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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/21/2008 2:04:34 PM | I am sure when this guy was beating her , that he also made threats on her life and perhaps the childrens life as well. Its easy for anyone to lay judgement on this woman about EITHER leaving or staying. You are standing in as safe world where your not fearing for your life tonight , many women are not that lucky. Thier thoughts and moves are all made from a unclear ,fearfull and confused mind. ...some men like to keep thier women in that state ..unsure of anything and dependent on making him happy that day..when HE is happy...then SHE is happy and no one gets beaten....crazy cycle. ....people get used to anything if they are exposed to it on a regular basis , it becomes the new "norm"..
You should at least talk to the guy and tell them to keep it down over there...maybe you could taunt him into swinging first...call him a woman beater.. etc..then just feed it to him....I hate guys like that...grrrr ..
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/21/2008 2:23:16 PM | "Not everyone is emotionally strong enough to leave. Not everyone has grown up with enough self esteem to demand to be treated better",
"Then they have no business getting married and having children".
This response made me laugh. Do you honestly believe that even half the population is emotionally healthy? That those raised in abusive, dysfunctional homes have no right to get married and have children and expect a good life? Again, blaming the victims. The abuser is the one with a problem. He is the one who should be judged here. | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/21/2008 2:26:17 PM | And she's the one who chose him - yes, the victim is partially to blame for ignoring the warning signs that were there and marrying an abuser
Laugh all you want, I'm laughing at the ones who think women are helpless victims who have no culpability for their poor choices. If you're not emotionally stable and too immature to have kids then it's not fair to them
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/21/2008 4:44:28 PM | Yes, good. She would take his side hence the reason why I tell any guy that is interfering with a couple not to get into it when a fight is going on cause she can turn around and say you started the fight with him and it's both their words, against yours.
Just stay out of it, if she continues to get beaten then that's her fault for not leaving. It's none of your business so it's best to stay out. | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/21/2008 5:11:13 PM | ^^^ Last two posts: how do I know that you were never victims in an abusive relationship...
As somebody once said, don't criticise others, because you don't know what they are going through until you are in their shoes.
Ex-victim talking here.
And yes OP, I reiterate, call the police and tell them what you've told us. Next time, a bad hit and she could get killed. Or one of her children could try to defend their mum and get damaged. This is no joke. | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/21/2008 6:40:34 PM | I could never be a victim in an abusive relationship, I'm a guy.
The bottom line is, it's none of his business. I'm sure people heard of "mind your own." Think about it, you don't like it when people get in your own business and other people don't like it either.
Don't do it. Just imagine you call the police and this guy knows it's you and nothing happens to him and then he comes after you. Let her handle her own business, she's an full grown adult, she can speak, she can call the police herself. I saw this type of stuff happen before of people interfering with other peoples conflicts and them stiring up more trouble. | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/21/2008 6:42:23 PM | You're right, Rosalinda, and I do empathize - but do you think it's by accident that at my age I've never been in a relationship where I've been hit?
Ah, don't be so sure, Raitano, men most certainly do get abused
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/21/2008 6:45:04 PM |
but do you think it's by accident that at my age I've never been in a relationship where I've been hit?
So what's your point? | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/21/2008 6:50:20 PM | My point is that I don't choose abusive men - I have been with creeps, yes, but not the kind that hit
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/21/2008 7:40:36 PM | I will concede to the fact that protective orders are faulty and a piece of paper isn't going to stop a bullet. But, the abuser would have probably killed the victim in the long run. So, at least the victim tried to leave. If the abuser resorts to murder, then he will be dealt with. But, those are rare cases and they make big news and then people use THAT as an excuse. "Well, he has threatened to kill me, so I'm not going to leave". Bull shyt. The chances of you getting killed if you stay are MUCH higher than if you leave. Look up that fact.
Anyho....OP, this is obviously a touchy subject for some and hopefully you have gotten the answers you needed. The only thing you can do if you don't want to be directly involved with CPS, is to contact a guidance counselor and by law they have to report it.
~Welder's Girl~ | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/22/2008 8:45:08 AM |
Victim-Blaming and Relationship Abuse
One of the Center’s main goals is to eliminate barriers and increase survivors’ access to safety, resources and support. Victim-blaming attitudes are one of these barriers and place survivors in greater danger.
First of all, where does it come from?
Victim-blaming is a way of distancing oneself from an unpleasant occurrence and thereby confirming one's own invulnerability. By labeling or accusing the victim, she can be seen as different from oneself. People reassure themselves by thinking, "because I am not like her, this would never happen to me."
Why is it dangerous?
Victim-blaming attitudes only work to marginalize the victim and make it harder for her to come forward and report the abuse. If she knows that you or society blames her for the abuse, she will not feel safe coming forward and talking to you.
Victim-blaming attitudes also reinforce what her abuser has been saying all along; that it is her fault this is happening to her. By engaging in victim-blaming attitudes, society allows the abuser to perpetrate violence against his/her partner and escape accountability.
What does victim-blaming look like?
Example of Victim-Blaming Attitude:“There are possibilities for a happy relationship if both parties are willing to change.”
Reality: This statement assumes that the victim is equally to blame for the abuse, when in reality, abuse is a conscious choice made by the abuser. Every person has a choice in how they react to their partner’s actions. Options beside abuse include; walking away, talking in the moment, breaking up, respectfully explaining why an action is frustrating, etc.
Additionally, the rules on what “provokes” abuse keep on changing. Abuse is not about individual actions that incite the abuser to hurt their partner, but rather about the abuser’s feelings of entitlement and desire to control their partner.
When friends and family remain neutral about the abuse, by saying that both people need to change, they are colluding with the abusive partner and make it less likely that the survivor will seek support.
What can I do about it?
* Challenge victim-blaming statements when you hear them
* Do not agree with abusers’ excuses for why they abuse
* Let the survivor know that it is not her fault
* Hold abusers accountable for their actions
* Acknowledge that the survivor is her own best expert and provide her with resources and support
Remember if you are aware of abusive behavior and do not speak out against it, your silence communicates implicitly that you see nothing unacceptable taking place.*
*Bancroft, Lundy. Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.
I had a couple other things I wanted to quote, but they are in PDF and it's not liking FireFox right now. | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/22/2008 3:12:53 PM | | victim blaming is not right, (if the victim chooses to leave), but if they stay then THAt is their own fault. If they stay, yo ucant sugar coat it and cklaim theya re STILL innocent, because theya re not! BTW, she stayed, and now CPS has taken her kids....thank god! | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/22/2008 3:14:10 PM | | people who "SYMPATHISE' with the woman who is NO LONGE A VICTIm, because she chose to stay. These people are enabling him just as much as she is! | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/22/2008 4:24:30 PM | Ok, I shall say something about women who undergo abuse, based on my own experience and, although this is not applicable to all, it is applicable to some.
When I met my ex, he was highly educated, home owner, money conscious, seemed responsible, etc. We had 10 months of dating when things were progressing well and in the right order. We decided to move in together, and the shouts started. I believed it was stress, perhaps. Things got worse as his hold over my life increased.
He alienated friends. He would control my telephone calls and internet usage. Progresively, it became a hold over every aspect of my life. I talked to his sister, assistant pastor to our then church. She said there was nothing they could do until he came forward of his own accord. He was everpresent. So I waited.
He eventually left work. He was in the house all the time. I couldn't make a call or go out without him knowing and wanting to know what and why, many times he would come out with me. When trouble would happen, he would take hold of the phone so I couldn't use it, and hover around the front door so I couldn't get out. Sometimes, I managed to get out, once he cought me and took my car keys before I could run away.
The neighbours (semi detached house) heard it and saw it. They saw me running to the car in tears. They heard the shouting and banged on the wall. That would wind him up and he would beat me even more, and harder if I made a noise. Many times, I was trapped without being able to get out or to call the police. Once, he dragged me by the hair, I screamed "help, help". The neighbours were in. Another time, I was using my mobile to call for help, he saw me and he came to give me more and to try to get the phone from me.
My point is: I was trapped, many times, especially when things escalated beyond control. And I wish that the neighbours who were hearing and seeing things, would have called the police. You can do that and wish to remain anonymous. In one of those beatings, a punch on my head could have been fatal. And then what?
Luckily for me, I found a job and managed to convince my husband to let me take it so I could bring some money into the home. Gradually, I recovered my confidence, in being somebody more able and capable than just bringing up the little one. When things started to go downhill again, I gave him an ultimatum and, 10 days later, after another episode, I left, to never go back.
Abusers alientate their victims. They push people away. The victims spend the vast majority of their time with somebody who destroys them. Eventually, you don't feel beautiful, able or worth of anything good anymore. You start to believe it when they say that you deserve to be beaten because you are bad. And it takes something very drastic to pull you out of that rut. I've been there, I've come out, and that's why I say this.
If I ever had any suspicion that anybody is being abused like this, I would contact the police. There was a time in my life when the only two things keeping me from taking my life were my daughter and my faith. I don't wish such torment on anybody.
I say it again, call the police. But, if you feel you don't want to get involved because of whatever lame excuse, at least, for the sake of everything worthwhile in this world, never judge those who are in the receiving end of domestic violence, because you don't know what took them there nor what's keeping them there.
One thing I can assure you all: nobody stays there because they enjoy it. It's hell. | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/22/2008 5:14:29 PM | | I laugh at those of you who claim " we dont want to be beat" but continue tooffer up lame brained excuses. You can read all the books yo uwant, but thats not neccesarry. if he beats you, LEAVE! The first time its his fault. But if y oustay, then its your fault. You have no one to blame for that, but yourself. I have noticed, the womebn in here all claim the guy had a great job made good money etc. I think im seeing the REAL reason you all stay and let your kids be abused! YOU get pissed off at the OP, who is a wonderful man, just because he sees right thru your BS! | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/22/2008 5:15:59 PM | | Mr raitano....that attitude is a punk attitude. Mind your own buisness? are you serious? This guy cant do anything, he can only beat women!!! Hes a coward. You sound like a woman beater yourself! | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/22/2008 6:12:24 PM | | Call the cops!!!!! Any time you see or hear anything that doesn't sound right, please call the police. Idiots who beat their wives should be locked up for good. Things (I can't bring myself to call a wife beater a person) like that have no place in our society. | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/22/2008 6:42:35 PM | Mandy, you're young, sweetheart. Grow up and then get back to me. I will never accept responsibility for what happened to me and you can say it's our fault all you want, but it just shows how much growing up you have to do, and well, your extreme lack of intelligence. I've done more than read books, pumpkin. If you want to think that years of research by people with doctorates that specialize in this field are full of shit, then cool, keep your head in the sand.
It could happen to you someday, and while I should, I wouldn't point and laugh at you. 1 in 3 women experience some kind of partner abuse in their lifetime. If it's not you, it's someone you know. I honestly don't understand how you people can be so incredibly cruel and heartless over something as serious as this. Not one of you have any desire to try and see the other side. No one has disagreed on the OP calling the police, and most everyone has advised him not to get in the middle of it. There was no reason for this thread to turn into victim bashing. | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/22/2008 8:20:28 PM | | But it always does. Why so many women put up with it for so many years. The embarrassment, the shame of being an abused woman. Just like rape victims they did and do deal with a lot of prejudice. Seriously, we need to quit wondering why anyone would stay in such a situation and focus on the real problem, the abuser. The woman being beaten in this situation has been judged more harshly than her abuser. | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/23/2008 5:20:16 AM | | It might be best to take careful notes and details about the violent incidents you see, and the evidence you notice about them. I think you are right about the problems with pressing charges, and also the evident problems the victim of abuse has in facing her attacker. However, if the abuser ever gets charged and goes on trial, you may be called as a witness, and your testimony might be important in persuading a jury he is guilty of the offences he has been charged with. For this, you need careful, consistent testimony that will stand against the best efforts of the abuser's defence attorney to discredit your testimony and his wife's accusations. If police take no action, still take as many notes describing the evidence you see as you can (without trespassing or doing anything criminal). Police in criminal investigations and prosecutions are often helped greatly when a member of the public privately offers a tip off or crucial testimony or evidence during the progress of the case. Justice can be slow, but one day you may well be called as a witness to a trial, and what you say and how consistent it is in court will be crucial in ensuring this abuser is convicted and punished for his crimes. | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/23/2008 10:20:04 AM | To the poster who said he could never be a victim because he's a guy. Wanna bet?
Guys are victimized just as much as women...but most often it goes unreported.Who wants to state they got beat up by their GF or wife or whatever. Also, there is the gay comunity...they have the same problems too.
Often, when a male does report abuse, he gets hauled off anyways. Also, the cops try to hide their grins, as do the lawyers and the judge...hey...it's a guy. He should be able to defend himself...but lord help him if he does!
Nope...any abuse can and does happen. The mor eit is reported and becomes socially unacceptable, the better off we all are.
So...report it. Get it on file. Then, if the time comes, say, over a nasty custody case, you have those reports to back up what you say. Not to mention the huge financial gain you will achieve by possibly NOT losing your home. | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/23/2008 10:36:40 AM | | I need to grow up? I knew youd say that, poorwhitegirl. I ahve gorwn up, more than you. I know for a fact NO ONe can make you stay and take a beating. No one expect YOU! If by grow up you mean go and be as stupid as you, and take a beating? NO THANKS!!! | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/23/2008 10:38:11 AM | | poorwhite girl, if he beats you its HIS FAULT. If you dont leave, tHATS YOUR FAULT!!! How many men did you have a chance with, that dont ebat women? How many did you say"Your a nice guy but i love him". So yes, staying is YOUR FAULT! | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/23/2008 12:03:42 PM | First of all, be careful with the name calling or you can take a visit to banned camp. Secondly, I didn't have a chance with any men while I was with him because I was married and I'm not like that. Thirdly, you are 20 years old. I have 11 more years of life experience than you do, so no, you aren't. Fourth, it still isn't my fault, and you know nothing to be a fact. How many times in this thread do I need to say that it is proven that the most dangerous time for a victim is when she is trying to leave? I have way more knowledge on this subject than you will ever have because you choose to ignore it.
It could happen to you at anytime. Thinking that it can't is a very dangerous way of thinking. For the record, while I was hit a few times, it was mostly verbal and emotional abuse. My self-esteem was beaten down so far that I felt like I had no other choice but to stay. What made matters worse is that we moved to the country and then I was more isolated from the outside world. I'd rather be beat than go through the emotional crap ever again. It's taken a very long time for me to regain my self-esteem and I won't let the likes of you reverse that. Have fun trying though! 
yna, I don't think men are abused AS much as women, but they are out there, and you're right- it isn't reported as much because of the social stigma as well as him having a greater chance of being arrested than her. Same with gay and lesbian couples.
I do want to suggest that anyone in an abusive relationship who files for a restraining order, ask to speak with the victim's advocate. They aren't very well advertised, but just about every court has one on hand. They can help you fill out the paperwork and will help you in court to the best of their ability. They are a very good asset to have on your side. | |
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| my neighbor is beating his wife
Posted: 5/23/2008 1:22:06 PM | "I could never be a victim in an abusive relationship, I'm a guy."
Sorry to burst your bubble, but you're wrong there, buddy. Men CAN and ARE subject to abusive relationships. I have several male friends who had either girlfriends or wives who were physically/verbally abusive towards them. The problem is most men don't report it. Why? Because of that societal stigma of men being the "stonger" species. And if a guy is the victim, then somehow he's less of a man. It's total bulls**t of course, but until people start changing their views on gender, I'm afraid things like this will continue.
And for those out there who say to just mind his own business.....it's all well and good until somebody turns up dead, isn't it? It's difficult for someone who has not been through an abusive relationship to understand why someone would put up with something so terrible. I used to have that "well, if a guy hits me, that would be it! I'd be out the door! If you stay then you deserve what you get!" attitude.
But then I went through it and I know better now. Abusive relationships are gradual--most abusers start off by tearing down your confidence and self esteem, little by little. It starts off with just little comments they make, nothing that would raise alarm. But over time it gradually eats away at you--abuse victims feel they have to stay because they have been made to believe that they are no good, that they can't stand on their own, that without the other person, they are nothing. THEN it gets physical.
It took me years to break away, and even longer to get my self-confidence and self-esteem back. And when I did, yes, I felt stupid for staying so long. I felt foolish for letting it go on as long as it did, and idiotic for the ways I justified his behavior. And I feel anger and frustration when I see other people (women AND men) who are in the same situation but can't break away. But it's easy to see it in retrospect. At the time you couldn't have told me. It takes years for people to realize what's right in front of them.
OP, I would advise you to contact the police. If something fatal occurs and you were just sitting there, pretending you didn't know what was going on, then you will feel more guilt and shame than humanly imaginable. Unfortunately, in the long run, you can't help this woman if she doesn't want to be helped. But you can at least show you care about her well being. | |
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