| Wife wants me to find a friend with benifits
Posted: 5/16/2008 9:54:20 AM | I have been in your wifes shoes at one point in my life and offered this same thing and I did it out of guilt. Thankfully my ex never took me up on the offer.
You both need to talk get a check up and see if there is another option for you. | |
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| Wife wants me to find a friend with benifits
Posted: 5/16/2008 10:08:39 AM | | the only answer is divorce. which is what i and some others have also said. however op already knows what to do. he is only posting here becuase he wnats to share with everyone that his wife is allowing him to sleep around. its more or less a bragging. he dont need advice because someone earlier said its in his profile that he is looking for sexual encounter or something. i havent read it yet. but if thats what it says then he happily alreayd made his decision. He just wants to brag about how he can have his cake and eat it too. must be some kind of turn on for him that we are all responding to his ridiculous thread. now I have read profile. op you claim your not a bad man...well your a cheater and that to me is a bad man. | |
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| Wife wants me to find a friend with benifits
Posted: 5/16/2008 10:24:18 AM | This thread is 3 pages long so it looks like most don't find it ridiculous. I find it re-hashing to same ole "is it ok to cheat if I'm not getting fvck everyday" thread.
OP don't do it. Seriously don't. If you think life is bad for you now wait till you do this FWB thingy. You'll be wishing you would have spanked your monkey ALOT more. Either get marriage counselling, divorce, loose weight whatever you need to do just don't do this. | |
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| Wife wants me to find a friend with benifits
Posted: 5/16/2008 11:52:04 AM | The latest research on women's libido (sex drive) is that lack of sleep can cause a lower sex drive. The hormones that increase sex drive are secreted during sleep.
This isn't just because she would rather have another hour of sleep than have sex. The sex drive is lowered because she has fewer sex hormones and therefore WANTS less sex, or sex less often.
Also, when a woman is pressured for time, research shows she first cuts out exercise and then sleep. If still pressed for time, she will then cut down her social life, then eating healthy, (a candy bar at work rather than packing a lunch), and then sex.
Getting less exercise also decreases libido because exercise helps the body secrete hormones that increase libido and improve sex drive.
If a woman takes less time to eat healthy (eats fast food on the run, for instance), she is at a higher risk for weight gain, diabetes, sleep apnea, and high blood pressure. EACH of these things has been proven to lower a woman's libido. Creating less desire for sex, not to mention, making her feel less desirable.
Sleep apnea, weight gain, and diabetes, in particular can also lead to depression, and it is a well-known fact that many of today's anti-depressants have "sexual side-effects," which is a euphamism for lowered sex drive and an inability to orgasm. (This is not permanent.)
There is additional reasearch that shows that sleep deprivation affects women's health more adversely than it affects men. Women get sicker (inflammation, high blood pressure, weight gain, and other problems) from lack of sleep than men do.
As previous posters have mentioned, low thyroid, which is more common in the midwest (can be a lack of iodine from eating less seafood), is also a significant cause of lowered energy level in general, and lowered sex drive in particular. Even a borderline lower thyroid (which doesn't always show up on the thyroid level tests) can cause this. You can have her try a thyroid supplement from a health food store if she is borderline.
Some hormones that appear after pregnancy can cause a woman to sleep lighter than men, perhaps to be more aware of when her baby is in distress. This can cause her to wake more easily to any surrounding sounds, including if her partner snores.
Menopause has also been shown to reduce the amount of sleep a woman can get, because of being awakened with hot flashes.
If she has had a hysterectomy where her ovaries have been removed, she will naturally have fewer sex hormones, and could take replacement hormones.
All of these things are treatable, and a sleep study can help pinpoint further problems with sleep.
When women are surveyed about their sex lives, this could be why many women find it very romantic and sexy when the man contributes to doing some of the chores and errands for a day or two (so she can get some much-needed rest and exercise).
So here is Dr. Ideoform's prescription for a wife's flagging libido:
Find out what errands and chores are pushing her over the edge and do some of them for at least a week to free up some of her time. Be prepared for her to use this time to catch up on other postponed projects, before using this time to actually rest/exercise more. Might need another week.
Take her for long walks on the beach/in the park.
Pack a healthy lunch for her to take to work for a week.
If you snore, get that taken care of (there is a simple surgery that can help, or you might have to loose weight, or you can aquire a CPAP machine.) Or have her or you use the guest bedroom for sleep for a week (if it is comfortable and quiet.)
Make sure the bedroom is very quiet and dark, and that you don't watch TV there. Make sure she is very comfortable in bed for at least a week and gets a minimum of 9 hours of sound sleep every night.
She should be rested enough in the morning to not require as much caffeen during the day. If she can cut out caffeen altogether, you are doing great (and she will sleep better each night.) Also, she shouldn't require any sleeping pills or alcohol to relax if you are doing this right. Sleeping pills and alcohol, besides both becoming habit-forming (addictive), also both interfere with deep sleep.
Make sure she has the time and the energy to go to her Doctor and get blood levels checked for low thyroid, and diabetes, and possibly a sleep study.
I figure within 2 to 3 weeks, her libido will be off the charts.
(If not, you can e-mail me and I will provide a full refund on my advice.)
Do you remember the saying, "I have to get my beauty sleep."
My feeling is that back then it was impolite to say what it really meant, "I have to get my ______ sleep." It probably means that a woman is not only more beautiful when she is rested (frowns less, is sick less often, is less irritable, and rushed), she also feels more beautiful, desirable -- and desires to share that with you more.
I hate to contribute to the suspicions of others that your wife is less attracted to you sexually, or that she is planning to cheat on you. I think this is a much more likely explanation considering that you haven't mentioned any other marital issues, and you should consider this first before hinting or accusing her of any infidelity or lack of interest.
Unless you are sure she is, if you were to suggest or imply she is thinking of being unfaithful, this is more stress and very un-romantic in itself. It is particularly stressful to have to defend yourself of doing something you are not doing. And might be even more stressful if she feels embarassed about wanting/needing physical intimacy less than her husband. | |
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| Wife wants me to find a friend with benifits
Posted: 5/16/2008 3:20:05 PM | | wow thats harsh my only advise would be to serious think about this, in my mind it would be unthinkable to do something with someone while being married, start jacking off alot? idk hard question | |
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| Wife wants me to find a friend with benifits
Posted: 5/16/2008 3:39:01 PM | One more thing that increases libido in both women and men: sunlight on bare skin. We need a minimum of 15 minutes per day (you don't have to be totally naked, although I think that would work nicely, too.)
As far as the FWB goes, I suggest that if you have decided to go that route, that you try a trial separation during this time, instead of "cheating" while living together. Separation can make the heart grow fonder.....  | |
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| Wife wants me to find a friend with benifits
Posted: 5/16/2008 4:05:37 PM | Insist that your wife see her Dr and go with her. If she is approx your age she may be going through menopause and with her hormones out of wack the lack of sexual interest is a VERY common side affect. Or she has simply lost interest in you.
You love her and she loves you. Why would you even consider a FWB? | |
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| Wife wants me to find a friend with benifits
Posted: 5/16/2008 5:49:00 PM | | Not a good thing to do, keep using the old standby and let it be.......people say one thing for many reasons, guilt, selflessness etc etc...but when it comes to reality that trust issue will pop up....and then your wife is going to think will he fall in love with her, is she really better than me, will he be better off with her etc etc...my opinion | |
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| Wife wants me to find a friend with benifits
Posted: 5/17/2008 8:04:50 AM | | AS long as everyone is a consenting adult and is being honest with each other... then i do not see that you have much choice other than to consider how to put your wife's advice into opperation.. | |
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| Wife wants me to find a friend with benifits
Posted: 5/17/2008 8:13:24 AM | Wow this is really sad.
When I was younger I was determined to save myself until marriage for whatever moral reason I thought I had. My thinking process went to 'If he wants sex he can sleep with whomever he wants as long as he comes home to me' this of course would stop after marriage yadda yadda. Then I woke up one day and realized I shouldn't have to let some guy get his rocks off with other chicks just to be with me. My perfect guy would get by without sex. I mean I wasn't talking being a told prude and never touching the guy, just never going all the way.
So all of this being said, I think it's really sad your wife thinks so lowly of herself that not only will she not have sex with you, she's willing to let you have sex with other women.
Get her some counseling ASAP. Maybe if she had a better self esteem she'd want to have sex with you and not consider a situation so foolish. I can't even imagine you, a grown man, totally ditching 'for better or worse' and even contemplating this idea even if she suggested it. Open or not, this isn't the road to a better relationship. | |
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| Wife wants me to find a friend with benifits
Posted: 5/17/2008 8:38:57 AM | When the love making goes, it's usually a sign that things are over and just a matter of time before the other shoe hits the floor. It hasn't gone completely, so not sure what's going on.
I would agree with others that it may be a sign of guilt. Are you sure that she's not seeing someone else? Really sure? If it slowed down for you, is it picking up speed for someone else?
My recommendation is not to do anything that until you are sure what the cause is. "Counseling" really only works when both people are willing, but it may uncover things that you need to know or be working on right now.
Once you cross that line, it's very difficult not to drift further apart. And if something that can be worked on, you'll regret seeking someone else - even if she told you to do so. | |
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| Wife wants me to find a friend with benifits
Posted: 5/17/2008 10:04:34 AM | | At the end of the day you are both adults. And can make your own choices. Is you are both open and honest thats a start.Some folk have a fb for years and are both still happily married. But is a choice that you both need to talk about. | |
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| Wife wants me to find a friend with benifits
Posted: 5/17/2008 10:14:16 AM | Sounds like an open-minded premenopausal woman who, unlike you, is not taking hormonal replacement therapy and has other priorities in life (I've read in your other post that you are taking Viagra if I am not mistaken). Go for it! I mean, if it's something both of you do not mind... unless, don't know, maybe she said it grudgingly or something... some things are not to be taken literally.
The question to communicate well on with your wife is... how do you know you do not grow attached to your FWB and not end up leaving your wife for her? How does your wife know you won't do that? Or is your marriage already doing so bad she would not mind?
One other thing is - you've got to communicate with her in advance just how much she wants to know. If she does not want to know where you go, it's perfectly fine, but if she does and you lie to her, that can cause a huge trust issue on her part.
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| Wife wants me to find a friend with benifits
Posted: 5/18/2008 2:29:24 AM | | Well thank you everybody I appreciate all of the input (yes even the ones that can tell me how ****ed up I am) You have givin me something to think about. I still dont know how this will end up but I have made a few friends from being on here FRIENDS that is all. anain thank you ALL | |
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| Wife wants me to find a friend with benifits
Posted: 5/18/2008 9:27:21 AM | Geez some of the lengths you married guy's go to seeking sex! 
It's always the same old story....."I don't get enough at home". How about doing something about it other than seeking cheap sex on the Internet.
The bottom line is.....IF YOU LOVE YOUR WIFE YOU WOULD NOT WANT TO BE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN Full Stop. Seek some counseling.
Im not I can still go every day .....Self promotion is never a good thing.....A penny for every time I have heard that! | |
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| Wife wants me to find a friend with benifits
Posted: 5/18/2008 9:59:05 AM | Have you ever thought your wife might have a medical condition? When your partner has a low sex drive or non existance, sometimes it can be from a lack desire or from not knowing about existing medical problem. Ask your wife to get blood test from her hormones, thryoid, to glucose to rule out this lack of desire. As some post suggested, this can be the reason for her lack of desire.
Once you have ruled out this non desire, talk to therapist to find out why she's not into you sexually? Can you live with knowing you have slept with a friend with benefits and not be feeling guilty? I'm sure this thought and invitation to have your needs filled by a friend and not your wife, is tempting. I would talk to your wife, explore some of my suggestions, before you do something, that you can't take back with no regrets and you explored the reason why she doesn't want it. | |
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| Wife wants me to find a friend with benifits
Posted: 5/18/2008 10:24:52 AM |
If I was married and all I could have was my hand, I would not be married long.
I think this is very telling. Good luck to you finding a nymphomaniac.
OP, you say you and your wife are meeting each other's needs emotionally. If that is the case, why seek sex outside your marriage? You can have sex all by yourself ~ you don't need a woman for that. If you get the human contact, closeness, affection, etc. from your wife, the whole thing makes no sense to me. I would have to concur with many other posters ~ this sounds like you're seeking validation to cheat. If your wife truly wants you to do this, I would suspect there is a much deeper reason, as some posters have also said.
Unless you feel your marriage is already doomed, this probably isn't a great idea. | |
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| Wife wants me to find a friend with benifits
Posted: 5/18/2008 11:08:11 AM | Well having ED for some time has given me a different perspective. The few ladies I have been intimate with wanted more than I was able to provide, or at least afford at $12 each time. Since I cared about them, I explored other ways of pleasing them that I could do as often as they wished. Maybe it was not ideal, but it was workable.
Seeing a doctor is great advice; a physical problem should be dealt with. It does come down to whether your wife cares about your needs or not, and you about hers. If you both do care, then the two of you need to find a way that both your needs and hers are met. If she, or you, really does not want to be bothered, that is a bad sign for your relationship. In my experience, this is the hardest issue to discuss honestly between husband and wife. If you both have a genuine desire to resolve it and cannot do so on your own, find a professional with experience and let them help you.
I would never accept the kind of accomodation your wife has suggested. Even if you and she are fine with it, there is another person involved. I tried to be that other person once, and I cannot recommend it. If you and your wife cannot work this out between you, then in my opinion it is time for you both to move on. | |
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| Wife wants me to find a friend with benifits
Posted: 5/18/2008 11:52:36 AM | | Wayword, what a wise and compassionate post. I concur. If I were committed to a man I loved and these issues came up, I would do everything I could to resolve it within the relationship. I would not support the idea of either of us having sex outside the relationship. I don't think that would solve the problem, but it would certainly create more problems. Although sex is an important part of relationships, it is not the only part or even the most important part, IMO. Commitment means enjoying the good and hanging in there through the not so good. | |
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| Wife wants me to find a friend with benifits
Posted: 5/18/2008 11:06:17 PM | I don't have time to read the whole thread right now, Bikerman, but I wanted to respond and suggest that you do some reading on perimenopause/menopause. If your wife is the same age as you are or close to it, she is likely going through this or will be soon. It is quite possible that her sexual drive has diminished due to this. It will likely bounce back at some point, especially with plenty of understanding and support. If you don't pressure her and continue treating her well and with plenty of gentleness and TLC, she'll likely bounce back quicker.
I really recommend a little marriage counseling just to be sure that you're both on the same page and that communication is going well between you. You may think communication is fine and productive between you but it may not be. There are a lot of things to consider and many questions to ask in this kind of situation, frankly. Let an experienced, reputable marriage counselor lead you through this. Don't rush into anything except getting you both to a good counselor licensed in marrige and family therapy.
Whatever you do, don't act on her suggestion or off the cuff remarks. As soon as you begin to cheat on her, your marriage and the trust within it will probably break down. It is extremely rare that open marriages work out and endure. I would also reassure your wife daily that you love her and that she's enough for you. Tell her that you'll see her through this, that you've both overcome much worse and that you're not going to abandon her.
Edit: I see you've already got a profile going that is seeking your friend with benefits. It may be too late at this point, but I suspect your wife was testing you on some level, perhaps even subconsciously. If I were you, I would delete this profile asap and not return to this single's dating site until you and your wife have spent at least a year in marriage counseling. You can do as you please, of course, but I doubt you'll continue to be married if you keep venturing down this road you've now embarked upon. It's a shame we won't be able to find out what happens. I would love to know the end result of this..
Good luck. I think you're going to need it.
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| Wife wants me to find a friend with benifits
Posted: 5/19/2008 12:19:25 AM | OP, you have to come back in awhile and let us all know if this thread
convinced any women here that it was OK to have an affair with you
since your wife said it was OK. | |
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| Wife wants me to find a friend with benifits
Posted: 5/31/2008 4:28:35 PM | | Dont be fooled by this test! Women are evil! How can you trust a creature that bleeds for a week every month yet does not die? Its witchcraft i tells ya lol Seriously stick with the wife things may get better with time and professional help | |
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