|
|
|
|
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/17/2008 4:06:29 PM | Well, one need not be a rocket scintist to see that athere are SOME truly bright, intelligent and caring people who participate here on a regular basis and apparently [IMO] only post responses to "help" in some fashion or another. Too bad they are often badly outnumbered by the many folks here just to "attack or badmouth" the OP or other posters. Or imply to whine in some fashion. In other words, there is WAY too much negativity here ... I also think alot of the negative "experiences" reported are GROSSLY exaggerated because I have seen almost none of "the bad or ugly" from my own time spent here. Nor does my email experience jive with what the vast majority of men report...
I feel sorry in a fashion for folks who stumble in here while they are still relatively new to Fish. I think it would be way too easy to pick up the vibe here that one must be VERY careful, and either have lots of emails or phone calls or both before you even THINK about meeting someone. As some people have said countless times, the more time you spend in" communication" with them, the more likely you are to catch them in a lie. BULL Poop. Why start a possible "relationship" with someone trying to "catch them" in a lie. CRAZY!!! Probably a whole lot easier for someone to lie in written or oral form than face to face IMO. Just meet em' in a public place in the daytime. How dangerous can that be?
In essence, the Forums are no different than a supermarket. I will keep coming as long as I am able to FIND and choose what I like and ignore what I don't like. As long as there are "sharp cookies" posting I don't mind wading through the rest of the riff raff to find them.
The REAL reason though for the success of the Forums is pretty simple. Misery [Ok frustration] Loves Company. People just have different ways of expressing it. | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/17/2008 6:55:02 PM | If you say there are positive and negative sides to life,
then your emotions will be determined by which it is.
If you say, it just is.
Then your emotions will be determined by you. | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/17/2008 7:40:41 PM | | Good question...any of us could have forum fallout and not even know about it. Perhaps someone I messaged never messaged me back due to something I may have said in a forum. Oh well, that is probably for the best becuase in my postings, you get the real me. I like the view that one can get into people's honest opinions....especially men's. I am astounded at the bitterness that many, many men express towards women...as if they were the only ones who have ever been hurt. Also I was shocked at how it is almost always about the money ...For my part, when a man messages me, I always read their forum postings . I ignore women haters. You know who you are. | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/17/2008 8:21:16 PM | Dare to;
Does this mean you wont be renewing your subscription?
Personally, I think some people tend to stretch the truth here and there in order to emphasize a point, and it's not always possible to know if it's just a load of bullshit or not.
Seriously though, if this stuff is starting to get to you, maybe you should drop out for a while and devote yourself wholly to yours and his relationship.
There are no relationship guaranties in life ... but I think the best hope two people can have for a successful relationship, is by placing one another at the center of each others universe
PS.
If your in love, what do you really need us for anyway? (no reply necessary ... alone in my thought ... falling out and falling down) | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/17/2008 9:25:50 PM |
If you say there are positive and negative sides to life,
then your emotions will be determined by which it is.
If you say, it just is.
Then your emotions will be determined by you.
^^ I like this approach very much.
I'd add that there is no such thing as right or wrong...
it just is
effective or ineffective. | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/17/2008 9:41:43 PM | One of my exbfs read my profile and many of my posts when he joined this site. Needless to say I learned a hard lesson. Be very careful what you post on these forums, as you never know who may be reading those posts/responses! Our relationship was on shaky ground at that point... in fact we were barely speaking. Even so, in being so honest and open on here I was revealing some very personal information, never considering that he may ever read it....
Another man, one whom I had several dates with a few months ago, sometimes emails me to ask if he is the man mentioned in one of my latest posts. Arrogance is one of his negative points, even if he doesn't believe it is, and, therefore, he forgets that I have not been single all my 53 years on this earth. | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/17/2008 9:54:43 PM | | Yeah, you wouldn't want to base ur perception of the whole world on a bunch of single people swapping opinions on a forum on saturday nite...go chat with the single people and have a good time and get a date...if the crazy and negative opinions start to get to ya it is time to take a break from it...i don't sit down and read each and everybody's opinion on here..i'd go crazy too if i did that....i skim them and read some on a given topic... is really interesting to hear the thoughts and opinions of others...the forums are not all bad....sometimes there will be a whole "crop" of negative opinions on certain subjects....try to remember the ones that have something positive and hopeful to say about life... | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/17/2008 10:42:24 PM | | Wrong thread, lol! &hearts | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/18/2008 5:24:47 AM | You have to remind yourself alot of the negativity is based on hurt , from past relationships.
People that are not yet healed from the past.
I love coming to the forums because it gives me a glimpse into a mans feelings, and the way they deal with them.
He is more honest , with strangers, and will open up much more than he might if his emotions and the possibility of hurt is there.
I learned by reading posts, that man and woman arent as different as most people believe.
There are good men and good women, and there are also bad of both. Users, abusers etc.
We all get scarred and get scared, if we care about someone, it is a risk we take.
If it ends, then we pick up and move on, in time.
Both men and women, walk away feeling hurt and cheated, and both invest their hearts
to the wrong person sometimes.
I see on here alot of wounded people afraid to trust again, both men and women.
It is sad, that we become so scarred. But what you see is the fallout , from a wrong
relationship, or one that went bad.
People get bitter and they close off, to protect themselves.
The forums also help me to see , I am not so alone, there are alot of single people
out there trying to get it right.
Be happy you met someone that wants to work at a good relationship with you.
Someone that is ready to put the past behind them, it isnt so easy to find.
Good Luck, | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/18/2008 5:58:26 AM | I think the greatest thing I have gained from being on the forums is getting the "insight" on men, through their posts. They are varied, from complete "woe is me" to "I am man, hear me roar". I love reading their opinions.
As for fallout....I am honest in my posts on the forums, and if a man reads them and decides I am not for him, well that is fine. I am me....I will not change to meet someone else's expectations. Yes we all adjust in a relationship, but not change who you are completely.
I am not going to censor my opinions in the forums just to make sure someone will find me attractive. That wouldn't be honest. I realize I am not everyone's cup of tea, I have strong opinions sometimes, and am not afraid to say them.
As for you OP, do not base your relationship on negative posts about men who cheat. You can only judge your bf on his own actions, his own words. Trust him for who he is....he will either keep that trust and build it, or he will break that trust and lose you.
That would be the equivalent to judging every single man you meet, based on the actions of those you were involved with before. That isn't right. You have to treat him as an individual. | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/18/2008 6:45:22 AM | Dare To,
I've really wanted to help you out a bit, but I'm really struggling here! How can we help someone who's just looking for a reason to not trust? When that's the case, it's guaranteed that such a person will find what they're looking for.
The forums are only a small glimpse of humanity, and they're colored by the agendas of those participating. Lemme ask you this...how accurate is the "picture" of you that the world sees when you're upset, tired, sick...feeling reactive? Would that picture be accurate, and would it be fair/right for the world to determine that picture is the sum total of you?
Some people come to the internet with a persona in hand, some come here wide open, some come here to act out their frustrations, some come here to be helpful, some come here to entertain us, some come here to take whatever they can grab....and on and on. To try to take one single mindset, assumption, or generalization from that pile of perceived humanity is such a huge disservice, and just plain ineffective. Just live what you believe in, without a fear that immobilizes.
I've lived a very rich, colorful and wild life, but I've actually lived only a very tiny bit of the things I read about here. I've been divorced, I have kids, I'm the wife of a man that was ripped apart and robbed of everything by his divorce, I've been a live in lover, I've been cheated, I'm an incest survivor, I've been someone's "drive by hit and run" lover through no fault of my own,  and I've been a magnet for married men...and still, I've not lived life like Fish has!
If life really played out like Fish reads, I'd likely never walk out my door, and I surely wouldn't be a newlywed. :)
Even the ones who think they would never do that to their GF. It ‘s so scary that even the guys who consider themselves totally loyal and in love will let the alcohol and the sexual suggestion finally get to them and they submit to the “urge”..
...then, I'll wager an experienced guess, lol, that these fellas aren't so loyal, devoted and "in love" as they say they are, cause it's been my experience that people that are in love don't have those urges--or at least, not to this degree, and don't place themselves in such situations. You have to be open to it for it to happen.
Do not let life color you...you color it. | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/18/2008 6:55:36 AM | so very well put funny girl! really really valid and wonderful points - of all of us.
i would only wish to add, always we have a choice to live in fear, or in love.....to view others through our fear or our love....to view ourselves through our fear or our love.
and for me, even if my fiance' (hypothetically here) gave in to those urges, i would ask myself and reflect deeply is it worth letting that destroy our love? would he forgive me if it was reversed? could i truly forgive him? if not, then i would question, again, am i coming from fear, or from love. we always have that choice.
 | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/18/2008 7:28:23 AM |
But some of these forum posts have me questioning my naivety, and have me looking for reasons to distrust my guy.
I think if anything makes you realize you may be naive, it's a good thing. It's the kind of perspective you may not get anywhere else, or get easily, or for free. The tricky part is making sure it doesn't turn into cynicism.
 | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/18/2008 7:52:29 AM | | i would keep in mind that a lot of people here appear to have very polarizing opinions, issues with opposite sex, and some are downright bitter about dating in general. | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/18/2008 8:10:38 AM | I take it as all these things brought up in forums happen on a daily basis to all of us. It's just that (for me), I don't generally "hear" about all this in my daily, real life. I come here and can read 1,000s of posts of negativity from all walks of life around this entire world. Every one of us have experiences in life ~ some great, some awful. I don't talk intimately with thousands of people daily about their personal lives so I have no idea what that lady shopping in the store has gone through ~ but come to the forums and you can read about em all day long. It's like reading diary entries of millions of folks! LOL To let them affect my purrsonal life would be ludicrous.
Sure forums can give us great insight to the human natures of both men and women; they can be entertaining, informative, and can help open one's mind ~ yet they can also sometimes just be downright depressing! As stated above, we're reading about ALL kinds of people from ALL over this planet, therefore we're reading into millions of people's lives we normally wouldn't on a daily basis in real life. There's happy people, disgruntled people, venomous people, users, abusers, miserable people, content people, etc. ~ kinda like just one big soap opera! LOL
I think we're all just looking/reading, hoping to find some reassurance here that we're not all just stone~cold crazy, whether by sharing experiences, or reading about others' experiences. And just like in the "real" world ~ there's allllll kinds here in the pond. I say if you read something that helps you in your quest at life, that's awesome. I know for myself, I've walked away from this keyboard (more than once) for a while when I thought it was having negative effects on my own perceptions/realities.
Take what you like (or what can help) ~ Leave the rest here. 
>>^..^<< | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/18/2008 8:15:26 AM | | The forums are the only thing that keep me on this site...You have to filter out the good with the bad......I am sure that participating in the forums has not helped my "dating life" but they are entertaining nevertheless. Also, restored my faith that there are actually some genuine people here besides myself. | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/18/2008 8:59:28 AM | If I was in a relationship then I wouldnt dream of cheating, bucks night or not !
Your falling into teh trap that many women do of being completely paranoid about men.
Of course there are good and bad men out there, but its up to you to weed out the bad ones and find a good one. | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/18/2008 9:05:35 AM | | Since when did telling the truth/being forthright = bitter? Oh, I forgot, my bad: it became so when small-minded people with opinions no one asked for slapdashed a label on someone else's description of their experiences...in order for the label-slapper to feel satisfied that another unique individual was placed in his/her slot-station in the Borg collective in the label-slapper's mind. | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/18/2008 9:27:19 AM | I often get the idea that many don't seem to realize that forum
posters might be a distinct segment of the population. A great
many men that women might be attracted to, probably never
set foot in the forums and likewise for the opposite sex!
People should bear this in mind, and couch their questions
accordingly, if the answers are to be of any value to them! | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/18/2008 10:41:13 AM | OP reveals the negative affects of 'Forum Fallout' on her.
But some of these forum posts have me questioning my naivety, and have me looking for reasons to distrust my guy…
When walking through the gardens, do you smell the wonderful fragrances, see the vibrant colours, touch the dew? OR... Do you get disgusted at the piles of doggy do-do and other negatives?
As Funny_Girl reminds us...
Do not let life color you...you color it.
If we let ourselves be distracted by negative influences, we colour with black markers as opposed to yellow pastels for uplifting nuances.
WeAre1 reinforces this outlook.
i would only wish to add, always we have a choice to live in fear, or in love.....to view others through our fear or our love....to view ourselves through our fear or our love. we always have that choice.
These are words to follow by.
To be sure there are times when we are overwhelmed by what we learn. The real conundrum at this point is to not be distracted in a negative fashion, but to keep our eyes and ears at attention for that elusive flower. Or whatever peaks your attention.
Strolling in the
Forums.
Looking for some
Morning Dew.
Ur. | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/18/2008 12:16:22 PM | Caution is also needed in referring to a persons hometown....
I've gotten some absolutely _Threatening_ letters from the west coast....
after referring to a guy as a 'Macho-Slob' from California . .
I erred in specifying that he was from California, Missouri...!!!
Then again....considering the source....I was probably not too far off , anyway..!!
'Some people' just l o v e controversy...and will jump at the chance to spew venom ..
Just for the plain FUN of it....!! | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/18/2008 1:07:37 PM | | I used to think that certain unfavorable types of people hung out on here-- jaded, lonely, unhappy, and broken-spirited people made up the other percent of the population of people who weren't really looking for an offline connection with substance. I shut my original profile down for this reason actually. Then in the spirit of wanting to make the most of anything I came back to enjoy dialog with those 'types'-- then I found the forums. I can understand the reasons for insecurities but no matter what is revealed here, I don't give it the energy it needs to become an issue to me. I think the men who are really out to betray their relations aren't taking the time to articulate it. People come here to vent concerns and thoughts they are not so brave to reveal to another live person. Keep that in mind. I think it is scary to trust another person, but knowing what the rewards can be of working for that, the idea of living without the experience in this life is scarier. Trust is earned-- it shouldn't be handed out. As long as you don't create the opportunity to disappoint yourself, you can enjoy the man you are finding a relationship with. | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/18/2008 1:22:55 PM | ^^ i disagree trust should be earned. to me it's like innocent until proven guilty -
so trust until proven untrustworthy (if ever).....for i believe people are basically good.....and also I trust myself, so I trust others (these days). | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/18/2008 1:35:11 PM | The forums are the only reason at this point I choose to stay on POF. I can honestly say I have never looked at the forums as anything negative at all. Yes there are negaitive things being said by both men and women (the bashing we can do without) but I have learned alot here. I think more about myself things that maybe I didn't see before in myself which made me want to be a better person.
I didn't need to be in the forums to see and know how rampant cheating is. It has and always will be. Men and woman both do it. I think reading the forums has given my insight and to trust my instinct when something smells "fishy". Before I would have considered myself as paranoid second guessing, but after reading what men have admitted to in these forums I know I was never paranoid in the first place I was spot on. Now I know what to look out for and when to turn and run. Thanks guys!!! | |
|
| Forum fallout
Posted: 5/18/2008 1:48:09 PM | The trust thing is one of my personal soapbox things, so I'll jump up on it for a moment, lol.
Trust is always given. Whether you are a person who gives trust right away or are a person who CLAIMS that trust is earned... either way, trust is always given.
See, even if you were the sort who stood way back and held people under the microscope and judged and watched carefully... collecting evidence and weighing it ... at some magical point, you've collected "enough" evidence... and you choose to GIVE that person your trust.
People who say trust is to be earned usually cannot define what evidence or proof they require and how much of it they need until they have hit the "bingo button" of feeling the person is good enough to give their trust to.
For that reason, I prefer to give trust early but in appropriate amounts as we develop and deepen intimacy. I'm not, for example, going to give a stranger over the internet my banking information, lol. | |
|
|
|
Home
login 
