| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/17/2008 6:20:19 AM | My neighbors across the street got into a tussle one day. I was outside grilling when she stormed out. She had obviously just gotten smacked in the face because it was so read. Who knows what else was going on?
At first I was just glad to see that she had gotten out of the house. But about 10 minutes later she walked back to her house and started grabbing her children. This ensued a tug of war over the kids. This was the last straw. When kids are involved, there is no excuse whatsoever. So I called the police, who are only about 3 blocks from my home. Of course it took them 10 minutes to get there, but they were able to settle things down.
Within 3 weeks the idiot was back with him again. As much as I would like to place full blame if domestic violence on men, I have to give the enabling women some of the credit as well. | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/17/2008 6:26:35 AM | ^^^^^ to RSwindol...
In a situation like that, you just keep calling the authorities over and over again. Eventually the children will be removed from the home. That is in the best interest of the children, and sometimes that is the 'wake up' call for both parents. | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/17/2008 9:12:07 AM |
Women have jobs, kids. Hiding out in a shelter isn't always a desirable option. You eventually have to leave the shelter. Most women in abusive relationships are brainwashed by their abuser. Forced to abandon all other relationships leaving them alone and vulnerable.
And you just made my point for me. All of those are nothing but EXCUSES. Sure, it isn't desirable...but would you rather be beat on? I guess so.
Small town counties DONT HAVE SHELTERS!!! That cuts the options down fast. And what if the big city shelter is full? No room for more
If a woman were to go to a police station and say 'He is beating me and I cannot return home'...THEY WILL FIND YOU SOMEWHERE TO GO. As far as big cities...MOST of them will make room. Again, nothing but excuses.
I do agree with you about the children though. And sadly, those weak minded individuals shouldn't have had kids if they were/are not willing to do what it takes to provide them a safe, stable home.
~Welder's Girl~ | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/17/2008 9:19:41 AM | | Welders girl, you're young. Everything is not always black and white. Do some reading on this subject. Even with all the resources, even with all the understanding about this subject it continues. Must be a reason. | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/17/2008 9:36:06 AM | Ummm... I used to be a volunteer (5 yrs) for our local domestic violence program. So I do know how small town counties, without shelter areas operate. Due to budget problems... our program will ONLY pay for 3 nights at a local motel. After that.. she has to foot the bill, or have found a back-up place in the meantime. So if she truly doesnt have anywhere to go, she ends up back home (due to finances) with the abuser... in which... chances are the beating will be 10x's worse than when she left.
I've been in an abusive situation and I've volunteered for the program that helped me. I understand it from both sides of the equation, and I understand how our small county program lacks the options that big city programs offer. There are variables to every situation. Not every situation reads like a text book.
I do believe you are a bit naive to the problem. Just because it works one way in your neck of the woods, dont ASSUME it is that way everywhere. It's NOT! And some small city police depts maintain a 'good ole boy' network of attitudes, therefore you can't rely on the police to help you. What is even worse... is when your abuser is a cop!!! Then what?????
Twice we had a situation where the husband had clout with the police dept. That was a real trick trying to help those mothers with children in our small county. Most common citizens that would privately open their home to a homeless mother with children dont want a cops family hiding in their house. It's asking for serious trouble if the abuser finds out who is helping them.
PS.. A mother with minor children can not 'hide out'. BY LAW... the father is innocent till proven guilty, therefore, lawfully is allowed to know where his children are staying. Makes 'hiding out' rather tough. | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/17/2008 10:27:53 AM | Here are 2 other brick walls to this problem... 1) the 'generational' influence 2) Devout religious sector
1) If the abuser is a result of multiple generations of abusive relationships, and the victim also was raised in a multiple generational family of abuse, they dont RECOGNIZE the situation the way we do. They were programmed from birth that this is acceptable behavior. I've heard the horror stories of how a adult married daughter would cry on her mother's shoulders, only for momma to tell her to 'toughen up' and make your marriage work.
The motto of most domestic abuse programs is... "breaking the generational cycle"
2) The more devoutly religious a woman is, the more apt she is to use her pastor/religious leader for guidance/therapy. I've heard some real mind bending stories about that as well.
There are still some warped religious leaders that will counsel these poor victims... you must pray that God will forgive him, which translates to she must forgive him as well... God is testing your faith, which translates to, get stronger and put up with it... the list of senselessness within the religious sector can be real mind numbing.. | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/17/2008 12:05:23 PM | I've read that police hate these calls, because of the amount of times they have to fight the woman when they start to put the man in their car. So staying on the side is best.
How about sending an anonymus letter to the husband, informing him that people know what he's doing. And continuing will result in police intervention being called. It might be enough, cause once the police become involved his anger goes way up, and ability to control it even further down. Not likely, but possible. | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/17/2008 12:43:30 PM | | Phone the police, they can actually step in and file charges of spousal abuse on the husband even if the wife doesn't want to. Also children are involved, so if the mother is going to stay with this man and do nothing to protect her and the children, contact CPS. They do not deserve to live in a home like that. | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/17/2008 12:46:00 PM | | To welders girl, if you have never been in that position please do not claim that it is excuses...you dont know what abuse does to a persons mental capacity....very low self esteem, scared to death because of the threats to themselves and their children....some women have never worked in their lives, have no families, no friends(due to husband keeping them away)etc etc...believe me I know have been in the system as one, have had friends and seen it thru being a foster child. | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/17/2008 12:52:23 PM | Welders Girl, I usually enjoy reading your posts, but I have to say, what you have said in this thread SICKENS me. I am NOT a weak woman, and I do NOT take sh!t off of people, but guess what? I was in an abusive marriage, and I guaran-damn-tee you I didn't LIKE it. Way more goes on than just being punched in the face. It would behoove you to educate yourself on domestic violence- it could be your daughter someday. I highly doubt you'd tell her she must LIKE it.
I seriously don't think I have ever read anything on here that has infuriated me as much as that. Unbelievable.
I've read that police hate these calls, because of the amount of times they have to fight the woman when they start to put the man in their car. So staying on the side is best.
They hate them because they are extremely volatile situations which are extremely dangerous for police to be in. Doesn't have anything to do with fighting women off while dude is getting shoved into a cop car. | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/17/2008 1:07:15 PM | Victims of abuse, men and women, don't stay because they have options. They stay because they are so beaten down and so emotionally damaged they often don't believe they deserve any better. Its not right, and its not easy, but after having lived in that situation, they believe it to be true. There are studies, there are theories, and then there are the actual people involved. I have heard that it takes a person 7 attempts before they will leave an abusive relationship. Some manage to do it sooner, some later. There is no easy answer. Bottom line - if you see it, or hear it - report it. I have known people - women AND men - who are in these relationships and will say that they stay because they didn't think anyone cared. That's not the case here - as the OP has clearly said. You keep calling. She'll figure it out sooner hopefully than later.
And as to people who say there are choices, maybe there are. But until you walk in their shoes, it is very hard to know what they "believe" their options are.
My 2 bits worth.
jtf. | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/17/2008 2:46:05 PM |
You can also call child protective services and let them know what is going on in the household and you are fearing for the children's safety.
this was my first thought as well. once child protective services are involved, the police will automatically become involved as well.
the child/ren would be my first priority, seeing as the wife isn't thinking clearly. | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/17/2008 5:38:45 PM | Thank goodness there are others on this form that realize that the children need to be taken out of that situation.
They are voiceless children, who have big hearts, and do not understand all the anger and hatered that they are seeing.
These types of actions sit heavy in their hearts and can cause so many issues as they grow older.
Depending on how old they are it may take a few years of counseling and a lot of love and patience to help rebuild their self esteem and to feel safe again.
NO ADULT SHOULD PUT A CHILD THROUGH ANY FORM OF ABUSE!
If the parents want to stay in that type of relationship then that is their issue. But it should not be something that the children have to live with. They probably hide in their rooms when the fighting is happening, either hiding under their covers and crying or sitting in a corner rocking back in forth in fear. NO CHILD DESERVES TO LIVE LIKE THAT!!!!! | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/17/2008 5:58:18 PM | OP I agree with those who advise calling the police. They are trained to handle the situation, you are not. When children are involved, it is even more important to do this.
However I disagree with those who suggest you get directly involved, whether by confronting the man or by giving the wife support and information. A man who abuses his wife is not going to take kindly to another man getting in the middle of it in any way. You may make it worse for the wife, dangerous for yourself or both.
I speak from personal experience in this. Situations get out of control very quickly. I got in the middle of a situation when I did not know the whole story. The woman was accused of having an affair with me and ended up in the hospital. The man threatened to put me in the bed next to her. | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/18/2008 11:49:01 AM | I've never been a victim of abuse but from what I understand, if it's happening to a spouse, it is very likely happening (if not now, it will happen eventually) to one of the children. Usually, one child is targeted in the family.
I would first, call your child protective/welfare system. You can do this anonymously (sp?) I'd give them a heads-up; that this is what you hear and know. They'll go interview the kid(s) at school. For what it's worth, they do the best they can. If there are enough calls into their system, they'll begin to track the family, without actually opening a formal case.
Are there other neighbors? You can speak with them about this and come to some agreements. I lived on a street where we could hear a family member become violent towards another. We all agreed that each time this happened, we'd all put calls into the police department at the same time. After about 4 or 5 months of doing this, the police took action and finally arrested the guy for disorderly conduct and harassment. We didn't see him for a while and in the meantime, the wife and 2 kids moved away. | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/18/2008 2:09:33 PM |
How should I handle this, since I have to hear it all the time now? How incredibly insensitive!!!
When it was just a sporadic occurrence, was that acceptable as you didn't have to hear it all the time?
Anyone with two brain cells to rub together should know that if you see someone being beaten up, call the bloody police... and not simply because it's infringing on your enjoyment of whatever mainstream television show you are watching.
Or better yet... during the fights, post a question on the forums asking if you should do anything. I'm sure that will be a great help to her when she's in the hospital!!! | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/18/2008 3:02:14 PM | They hate them because they are extremely volatile situations which are extremely dangerous for police to be in.
A friend of my brothers was murdered answering a Domestic Call. Very volatile.
I like Vancers suggestion. By all means call the police - from your cellphone as
your leaving your house. No one will be the wiser. make a call to
your local child services center also. If you dont want to call the police at least
get someone out to that house to investigate the welfare of the children. | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/19/2008 7:31:23 PM | Call the police next time you hear them. Multiple reasons;
If he's abusing her it's only a matter of time until he starts on the kids
If he's not beating them now, being witness to the abuse is having a terrible affect on them psychologically
Children who were abused are more likely to become abusers
The children are learning through example that this is the way to deal with conflict
No matter what lame excuses she is making, it's just wrong and she's enabling it by not doing anything about it. Everytime he gets away with it it reenforces in his mind that he is right and she deserves it and he has the power to do it. The beatings never get better, they always get worse. Her excuses are a load of crap. I can say this because I've been there, so if some of you try to lambaste me for being too harsh, too bad. It's a hard world, a hard situation, and it takes hard descisions to get out of it. She has recourses, BOAT LOADS of them! If she's too weak to do it for herself that's her descision, but if she doesn't do it for her kids, that's abuse in itself because the kids will have lasting scars that she could have prevented.
I'm sorry, I've been there, I have no sympathy if she would rather put her kids through it than be strong for them and get her arse and theirs out of that place. The posessions are just that, material posessions, nothing more. They're ALL replaceable. Her life and the lives and future of her children are not.
Call the police. | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/20/2008 6:51:20 AM |
Her excuses are a load of crap. I can say this because I've been there,
He never mentioned her making any excuses so how do you know? Just because you've been there does not qualify you as an expert on domestic violence. In fact, you're far from it. She could be staying to protect her kids, ever think of that? She could LOSE them if she leaves. The most dangerous time for a victim is when she is leaving. Fact.
Why don't all of you with this same attitude just go down to the local DV shelter and kick the victims around some yourself? That's what you're doing with your piss-poor attitudes, and lack of education as it is, so you might as well give them the bruises to go with it. I hear they LIKE it.  | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/20/2008 7:11:45 AM | This is unfreakinbelievable.....obviously those of you who have said they like it.....have never been abused and you do not understand the mental abuse and brainwashing that comes along with it. Most of the time they have their self esteem taken away before the physical abuse even starts, they are made to believe that after all is said and done, it was THEIR fault for getting hit, punched and shoved.
Leaving is not that easy especially when kids are involved. But unless you've been in that situation you honestly can't understand how deep it all goes.
To the OP....you apparently heard it numerous times before and you haven't done anything yet? In my eyes THAT is the reason why women end up being killed by their husbands, kids die by the hand of their parents.....because people know what's going on and they don't do a darn thing about it. Makes you every bit as guilty!!!
And yes, I also have been in an abusive marriage and I was once beaten in public, think anybody would've stepped in? No! People need to stop being ignorant....you see or hear abuse, you call the cops, I don't care if it takes oodles of times.
Anywho, all of you who think they must LIKE it.....I hope it never happens to you, because even I (before I got abused) thought "I'd get hit one time I'd be gone".....
Have a great Day and I don't know how you sleep at night with this ignorance. | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/20/2008 7:19:11 AM | | Pasquel, would really like to know just how long it took you to realize and get out of your situation!!!! How many excuses you gave because your SO browbeat you...Are you going to say the very first time he was in anyway abusive whether it be verbal, mental or physical you escaped? | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/20/2008 7:22:55 AM | | Sgt is the abuser military also? The military has a great deal more resources than a small town. The police report is the first step in getting intervention whether through the community or the military. She isn't capable of making a rational choice to stop the abuse, so it your responsibilty. Don't shirk your duty Sgt. | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/20/2008 9:23:56 AM | Call the cops and keep calling for disturbing you and making a lot of noise. They'll get the message sooner or later.
At least you don't get directly involved. Far better that way.
If it is military, they will tell her to move out of the military housing, leaving her in a bit of a situation. She married him, not the army. (Check "Womens Panel on Violence and Abuse". )
Military guys are trained to be rough and tough, take no crap from anyone and respond with violence. Trained that way. Drilled into them daily. Then you expect them to turn into some milquetoast when off duty? Please...it isn't going to happen in a lot of cases. Many military wives and gf's accept this. Often they take their queue from their fathers who had been in the military. Base living is a far different thing than from living in a small town...but has all the features of city living. Including help for domestic violence. The army has coma a long ways in intervening with couples with a violent union. Often he has to take anger managment classes and pass...or he loses his job. His choice. Charges can be laid. He can be temporarily housed elsewheres. Lots of things the ilitary does now, in a timely manner, that would surprise the average citizen.
Anyways...a lot of coules don't want to "make things work" by learning to change their attitudes and behaviours. All I can say is for people to take it slow...don't get tied down until you are sure you know the person...otherwise you wind up with a failed marriage.
Sure, the kids are important. They too will learn that abuse is not acceptable.
There is a fine line between "abuse" and being set in your ways. A simple change in the tone of voice could be mistruded as "shouting". So what? A raised voice is NORMAL, when a person is upset. Anyone NOT doing so is probably holding back a lot of stress and it is building up inside them...which is a far more dangerous thing than verbally venting.
Do these people need "help"? not really...or at least not professionally. Going out and talking to a friend is usually sufficient enough. there just is not enough "help" out there...or we'd all be carrying phsychology degrees in out back pockets! When they get "out of control" and start whacking people or go out, get drunk and start fights...then sure they do. But the person that takes it out by chopping wood or whatever...they have found their way to deal with their inner anger. Some go to hookers...getting the stress relief needed before going home. Does the wife offer that type of service? NOt often...then wonder why the guy is so "uptight" about things so much. I am not saying wives should be hookers...but they DO need to be more aware of their spouses needs, rather than livng in their own little worlds where it is all about them.
then again...guys need to do the same thing.
Things DO get complicated, don't they?
You can toss in religion, morals, blah, blah, blah....but it all works down to stress, no matter how you slice it, and how people deal with their stress. | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/20/2008 9:43:51 AM | Well folks, I WAS in an abusive relationship and there were two children involved also. His verbal abuse was one thing b/c I could ignore his words. HOWEVER, THE VERY FIRST TIME HE LAID HIS HANDS ON ME he had a Colt Anaconda being held to his head while I packed my stuff and HIS children's stuff (I dropped them off with their aunt). Words are words...they can only make you feel bad about yourself if you let them. If you let someone drag you down with words, then that is on you. Fist....you should leave the very first time you are physically abused. Plain and simple.
For those that continue to go back to their abusers once they have a way out or continue to stay once they have a way out...yep, in my opinion they like it. Someone mentioned having their SO charged FIVE times....once should have been enough and she should have removed herself from the situation. Why would you keep returning? Kids...excuse. There are such things as emergency custody orders.
The fact of the matter is, is that most victims of abuse pull the poor pitiful me act and want someone to rescue them from their situation. THERE IS help out there but people decide not to take it or don't even go through the process of seeing what is out there.
I'll never forget when my older sister called me crying that her SO had beat the dog shit out of her. I told her she could come stay with me and that our brother would come and pick her up and help her get her stuff. Her reply 'No, I can't leave him'. WHY THE HELL NOT? She wouldn't have even had to go to a shelter. She would have been in my house and we could have figured everything out. She doled out excuse, after excuse, after excuse as to why she couldn't leave. And it was all BS. Hated to do it, especially since she is my sister, but I told her that if she wasn't willing to leave then in the future don't call me crying b/c since she was turning down help offered to her that said to me she wasn't interested in her life being any better.
And to those that claim it's the kids...well, I say that is a sorry excuse for a parent to let their children live in that sort of environment. Those weren't even MY children and I packed up their stuff and took them somewhere that they would be safe. He tried to get me for child abduction, but since I could prove he was abusive the judge laughed right in his face and told him he would have charged with me endangering a minor if I would have left the kids with him.
Like I say...excuses, excuses. You are in control of your life...not someone else.
~Welder's Girl~ | |
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