-like rage. Lots of psychobabble -- and yes, -- very anecdotal, but a living example of the "you're not my mommy" effect.
[Likely when women act cold, it perhaps feels like "mommy" IGNoring them.]
Some had overbearing mothers. Maybe they even had abusive mothers.
Some had abusive fathers who taught them women are only good for hitting and screwing.
Some are closet homosexuals who redirect all of their self loating on women they are supposed to desire but don't.
Or maybe some are just insecure and find women intimidating.
Freud said that women have "penis envy" but another psychologist by the name of Karen Horney asserted that in fact it is men that have "womb envy".
They are themselves hurting. Like a wounded animal that lashes out irrationally. No good relationships with women and they lump all women together.
It could many many reasons and certainly does not apply to all those who bad mouth women to their friends.
Possibly No. 3 - when considering why a man would get pissy over a stranger [female] not being nicer to him so as to handle his ego with kid gloves.
mistressdolly
I doubt the original poster has any of this going on. If you grew up in a nice place, and are a friendly well meaning guy it may not be common knowledge to you that women are as afraid as they are of being victimized in public, during the day. It doesn't occur to us because we wouldn't do something like that. | |
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| Why do women do this?
Posted: 5/16/2008 2:08:30 PM | ^^^Food for thought MissDolly. I bet that has a lot to do with this...I don't know, this thing that men have about women doing everything in their lives as a positive or negative to men around them. "Why do women dress the way they dress? Why do women go to clubs but then dance with each other? Why do women make faces at men in public?" It just seems like they think everything we do is to send them some sort of subliminal message. Most things we do isn't for anyone else...we just do what we do...it just is.
Most of the time we're simply not paying attention. Seeing men in our travels isn't exactly...groundbreaking or even warrants a response. Men are everywhere.
If we don't smile - it's interpreted that we're not smiling at someone in particular or we're being negative. If we do smile, then it's for some guy or there's a reason for it. I hate to say it, but for a lot of guys what goes on around them seems to pertain to them in particular personally - or at least they seem to take it that way.
How are you expected to approach women who have a wall up? You're not. That's the point of the wall. I won't smack anyone on the forehead about that, but you get the idea. A GREAT many women don't care in the course of an entire week if they meet or talk to a guy while they're doing whatever it is they're out doing. They just don't care - sorry. | |
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| Why do women do this?
Posted: 5/16/2008 5:55:14 PM |
It doesn't occur to us because we wouldn't do something like that. Which is why we told you. Then you started getting snippy and making excuses. Way to pay attention.
We cannot change the society we live in. Sorry.
Next time you see a man you know acting in a way that makes women nervous or uncomfortable, do us a favor and smack him upside the dome really hard.
If you do this enough times, maybe things will change. | |
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| Why do women do this?
Posted: 5/16/2008 6:14:40 PM |
Which is why we told you. Then you started getting snippy and making excuses. Way to pay attention.
We cannot change the society we live in. Sorry.
Next time you see a man you know acting in a way that makes women nervous or uncomfortable, do us a favor and smack him upside the dome really hard.
If you do this enough times, maybe things will change.
I got snippy where? | |
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| Why do women do this?
Posted: 5/16/2008 8:06:31 PM | There's definitely a lot of hostility coming from a simple question.
I just don't freaking understand. Most of you are saying that you don't want a man to approach you at all. It doesn't matter where it is. Yet in the same tone, if you're sitting at home with no date you cry about the men not wanting you cause you're fat or you have kids or one of the many other excuses women use to explain why men don't like you. You enjoy turning it around to always being the man's fault.
I'm not gonna sit here and defend my question because it's already been answered. The real question is why the hostility has to come out.
I didn't ask that question because of being pissed about it. It was an observation. Everyone wants to close themselves off from the world either physically or mentally. There's always this great fear that someone is gonna do something to you.
You women always say you're as tough as men and can do everything physically that a man can do. So why do men scare you so much>? You say that you don't need a man to protect you, but when some guy chases approaches you, you crawl into a shell and shut down.
Sorry, but I'm sick of defending every question or statement made on these forums. | |
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| Why do women do this?
Posted: 5/16/2008 8:14:59 PM | It's small town vs big city.
The best example is my experience in Montreal. In the city proper men and women don't give eye contact if they don't know you and if you are too friendly, they are suspicious (probably they've been burned).
I can always pick a small town person, even on the bus. They give eye contact, smile and strike up a conversation.
They are fun! I've had a few cracking up joking around, some just having conversations on societal observations. Met some really interesting people that way.
Then on the metro, I've had to be cold and distant when the mentally ill guy was losing the argument with himself and blowing (I don't want to know) out of his nostril on purpose towards the floor....I went to the other side of the train feeling trapped... Or the drunk guy who stood in front of me clipping his fingernails (I was sitting on the crowded metro) and finally I had to say something as the clippings hit me.
Times like those, I dart out of there if I can or the PMSing Italian/Quebecoise in me comes out. Let's just say I don't get mugged.
Ummm, during those times, I too avoid eye contact. | |
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| Why do women do this?
Posted: 5/16/2008 10:00:12 PM | The fact that you specified "women" means more than one woman is doing this to you, and that, my friend, speaks volumes.
I used to HATE it when years ago in my single days when I was be working as a waitress / bartender, and some miscellaneous guy would approach me with no other plan than just to tell me to "smile."
You wanna see me smile? Here's an idea: Why don't you try to put the *slightest* bit of effort into saying something clever, interesting, intelligent, complimentary, or funny.
I'm not trying to be a ball buster here, but the reality is that just because you happen to be attracted to a woman, she has no obligation whatsoever to please you just because you have graced her with your eye contact. | |
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| Why do women do this?
Posted: 5/16/2008 10:54:15 PM | I don't think it has anything to do with pleasing anyone. It has to do with respect and maybe a little humanity. It also has nothing to do with being attracted to someone. Sure smiling at someone you're attracted to shows interest, but smiling as a basic act shows people you're not a closed off zombie.
Now mind you, I'm not one of these smiling freaks that's happy all the time. Most of the time I'm not a public smiler. But if someone smiles at me I usually smile back. And I don't tell people to smile. If you don't want to smile that's your issue to deal with. But don't be surprised if people take it as you're cold, aloof, in a bad mood or just plain unfriendly.
And if you're one of those woman that doesn't want someone smiling or approaching you in public or in the clubs or bars, where in the hell do you meet people??? It's not like men are magically going to appear when you wish it. | |
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| Why do women do this?
Posted: 5/17/2008 7:35:56 AM | ^^
We're on dating sites. Because if we're HERE we want to meet men... there's no law that says any of us (men too) have to be on the prowl ALL the time. We do have other things to do, too.
I just don't freaking understand. Most of you are saying that you don't want a man to approach you at all. It doesn't matter where it is. Yet in the same tone, if you're sitting at home with no date you cry about the men not wanting you cause you're fat or you have kids or one of the many other excuses women use to explain why men don't like you. You enjoy turning it around to always being the man's fault.
OYE! It's not rocket science, I swear.
How about this... when you're watching the big game, do you like interruptions?
Some of us just like to get through our messages WITHOUT attempts at picking us up. I would think that it is pretty obvious that women (or men for that matter) aren't "open for business" 24/7.
Why is that SO hard to comprehend?
Maybe if we weren't approached by so many creeps during our lifespan, no woman would have a "cold demeanor" up when she's out in public.
Perhaps your question is better asked of creepy don't-take-no-for-an-answer harasser types and NOT of women. After all, it's the creeps that ruin it for the rest of you. | |
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| Why do women do this?
Posted: 5/17/2008 7:45:48 AM | Soul...
You have posited a perfectly valid question, and no one here is actually bashing you for it.
In fact, we are merely trying to answer you honestly.
If the answers seem cold or hostile, it is because, as you stated yourself, a lot of men can't read subtlety, so we are trying to be frank in our explanations.
I am glad you asked it, actually. You seem like a nice, kind, regular guy who is having some doubts on how to proceed with women.
It is perfectly valid to ask honest questions... please continue to do so.
Don't give up...
Men and women simply don't quite live in the same moccasins...
We all need some help navigating the terrain once in a while.
Good Luck!
JadeMuse  | |
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| Why do women do this?
Posted: 5/17/2008 8:19:39 AM |
There's definitely a lot of hostility coming from a simple question.
I just don't freaking understand. Most of you are saying that you don't want a man to approach you at all. It doesn't matter where it is. Yet in the same tone, if you're sitting at home with no date you cry about the men not wanting you cause you're fat or you have kids or one of the many other excuses women use to explain why men don't like you. You enjoy turning it around to always being the man's fault.
I've never complained about men not wanting me, so maybe that's the thing here; I can't relate. I don't have to be involved to be happy - nor do I agree that it's that big a deal. I actually enjoy life when I am single OR involved. I don't ever sit home unless I want to, and I've not really ever had the problem of no man wanting anything to do with me. So in my case, it's not a catch 22.
Everyone wants to close themselves off from the world either physically or mentally. There's always this great fear that someone is gonna do something to you.
Yes, there is as a woman, unfortunately.
You women always say you're as tough as men and can do everything physically that a man can do. So why do men scare you so much? You say that you don't need a man to protect you, but when some guy chases approaches you, you crawl into a shell and shut down.
There's a difference between men scaring us and being cautious and learning from past mistakes. And we don't crawl into a shell, a lot of times we're already there, because we're...well....busy.
I don't think it has anything to do with pleasing anyone. It has to do with respect and maybe a little humanity. It also has nothing to do with being attracted to someone. Sure smiling at someone you're attracted to shows interest, but smiling as a basic act shows people you're not a closed off zombie.
I agree that we should all be able to smile at each other out and about with NO INDICATION whatsoever of attraction. However, some men obviously take anything that's the opposite of being told to f**k off as a come-on. Not all do this, but enough do that you're constantly on your guard about it.
Now mind you, I'm not one of these smiling freaks that's happy all the time. Most of the time I'm not a public smiler. But if someone smiles at me I usually smile back. And I don't tell people to smile. If you don't want to smile that's your issue to deal with. But don't be surprised if people take it as you're cold, aloof, in a bad mood or just plain unfriendly.
I doubt many women who don't smile are going to even think about how someone they don't know takes it.
I'm sort of a...well biatch. So if I smile at someone and they take it wrong and pursue based on that, i'll tell them they took it wrong point blank. I've learned to be direct, blunt and clear and most of the time it works. Sure they think I am mean sometimes but I don't care as long as they get the message.
And if you're one of those woman that doesn't want someone smiling or approaching you in public or in the clubs or bars, where in the hell do you meet people??? It's not like men are magically going to appear when you wish it.
In my case, I prefer men stand back and wait. I'll approach the ones I want to talk to. That's how I meet men, have for the past - oh at least 15 years now and it works well. Once in a GREAT while one approaches me I actually like, and so I talk to him. You'd be surprised - as I said before, men are everywhere. I've yet to go anywhere outside a baby or bridal shower and not see a man standing around somewhere. Therefore it's silly to wish for men to appear; they're already there - and with my luck I'd get one that wouldn't go away. So no thanks.
I have a question. If women did smile back at you would you take it as polite and refreshing and then go on with your day? Or would you approach the ones who smiled that you had interest in? If you honestly can say you'd never approach women who smiled at you regardless - great. If a smile for you would be any invitation to go a step further and want to approach her, then THAT's why some women don't smile. We can't be sure a smile will be taken as JUST a smile.
What a great world it would be for us tho if it was. Sigh... | |
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| Why do women do this?
Posted: 5/17/2008 8:31:34 AM |
But you probably wouldn't have a problem with the guy if it was someone "hot" or someone you were interested in. Since it was just a normal guy it makes you uncomfortable.
OP, do you honestly smile back every time some butt ugly heavy chick smiles at you (not trying to say you're ugly)? Or would you feel like you were leading her on - so then won't smile back?
Sure smiling at someone you're attracted to shows interest, but smiling as a basic act shows people you're not a closed off zombie
Do you always feel like smiling back? Even if you're late for work and in a rush or your g/f broke up with you (or whatever other reason) ? So you're saying you smile back 100% of the time? I find that hard to believe.
Yes smiling is a courtesy but as with all courtesies, its up to the individual as to whether or not they feel like reciprocating.
And if you're one of those woman that doesn't want someone smiling or approaching you in public or in the clubs or bars, where in the hell do you meet people
I can understand the frustration-honestly. But sometimes when us women are out in public, meeting men are the last things on our minds. You seem to be under the impression that if a single woman is out in public, that she must be there to meet men. NOT! .....I would honestly think that most men of your age would be able to tell when a woman is interested in you or meeting men. Now I've yet to go out anywhere with the sole intention of meeting men but that doesn' t mean that if I came across someone that I was interested in, that I wouldn't let him know-usually by smiling first and using eye contact.
I live in a small town in NH but I was raised in the south--so I really do smile alot but then we don't have as many of the perverts here - due to the low population. When I go down to Boston, its a different story. I don't make eye contact or smile at hardy anyone. Its safer that way.
OP....Its nothing personal as many have said. Its more of a coping mechanism when living in a more populated area.
You women always say you're as tough as men and can do everything physically that a man can do. So why do men scare you so much>? You say that you don't need a man to protect you, but when some guy chases approaches you, you crawl into a shell and shut down
A lot of are as tough as aman but we still lack the physical strength (well a lot of us do) to overcome an attack. I'm 5'4" and if some 6' 2" guy attacked me, what do you think my chances would be? Especially if he outweighed by quite a bit? To say nothing of the fact that they could be flying high on some drug that increases their physical strength. If some guy chases me, he's likely to be staring at the barrel of my .44 -- so I wouldn't have to crawl home & shut down.
HR | |
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| Why do women do this?
Posted: 5/17/2008 8:46:24 AM |
You women always say you're as tough as men and can do everything physically that a man can do. So why do men scare you so much? You say that you don't need a man to protect you, but when some guy chases approaches you, you crawl into a shell and shut down.
For me, it's not a matter of fear. I could tell you the story of the time I fought a 6'5", 260 pound man off of me and left without a bruise on me as he was on the floor crying with his hands cradling his nuts, but I won't.
For me, it's a matter of annoyance. I don't want some goober to follow me around being a pest thinking that I want him to take me home with him because I returned a friendly smile. This happens ALL THE TIME. Too many men think that if a woman glances in his direction that means she wants him, and it's so not the case. If I'm not in the mood to talk to anyone, I'll make that more than abundantly clear. If I am, I'll make that clear too. | |
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| Why do women do this?
Posted: 5/17/2008 9:02:09 AM | Now lets clarify this.....
Are you talking about the women you want attention from?
Do you smile at all the women that you consider not attractive to you?
Would you smile back at all women who you would not want to have anything to do with, who smiles at you?
If you answer. Yes.. no and no.... which I would hazard a guess and say this is true. Then we are doing exactly what you do yourself. | |
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_JAFO_
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Joined: 11/9/2007
Msg: 74 | |
| Why do women do this?
Posted: 5/17/2008 9:13:36 AM | It might be the part of the country you're in. I've found people act/react differently in various parts of the country. Oregonians are the nicest/least defensive people I've found.
It might be that we're socializing our society to be that way. After all, don't we raise our children to "not talk to strangers?" Be suspicious if a stranger approaches them? Maybe what we're seeing is those children all grown up taking it with them to adulthood.
It might be all about your gestalt.
Or it might be... (Consider this true story) I'm in a department store. I smile and say hello to a man passing me by in an aisle. He seems to be shopping the same aisles as me. Uh oh, he's standing behind me in the checkout. Oh, geeze he's following me to my car. Holy cow, I make a beeline back into the store to get security. Security walks me to my car and as security walks away his car rolls up behind mine and stops. I call to security and his car rolls slowly away heading up the next parking aisle. And start up my car and head out of the parking lot as fast as I can out the "back way" all the while watching my rearview mirror and zig zagging all the way back to my home. --and it was all my fault because I smiled and said hello. | |
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| Why do women do this?
Posted: 5/17/2008 10:30:41 AM | This thread is too funny. On countless nice guy/lonely guy threads, men are scolded by women for not smiling, not being friendly, not being confident, not "putting themselves out there." On this thread they're being scolded for smiling, being friendly, being confident and "putting themselves out there." Very confusing.
I tend to believe it's a culture thing, though. I live is a small city where most people seem open to smiling/chatting with strangers without it being a particular expression of interest or leading to the creepy/stalkerish type thing described in some posts.
In my entire life I can only think of a couple of times when a smile or chit-chat with anyone went slightly wrong, and even then it wasn't scary bad or annoying bad, just a little awkward.
When I go to visit my family in Toronto, however, hardly anyone (female or male) makes eye contact or chats in store lineups and such. Maybe there are so many people around it would become stupid and impossible to get anything done on a day-to-day basis if you paid too much attention to the people around you. Just a theory. | |
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