| lack of communication can kill a relationship?
Posted: 5/16/2008 7:49:26 PM | Posted by: newyorktomboy on 4/16/2008
I have met a guy that I have strong feelings for but he seems distant and not sure if he feels the same as I do. When I ask he says things like lets just take one day at a time. He is trying to evade my questions and not have to say anything that would hurt me. Yet I feel in the pit of my stomach that he is not on the same page as I am. I have known him a long time and we broke up but got back together. He has never been married and is 50 yrs old. When he touches me or kisses me I melt. I get butterflys when i see him. He turns me on in everyway. How can you stop having strong feelings for someone till your sure they will recipicate?
If this is the same guy your talking about ... you share the blame for getting yourself into this mess.
He had me fooled big time. But its over now. I am hurt but I will get over it.
More like, you, had you fooled ... and I think the sooner you can learn to be honest with yourself about your own choices the better off you'll be.
Worse still, you now call him an abuser. On what grounds or action I wonder? That you couldn't change him?
It would seem to me the only abuse going on in this relationship, is the result of your own actions.
Glad to see your finally moving on though ... sorta.
ok bye bye now  | |
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| lack of communication can kill a relationship?
Posted: 5/16/2008 7:52:28 PM | | I am confused you said he is pushing you away, and later you said how do you get rid of him. Do you know what you even want? Maybe you have sucked all the juice out of the relationship by talking about it too much. | |
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| lack of communication can kill a relationship?
Posted: 5/16/2008 10:23:44 PM | All abusive relationship cycle through several phases. I am not likely going to say this exactly right as it has been sometime since I have had call to think about it. Anyone else, please feel free to amend.
It starts with the Honeymoon phase - everything is good, very good, lots of love and attention
Then the abuser starts getting irritable, more and more unpredictable - Escalation
Then one day, the Explosion of anger, blame, violence, substance abuse, ect.
Shortly after comes the Apology, where the abuser promises to change, to never do it again, will cry and beg, tell you how much they love you and couldn't live without you, ect.
You soften, are convinced by the apology and take him back for another turn of the wheel......
His tears are real and he is feeling contrite, but those things are in no way shape or form, evidence of change. The fact that he seems to have no desire or ability to talk about his feelings does leave him more likely to act out those feelings and/or let them build up. But you will know when you've had enough of it..... and then the crocodile tears won't faze you. | |
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| lack of communication can kill a relationship?
Posted: 5/17/2008 2:56:37 AM | | Your right vinca in the past i would have felt sorry for him and let him stay. But this time I was not going to fall for that. he did leave but ended up calling through out the night and threatening me with idel threats about hoping my abusive ex husband takes me to the cleaners and he will help. He also said he does not believe I was ever abused. He said every possilbe thing he could think of to take his anger out on me for not putting up with his abusive behavior. | |
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| lack of communication can kill a relationship?
Posted: 5/17/2008 3:08:31 AM | This isn't about a lack of communication....this is about a lack of respect and a lack of any kind of committment, caring or concern for you.
Put his ass on the street, lock the door and don't look back. Anyone who is emotionally, verbally or physically abusive is not relationship material.
And you probably need to be doing some self examination to figure out why you let someone treat you like this in the first place and why you keep attracting guys like this. Do you hate yourself so much that you're willing to settle for crap like this rather than be alone? | |
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| lack of communication can kill a relationship?
Posted: 5/17/2008 3:12:22 AM | Sure looks like he is doing a lot of communicating now, after you got him to leave. Why are you even bothering to take his calls or even speak to him.
Don't keep hurting yourself, put him out of your life completely and go and take care of yourself. | |
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| lack of communication can kill a relationship?
Posted: 5/17/2008 3:18:59 AM | | He IS communicating......you're just NOT listening! You need to realize that LESS than 10% of all "communication" is "verbal". His actions are communicating loud and clear....you just don't like what you're being told. | |
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| lack of communication can kill a relationship?
Posted: 5/18/2008 4:01:26 AM | Communication is important. However, it sounds as though there are many more problems here than just communication.
I have found that many, MANY people have issues that they constantly seek to 'sweep under the table'.
I am not saying that tomboy brought this on or deserves what happened in any way. So let's not go off on me. K.
REPEAT: I AM NOT SAYING......
However, I have found that there are some that will find themselves in such relationships because they themselves refuse to acknowledge their own 'issues' and, if you will, 'communicate' honestly with themselves about this. Issues such as depression, bipolar, self-esteem, substance abuse, issues from their adolescence, etc...
I used to be one of those people. I constantly found myself with a woman that had one or more of these issues. I thought that merely by providing a loving, caring partner that I could 'fix' this, undo or work through such problems.
Sadly. I learned that you can not help them. They must help themselves first. First, they must acknowledge the problem. Then they must seek to do something about it. This is pretty much ninety nine percent of the battle.
Tomboy's guy here clearly has 'issues'. Tomboy - these are not your problems. There is no amount of support, seeking to communicate, etc that you can give to change this.
Do let it go. His harse words - while I am sure they hurt - are meant to make you feel badly and to take him back. Do not do this. Let him seek the help that he needs.
While you are taking a moment to 'get over it', you might want to reflect on why you were in this relationship and put up with such behaviour. Do be honest with yourself.
Perhaps you might discover that there is something that drives you to such men and gets you to 'put up' with such behaviour.
Best to all. | |
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| lack of communication can kill a relationship?
Posted: 5/18/2008 4:04:56 AM | Now that he is out, make sure he stays out.
Dont let him back into your life to turn it upside down again.
As another poster said you need to take some time for yourself,
by yourself.
Figure out , what you did wrong , in this relationship.
He is an abuser, and the first time you saw the signs, you should
have ended it.
Figure out why you let it go on as long as you did.
Where YOU made the mistakes.
You probably moved too quickly and moved in together too quickly.
Take time by yourself and heal, before getting into another relationship.
You do not deserve to be controlled and manipulated the way you were.
If this is your second abusive relationship, take stock of this, and realize
you are setting a pattern.
If a person moves too quickly when you meet, there is always a reason. | |
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| lack of communication can kill a relationship?
Posted: 5/18/2008 8:35:05 AM | Stevelfun wrote-
However, I have found that there are some that will find themselves in such relationships because they themselves refuse to acknowledge their own 'issues' and, if you will, 'communicate' honestly with themselves about this. Issues such as depression, bipolar, self-esteem, substance abuse, issues from their adolescence, etc...
I agree Steve. I have been in 5 yrs of counseling for all these issues and am doing really well. The reason I fell for this guy is because he is charismatic and fun and a very good kisser. He made me laugh and was a good lover, He helped with the bills, But he was begining to be controling and verbablly abusive. I had to weight my feelings for him verses his behaviors and addictions. I was torn between my feelings for him and the fact that I was unhappy being treated the way he treated me. One minute he would be real nice and sweet and the next he would be bossing me around and putting me down. In the past I would have stayed with him for a long time and let him destroy me mentally. But because of cousneling I am able to see the red flags make a decision to cut ties right away before it goes any further. Hurts like hell but it has to be done. I am a work in progress. I don't think anyone has arived at perfection. | |
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| lack of communication can kill a relationship?
Posted: 5/18/2008 8:38:18 AM | | why on earth would u wnat someone like that. leave. i cant express it enough.....LEAVE. who in their right mind would want soameone like that. lose the loser. leave him to his bottle of beer. | |
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| lack of communication can kill a relationship?
Posted: 5/18/2008 8:40:50 AM | stevelfun I would like to add that this person I was with had issues with addictions, depression, bipolar, unresolved childhood traumas, alienation from his family, countless bad relationships, stuffing his feelings down inside and not dealing with them. He even told me last week he need help and was going to make an apt to go to counseling. I thought that was a good idea but he was blowing smoke up my you know what. He never made one attempt to do that.
What puzzles me is he left and left alot of stuff here and never came back to get it or call to make arrangements to get it. I have no clue where he is. I hope he is in rehab. I wish there was a cure for abusive behavior. Its a shame that so many can't treat others with respect. | |
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| lack of communication can kill a relationship?
Posted: 5/18/2008 8:52:29 AM | Lack of comms ruined my marriage, she wouldnt discuss anything or tell me how she felt.
Eventually she left me for someone else.
About 2 months later she tried to come back to me saying he wasnt right for her !
I refused to take her back............ | |
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| lack of communication can kill a relationship?
Posted: 5/18/2008 9:06:14 AM | ^ Yes, abusers will open up and share their "feelings", when it serves them to do so. Exactly as you said in your prior post, "When a man crys I get weak", if he knows that he can "use" it as a manipulation tactic to suck you back in - women can do the same thing, crying as a 'tactic' to get their way - equally manipulative.
Now, that said, everyone I think can cry to express their emotions - there is nothing wrong with crying over, say, the loss of a loved one. However, there is sometimes a fine line between crying over the, say, ending of a relationship, and *using* that to try and suck them back into something that is wrong. If you know its wrong, you need to stick to your guns, and say "I'm sorry that it hurts, but its what is best for me, and probably for both of us in the long run."
"He drinks a lot and lies", and the lack of 'normal' communication, sound like things that will be toxic to any relationship. Those won't change unless *he* chooses to change them, and taking him back would just amplify to him that he doesn't have to change, he just has to "suck you back in" occasionally, and then continue his old behaviors. As you would hear in most 12-step programs (AA, etc), most people don't change until they hit "bottom", lose virtually everything, and are faced with nothing but themselves. | |
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| lack of communication can kill a relationship?
Posted: 5/18/2008 9:24:18 AM | OP it seems to me communication is the least of your concerns. Genuine communication requires a person at both ends of the conversation with serious intent to communicate. From what you describe that is lacking, In fact, your description is right out of the literature of addiction and dependence. IMHO you should educate yourself about 'codependence' to find out if you fit the definition. I had a similar relationship and suffered greatly with it. Just as I did, you can come to understand your part in how this insanity came to be. You are well advised to let this person go, but if you do not deal with your part in it, you may well find yourself back in the same place with someone else.
From your description of this man he is a classic dependent or addict. Everything you describe fits the pattern. Yes he can recover from this, thousands have done so. But you need to be completely clear that you cannot make him do it, and there is little you can do to help him. He needs the help of others who have been where he is and have walked their own path of recovery.
If I can be of help to you in this, email me and I will do what I can to be of assistance. | |
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| lack of communication can kill a relationship?
Posted: 5/18/2008 9:35:38 AM | IMO I think your lack of communication in this relationship is the least of your worries.
Problem #1:
if i tell him how much he means to me he gets mad and will be really mean to me
He gets mad at you for opening up your heart to him? WTF is that all about?
Problem #2:
he drinks a lot
This is probably the biggest problem you should be concerned about. You will live a life of verbal, emotional and often times physical abuse.
Lastly, problem #3:
and lies
How could one subject themselves to staying in a relationship filled with lies? Why would you stay in this relationship when you have absolutely no trust and faith in this man? I'm curious as to why you think he's using you. If you are providing for him financially, then hell ya he's using you big time! I say cut your losses and move on. This guy is nothing but bad news.
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| lack of communication can kill a relationship?
Posted: 5/18/2008 9:39:20 AM | Misdiagnosis alert!
This part, no problem:
i am in a relationship where my boyfriend does not want to talk about our peoblems.
I was married for 7 years, and during that time my wife and I basically never argued. No one to blame- we both wanted life to be good, and didn't want to be the whiny-**** in the couple. And neither felt any problem to really be serious enough to be so petty to raise... and were both easy-going enough people to be willing to compromise - "ah, that one's not a make-it-or-break-it for me". There's good and bad in that - but she strayed eventually, and then LATER said "I think we should see a communication counselor". Reality was, she never raised issues that obviously were bothering her... and that killed our marriage.
But I don't see THAT (above) as your problem, because of this:
He also refuses to share how he feels about me and if i tell him how much he means to me he gets mad and will be really mean to me and say i am smothering him. He is pushing me away and I am begining to feel rejected. I am so hurt I want to break off the relationship. I told him its not working, that i can't deal with the rejection.
[he]lies. He has never said anything good about me.
This isn't avoiding communication - this IS communicating, lol.
He's sending a pretty strong message, in fact, I'd say...
And one that's successfully disguised as a lack of communication.
Sometimes there's a fine line between genius and evil genius. 
Oh - did I say misdiagnosis? I think you nailed it actually:
i think he is using me.
That might be a bit harsh.
He wants you for what you give him... whatever that is.
You want him for what he isn't giving you... and isn't willing to give you.
Go ahead - ask him directly for it!
YOU launch a surprise attach on communication: (lead with "where do you think this relationship is going?")
If he lights up like a christmas tree and says "Oh goodie! That's exactly what I want too!", then what do you know - it really WAS just a communication issue!
But I'm guessing he cringes like your skin just fell off and hit the floor. | |
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| lack of communication can kill a relationship?
Posted: 5/18/2008 3:22:50 PM | Hi all I got some great advice and some sarcastic advice. i will take the good and spit out the bad. I have had many years of counseling and anyone can be tricked into a seemingly good relationship that turns sour. I just love the ones who sit on thier perfection throwns and say how could you stay with someone like that, are you and idiot, are you a jerk, do you have any brains? Not exact words but same tone. I would never say that to someone who is in or getting out of a bad relationship. How cruel and inmature to make snap judgements about people you don't even know. I am sharing because there are many who are in relationships like this or who are trying to get out of relationships like this. Its good to get this stuff out in the open and talk about it.
This person has contacted me today to find out when is a good time to get his stuff. he is still denying he did anything wrong and basicly living in serious denial. I can't change him he has to want to change. i think the biggest change for anyone who is abusive is to admit they are abusive and get help, Swallow their pride and be adult enough to say I am messed up and don't know what I do what I do. I am hurting people I care about. I have to stop the insanity. | |
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| lack of communication can kill a relationship?
Posted: 5/18/2008 3:33:23 PM | | Just out of curiosity, OP, why does your profile here say you're looking for "Long Term" and that you're "divorced" if you, in fact, are in a relationship? Is this an online relationship or a real life one? If it's online, the solution is simple ~ disappear from his radar. New email, new profiles on sites he knows you frequent, etc. If it's a real life relationship, you've been given sound suggestions by other posters. My thinking is this: if you're not willing to do something about it, then you don't get to complain. JMO | |
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| lack of communication can kill a relationship?
Posted: 5/18/2008 3:35:19 PM | | if you really want out and want to honour yourself...JUST GET RID OF HIM. He could care less about you...thats quite obvious in how he treats you. So tell me, what are you getting out of being treated like crap?? There must be some payoff...or are you one of those ladies that thinks you can change him?? | |
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