| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/15/2008 3:42:07 PM | I do agree with the general feeling that is someone has been cheated on, then they really do deserve to know the truth however, coming from you it may just seem like jealousy so is hardly likely to do any good. I think the best option would be to confront HIM about it and give him the choice. Say that either he comes clean and tells her or you will - that will certainly put the preverbial cat amonst the pigeons!!!  | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/15/2008 3:49:22 PM | | Ah i think you should tell her. Its not even the cheating that is the biggest deal, its the lies hes told about her, how can he be about to marry someone when he completly lies about her. She has got the chance to get out before its too late, and meet someone who will love her enought to tell the world about her. | |
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~Kyn~
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Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 53 | |
| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/15/2008 3:54:12 PM | I already gave my opinion on this thread at post # 9.
Tempting as it might be to set up a trap, get revenge or whatever, I would not mess with it. I would just call him and tell him to stay away and move on
Just a comment to this ^^^
OP...whatever you decide to do...just a word of warning should you not do anything at all.
I'll just about guarantee you 100%...that if you dont do anything...as soon as something goes wrong in the marriage (argument/separation)...he'll be back on the phone and attempt to weasel himself into your life and bed again.
Doesnt mean he loves you...just means he's selfish and an idiot.
And you can bet...that if you hang up the phone or shut the door on him...he'll move onto someone else cos although he may seem devoid of emotion in relation to whats gone on with you...he's actually extremely needy.
People who function at a level where they cant be alone without a partner OR bed partner ARE needy people whether they realise it or not and wanna argue the point, articulately or not.
They grasp at other people to validate themselves then blow it off as it meaning nothing.
It doesnt mean "nothing"...it means absolutely everything about who they are.
You've been an active participant in bringing about this situation by accepting a FWB/F*ck Buddy scenario in the first place unfortunately...so how you deal with everything now is likely teaching you some very valuable life lessons.
Dont think that because he's committing to this other woman that he loves her either otherwise he wouldnt have been with you...she's just giving him what he needs right now and likely thinks marrying her is the only way to "keep it" (which wont be necessarily a concious choice...but nonetheless...is one) | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/15/2008 4:02:57 PM | Though I do agree with those who say that his fiancée has the right to know of his philandering ways before the wedding, I tend to think that the proof should be presented by someone other than the woman he is cheating with.
Years ago I was the other woman in a short-lived relationship, though I truly believed the man when he said he was divorced. When I saw the loving couple + children at a Canada Day celebration, my feelings of uneasiness re some inconsistencies in his stories were proved right. Months later at a party I tried to tell her about the situation. Her reaction!! "What he does with his free time is his business. As long as he pays the bills and keeps a roof over our heads I don't care where he spends his time." That marriage did eventually fall apart due to his inability to give up drinking.
Did I let him back into my life? I had walked away with my dignity and self-esteem intact, and did learn to trust again. So the answer to my question is no. | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/15/2008 4:09:35 PM | ~OP~ You tell her.....he'll deny it.....she'll cry and believe him anyway ~ nothing gained. She's not going to listen until she catches him in the act. I don't agree with his actions ~ but the simple fact remains, we gals tend to be quite loyal when it seems that "love" is what we are in. I've been on the receiving end of a "confession from the other woman" and I stood by my man ~ it took me catching him on my own to get it. Sadly ~ I personally don't get involved in the "Cheaters" type of broadcasting. He's out of your life ~ just be happy you aren't the bride to be and move on. JMO  | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/15/2008 4:18:00 PM | | On one hand I'd want to know if it was me... but it would be MY JOB to know and not someone elses to inform me, ESPECIALLY not the woman who is sleeping with my finace... It's like the Rocky movie, YOU CAN"T WIN!!! You will only look like the scorned "ex lover" to this woman, even if you're not. On the other hand ignorance is bliss? Ugh, the latter just stinks. No, it is NOT your place to tell her it is YOUR PLACE to end ALL contact with him now that you know he is involved. Do your job then leave the rest up to them to work through. | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/15/2008 4:27:53 PM | | That's your call. If you do I agree with Nikki Louise and others who say you need proof. You have to do what is right for you. I am someone who would quickly move on and put it all behind me ASAP....I am good at that. Everyone is different. He will get his is you believe in karma. He is making his bed every step of the way. You could probably use a girls' night out and a nice long recovery day at the spa...treat yourself beautiful and bright one! | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/15/2008 4:38:14 PM | | I would tell as I would want someone to tell me if that was going on. Its ultimately her decision what she decides to do about it. | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/15/2008 4:48:37 PM | | You're going to get a multitude of opinions here on the forums, many will be conflicting, many will be first hand experiences that another has gone through and many will make perfect sense... My advice to you is to search your heart, soul and mind and when all three are in agreement with each other, follow them. Whatever you do, NEVER do anything out of spite or for revenge, you will be the one left bleeding and feeling miserable... perhaps even worse than you're feeling right now. | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/15/2008 5:07:06 PM | Nikki from message 4 gave a really good suggestion on how to tell her, and have "proof" at the same time. When women are in love, some just don't want to hear or believe reality.
Definitely do so though ... from one female to another. If she goes through with the marriage she's the one who will have to live with the jerk. At least you would have done the right thing and tried. | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/15/2008 5:57:22 PM | I agree with give her a call and tell her where and when to find her man.
It would be and interesting show but you have to make sure you have a way out in case she decides its your fault and not his. I will never understand this part he chose to be a lying snake so its the other womans fault. No its his fault. | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/15/2008 7:48:11 PM | Tough call, because I would want to know if I was in the bride-to-be's shoes.
However, unless this woman calls, texts, or emails you directly, asking specific questions, I don't see what good can come of telling her. Even then, I wouldn't volunteer information. It's between them now. Let go and move on gracefully.
JMO
Best wishes,
p.
 
P.S. - I also found the contradiction with "no strings" and being "exclusive" troubling.
Sounds like he wasn't exclusive, even if you were... are you angry he lied to you? | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/15/2008 7:58:17 PM | I can understand you wanting to tell her but really, I doubt she will leave him.
Ask yourself, if it was you, would you want to know? How would you want to be told? Put yourself in her shoes and do what you think is best for her.
This is true...the girl will not necessarily leave...crazy...Personally, I'd be gone. But I say tell her only because I would want to know. This actually happened to me...my ex was cheating on his current gf with me...I didn't know she existed...I let her know...and she stayed with him!! Oh well...her life ...her decision...her problem...not mine  | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/15/2008 10:19:56 PM | | Nothing will be gained by telling her. If you're not trying to break them up,why would you be seeking advice as to what to do? He flat out lied to you and that was wrong. Don't humiliate yourself by running to this woman and telling her about the man she's getting ready to marry. Really,no woman wants another woman running to her and telling her all these bad things about the guy she's getting ready to marry. If you do contact her she'll probably have some harsh words for you and you'll even worse,so leave it alone and move on! | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/16/2008 6:20:25 AM | But, isn't it better she tell her ... and the bride-to-be can at least make an INFORMED choice about what to do with the information? If she marries him, fine. If she decides not to, fine as well.
I would sure want to know what kind of guy I was about to marry... | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/16/2008 6:31:31 AM | | OP think long and hard about telling and what your motives are. Are you truly feeling altruistic and only want to protect his fiance from marrying someone who isn't loyal OR is there perhaps some part of you that wants a little revenge. Perfectly natural to feel that way but not the best motive for starting a dialog with the future Mrs. | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/16/2008 6:59:10 AM | | I dont know about that. I woud tell in two seconds flat....for both reasons. she needs to know what she has and revenge on him. tell tell tell on him lol. | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/16/2008 7:36:51 AM | How does exclusive bode with no commitment, no strings?
What if they are in an "open" rel?
PS. As long as condoms were used, properly, IMO, it is no one's business!
Sounds like sour grapes
HELLOOOOO? did you even READ her post?!
The man LIED to her. He told her he had no contact with this other woman. She asked him flat-out several times if he was sleeping exclusively with her, and he said YES. If he was in an open relationship, shouldn't he have TOLD her about it??!! But no, he kept her in the dark. It isn't about losing a FWB/F. buddy. It's about a man lying to her about his dating/sexual status. And the last time I checked, lying is WRONG.
Now about telling the other woman....OP...I don't know what to tell you. If I were you, I would just walk away. Even if you tell this other woman, she may either not believe you or blame you for it. Haven't you ever watched Jerry Springer? It's always the two women fighting each other instead of the guy who f**ed both of them over.
But good luck whatever you decide to do. | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/16/2008 7:46:41 AM | | I would tell her before she takes that step into marrying him, and bear in mind there is no gentile way to put it. And she may not like you and see you as the bad guy at first cause her her fiancee she loves. But she may thank you down the road when she realizes she didn't marry a pig-man. | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/16/2008 8:00:34 AM | | If you are going to tell her. To hell with the proof. You call her. You tell her and indicate that since he's a cheater, you don't want him, are interested in him or anything else. You do not need to proof yourself to HER, nor him. If she wants more information, just describe his penis to her. Or tell her where he was one particular evening. Then kiss off, bring closure. | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/16/2008 8:08:38 AM | What on earth does her motivations have to do with the outcome? The outcome, either way, would be that his fiancee gets something to think about. She'll only be influenced as much as she chooses to. It's on her to deal with it as she chooses.
The person telling did nothing wrong, so her motivations, whatever they may be, just don't matter.
Aside from all that, not telling her is an insult and disservice to her. It equates to an agreement amongst others that she has no right to info that is key to her own life. That's f-ed from the floor up!
I'm sick to death of people overlooking bad behavior. | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/16/2008 8:41:42 AM | If I were the fiancee, I would want to know. She deserves to know what she is getting into, and if she chooses to forgive him and marry him, or not believe you, that is her choice, but at least you will know that you gave her the information so she could make an informed decision.
I agree with Funny Girl about being sick of people overlooking bad behavior.. | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/16/2008 9:01:15 AM | | Do not tell her. You have nothing to gain, nor does she. My quess is she already knows anyway and is continuing the relationship for her own reasons. You have no real insight into their relationship. RUN, girl friend. Be glad you aren't the one marrying him. | |
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| To tell or not to tell
Posted: 5/16/2008 9:28:00 AM | The last thing you want to do is to make "you" the issue and not "him" and what he has done, is doing, and more than likely will continue to do.
Maybe the best way to handle this is a set up that he does to himself, like asking to go to a party with his family and/or friends, or attending something that you know he will be at and more than likely, so will his significant other.
The goal is for him to deal with this, and not you. If you deal with it, you own it, and then you lose the reality of what is, compared to the fantasy of what could be. I would not call or tell her, because if you do, then you are the one that caused this, and will be the main issue, not his dealings.
If you really have a "fwb" relationship, then the only commitment that you owe to each other, is being healthy, and truthful about your relationship. If multiple partners are involved, then testing and condoms should be used and discussed in order to protect the both of you for future relationships.
If one is moving on with feelings for the other, then that needs to be discussed as well, just as it should be if one has another in their life.
The last thing I would do, is to get involved by being the messenger, because that road is very bumpy, slippery, and potentially devastating to all involved.
Just my opinion........  | |
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