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| Are women turned off when you start to care about them?
Posted: 5/15/2008 9:30:52 PM | they are when they dont care about u the same way.
thats usually when u see how they feel about u.if they stick around it means they like u the same way but if they start backing off and making lame excuses like the classic' im sorry but im just not ready for a relationship right now at this point in my life cause...blah blah blah for whatever reasons" type of crap lol that means just wanted to have fun or just wanted to enjoy trying to see if i can make u fall for me but serious longterm stuff is not what i want.
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| Are women turned off when you start to care about them?
Posted: 5/15/2008 9:55:03 PM | | Get used to it OP, seems to be a growing trend. Same thing happened to me with my last g/f. We had a great time together for the first three months, everything was going great and then she turned on me one day with no reason. To this day, I still don't have a reason for it, but I think it was a multitude of factors, one being that I cared for her a lot and I don't think she cared for me half as much as I did. There are plenty of woman who will not appreciate men like yourself (or myself for that matter). The only upside is the fact that there are women who do appreciate guys like us, the problem is they are extremely hard to find. I have had very bad luck when it comes to stuff like this, but I hold out hope that some woman will appreciate me, but as I get older, my hope starts to fade and then when I read some of these threads and read profiles of some of these women, it really starts to fade tremendously, but hold out hope, you never know. | |
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| Are women turned off when you start to care about them?
Posted: 5/15/2008 10:38:47 PM | Did you ever ask her??? Seems you can ask us here, but we don't have a clue what was going on in her head ..
You pose the question "could it really be a turn off to her when she noticed that I cared and wanted to be around her more? Was she more attracted to me when I wasn't asking her out every weekend?"
She is the only one that can answer these for you. I am firm believer in going to the source when you have a question that involves someone else.
As far as the thread title goes ... "Are women turned off when you start to care about them?" Not this woman! Although I might get uncomfortable if I don't share the sentiment. Then it is hard, but I have to be honest with myself and with them.
~ keepin it real | |
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| Are women turned off when you start to care about them?
Posted: 5/16/2008 7:42:21 AM | You hear this all the time. You kind of ignore the girl, and she's all over you, then the moment that you start taking her serious, then she becomes aloof and dismissive. Part of this problem is that while the guy has no vested interest and have a take it or live it attitude, when he shows interest for the girl, he turns clingy, or starts to call the girl way too much or now is on her face so much. So while the girl first found some attraction to this dude, now she can't get rid of him.
It even happened to me. The girl I was going out with was all over me. But I would not commit. Then when I did, and realized that I was deeply in love with her, she began to sabotage us being together. So we split three times, fought, and now we are back together.
So I have to say that most of the time guys bring this predicament upon themselves. So how do you make sure this does not happen? Allow her to miss you. Missing someone is a huge emotion that not only lingers inside of you, it grows and grows without requiring the second person. So let go a little. Don't make it upon yourself to make all interaction possible. Make her call you as well. You don't have to be non-committal like I was, but don't go overboard in the other direction either. | |
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| Are women turned off when you start to care about them?
Posted: 5/16/2008 8:22:38 AM | ^^^^^^^^
You know of what you speak!
Give them the GIFT of missing you! Loose the bloody cell phone,
and don't EVER start with that texting B.S.!
If they are chasing you, they can't be rejecting you! | |
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| Are women turned off when you start to care about them?
Posted: 5/16/2008 8:34:14 AM | hopefully it's not about manipulation (as both posters above me support - though I do understand it often does seem to work this way)....
to me it's about balance in terms of not too much puppy dog begging :).... nor too much aloofness.
my feeling is a good relationship and connection is based on trust where both people can speak openly and really honestly and express what they need, so a balance can be reached...or not, if their feelings are really not matched.
otherwise, it smells to me too much of manipulating another's affections and if they are also playing the same game, then at what point do you/ can you say - "you know, i really like you." (without fear of scaring them off, or turning them off)
edit to add: from below - i think of it more as 'giving and receiving' (: | |
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| Are women turned off when you start to care about them?
Posted: 5/16/2008 8:39:41 AM | I don't know...I get that way when a female starts to care about me...Many issues I have pertaining to retaining (Wow! That Rhymes! - LOL) a relationship (That...and the excruciating heat in the kitchen), tend to get me going cold...Maybe it's the same for some women... | |
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| Are women turned off when you start to care about them?
Posted: 5/16/2008 8:41:43 AM | Don't forget though that there are a lot of unhealthy relationships!
Many being of the codependent variety, and clinginess is mandatory! lol
Some controlling/manipulative women just love to find clingy insecure men,
and sometimes the trap is set by their request for a caring man (NG)! | |
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| Are women turned off when you start to care about them?
Posted: 5/16/2008 8:54:28 AM | | Maybe she was a game player and wanted to prove something to you or to herself. Either way, in my opinion, it is better to find out sooner rather than later. Or perhaps she is more girl than woman and girls do silly things without reason. | |
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| Are women turned off when you start to care about them?
Posted: 5/16/2008 8:58:22 AM | | OMG! This is the same thing that happened to me just recently! I thought I was the only one this ever happened to. I met a lady on another dating site back in January and the identical things happened to me. In april things started to fizzle out and she told me that her business career was the most important thing for her now as she has never had the chance to do that because of bad marriages. She is married, Has children, And she wants a divorce from her cheating husband and says that later in the year if I were to hang on that things would get calmer and she would want be with me after her divorce and when her business gets settled on an even course. A question to all you out there: Should I have stayed the course with her? Or moved on like i am trying to do? Whats your opinions and thoughts? I have pondered this question for awhile. Wasn't trying to sound indecisive, But it affected me deeply. I Hate if I got "played" if thats the case here. But then on the other side of the coin, I didn't want to blow any possible chance I had. I had tried talking to her about it but when we tried to talk, She would get bothered try to say different things or say that I was being "too needy" Which is not the case. We are still best friends and everytime we meet, She always says "lovey" things to me and such. I feel i'm getting mixed signals here? And its mind boggling. She has introduced me to her children and they tell her that I am the best thing that ever happened to her. And that I'm a better fit with her. I just seem lost as to how to proceed here. Any thoughts and views are much appreciated. Thanks. | |
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| Are women turned off when you start to care about them?
Posted: 5/16/2008 9:01:15 AM | | I'm not sure what the issue is, here: she was happy with the relationship as it was, you changed it, and she expressed that she preferred it the way it was. It's not that you started to care--it's that you CHANGED THE RULES. | |
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| Are women turned off when you start to care about them?
Posted: 5/16/2008 11:43:34 AM |
Should I have stayed the course with her? Or moved on like i am trying to do? Whats your opinions and thoughts? I have pondered this question for awhile. Wasn't trying to sound indecisive, But it affected me deeply.
Today is her career, or her divorce, or a pie in the oven, or a bird that flew over and crapped over her car. In the end, it's all an excuse. So I would say dude, move on. A woman that wants to be with you, MAKES time to be WITH YOU. Period.
I think you need to tell her that if she needs to get her sh!t together, to go on, but that you have a life to live, so if at whatever time she finds her mojo, she wants to get together, it may not be there at all. And really, don't wait for her. Be affirmative about who you are. From the inside out.
And it works from the small things to the big things. For instance. My gf was getting ready to go to work and taking too much time dong little things here and there. She then complained that she was running late. Then later on we are ready to kiss goodbye and she barely gives me a peck and repeats her drivel about being late. It pissed me off, so while she repeats some other crap, I walk back to the Apartment and motioned in a dismissive way with my hand. She called me later on an apologized. And I told her that at least she realized what she did, and that is that you can always run behind things, and never, ever catch up. But when you give that treatment to your love ones, it is that treatment that eventually is going to be your life. So five more seconds will have not made her any later for work, but instead she would have gone feeling good about the whole day, instead that crap she pooled. She has not done that again, and instead we make time to that moment in which we say goodbye. It's stupid as sh!t stuff. But it's the symbolism that establishes how important the other person is in the relationship. YOU MAKE TIME FOR EACH OTHER. If that other person is important enough, make the fvcking time. If not, later alligator. Or your life eventually will be relinquished to leftovers instead of the main course.
That woman does not respect you because you do not respect the importance of your own time yourself. So start by giving yourself some value, and letting them know being with you also has a price. | |
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| Are women turned off when you start to care about them?
Posted: 5/16/2008 12:23:52 PM | | OutMind, Good advise. You don't know how bad I want to just drop her like a hot potato and let her do some really hard core thinking. But then I always feel and think, "No, Don't do that" I've tried the silent treatment before and it got her a little bothered. Maybe I should just ignore her IM's for awhile and see what she does first. I appreciate the thoughts and views so far. You all are a great bunch of friends here. | |
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| Are women turned off when you start to care about them?
Posted: 5/16/2008 12:51:58 PM | | OP, the point of her just having been divorced last year speaks volumes to me. She's probably being completly honest with you and just isn't ready to be serious yet. I'm that way myself. I have no desire to settle down or get really involved with one person anytime soon. I've been married since 19 and this is the first time I've had a chance to enjoy the adult single life. I date and have fun but if anyone started feeling like they were serious, I would probably do the same thing and let them know I'm not ready for serious right now and I don't know when or if I will ever be. In fact, I have one partner that I've had to tell that to and he had to decide if he was okay with that or not. We are at different points in our life. He is looking to settle down for the first time ever and I am looking to enjoy the single life for the first time ever. It's not a reflection on either party, just on the fact that we are at different stages in life. | |
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| Are women turned off when you start to care about them?
Posted: 5/16/2008 12:58:52 PM | kthyg,
No disrespect to women or anything, But If a women knew she did not want to be in a relationship for whatever reason then why lead a man into one and then the man starts caring like he should in a relationship? I understand the different stages point but if a lady knew that, Then why lead into a relationship? I for one would like to understand that. Thank you. | |
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| Are women turned off when you start to care about them?
Posted: 5/16/2008 1:10:26 PM | I just started dated after being married my whole adult life and when a guy starts to care I have to say it scares me. I feel smothered and trapped. Maybe I am not ready or just still enjoying my freedom but if you get my number I really really like you. I havent made it past a few dates with the same guy. Pubic hair in my bathroom again makes me want to puke | |
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| Are women turned off when you start to care about them?
Posted: 5/16/2008 1:29:21 PM | Musicman, she may have just thought she was dating. I have great friends I date who I also sleep with. Most people wouldn't know we weren't in a traditional relationship. I've learned a lot about communication over the years though so I make sure that I clarify up front that I'm not looking to settle down. Other people feel you aren't in a relationship until you talk about being in one. Until then you are just dating. It seems to me that when she saw things getting more serious, she clarified. Probably next time she gets into something like this she will clarify upfront.
The other possability is that she has found (as I have), that some men take "not looking to settle down" as a sign that a woman will sleep with anything that moves. I can't tell you how many men I've had to set straight. Just because I'm not looking to get serious, doesn't mean that I will help someone cheat on their wife or be treated with anything less than respect. It doesn't seem like a hard concept to me but I've decided some people are thick. | |
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| Are women turned off when you start to care about them?
Posted: 5/16/2008 1:38:57 PM | "kthyg,
No disrespect to women or anything, But If a women knew she did not want to be in a relationship for whatever reason then why lead a man into one and then the man starts caring like he should in a relationship? I understand the different stages point but if a lady knew that, Then why lead into a relationship? I for one would like to understand that. Thank you."
I am aware this wasn't address to me, but I just had to chime in.
I think when MOST ANYONE (male or female) firsts leaves a longterm relationship they go through a confusing time. There is suddenly a void where there once wasn't.
Different people have different coping skills to deal with the delimma, some healthy and some not so healthy.
Sometimes what feels 'familiar' is comfortable in the begining of a new relationship, but later becomes uncomfortable (i.e. attachment becomes stiffling).
Sometimes only parts feel comfortable and others don't (i.e. companionship, but not sex, or, visa versa).
I don't necessarily believe it's always intentionally "misleading."
I personally stay outta the dating game until I get my head clear, however long that takes. Others don't, or don't need to.
BUT, IMHO, a person WILL (in one form or another) have an adjusting period after coming out of a LT relationship. If I choose to date someone in this state, I make it my personal responsibility to watch my heart closely because things can turn on a dime!
Of course, that's just life in general!
just a few thoughts
EDIT:
Very few people that have recently come OUT OF A 'LTR' want to hookup with someone looking to GET IN A 'LTR'. From what I've read here, you appear to be the "GET IN" and she's the "OUT OF" in this situation.
just another thought | |
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| Are women turned off when you start to care about them?
Posted: 5/16/2008 2:49:33 PM |
Until then you are just dating. It seems to me that when she saw things getting more serious, she clarified. Probably next time she gets into something like this she will clarify upfront.
I think this is one of the points that becomes a major difference of POV between men and women. The phrase 'I'm not looking for something serious' really DOES mean different things to men and women.
Men most often DO interpret it as a sexual FWB type relationship. Women look at it as a B relationship with F being the main part in many cases. Men often start thinking that the FWB relationship is getting serious when the woman starts introducing her F-Buddy to her friends, her family and doing 'relationship' type things with her F-Buddy.
Men will most often NOT introduce the FWB to his buddies or friends if that is all it is.
This is what I mean when I say men get 'used' for relationship as often as women get 'used' for sex.
Many men want the sex without all the complications of a relationship. Many women want a relationship without all the complications of a relationship. | |
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| Are women turned off when you start to care about them?
Posted: 5/16/2008 4:15:09 PM | Whenever you seduce a girl by being aloof and playing the "chase after me" game you run the risk of beginning to really like her and killing your appeal to her.
either don't bother using that strategy or accept that it may happen. | |
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| Are women turned off when you start to care about them?
Posted: 5/16/2008 4:26:49 PM | I am glad to learn you are still in contact. I believe in leaving doors open ..... perhaps she does too.
Divorce is a horrendous/debilitating experience and I think she may be 'fragile/uncertain' for a very long time. Be patient ..... just don't be solely focussed either.
Best wishes. | |
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