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Posted: 5/18/2008 1:48:09 PM | The trust thing is one of my personal soapbox things, so I'll jump up on it for a moment, lol.
Trust is always given. Whether you are a person who gives trust right away or are a person who CLAIMS that trust is earned... either way, trust is always given.
See, even if you were the sort who stood way back and held people under the microscope and judged and watched carefully... collecting evidence and weighing it ... at some magical point, you've collected "enough" evidence... and you choose to GIVE that person your trust.
People who say trust is to be earned usually cannot define what evidence or proof they require and how much of it they need until they have hit the "bingo button" of feeling the person is good enough to give their trust to.
For that reason, I prefer to give trust early but in appropriate amounts as we develop and deepen intimacy. I'm not, for example, going to give a stranger over the internet my banking information, lol. | |
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Posted: 5/18/2008 3:03:12 PM | | I take the forums the same way I do the entire world of online dating, with a rather large shaker, not grain, of salt. And preferably with some lime and tequila! | |
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Posted: 5/18/2008 3:48:31 PM | Re the Opost
The forums are another form of socialising, with the added feature that people tend to be more open and tell more than they would do in a IRL social gathering. This does provide valuable information, but it is VERY important how one processes and classifies this info in his/her brain. As post 2 said, well, stereotyping men and women under one or another type of hebavior is wrong. It is IMO a "logical" fault. Of course one can draw some conclusions or formulate some theories re "trends" from all the info in the forums, but not stereotypical (eg men, women, tall men, blonde women, etc etc). People are not clones. | |
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Posted: 5/18/2008 3:54:17 PM |
(OP) So I find myself thinking that either I am very lucky or very naïve, because I don’t know that I have ever been cheated on.. But some of these forum posts have me questioning my naivety, and have me looking for reasons to distrust my guy.
After half a century of living I have never, ever, not even once heard a guy say, "My wife/girlfriend/partner is sexually terrific but I had an affair anyway."
If your partner is satisfied I doubt he will seek sex elsewhere. Nothing in life is guaranteed but the best precaution is to be sure he doesn't have a reason to seek it elsewhere. | |
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Posted: 5/18/2008 4:05:54 PM | The thread has changed a lot...but I'll post from the first page's content.
I know what you mean about how the forums can effect you. I’ve learned a lot and it’s been sad and good, but all in all it’s DEFINITELY an education on people and relationships.
The negativity sucks, BUT it reveals a lot about the negativity people carry around inside themselves that you’d never know about until you got to know them for awhile. So I LIKE seeing that spewing here, but only because it shows the reality of how some people are pretty messed up (some change from that, others never will-sad but true).
Rivereye said
Up side- I have run into a lot of intriguing people, and here, gotten to know, through their opinions, their minds better in a few weeks, than personal friends which I've known for many years.
Definitely. Our friends show us some stuff, but getting such a huge and diverse peek into total strangers’ minds and thoughts is something I’ve never seen outside of POF’s forums.
Trailsman said:
These threads clearly illustrate the difference between emotional maturity and immaturity. Its helped me see "red flags" where before I may have turned a blind eye. Also it gave me some insight into how women think (it was like staring into the abyss).
Very true-big time demonstration of maturity levels. And yep, the whole male/female differences thing. It’s been a tool to understand more about how men think and view things (it was like staring into an alien). 
Cubanguy wrote:
I read the negative forums to learn how to avoid being miserable... to convince myself that resentments are poison to the soul, to don't look at the toilet when I flush...I read the positive forums for validation that life is worth living..
Yup. I’d add to that one thing: I read the positive forums to encourage me that there are sane people out there just like the people I already know. So WTH, maybe there are a few on here that are in my vicinity and find me appealing and I find them appealing.
The alternative to having that hope is something I’ve seen before: women that turn into bitter man-haters and never let someone in. I’d rather not be one of those thank you! | |
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Posted: 5/18/2008 4:06:51 PM | Re post 54:
"After half a century of living I have never, ever, not even once heard a guy say, "My wife/girlfriend/partner is sexually terrific but I had an affair anyway.""
Well, I have plenty, and not just guys, women as well!
"If your partner is satisfied I doubt he will seek sex elsewhere."
Not necessarily. One can drink cola everyday but want an occasional different drink, for variation!
"Nothing in life is guaranteed but the best precaution is to be sure he doesn't have a reason to seek it elsewhere."
True, good sex at home reduces the need or want for extra sex, but IMO does not eliminate it. | |
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Posted: 5/18/2008 4:16:11 PM |
Trust is always given. Whether you are a person who gives trust right away or are a person who CLAIMS that trust is earned... either way, trust is always given. Thanks for pointing that out, Margo. I recall once saying here that trust is something that is earned. Well, not exactly. I see what you're talking about. What I should have said and mostly like intended to say, was that respect is earned.
You made me think; how dare you!  | |
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Posted: 5/18/2008 4:41:21 PM | SLAFFA!!! Of course you live thousands of miles away. Sigh. I'd like to think I'm one of the "encouraging posters" here, and I too am annoyed at the negative bad-mouthers. But such is life. Do you think POF has about the same ration of people like this as those in real life? Or is POF attracting those at their lowest and bitterest, when they need to vent about their hurt and anger? I wonder that A LOT. Maybe I just give humankind too much credit...
I really liked how you articulated your thoughts and I agree them, so I think it merits repeating so I'm reposting it here !
Well, one need not be a rocket scintist to see that athere are SOME truly bright, intelligent and caring people who participate here on a regular basis and apparently [IMO] only post responses to "help" in some fashion or another. Too bad they are often badly outnumbered by the many folks here just to "attack or badmouth" the OP or other posters. Or imply to whine in some fashion. In other words, there is WAY too much negativity here ... I also think alot of the negative "experiences" reported are GROSSLY exaggerated because I have seen almost none of "the bad or ugly" from my own time spent here. Nor does my email experience jive with what the vast majority of men report...
I feel sorry in a fashion for folks who stumble in here while they are still relatively new to Fish. I think it would be way too easy to pick up the vibe here that one must be VERY careful, and either have lots of emails or phone calls or both before you even THINK about meeting someone. As some people have said countless times, the more time you spend in" communication" with them, the more likely you are to catch them in a lie. BULL Poop. Why start a possible "relationship" with someone trying to "catch them" in a lie. CRAZY!!! Probably a whole lot easier for someone to lie in written or oral form than face to face IMO. Just meet em' in a public place in the daytime. How dangerous can that be?
In essence, the Forums are no different than a supermarket. I will keep coming as long as I am able to FIND and choose what I like and ignore what I don't like. As long as there are "sharp cookies" posting I don't mind wading through the rest of the riff raff to find them.
The REAL reason though for the success of the Forums is pretty simple. Misery [Ok frustration] Loves Company. People just have different ways of expressing it. | |
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Posted: 5/18/2008 7:54:14 PM | Consequences of forums??
Well I was in a relationship with a sharp lady who figured out how to pull up my entire history of posting and read them all! I never knew you could do that! She asked me about a couple of things, no big deal.
I have gotten nice compliments from nice ladies who seem to like what I say. They are always at least 500 miles away, if not from Canada. What's up with that?
I have learned much about what ladies are willing to say here, some of it surprising! It has helped me to get clear about my approach to meeting a lady.
It's all good as far as I am concerned! | |
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Posted: 5/18/2008 8:11:07 PM | So many great responses and wise advice... Thank you to those who have contributed.. Sometimes you need to hear the voice of reason when you know your mind is being stupid and projecting things that aren't happening. The following quotes really hit home with me.
My other thoughts are it sounds like you are coming purely from fear that has not been based in reality - so recognize these are your fears only and don't allow them to take over
Just because you now know what men are capable of, doesn't mean you should apply the very worst of male nature to your boyfriend. Do you love him? Is he a good man? Then he'll be a good man no matter what you learn about men in general.
OP, don't look for the negative when all is going well. A suspicious mind, when unfounded, is highly poisonous to a relationship.
i think whatever we are looking for, we can find. if i am looking for evidence that most people cheat, i see it everywhere.
Seriously though, if this stuff is starting to get to you, maybe you should drop out for a while and devote yourself wholly to yours and his relationship And finally
Do not let life color you...you color it. Everything that has been said on here is probably advice i would give to another person myself if they posed the question that i did. Silly that i need it told to me...... It's a bit like being picked up and given a shake and told not to be an idiot..
I don't think i'll abandon the forums, I think there is still so much to learn from others experiences, but i will avoid the threads that make me doubt human nature..
Thanks x | |
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Posted: 5/18/2008 8:17:45 PM | | Me I wish everybody on PoF was required to post maybe 20 times in the forums. You get to really know how people think by how they post here, not by what they write in their profiles. Myself, I've never been one "to turn the world on with my smile", but I think/feel that I am more optimist than many that post in the forums. Prior to reading the forums I never realized how often we skate on thin ice as most of the advice here is "I'd dump them in a heartbeat" no matter what the question is. | |
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Posted: 5/19/2008 8:28:43 AM | Re post 59:
"I have gotten nice compliments from nice ladies who seem to like what I say."
Me too, many.
"They are always at least 500 miles away, if not from Canada."
Me too, the ones who like my way of thinking most and vice versa are usually from across the Pond!
"What's up with that?"
IMO/IME, two main reasons:
1) POFF has only 1-2% of POF members.
2) The people we are most compatible with are OFTEN not to be found locally. So either we settle for best available locally or ...... we do as investors do, ie go global!!! lol lol
The forums are a large global village, town actually. There is fallout from globalisation (fatigue) so by analigy there is sych thing as forum fatigue syndrome. Buy I hear forumitis is 99% incurable.
What is curable is stereotyping gender behavior based on what we read in der forums! | |
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Posted: 5/19/2008 8:33:49 AM | | I think the forums should relay the possibilities as to how people react/behave to your everyday dating experiences and scenerios. You should most importantly keep in mind, that everyone doesn't follow a set blue print and their isn't any manual either. We are all unique, so that should help you to not be jaded from the forums and help you keep an even keel. | |
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Posted: 5/19/2008 8:35:13 AM | The forums are a good resource to get different POVs on various experiences, meet interesting people, etc...However, you should not take it as the "bible" on relationships. Some people are very jaded and bitter from their past experiences, and we should not judge an entire gender on one or few bad experiences.
Re: Not knowing if you have been cheated on or not....to me at this point it is not something you should dwell on. You should not distrust anyone unless you are given a reason(s) to be so. You can't live life distrusting people, as it would be a very sad state to live in and way too exhausting (mentally).
So, no I have not allowed the forums to taint my perception/thoughts on men/ppl in general.....................
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