| Why the need for marriage?
Posted: 5/15/2008 9:45:02 AM | A wedding is not required. You asked about marriage, not a wedding. I'm open to the idea of marriage, but I would NEVER have a wedding.
I could pay my kids 2 years college
And that is why.
Common law marriage is free until you need the paperwork.(In the states that HAVE common law)
I live in a comon law state...I don't see a difference between living together in a sexual relationship and marriage. Same thing. EXACTLY the same thing. The only difference is less paperwork is involved proving the legal commitment with a marriage and breaking up property after parting ways is HORRID without being married.
I wouldn't marry a guy who I've lived with as man and wife. It eliminates all possibility of a civil divorce. Property wise, child wise, financially, everything.
In my opinion, if you've been maried more than three times before you are legally able to drink alone(Yeah, one of my friends), you really don't put a value on marriage. Yeah, you do it a lot, you want it to happen, but why? Some people are crazy.
Some people think marriage is a different step for religious reasons.
Some people want to go to bed at the same time.
People are different.
Marriage is a legal thing.
A wedding is a religious or ceremonial thing/sack of bull.
You should see the difference. Which are you upset about: wasting money on a party, or wanting a legal contract incase of dissolving the partnership? | |
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| Why the need for marriage?
Posted: 5/15/2008 10:13:19 AM | Marrige, been there done that, NO THANKS …..
And despite what the women think (not all) it has nothing to do with my lack of commitment but my experiences so far with womens (again not all) lack of commitment.
Both my Ex’s decided they , [ pick one or all of the following ]
A) Got married for the wrong reasons,
B) Friends were all married,
C) Thought that’s what they wanted because society told them they were supposed to want it.
D) Family pressures
E) The fairy tale little girls get sold growing up. ( Love, Happiness, house in the burbs, 2.5 kids, ect…..)
Then they both wanted to be divorced for the following (again pick one or all of the following)
A) Realized they weren’t the marrying type. (Partnership ? teamwork ? but, but I thought it was all about me and what I wanted !!!)
B) Too Independent to be married ( I.E. didn’t like someone not agreeing with their every whim or want, again thought it was all about them)
C) Needed to go find themselves. ( can you say ME ME ME ME …..)
D) The marriage wasn’t what they expected. ( Again it was supposed to be all about them, and the reality is it wasn’t)
When I found myself dating again at 42 yrs old I let it be known right upfront when meeting someone that I had no intention of ever getting married again.
After all I had no plans to have any more kids, so why should I. All marriage meant to me at this age was if once again I choose the wrong woman I would be financially destroyed once again.
Seriously, I’m getting to old to give away another house, split my retirement, & go into debt to the lawyers and the courts just so another woman can decide it’s time to move on while I get stuck with the bills.
When I started dating again I met the following women.
There were women that were upfront with their desire to be married again one day, so we wished each other luck in life and moved on. NEXT
There were women that thought they could change my mind, only to figure out later they were wrong. Againg good luck & have a nice life …. NEXT
There were women that weren’t sure what they wanted … NEXT
And now there is the lady I’ve been dating for going on 2 years now, so far we seem to be on the same page in life with our various hopes and desires, and we agree that marriage does nothing for us, it will not strengthen or make our commitment to each other any more permanent or lasting, it won’t ensure we live together happily ever after, it won’t make any hard times easier to get thru.
All marriage has to offer us at this point in life is the expense and difficulty of ending things if we should one day decide to do so.
Marriage … thanks but no thanks ….
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| Why the need for marriage?
Posted: 5/15/2008 10:23:59 AM | Insulting? Your the one on here bashing women and marriage. Grow up and shut up loser! You obviously cannot handle another person's valid opinion.  | |
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| Why the need for marriage?
Posted: 5/15/2008 10:26:24 AM | I'm not making assumptions I'm going by your posts bashing women and marriage. It's a free country and I'll post where I damn well please so deal with it!  | |
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| Why the need for marriage?
Posted: 5/15/2008 10:29:31 AM | | I could be totally off base here but I think it is more with the younger generation so to speak. They are raised that they should be married by a certian age and to start a family and all. People have different ideas of different things and the way they are supposed to go. I have a great friend that dated his highschool sweetheart for 11 years before he asked her to marry him...they got married and 7 years later she told him she didnt want kids so he got a visectomy just to find out 3 months later that she filed for divorce. This completely ruined him....he was so in love with her. With the help of his friends he is now okay and has been with the same woman for 2 years now. She is at the point where she hints about marriage all the time....it will never happen! She needs to realise this now...if took 11 years to do it the first time just to get his heart crushed why would he do it again? People just need to accept who they are with and go with the flow....you will have a much happier relationship in the long run if you do. | |
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| Why the need for marriage?
Posted: 5/15/2008 10:40:38 AM |
Insulting? Your the one on here bashing women and marriage. Grow up and shut up loser! You obviously cannot handle another person's valid opinion.
Do you have reading problem? I did not bash women wanting marriage, I asked WHY they want it. Ppl are free to have their opinions on what they want, I'm just merely trying to understand what women thinks related to marriage.
I did not see you post your opinion anywhere, you blalantly insulted and attacked me, and now again for the 2nd time.
It doesn't seem to me that you know what being civil is. | |
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| Why the need for marriage?
Posted: 5/15/2008 10:45:47 AM |
I'm not making assumptions I'm going by your posts bashing women and marriage. It's a free country and I'll post where I damn well please so deal with it!
I dont see him as bashing woman at all. I think that some of you are getting irritated with him and possibly getting angry because he has valid points. Marriage is nothing but a piece of paper that is usually attached with a ceremony that costs more than my monthly mortgage payment and where I live that aint cheap...lol. People have diffent opinions and everyone is entitled to their own.
As my Granny used to say "If you cant say anything nice dont say anything at all" | |
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| Why the need for marriage?
Posted: 5/15/2008 10:53:31 AM | Personal preference. Why NOT marry, I guess is the opposite question?
Some people prefer to be married and to say to all and the heavens above that "I have chosen this person to love". It gives them security in knowing that he, too, said this to all and the heavens above. Some people prefer to not be married and continue on with a good thing, and that's ok by them.
I find it odd that so many people say they're "not against marriage", but would never do it. Tacitly, you ARE against marriage, on some level. | |
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| Why the need for marriage?
Posted: 5/15/2008 10:55:39 AM | "Because I believe in marriage and wish to enter into such a union. I'm not going to stay with a guy who is afraid of commitment."
If marriage is the supposed "ultimate commitment", then why are so many incapable of staying married?
A legal contract is not the same as a *willing* commitment, nor does it guarantee jack **** as far as staying together. | |
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| Why the need for marriage?
Posted: 5/15/2008 10:58:29 AM | "Seriously, I’m getting to old to give away another house, split my retirement, & go into debt to the lawyers and the courts just so another woman can decide it’s time to move on while I get stuck with the bills."
It's not cuz you're "too old", it's cuz you're too wise.  | |
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| Why the need for marriage?
Posted: 5/15/2008 12:26:51 PM | | Married men in this country who get to have kids ...well, it is tough ... If she decides one day she is 'bored' with marriage, his life is pretty much finished. haha- women are very very spoiled ... and it is very scary for us. I got a buddy who got divorced few yrs back... she took everything haha i meant everything from him. The car, house, the kids and on top of that he has to pay for child support - she said, 'she wants her money'! scary haha. I think they should let the kids decide who they want to go with. I would rather have **stards than get married. haha I know there are decent women out there, but 75% have a b**** written all over them. | |
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| Why the need for marriage?
Posted: 5/15/2008 12:57:53 PM |
Married men in this country who get to have kids ...well, it is tough ... If she decides one day she is 'bored' with marriage, his life is pretty much finished.
I know NUMEROUS women who went through the same thing, in reverse. They were married, the man got bored, felt like being a bachelor again, and they were abandoned and turned into insta-single-mothers.
Greedy ****es and **stards come in all genders. That doesn't mean it should make you jaded and bitter and give you so much baggage that nobody will want to come near you. | |
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| Why the need for marriage?
Posted: 5/15/2008 1:03:24 PM | No need for marriage, it's just a piece of paper that complicates things down the road if major issues (divorce) arise...which is around 50% of the time..
I think many women just want to be able to say "I'm married, look at my ring..." I can't stand that attitude, but many think of marriage as a big life accomplishment...what a joke in my books!
In today's legal system it is also heavily one sided towards us women in divorce and custody cases. Many of us should look at things from the man's point of view sometimes before judging their decisions. A close friend of mine married about 3 years ago, she then left her husband because of the feelings of being trapped. The divorce settlement left her with a house worth over $300K, a car, and over $90K in cash. Going into the marriage she only had $10k period. The man got fleeced and it was her that wanted to end the marriage that she came into with nothing. - This is a reason for many men to be scared/hesitant about marriage.
Marriage is unnecessary in today's society, watch over the next 50 years as less and less people opt for marriage and more just enjoy the relationships they are in rather than trying to LABEL them, which essentially is all that marriage is, a label. Materialistic in many ways, kinda like wearing Gucci just to be seen wearing Gucci. | |
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| Why the need for marriage?
Posted: 5/15/2008 1:12:21 PM | I think marriage is outdated and should be replaced with two things:
1) a religious ceremony that has absolutely no legal implications whatever, purely for the spiritually inclined
2) a cohabitation agreement which is a legal document drawn up by the couple in consultation with separate solicitors/legal advisers that covers all essential situations relating to financial and material responsibilities, including responsibilities for children resulting from the relationship and who gets what if they separate. (This should be revisited every few years because circumstances change). This makes sense for those with material concerns.
Marriage is no more than these two things combined and it is less in many ways, since the cohabitation agreement and legalities resulting from marriage - the true consequences of that choice - are not discussed or agreed, so that people can think sensibly about the very real possibilities of it not being sweetness and light forever. I think that people who imagine that a religious or legal bond is any kind of insurance, creating certainty where there can be none, are ridiculous. I think that people who would want their partner to stay with them because they saw it as a duty, even though it made them unhappy have no idea of what it means to love someone.
I think that when you love someone and honour them for who they are, you want them to be as free as they can possibly be to choose whatever they will do or be in any given moment. I see it as a much greater thing to be free and to gladly choose to stay... To maintain a truly loving relationship when there are no ties and no obligations, is a far greater sign of commitment than a promise made on one day and then adhered to in name and not in spirit purely out of guilt, convenience, duty, money. If you are spiritual then a spiritual commitment makes some sense, but it does not make sense to imagine that you can capture the spirit and feeling of a relationship with a piece of paper. You can force someone to live with you or be in a relationship with you, but pressuring them to love you and to relate to you does not make any kind of sense.
A heart cannot be held by a piece of paper, only by another heart.
Love cannot be maintained by law, only by loving. | |
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| Why the need for marriage?
Posted: 5/15/2008 1:31:24 PM | | It's all or nothing for women..........if it was upto me i'd be like "hey baby cakes, lets see eah other exlusively".........and then shake on it...................marriage sounds so.........binding.... | |
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| Why the need for marriage?
Posted: 5/15/2008 1:33:34 PM | Just date exclusively and live separately, so that nothing gets mixed. That way no gets taken...and if someone wants to leave, well they're already not there. Voila!
I'm so clever. | |
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| Why the need for marriage?
Posted: 5/15/2008 2:17:20 PM | I think a lot of people's desire or lack of desire for marriage, men and women alike, stem from their upbringing, what they saw their parents do ( or did not do), and their own experiences up until now.
We are very "perception" oriented. We care about how things look and our status in a larger pecking order. Some of this is cultural. Some of this is life experience. Some of this is just pure animal instinct.
Sadly though, many of us would rather "look good in public" than have things actually "be good in private" Sometimes those two issues line up perfectly. Most of the time they are complete opposites.
Deep down I think we all know that once we get older that we just won't look as good as we used to. Our bodies won't be as firm. Our wobbly parts are going to sag more. Our youth will fade and most of our former luster is going to slip away too. Far too many people are in denial about this. I think for many, marriage is a declaration of "in for a penny, in for a pound"
Unfortunately most men will take that to mean we will leave them with pennies and we will gain 300 pounds.
The truth is, we are all probably a little scared of the future. What will happen to us? What will going down that road bring? What if we made the wrong choices? Marriage, for some, is a good way to fabricate the idea of control. That we have more control over the chaos in our lives and somehow that delusion should give us some small measure of comfort.
Some people get married simply because they want to and they think it's the right move for their life given the time and place. Most people, I suspect, get married because they don't know what to do next and the fear of that unknown just hurts too damn much to sleep with at night. | |
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| Why the need for marriage?
Posted: 5/15/2008 5:09:14 PM | Fantastic original post DJ CHICKIE; I agree with everything you said. Some are not good at relationships or into great commitments like that. They need their space or their make up isn't for marriage. I'm not into that but I think its responsible to live apart, while being exclusive. Great quote and I'm stealing that one.
In the roots of our family, in the last 100 years there is ONE; one divorce. I was brought up strict and was taught at an early age to respect and love women and in our family you are a whole person or you dont get married. Do you know for sure? We always have doubts, but what I was taught was that 2 halves don't make a whole. You dont NEED that person, but they compliment you. There are a lot of broken people getting into relationships and then disaster follows.
I've met some really nice people from this site; and I'm really pleased by it; young and old; and I have learned a lot. I'm not much into the internet dating thing, but It's been interesting. What has been hard though is to get to know people and the stories they tell about bad relationships and bad marriages, and it is beyond sad. To see such sorrow at such young ages, or to see people that are older with rough experiences. Everyone gets lonely and I can understand people marrying, but in the end, you need to be with someone that allows you to be yourself, while also helping you to grow.
Is marriage necessary; no; especially a bad one. But a good one literally is a lot of fun. My family really enjoys their spouses and there is always lots of laughter. Sounds corny but so what; My best memories are seeing my dad at Christmas watching my mom and all the fam around him. You couldnt wipe his smile off with a bat. Marriage in our family means a lot of joy, and I love my dad for showing me that.
The way things are today, has made us a very paranoid, cynical and sometimes frightened society. Anger clouds the mind, but fear controls it. Is Marriage necessary for me? yes; is it for everyone? no. good thoughts by all! thanks | |
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| Why the need for marriage?
Posted: 5/15/2008 5:30:44 PM | Yvanth; I think your post is good I also think you are passive aggressive against marriage obviously. There is nothing wrong with it but you say after 20 years a couple is married and still doing well and that is your example that marriage isn't needed. For them maybe.
Again, I think whole people are the ones that should be married. You don't care about what things look like to others or the perception of others. You are confident in what you do and who you are with and you don't need to be validated by society. Don't go with the flow; do what you think is right, and live by your foundation. The problem with our society is perception to some, is more important that truth and character.
I was just talking to a few friends about your question and I think the key is communication.
I remember that a friend that I just talked to and I dated for a short time. When we first met we didnt' like eachother. I thought she was a klingy stalker, and she thought I was an arrogant jerk. One day I said lets go for coffee; I just dont like the vibes. She's younger than I am but we got to know eachother and we are the best of friends. I realized I was being a jerk by just assuming.
What I'm saying is that when a couple starts to get serious they need to talk about the future and if there is one. Couples mind read or just go with the flow, and eventually it creates ill will and you see ghosts at every corner. If from the start the guy says, I dont believe in marriage, then you should be respected for that. You ALSO though need to respect the fact that its a deal breaker for that girl. She may want a marriage. You say its wrong for a woman to expect you to marry them, but I think its just as wrong for you to expect her to not want to marry. sorry for being long winded.
Yvanth this is a fantastic post though; simple but deep; great job! | |
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jurupa
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Joined: 2/12/2008
Msg: 45 | |
| Why the need for marriage?
Posted: 5/15/2008 5:50:19 PM | Marriage = A piece of paper that is a business contract that has the meaning of commitment
Why make this whole marriage thing complicated? Most women that want a marriage primary want it for the meaningful commitment, as well the whole image of it, and the status they may get for being married. See that was easy and no long ass post either. | |
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| Why the need for marriage?
Posted: 5/15/2008 6:03:42 PM | | Well sweetie that's your opinion. He's bashing my opinions. Like you said people have opinions and are entitled to speak them. So am I. | |
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| Why the need for marriage?
Posted: 5/15/2008 6:08:00 PM | jurupa; you are brilliant; we should close the post; you said it all.
I appreciate your short ass post; even though I think its one of the dumbest things I've seen in a while. | |
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| Why the need for marriage?
Posted: 5/15/2008 6:09:08 PM | | It's just a piece of paper to you but it's not to some of us. It's sad that some would rather live in sin and raise and corrupt children by doing so. Marriages don't have to cost a fortune unless the couple chooses to spend a ton. City Hall is an opinion - cheap wedding. | |
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| Why the need for marriage?
Posted: 5/15/2008 6:21:48 PM |
It's just a piece of paper to you but it's not to some of us
I think the comment was that it was a BUSINESS move, not so much 'just a piece of paper'.
It's a contract. A legal and binding contract and getting OUT of that legal and binding
contract is gonna cost big bucks and a lot of heart ache for some.
So if you don't wanna lose your pants, don't legalize it.
Society has labeled it "normal" to be married.... but for some it's about health insurance
benefits and the possibility of being comfortable if one or the other dies unexpectedly.
Again, BUSINESS.
NOT LOVE.
If you want commitment, that's in your heart, your head, your actions....
Not in a piece of paper that shows nothing but the legal aspect of your union. | |
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| Why the need for marriage?
Posted: 5/15/2008 6:28:19 PM |
It's just a piece of paper to you but it's not to some of us. It's sad that some would rather live in sin and raise and corrupt children by doing so. Marriages don't have to cost a fortune unless the couple chooses to spend a ton. City Hall is an opinion - cheap wedding.
Miss blue eyes your totally right; this is one reason why the divorce rate in the u.s. is so dang high; if it doesnt' mean anything to begin with to a person, its not going to mean anything ever and they wont' fight to keep it going or save it.
I do agree marriages are like a contest and that part is ridiculous, but a strong family rocks. | |
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