| i need some advice from anyone please HELP!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 6/1/2008 10:38:01 AM | Been there ~
Don't make his relationship with the girlfriend/wife or his personal life your issue.
He is always going to be their father, don't try to sabotage the relationship between the kids and him. He will do that on his own anyhow. (with her help of course)
Make sure EVERYTHING is done legally and in the form of court orders. (I was too nice and got screwed)
Make sure visitations and anything else you want him involved in are spelled out, it is his responsibility to get information from the schools (you are not his messenger service).
If you couldn’t agree on things before the divorce, what makes you think you can agree after?
You can’t protect your children from the hurt and disappointment they are going to experience due to his immature, selfish, lack of accountability personality. STOP worrying about him “missing” things and not being there!! IT IS HIS LOSS.
Just accept it, deal with it don’t dwell on it especially in front of or to the kids... Put your time and energy into the children.
Sounds like you have depended too much on and are too concerned about him. You are quite young. Get involved in a "parents without partners" type of support group.
just my opinion from the experience of becomming a single mom of 3 at 24 | |
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| i need some advice from anyone please HELP!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 6/1/2008 2:57:24 PM | Sorry to hear about your children's dad not stepping up to the plate. Unfortunately as other posters have said the only one you can control is you. So get some counselling for yourself to deal with the emotions and contact some agencies to see if services are available for your little ones. We have Division of Developmental Disabilities here in the states that offers respise among other programs.
Yes, and you need to contact an attorney to work out a parenting plan and child support. | |
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| i need some advice from anyone please HELP!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 6/1/2008 3:54:48 PM | Sounds like the new girlfriend is a bit insecure!
Things will either mellow out over time or she won't be in the picture for to awfully long!
No matter what you just do your best to raise your kids the best YOU can!
Good luck to you sweetie!  | |
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| i need some advice from anyone please HELP!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 6/1/2008 10:26:49 PM | I am sure your situation brings with it all types of feelings, from jealousy to insecurity, to anger.... find a safe place to vent these feelings, because they and you are normal.
But then, put your parent hat back on and STOP IT! Scumbag though he may be, kids need to know both parents. Do not resist, do not stand in the way and by all means do not try to orchestrate the relationship between the kids and their dad. Trust me, righteous or not, it will come back to bite you.
That said, do not be a pantywaste when it comes to finances and protecting yourself legally. Those kids and you deserve the help and protection the law provides (oops not sure where you live.....).
Keep loving those kids, get lots of support and love for you, and think about how you are going to word your thank you note to the 46 year old idiot. In the end, she probably saved you. | |
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| i need some advice from anyone please HELP!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 6/2/2008 5:10:44 AM | OP - At least one of you are acting like an adult - YOU! I would have a court documentation on cs and visition. I would also think about having the visitions supervised. This woman sounds like a real gem and I would not want my children around her and influncing my children. If you use supervised visition - you won't have to see him even with drop off and pick up - wouldn't that be better for him and his future ex-wife that he has just became engaged to.
Good luck and look towards your family and friends to help relieve you with some time so that you can still get out of the house. | |
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| i need some advice from anyone please HELP!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 6/2/2008 6:52:19 AM | | i know this must hurt you, but dont stop the kids seeing their dad they wont thank you for it in the long run. sounds like this lady will eventually ruin the relationship with your x, so id hang on in there. as time goes on you may well appreciate a break from the kids, and possibly benefit from some free time. | |
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| i need some advice from anyone please HELP!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 6/17/2008 9:14:53 AM | i think u r givin this lady the wrong advice, her children need a stable life, my parents parted wen i was young, and my mom did everything in her power for my dad 2 keep incontact with his children, but he meet some1 new and we were not wanted in his life, then he must of had a midlife crisis, as he wanted 2 knw when we were 14 he yet again, wanted contact, he disapeared when he met some1, then when i had my youngest child he came 2 c me and teold me i had a sister the same age as my daughter, since then, her mom died, now my dad expects me 2 b my sisters new mom, for as much as i love my sister i have enough on my plate, if the worst came 2 it then i would, soz back the point, if there is no pleasing this new partner, then she should tell her ex if he doesnt keep 2 his word then i would take it 2 court so he his order 2 c his children, if he still doesnt want 2 commit 2 his children, then its down 2 the mom 2 tell her children the truth, in the nicest way possible, it will b easier 4 them, knowing the at least hav a stable life just with mom, its hard n we all want our parents 2 b the best, but sometimes life isnt like that, with the sounds of it they have a good mom, just b very careful of not slagging of the absent parent as iv seen that will also backfire 1 day | |
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| i need some advice from anyone please HELP!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 6/17/2008 4:04:24 PM | | this guy does not deserve to be a dad!! if he had any balls at all, he would be tellin his new partner what times he wants to see HIS kids, get rid of him, you can raise these kids yourself | |
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| i need some advice from anyone please HELP!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 6/17/2008 5:21:41 PM | Wow I have been there and done that. My ex and his new wife refuse to speak to me about anything. It started off I could only communicate with her about things but, I didn't play by her rules so they cut off communication. I have documented every canceled visit and every mean thing they have done to these children.( Especially our 9 year old).
I have never withheld communication from them- I even sent their email addresses, cell phone numbers and myspace names and was still accused of trying to keep them apart. I will be honest that sometimes I let my feelings slip especially when it first started happening ( the canceled visits, conditions for visits,refusal to go to school things because I would be there, hateful accusations) but I have finally got to the point that I really don't care what they say. Parenting together would be much easier especially for the boys, but he won't do that so I am doing the best job that I can do. I don't have to try and mess up their relationship with the children, they are doing it all by themselves. I am sorry that you are in this mess because I know just how hard it is. I think maybe some of it is to with control. SO take control and do the job you can do and let his chips fall where they may. | |
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| i need some advice from anyone please HELP!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 6/17/2008 11:43:35 PM | | hi sab sadly this is the world we live in,, a potential life partner may be here one day then fly of the next,,but we move on biuld a bridge and get over it,,sounds like you still love him thats normal wen you goo through motions of anger this may make it easier to move on,,be surrounded bye postive friends and family, keep busy weather it be work or just going out , BUT ABOVE ALL DOO NOT STOP HIM SEEING THE KIDS it will effect the kids terribly good luck regards darren | |
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| i need some advice from anyone please HELP!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 6/18/2008 4:29:45 AM | | I never got the impression she was trying to stop him from seeing the kids. It has been his choice not the to see the children. There are times that the mother doesn't stop the father from seeing the children. Some make that choice. You can't make someone want to see their children. The law will enforce your right to see the children, but they will not enforce the children's right for the parent to see them. Sad but for some parents you would have to force them to see the children. | |
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| i need some advice from anyone please HELP!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 7/25/2008 12:09:08 PM | hey S.A.B
you look after your kids!! you be a brilliant mother like all o us single mums!! you dont need him to be the perfect parent .... you n your children can and will florish with out a dead beat dad .. and when your kids are older n doin well you can look back knowing that you did that!! you!! cos your brilliant!!! xxxxx you go!!! | |
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| i need some advice from anyone please HELP!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 7/27/2008 1:26:20 AM | Hey girl! Oh how that sounds familiar. I am 36 and my ex is 48. We have been apart for 6 years. The best advice that anyone gave me, LET IT GO! It will kill you for having to be the one to be there for the kids when dad lets them down, but they will love you for it and will always respect that you were the one that was there. Mine remarried 1 year and 1 month after we split up. I was devastated, but believe it or not I am friendlier with his wife than I am with him. I appealled to her mother side and just explained to her that it is important for me that we all get along for the sake of our kids respectively. They had a daughter 3 years ago, a BIG surprise for the both of them. I call it karma at its finest!
We get along fairly well but still have the late night phone calls from the ex complaining about her controlling his life and not wanting him to spend time with his kids. I know full well he is alcoholic so I choose to ignore those late night phone calls. He is only allowed to call before 9. After 9 my son is asleep and we have no business anymore. We are civil, thats all I am , by law, supposed to have to be with him.
It is his loss. My son is 9 and has high functioning autism. We manage. The older he gets, the less he looks up to his dad. That pedestal is getting shorter by the day. It is through no fault of mine. I don't bad mouth him . I always said if he has a bad opinion of you , it will be through your own doing. Out of sight, out of mind. He can go 4 months without visitation. OH well. It breaks my heart to see my son disappointed but on those days, we do something extra special! It has made our bond so much tighter. He trusts me and knows I will never be the one to let him down.
Don't get me wrong, he loves his dad and always looks forward to going to his house. He has a baby sister that he adores. He is the best big brother and thats something I wasn't able to give him. He was taught to respect his father and to love him. But I didn't really have to teach him much, kids love so unconditionally.
Good luck with your situation! I will keep you in my prayers. The only person you can control is yourself. You have to take care of YOU before you can be there totally for your kids. Get him out of your system and think of him only as the father of your children as that will never change. It does get easier. They say that there is someone for everyone and sometimes we have to kiss alot of frogs before we find our prince. I have been there and I never thought I could go on with my life. I worked with a lady a few years ago that went through a very nasty divorce/ custody situation. She wound up in the hospital with a nervous breakdown. She told me at my lowest point that the therapist told her something on the last day that she wished she had heard on her first day in there. He said , " You can only hold on to the pain for so long. The anger that you are holding inside hurts only you, they feel nothing." So the faster you can let go of your pain, you will start to heal and see things alot more clearly. Life will begin again! Hug your babies everyday, they will be your comfort! | |
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| i need some advice from anyone please HELP!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 8/2/2008 3:37:10 PM | I have to say that the need for family and friends is a must. I have a son that has cerebral palsy and is also autistic. I also have a daughter that is deaf in one ear. If you have MA, you need to look to the county to get a PCA. That is a personal care attendant. You go through the public health nurse to get assessed as to your families needs. They will help you with the things that other people just don't understand when you have a special needs child. There are several things that special needs children can not do, and also things that they do that other children don't ever do. Because of this, you will need as much support as you can get. The county can also find people to get you respite care. You may need this too. You also need to tap into any resourses that your school and church family offer if you are in a church. I have found that there are many people that are willing to help if you are grateful and not demanding. There are many people that really want to see you succeed and the children have as normal a life as possible. There are also organizations that help with grants for equipment. There are social workers at the county that will help you find these things. The local chapters of Autism Society of America or non-profit coorporations like that will help you. These places are a great resource. Ask your family physician if he can refer you to a social worker that they have at the hospital or clinic. Get some professional counseling. That will help you sort things out in the beginning. There are many of us that have had this happen to them. You are not totally alone. There is a program called New Beginnings and they will help you adjust to being single. It is a support group for newly divorced and widowed people. People can talk about their feelings of abandonment, helplessness, fear, and lonliness. There are also grants and funds to help you to go back to school to make a better future of yourself and your kids. The Village has classes if you need help to learn how to manage your finances. Do not go into credit card debt if at all possible, it will only make life more difficult in the future. You don't need it.
I know that I watched my husband of 17 years go from being a man that I trusted and loved to a man that wanted to be nothing more than single, never been married, with no kids. It has been two years. He still has very little contact with the children, and he is also with another woman that does not like kids. It is so hard to not dispare. Truly, you will make it though this if you lean on the strenght of others. I have gained much confidence over the past two years. I know that you are confused. To tell you the truth though, as the past two years have gone by, I realized that I am now happy and better off with out the man that I once trusted. You will be too. Try not to run into the arms of another man right away. They may not be any better then the first one. Keep your head up. Again, build a support group and lean on them. | |
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