| Are women turned off when you start to care about them?
Posted: 5/16/2008 8:36:49 PM | | Though I didn't start this thread, I am glad I spoke of what happened to me and I have gained valueable insights as to what has happened to me in my situation. Susieb, Yes, We are still friends at this point and like she told me by IM today that she had thought about me and her in some "us" together time. I try and understand her and the situation she is in but sometimes it gets so frustrating teetering from one extreme to the other. I'm not the "needy" or "pushy" type of person at all here. And I don't push her either. But there are times I just wanna cringe and speak my peace but if I were to do that, I would only make the situation that much more difficult. But I'm learning a lot from you all here. And I appreciate the views and thoughts on this. Thank you all! You are true friends here. | |
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| Are women turned off when you start to care about them?
Posted: 5/18/2008 2:21:10 PM | I'm very experienced and to the young guys out there trying to find their way, trust me and care for women. Care for people in general.
If you're trying to be good with women, look outside the box and think about the bigger picture of your life. Do good things, build your reputation, make it so people smile or their eyes light up when your name is mentioned.
If you're an awesome person, you don't worry about stupidity like being a player or trying to pick up at a bar. You can kick back on the couch with a beer and know they're just dying out there for you. | |
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| Are women turned off when you start to care about them?
Posted: 5/19/2008 11:27:36 AM | I'm very experienced and to the young guys out there trying to find their way, trust me and care for women. Care for people in general. If you're trying to be good with women, look outside the box and think about the bigger picture of your life. Do good things, build your reputation, make it so people smile or their eyes light up when your name is mentioned. If you're an awesome person, you don't worry about stupidity like being a player or trying to pick up at a bar. You can kick back on the couch with a beer and know they're just dying out there for you.
I agree completely, and well put -- but I have to be a little more blunt here to make a more serious point. The problem you speak of is very real, very common, and rarely addressed in a frank and gloves off straight-forward male kind of way.
Women today are dealing with new freedoms that men have dealt with for generations. Females don't seem to understand the caveats, or more likely just dont care. The younger ones are the worse as they think the new world belongs to them and that men are suppose to kiss their a**. Dumb men who cater to this line of immature female belief system are as much a part of the problem as the women themselves.
Way too many women have not dealt with this new world order very well, and are intent upon making mistakes for themselves -- the hell with whoever in our society has to pay the price for it.That is a big part of the dysfunctional behavior -- much of it driven by media induced romantic BS or fake lifestyles that no one can achieve. Anxiety keeps them from being happy, and the Perfectionism keeps them forever chasing some impossible male companion that reacts perfectly to their every whim. When they start to have doubts that a relationship will provide said whims, they pack and leave.
As to the appaulingly bad choices women seem to make, well a female friend of mine put it to me this way. An abusive man gives them what they want, namely security and predictablility. What have women kind done to themselves that this is such a common point of view? Good men are raised to be disgusted at this kind of thing, yet a significant portion of dysfunctionally thinking women flock to bad men like moths to a flame. I am not trying to stereotype here, but this is an example of one of many female thought patters that only women can cure each other of. Don't deny it exists, because it does. Ladies heal thyself.
As to that unspoken code of honor amongst males -- well sure it is out of vogue these days, because no one believes that it has a place any more. Anyone who has real life experience and maturity knows otherwise. That same unwritten code deals with doing good in your community, having compassion for the fallen, and granting others some basic respect even when they are dysfunctional. But it has limits. Those that hate you for being a better person are many, but let them wallow in their own misery. If caring about a woman makes her ansy and causes her to leave, then you are better off letting it happen and continue the search for the few rare women who are not so weak. People who think this way are on a quest to learn life the hard way, and you are just a stop on their journey. Just trust in them to hopefully find their own way to happiness at some point.
Like this last poster eludes to -- it is better to lead by example then to try and find examples to live by, but it is a hard road to live. If women hate you for that, then you are better off not having them in your life in the first place. Sorry if that kind of blunt truth ticks you off ladies, but this social cesspit we live in is a result of women wanting it all and taking any dam thing they please. Flame me if you want, but after twenty plus years of seeing women make the same relationship mistakes over and over and over again -- its time some one was blunt and direct. If this shoe fits you then you have a right to be peeved, but never the less it is something you need to thing about. You will learn more from a good man being direct then you will from a bad one trying to appease you .
OP Finding a woman who respects you for a human being is pretty tough to do -- but there are a few out there if you are patient enough to look. Don't tar you opinion of females with the same brush. There are exceptions. Nuff said.
Caveat Dator Pluris Fishius .  <-- Grrrr. Angry Fish | |
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| Are women turned off when you start to care about them?
Posted: 5/20/2008 2:25:11 PM | | Well ...... I've read 'all the replies'. I have to ask 'what planet' you guys are on ...... or those who have replied. You (men here - in general) show little understanding/sensitivity never mind a sense of commitment. No wonder you are 'here' spouting off. Forgive me. | |
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| Are women turned off when you start to care about them?
Posted: 5/20/2008 4:08:55 PM | You (men here - in general) show little understanding/sensitivity never mind a sense of commitment.
Um, not quite sure what you are trying to say here, other than it sounds like a slam on us, but you are condoning the actions of females that do this crap? Why is that? It is our experiences that the females we were with all did this, so what is your point? I never made generalizations that ALL women do it, but a huge majority do and that you cannot deny. The little understanding or sensitivity? That is total BS!! The last woman I dated that totally screwed me over showed me NO understanding or NO sensitivity as I tried to be there for her in every way and just didn't bother to want to give me a reason for not wanting to be with me, let alone any sense of commitment. Now days, I see more women backing out of commitments than I see men, as far as LTR's go. I think you need to go to your female brethren and ask them what the hell is wrong with them, as in why you say one thing and then magically one day you change your mind for no reason. The worst part about it is the fact that if a MAN does the same thing, we are labeled jerks and @ssholes, but for females to do this is acceptable? What a total BS double standard!!! | |
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| Are women turned off when you start to care about them?
Posted: 5/22/2008 9:09:10 AM | II think this has to be the most retarded post I have ever seen,
yes we do get turn off when someone starts caring about us,,ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Dude, think about what your asking
I agree, what a waste of space! Although Levi501s seems to be the only poster here worth reading. Way to go Levi! Less finger pointing and more just trying to understand where people are coming from. | |
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| Are women turned off when you start to care about them?
Posted: 6/22/2008 11:53:34 AM | when a women really likes u no.when shes looking for more than just a one night thing no.sounds like your women might have been one of thoses girls that either just enjoys getting a guy's attention and once shes got it she moves to someone else.ya some girls are screwed up like that.lol or maybe shes the type of girl that is attracted to men who play hard to get and act macho and stuff.when u started showing too many feelings she got turned off cause to her u might have started to come off as whimpy and too sensitive.i know its crazy but some girls are that frigged up in the head lol.
believe me if shes that much of an head case u dont need her.move your interest to a girl who deserves it and that will apreciate someone showing interest. | |
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| Are women turned off when you start to care about them?
Posted: 6/22/2008 12:02:06 PM | | I have been both a "yes girl" and a "no girl", on this subject. It only depended on how I felt about them. Mostly it's great to find that someone cares for you deeply. But when it's way too soon, depending on the circumstance, it's scary, and unsettling. It really just depends on how she feels for you. I think communication is the key to this issue. If you talked and discussed how things were going on a regular basis, in hind-sight, do you think you would be having this issue? | |
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| Are women turned off when you start to care about them?
Posted: 6/22/2008 12:12:43 PM | | Do have a look at this article: http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/datingtips/85967/dating-secret-exposed-why-nice-guys-finish-last. While this may be slightly off-topic, you might notice that women (and men) like to find excitement in life. When one becomes predictable, the other may find it slightly boring. As far as I am concerned, I do like predictability and find myself fortunate when someone cares. | |
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| Are women turned off when you start to care about them?
Posted: 6/22/2008 12:32:53 PM | hmmmm
I don't think turned off is necessarily the correct term for this experience you describe. Of course, I am assuming that it feels nice...it's a good thing to feel cared for.
but there may be a natural backing off period, for women and men, when someone cares for them, and they feel it happening. It could be happening too fast, or, it may just need some time to develop...although, it does sound like you have seen each other for a period of time now, where this can seem confusing.
While it may sound like a 'nice' way of dumping you, sometimes, I need more space means just that....everyone needs it. But 'I'm too self absorbed to be in a real relationship" is a bit more serious of a statement to make. That I would pay attention to.
In either case, these are two 'experiences' that have happened to you. I am not sure that it is necessary to form a postulate on these, and draw hard lines in the sand at this time.
It would be nice if two people just 'knew' at the exact moment...but the truth is, that everyone moves at a different pace. and that must be respected, and hopefully talked about.
good luck
~~~~~~~~~~ "kimbo ``````````````````````````` | |
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| Are women turned off when you start to care about them?
Posted: 6/22/2008 5:14:51 PM | You changed it..it's too much for her..you aren't at the same level of 'like' with each other..if you were..all would be good.
hmmm, never heard or read that before: " same level of 'like' ".
Maybe a company should invent a Like-O-Meter to test levels of like -
then one could say that to be true.
Maybe she was just a Run-Around-Sally; once she got a fill of you, she went down the road. She probably had other guys she was doing the same thing to as you at the same time (all too common). A lot of women (as well as men) just test the waters and then decide to go in for a swim, or go to somewhere else.
**Don't ever think that they're that innocent not to take advantage of someone. | |
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| Are women turned off when you start to care about them?
Posted: 6/22/2008 5:25:13 PM | i don't know why, but i'm a real fan of doclove.com & the challenge theory. check out that website. it sounds like bs, but it's true IMHO.
i don't mean to, but i love the mystery & when a guy becomes too predictable i lose the initial type of interest. losing interest doesn't mean i leave though. when i lose that kind of interest i may develop another kind - i may care for the guy more even. it's just that you move from the initial type of interest to either a different kind or less than before.
basically when one person in the relationship changes, the other one has to. there is no other option... | |
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| Are women turned off when you start to care about them?
Posted: 6/22/2008 6:10:05 PM | here's a good example....
when i worked at this one job, a customer actually waited in line to see me and made it obvious she liked me and didn't give me her # but told me where she worked....after i moved from her city i drove to her city about 4 times over quite a span of time to visit friends but i took the opportunity to stop by her workplace to see her...she was a waitress....the first 4 times i offered to drive her home and she made an excuse each time...the fifth time i didn't offer to drive her home i was just like "nice to see you again but im gonna head out now" and she got all panicked and asked for me to drive her home...strange but true | |
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| Are women turned off when you start to care about them?
Posted: 6/22/2008 6:15:02 PM | | hell I wish I had a man that cared about me like that.I seem to be getting guys that all they want is some ass and never call you. You get tired of that stuff but to answer you question no its not a turnoff for me personally but every woman is different. Some just dont want nothing to do with a relationship. | |
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| Are women turned off when you start to care about them?
Posted: 6/22/2008 6:27:12 PM | Re the Opost
If the OP was a woman and the dumper a man, most would cry: Playa!!!
So I think that is one possibility: SHE is a Playa!!!
Not played for relationship as another poster suggested, but for hanging out company and for sex. And when the OP got more serious, she bailed out! Thus a playa! | |
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| Are women turned off when you start to care about them?
Posted: 6/22/2008 9:15:00 PM | Sounds to me like she saw you as a challenge at first and maybe after only being divorced a year, she panicked a bit when you got more serious and realized she really wasn't ready for anything more.
Other possibility is she realized she wasn't ready to settle down with one guy again yet and once you two got intimate, if she doesn't believe in multiple partners, she feared she might get "trapped" with you and lose her opportunity to date more before she was ready for a relationship again. | |
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| Are women turned off when you start to care about them?
Posted: 6/22/2008 9:22:08 PM | OP...you actually waited THREE MONTHS before you hit that?
WTF?
It sounds like she wanted a "fantasy" relationship...and the ugly and unpleasant realities of life (particularly w/ you) intruded upon that fantasy.
In the future I would suggest two things:
1) Listen carefully to and read closely any correspondence and.or phone calls that you have w/ a woman to weed out the fantasy-prone.
2) Don't wait three months to have sex w/ a woman. PERIOD.
IMHO,three weeks is way too long...especially for something that's going to somewhere.
Waiting for sex is waiting to be disappointed.
And who wants to wait for that? | |
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| Are women turned off when you start to care about them?
Posted: 6/22/2008 9:23:15 PM | polarization
IMHO< It's a magnetic tick with most women that they want the ones they can't have, so your aloofness in the beginning was intriguing to her, but when you statted calling more, she lost interest. DIDJA Ever notice how when you go out somewhere alone, not that many women pay that much attention to you, but when you go out on a date, seems like every woman in the place is gazing and watching you? I've actually had women tell me they're interested in those guys because they appear to be having a good time with someone, and they're, in a sense, jealous. But show up alone, same guy, and they won't even look. LOL
Never try to understand women. 
Unless you like getting aneurisms, of course. 
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| Are women turned off when you start to care about them?
Posted: 6/22/2008 10:22:42 PM | I think that there are some women that may find a guy that fawns over them too much as a puppy and tend to take them for granted. I don't think there can be too much generalization about such things.
I, for one have way too much of a rebellious streak in me and at the first sign of someone thinking they have me dialed in and figured out, they might wind up with a huge surprise. I think it's about guys always remembering that they have a pair of balls and should not be afraid to use them on occasion.
There is a lot of bad behavior in the dating world, I probably have perpetrated some of it myself. I think keeping an open line of communication and finding a mature person to date in the first place is the challenge.
You cannot have a relationship without trust, respect and communication. Once any of those are gone, things will deteriorate quickly. | |
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| Are women turned off when you start to care about them?
Posted: 6/22/2008 11:46:54 PM | | OP, it could be partly to do with the fact that she enjoyed the chase, or it could be something you said or did to put her off you. Maybe you went from being Mr picky to being Mr desperate all of a sudden. Maybe she saw something in your character she hadn't noticed when you weren't together so often. Whatever the reason, the best thing to do is just accept it and move on to the next person. | |
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| Are women turned off when you start to care about them?
Posted: 6/23/2008 6:22:36 AM | Sounds to me that she just wants to play the field. Its women like her that give us serious ones a bad rap. When you were "taking it slow", she had time to date Tom,
Dick, and Harry at the same time, so she could take full advantage of all of you. Just dont let those 2 experiences make you give up hope, there are some of us out there who want just one man to be with and spend time with. And with patience you will find her and be much happier. | |
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