| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/15/2008 3:42:33 AM | No commitment , no strings...
Now your mad because he is to marry someone else..
How many other guys was you having no commitment, no strings sex with?
Sour grapes in your cupboard?
Go ahead and screw up someones life..
The karmic fallout will not be good for your soul..
You wanted a Fu[k buddy and you lost him..
Get over it. Go find another one. They are a dime a dozen..
If this guy marries and cheats, Karma will come back to haunt him. | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/15/2008 4:28:20 AM | If it were me and I was going to get married to a cheater, I would only hope someone would clue me in! BUT as many have said...You need proof! Maybe not as much as the 2 of you having sex but maybe the 2 of you kissing.
I understand where you are coming from. I was in that position but was married to the cheater. I wish someone would have told me....or shown me!
Put yourself in the same position...would you want to know? Being in that position, you might think the F@*K buddy is lying and just trying to break things up. Thats why the proof is so important.
Best of luck with your delimma! | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/15/2008 4:30:06 AM | Now I would WANT to know, if it were me. But I'm not all women and everyone is different. Even if you simply intend to give her 'knowledge' so she can make an INFORMED choice about whether to go ahead with the marriage or not, she will likely not believe you.
BTW, 'if ' you do tell her, it wouldn't be you 'screwing up' her life it would be HIM and his inability to (apparently) seriously commit to the relationship he has embarked on. If he wants to 'sew his oats' he shouldn't be lying to her. Or you. But that's the kind of relationship you were having with him. In terms of 'exlusive', you were entitled to know whether he was or not, so you had 'clear relationship boundaries'. He couldn't stick to those. But now you know.
I sense you are NOT doing this for revenge, because here you are, DELIBERATING with your conscience and dallying with what to do for the best. There will always be the condemners on here claiming you are seeking revenge and havoc, or it's just 'sour grapes'. Pah!! Because everyone thinks that way? I think not! Some people do actually give a heck about negative repecussions on all parties involved, as clearly the OP does, or she wouldn't be here asking...
But clearly, there is clearly some committment there, and frankly, I'd leave them to it. | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/15/2008 4:34:32 AM | U know, and that what is important. Tell & u might be putting yourself in harms way. Women often retailate and he/she might paint u a cow of a different color. Get me? You could be the hateful tempress or the man stealer... Yes! People can blameshift dearie. | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/15/2008 4:49:10 AM | You said a few months into the thing you had sex but it was no commitment no strings; then you ask him if you are exclusive. Very confusing.
He wanted you for sex and said what he wanted to get it. You were both the fool. | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/15/2008 5:00:33 AM | I totally agree with BREATH~
If you do tell, it absolutely has to be without malice - but I've been there done that - having spent DAYS deliberating over whether to tell a woman who had already had her husband leave her and their child after a long-term affair. Guess what? She didn't believe me, no matter how sincere or concerned about her I was. There was no 'female solidarity' - she didn't thank me, nor care about anything else but him - and she believed I made it all up and I was his stalker ( as he had told her). I realised that I am not 'responsible' for saving her from another cheater. And neither are you responsible for doing the same in your case.
I have worked with domestic violence victims, and if a woman can (and does) tolerate that lifestyle, then there are women who will tolerate cheating too or prefer not to know.
It IS a quandary.
What you have to bear in mind is - it's not whether YOU would want to know - you have to put yourself in HER shoes. Would SHE want to know?? | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/15/2008 6:00:26 AM | | I have 500 or so emails between the two of us, and some of them are not fit for anyone to read..."very explicite" do you guys think she would believe the emails, that is all the proof I have, except phone bills with him calling me. | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/15/2008 6:00:30 AM | | Put yourself in her shoes...would you want to know that the man you're engaged to is cheating? Just make sure you have absolute proof. | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/15/2008 6:11:00 AM | | Tempting as it might be to set up a trap, get revenge or whatever, I would not mess with it. I would just call him and tell him to stay away and move on. | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/15/2008 6:21:48 AM | | Just walk away, could be she already knows. There are so many variables here, and it could get very ugly quickly. Do you need any more drama???? Good luck with the healing process you now have to go thru. | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/15/2008 6:22:13 AM | OK REVERSE THE SITUATION WHAT IF YOU WHERE HER
WHAT EVER HAPPENS PAIN IS GOING TO WIN ALL THE WAY THROUGH
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/15/2008 6:25:43 AM | Definately tell his fiance. I have been on both sides of this fence.
If this guy has weaseled his way into sleeping with you then how many other women has he been playing this charade with?
On the other side of the coin how would you feel if your fiance was sleeping around behind your back?
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/15/2008 7:30:40 AM | although you think you may be doing her a favor by spilling the beans, you aren't.
you business is with him, not her. let it go and find your own happiness without interfering in their life together. | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/15/2008 7:42:53 AM | Is it at all remotely possible that they went through a "not attached" phase over this seven month period and are now getting back together?
I ask because you mentioned something along the lines of he said he "wasn't even speaking to her anymore" when you two were together. That seems to imply they were in a relationship at one time, broke up, you were the rebound, and now they are reconciling.
just a thought. | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/15/2008 8:30:40 AM | Why do you want to tell her? Is it so that she will leave him because you want him? Is it so that she "knows what she's getting into"? Is it to warn her? Is it to ruin his life?
No matter what your reason for telling, you stand a good chance of not being believed, even with the emails and phone bills. People only believe what they want to believe. And she believes that he loves her and they will live happily ever after or else she would not be marrying him.
Do you really want to destroy this woman's life by telling her Mr. Right is really Mr. Wrong? Or are you looking to destroy him for being a lying, cheating, good for nothing SOB?
Whatever your reasons and motivation may be, taking the high road and walking away with your pride and dignity firmly in place is by far the best option. If you tell her, no matter how you tell her, you are opening a can of worms better left unopened.
Good luck to you
~tb~ | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/15/2008 2:13:26 PM | Sooo....he's a cheater, and a liar.
Man, that is one lucky lady he's getting married to there...wow.
While it is tempting to tell the new girl what you know about this man, you may come off as the fool here...either that, or, she'll just blow you off.
But, since he lied to YOU...I would write him a long, thought out summary of his actions from your perspective. Put yourself in the shoes of the engaged gal.
While we can't really change other peoples behaviour, you can make some people think about their behaviour, and maybe some what you say may help them to see situations and their ego in a different perspective, perhaps encouraging some change
''''''~~~~~~~~~~~~'Kimbo~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/15/2008 2:19:43 PM | Call her and tell her. Im sure she doesnt even know that you exist.
Team up with her and sit on the counch and await his arrival. I always love those kind of scenerios | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/15/2008 2:24:05 PM | | Chalk it up to experience. Leave it alone, it's not your place to tell the woman anything. If you look at your motives real closely, you might find you are more interested in sticking it to the guy than of being any real "help" to the woman. | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/15/2008 2:27:25 PM |
what should I do?
Coming from personal experience, I was told that my soon-to-be husband sowed his wild oats with someone else the year I got married...
Yup, I still got married...yes, I know, big DUH...and I can honestly tell you that it hung over our marriage continuously, not because he cheated, but because my opinion of him changed considerably. I lost an awful lot of respect for him, but thought we could work it out.
He never regained my respect...his loss, not mine... | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/15/2008 2:56:12 PM | I see you have many in both camps. Tell and Don't Tell.
My vote is to end things between the two of you and not to tell. | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/15/2008 3:14:38 PM |
Cheaters...dont stop at just one.
They only get better at hiding it or just become blase and indifferent to their behavior infront of their partner
Indeed, you should let her know, think of how you'll feel later when you find out he's doing it to her and you knew that he might and could have prevented her the heartache and pain he will cause with his cheating, tell her. But as stated earlier, find some sort of proof to back your story up as she will not want to hear it or believe it, the proof will be in the pudding so to speak. | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/15/2008 3:19:09 PM | Do what you would want her to do if you were in her place. It's that simple. If she doesn't appreciate it and gets angry at you, at least you know you did the best you could to let the truth be known to her.
In my opinion, it's the only decent thing to do. How she deals with the information is her choice. | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/15/2008 3:28:18 PM | Tell her, save her the pain...
It's not about you being angry anymore, it's about him wrecking the future and heart of somebody who dreams of being somebody's princess.
Post #2 was great.
Tell her, and tell us what happened!!! | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/15/2008 3:35:37 PM | Personally, I wouldn't 'tell' on him at all.
It's not up to you to decide someone's fate - Karma will do that itself and it doesn't have to be you to dish out the punishment.
In my opinion, it's sour grapes on you and should you go ahead and tell, you'll be seen as the bitter woman.
Get over it - go find another F' buddy.
Tell her, and tell us what happened!!! ^ ^
You don't speak for me. | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/15/2008 3:36:17 PM | | Easy- keep the mouth shut and let her find out for herself. If you get involved it'll look like you want him back. Why do you even care if he done you wrong? Maby you should find more creative uses for your time than sitting here wondering if you should go chasing this guy. Obviously he ain't worth it. | |
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