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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/21/2008 7:56:33 AM | the reason abusers don't get help is that it's a successful survival strategy. They just use people up for what they can get and then move on if the abused people don't stand for it anymore.
They really don't need the people they abuse in their lives, so they take advantage of them.
The person in a relationship who needs that relationship the least can control it. Whether they do or not is just a matter of consience and how much they need to feel "good" about themselves.
I've been abusive, but learned when the person cut me off from them that I'd miss not having the person in my life, so I stopped.
That's the ONLY thing that will make them stop and if they don't need people, they'll NEVER stop.
It's a condition described by psychiatrists as being "anal" as in "analytical". They don't value people the way people value themselves, but as tools to be used in life to get what they want. They feel no guilt, pain, shame or remorse when they hurt someone else, because, they reason-it's not them, so why should they feel that?
Successful people in our society have to have some measure of "anal" qualities in their psychological makeup to succeed, unless they're born rich. They might not be abusive at all... but it's that quality taken to the nth degree that's what we're dealing with here. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/21/2008 8:00:14 AM | newyorktomboy,
Get your act together. I never said this:
bassman you can talk to a women till your blue in the face to leave but if she is scared, or brain washed, or has no place to go and no money she will stay or keep going back. I personally do not think that that is sick. I think its a sad fact that women are brain washed and controled so much they don't know what to do. You make it sound like they are sick in a way that is demeaning. I may be misunderstanding what your saying and if I am I apologize.
But I do agree that anyone that keeps going back to an abuser is sick. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/21/2008 8:11:43 AM | There is hope for some, its all choice, do you want to be well, healed, stop what you're doing or do you want to sit in it and play the victim, or do you want to continue feeding a need for power and control.
These are the issues of abuse and abusing. You hit a good point, you addressed wahts called learned behaviour, it can be unlearned, the question is do abusers and those who have been abused want to change?
Another avenue are the survivors of abuse who do not abuse but look upon everyone with suspicion, contempt, or mistrust, then when conflict - natural inevitable conflict occurs, they will paint the other person in the same light as an abuser or abusive behaviour.
The help is there, ready, able and willing, they need to ask and then commit. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/21/2008 8:36:06 AM | Aspiring Angel,
First off let me say I completly understand where your coming from in your posts. Here is the problem though, your tone is very harsh. When someone is being abused or just recently come out of an abusive relationship be it a man or woman, they have a sence of fear, anger, pain and they still do not completly understand all they went though and why they went through it.
I do agree that on some level it is the abused persons fault as well, On a very very small level. When people around you are telling you it abuse and you don't listen. The thing is though if you don't see it (depending on the type of abuse) You may not realize it is happening. After all everything you did well you were with the abuser was all your fault somehow or other. The simple one is the physical abuse, If your SO male or female hits you, you know that it is abuse. You also know it is never that simple. My ex used a type of abuse called "Gas Lighting" (you can google it) Others will use manipulation, there are so many different ways to control a person without them realizing it is abuse.
The real sad part about abuse is some people come out of it and get this attitude of well I got out, I realized how stupid I was to put up with it, If I can do it so can you and if you don't then it is all your fault. This is the attitude you are displaying with your posts. I am not sure if this is how you meant it to come accross but that is how I have taken it myself. Very disrepectful style of getting your point accross.
You have told people here to "cite" where things were said, no one said it was said in this thread but I know I was told over and over again by people to just get out, it's my fault 100%, If I was stupid enough to put up with it I deserved it. No I did not see anyone in this thread say that straight out but it was implied a couple times.
Now for the men reading this,
You guys are right woman abuse as well, sometimes in much the same manner as men. I never would have thought a man could be abused the same way a woman could be untel I started getting real help for myself. I have noticed in recent years the amount of men being killed by their SO however if your not going to come forward and hide behind the "male image" so to speak then how in the hell do you expect the light to shine on the problem. I have only been on 1 abusive relationship and I was 33 years old at the time and my eyes were opened to the male side of abuse only becasue I sought help. Stop hiding and come forward. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/21/2008 9:33:17 AM |
You guys are right woman abuse as well, sometimes in much the same manner as men. I never would have thought a man could be abused the same way a woman could be untel I started getting real help for myself. I have noticed in recent years the amount of men being killed by their SO however if your not going to come forward and hide behind the "male image" so to speak then how in the hell do you expect the light to shine on the problem. I have only been on 1 abusive relationship and I was 33 years old at the time and my eyes were opened to the male side of abuse only becasue I sought help. Stop hiding and come forward.
itbelilolme,
Excuse me......but that is what the men are doing. However, many women don't want to accept this and they continue to invalidate what men are saying. This can be seen in this very thread.
Many men have found that instead of trying to change the way a lot of women think , it is better for us just to stay away from those women that are abusive. It makes a LOT more sense to stay away from women that invalidate what men say. With all the feminist groups trying to blame men for all abuse...it really isn't helping womens progress. | |
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JLWTV
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Joined: 1/23/2008
Msg: 81 | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/21/2008 10:28:23 AM | No Bassman they are not. Maybe some come forward but how many really do?? Woman fought for years for rights we have now but it took a long long time and a big fight. With abused men it will be the same thing. I know now that men can be and are being abused in the same way women is. I would be scared to see the real numbers, we will never know the real numbers untel more men come forward.
I have met 2 men on this site who told me they were abused by their ex and they had fears getting to deeply involved with someone. I was there as well so it gave us something in common to talk about and I like to think I helped them a little. However when I asked them if they had talked to anyone they both said no they had not. They left and are emotional wrecks now becasue of it. "Male Image" is both of their reasoning in a nut shell as to why they did not come forward.
Men need help in this as well. Hiding in the corner is not going to shine a light on things. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/21/2008 11:17:32 AM | newyorktomboy wrote:
SHe feels empowered bacause she fought off 2 abusers and there for she somehow is a survivor and the rest of us are pitifull victums because we don't beat the crap out of the abuser
I am sorry, I just do not see that aspiring angel is saying that. I read her account of what she did, that was her form of change and defence, that was HER choice and I don't get that she is projecting on anyone else that they MUST do what she did.
What I do read is that we all have choices to stay and take it (victim) or to take ourselves out of situations that lead to the abuse (survivor).
There are many paths that lead to the other side of the forest. When walking through the forest, each crossroad bares a choice. Which one that is taken is solely the responsibility of the traveler. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/21/2008 11:27:37 AM | Interesting that the thread title is asking if there's hope for the abusers...
I should think the abused need it more, actually.
It's about saying NO and leaving, if necessary.
Feeling sorry for abusers is one of the traps that leads to empowering the monsters who commit the abuse. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/21/2008 11:27:49 AM | With all the feminist groups trying to blame men for all abuse...it really isn't helping womens progress.
I guess I am not the only one who has been noticing this and has ditched support for a once very supported movement looking for equality..i see that when its about a man looking for any rights or equality in court they play a different song..and seem to have no problems with abusing -controllong-lieing-robbing-cheating-and get a stay out of jail free card in a fight..if your abused .. move ..and stop spending more of my tax money on such a one sided cause..we already have laws in place ..
Many men have found that instead of trying to change the way a lot of women think , it is better for us just to stay away from those women
and these women always have clean arrest records ..it takes two to fight and when i hear a women talk about all her abusive men she has had in her life i assume she is a scrapper .she is trouble ...run .. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/21/2008 12:01:02 PM |
and these women always have clean arrest records ..it takes two to fight and when i hear a women talk about all her abusive men she has had in her life i automaticly think she is a scrapper ..run ..
Yes, after my experience with a woman(ex-wife) who clamed to have been abused by every man in her life BEFORE I married her I run too. Now when I meet a woman that claims to have been abused I wonder who really abused who. It's best to just stay away. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/21/2008 12:11:20 PM |
bluesman2008 wrote in message #49
Ever hear stories about women who grow up with alcoholic fathers who wind up married to, guess who, another alcoholic. Common sense has nothing to do with. On the contrary, you would think that's the last thing a woman raised by an alcoholic father would want but that's simply not the case. Most of these woman retain childhood fantasies about "helping" their father. But as a young child, you really can't do that so, what's the next best thing? As an adult, go find some other alcoholic to "help".
I really appreciated that post, however I don't necessarily think that the above analysis of a woman growing up with an alcholic father can be so generally given.
I grew up in a family where both my parents were alcholic, I had two older siblings, a sister and brother and then 2 younger siblings. My father worked for my maternal grandfather who was a tyrant, my mother was a victim of abuse growing up. Both my parents were not only alcholic, but abusive and my mother tried to commit suicide at least three times where I came home to find her overdosed and I had to keep her awake till the abulance came - I was 12 then. To top it off, my father sexually molested me as a child (and I won't go into details).
I became an alcoholic, married an abuser and alcholic and got sober and began my healing journey well over 20 years ago. Throughout the years, I sought help to figure out how to build my self esteem. I was talented, smart, capable of making a good living and did so, was a good mother (outside of my drug and alcohol abuse), yet, I could not figure out why I continued to choose men that used and abused me. The self esteem thing, simply just didn't fit, except when I allowed myself to grow into an ugly person physically, mentally and emotionally, that was my comfort zone, that was when the abusers would leave me (I couldn't figure out how to leave them otherwise).
I finally pulled myself together and started on a non traditional healing path which lead me to understand that what happened to me as a child, when my father took my right of passage away from me by molesting me (yes, I felt pleasure there), providing for me and protecting me (a sense of security), teaching me logical deduction (a sense of inteligence) he created a sense of dependency within me, to *need* a man to satisfy my needs, physically, mentally and emotionally. That was the pattern that he set up and last but not least, when he abused me, by abandoning me, mistreating my mother, being sexually promiscuous with other women, molesting me from the time I was 9 months old till I was 12, I learned to believe that that was simply a side dish that went along with the package. I never learned to act independently, I was taught to depend on my abuser for everything, including food, water, sexual satisfaction, mental stimulation, everything.
Normal children are taught to become independent, I was not given that opportunity, I had to learn it for myself. Those of us who missed that boat through no fault of our own, usually go one of two ways, we become the victim and stay the victim until we somehow peel back the layers enough to know the truth. Or we become abusers and deny that there is a truth to know, we use other people to keep our dependencies going and contrary to popular belief, abusers do NEED their victims, that is why they loose control, because they cannot stand it when a victim begins to find their independence.
As for the OP's question: Is there hope for them?
I hope so, because there is no shuttle ship to take them off to another planet, so we don't have to face them every day. Denial is a ship that carries people to the next port of destruction.
I started my post by saying that my experience is a generational thing, while I don't think that I can help or change the abusers in my life, by changing who I am, how I interact with abusers and what I do in my own home to teach my children to be independent *may* give hope to reducing the number of abusers in this world. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/21/2008 12:29:56 PM | Quick answer: There's so many abusers because it's easy to get away with, and the abuser benefits greatly. There's plenty of hope for them,they're benefiting, remember? There is very little hope for their victims, however.
Now, what are we, as a society, going to do about it? | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/21/2008 12:30:43 PM | ikiera, like a few of us here, thank you for sharing more of your personal experience. I found it another layer of healing to write a bit about mine and I felt that healing also reading your post.
Yes, there is hope....there has to be...for everyone....and that means all who have been abused, male and female.....and all who have abused....both male and female. This thread is not a gender bashing subject and I really pray that stops right now, since it seems to be creeping in here and there is no place for it here.
All sexes, all ages, and honestly, so many people I am close to have experienced abuse, some as both abuser and abused. It seems so unbelievably more widespread than any statistics I have seen.
It is a severe problem with humanity, as far as I can tell, and it is very troubling. So, yes, it is a matter of raising our children with awareness and sensitivity and truly paying attention to what is happening with them.....sensing their level of emotional and physical safety at all times, and thankfully, now, many more adults are coming forward to ask for help - from both sides.
I know this is only one small thread, and lately there have been many on this subject, so I know more and more are speaking openly about this. And that is good, I think, for in the end all need healing....'all' meaning both abused and abuser.
Figuring out how to help the abuser is a huge step in the right direction. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/21/2008 12:41:05 PM | newyork.........show me where I said the thing you were talking about. It is you who are showing your true colors.
You aren't being nice when you give credit to a person for saying something he didn't say. People start to wonder about you. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/21/2008 1:07:49 PM | Aspiring Angel... Regarding your post 70... Your entire message to me is constructed as though my previous post was to you. My response was more of a general response to the continuous need to discount the horror of abuse by so many people rather than in response to any given post.
Obviously, if you have been abused at one time or another in your life, you may have some knowledge of the issues involved. I don't know your history so I can't comment. So why would you think I was addressing you out of all the posters here?
To the general forum... Is it my illusion or are many of the ex-abused much like ex-smokers... It is almost as tho' saying that one of the few accomplishments of being an "ex-abused" is the ability to jump to the other side of the fence and be just as harsh as they found people to be when they were being abused themselves???
What is THAT dynamic? | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/21/2008 1:14:28 PM | for every abusive person out there...they all have different reasons for being the way they are....some are good reasons and some are just lame
the cycle is vicious but what can you do magically change everything?
and some of these ppl don't deserve help and some do but its all based of the history of reasons | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/21/2008 5:42:46 PM | Valleyrides & Bassman,
Why do you guys seem so ,,,, Well .... Jaded?
Yes I am one of those ones you should stay away from I guess. I was in an abusive relationship and did the back and forth thing but in the end I learned a very hard but valuable lesson from it.
I will not call myself a victum nor a survivor. I am still the me I was when he met me. All it did was add a new layer to the me I am. I would never not date a guy because he was abused by his ex nor would I ever think to hold it against the person he is.
So just a question: Why would you hold it against me? I do not think it is wrong for you to not get involved with someone who has been abused that is yur choice, but I am curious as to why you wouldn't? | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/21/2008 8:00:34 PM | It is easy to get involved with someone who is abusive because at first they are extremely attentive and almost seem too good to be true. This is part of their trap.
Then it starts...Who were you talking to? What time did you leave work? Why didn't you answer your phone when I called? I called you 15 times in the past five minutes...where were you? Etc.
Next, come the accusations. After that, they prey on any weakness you have and try to make you feel like a looser.
After that...hmmmmm I don't know??? That's about as much as I've ever let anyone abuse me.
Next time, I will get out after...I called you 15 times in the past five minutes... | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/21/2008 9:21:39 PM |
Valleyrides & Bassman,
Why do you guys seem so ,,,, Well .... Jaded?
Yes I am one of those ones you should stay away from I guess. I was in an abusive relationship and did the back and forth thing but in the end I learned a very hard but valuable lesson from it.
I will not call myself a victum nor a survivor. I am still the me I was when he met me. All it did was add a new layer to the me I am. I would never not date a guy because he was abused by his ex nor would I ever think to hold it against the person he is.
So just a question: Why would you hold it against me? I do not think it is wrong for you to not get involved with someone who has been abused that is yur choice, but I am curious as to why you wouldn't?
itbelilolme,
Why would you call us jaded? Because we have experience with women who claimed to be abused? Every case is different. You see.........at one time some of us guys were pretty dumb. Every woman that has been abused or believes that she was abused is looking for her knight in shining armor. The problem is other than physical abuse....there really isn't any guide lines for what abuse is. Really, it's all just opinion. However, every young man that hasn't experienced abuse wanst to be a knight in shining armor. He meets a beautiful young woman...in some cases this woman is a single mom. She tells him how she was abused by her first husband and often times by her own dad. Well, the young man can't believe what he is hearing. He thinks, "How can anyone abuse such a beautiful and loving woman?" He falls in love with her and does his best to show her that not all men are abusive. They get married......years later out of the blue she says she wants a divorce and that she feels that he has been abusing her. Yet, she doesn't tell him HOW he was abusing her. So, the young man is devastated. Wondering why his beautiful, loving wife feels abused. Than......he looks back at how she treated him. He remembers that when they were first dating she told him how every man in her life has abused her. And NOW she is accusing him of abuse. Yet...no other family members feel that she is being abused.
You see ibelilolme...........MOST married men have been accused of abuse. A lot of women accuse men of abusing them at the drop of a hat. They do this because they KNOW they can get away with it. Now, I am not saying that abuse doesn't happen. I know it does. But I also know that women are abusing men just as often. Many women feel that it's ok for them to call their husbands vulgar names.........but as soon as he calls her a vulgar name than it's abuse.
So, getting back to the fact that there are no guide lines on what is abuse.......... I was accused of abuse. According to her.......because I held her hand in public........I was abusing her. I loved her enough and was proud that she was my wife which is why I liked to hold hands. However, that was abuse. But she didn't consider herself abusive when she hit me.
So, really......what you women that truely have been abused should be upset about...is all these women that claim to be abused......when they really just didn't love their husband.
Am I jaded? No. I know not all women are like that. However, I am experienced enough to know what an abused AND an abusive woman acts like. I also know that I can not save a woman that feels she has been abused.
A woman that feels she has been abused should get professional help before she gets involved with any other men. Otherwise they will just accuse the next guy of abuse as well.
I have no desire to date anymore women that feel they have been abused. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/21/2008 10:02:12 PM |
Every woman that has been abused or believes that she was abused is looking for her knight in shining armor.
All generalizations are FALSE... this one and YOURS! Many woman who HAVE been abused, find out that there is more than one way to be happy and choose to stay alone. Unfortunately, there are men who not having had any wars to fight or buffalo to hunt, would love nothing more than to be a knight in shining armor to someone.
The problem is other than physical abuse....there really isn't any guide lines for what abuse is.
Yes there are... the Criminal Code sets out the guidelines quite nicely and if that doesn't do it for you, you can always read case law. "Uttering threats" is also a form of abuse with guidelines but it is verbal.. not physical. There are also numerous websites discussing what abuse is.
However, every young man that hasn't experienced abuse wanst to be a knight in shining armor. He meets a beautiful young woman...in some cases this woman is a single mom. She tells him how she was abused by her first husband and often times by her own dad. Well, the young man can't believe what he is hearing. He thinks, "How can anyone abuse such a beautiful and loving woman?" He falls in love with her and does his best to show her that not all men are abusive. They get married......years later out of the blue she says she wants a divorce and that she feels that he has been abusing her. Yet, she doesn't tell him HOW he was abusing her. So, the young man is devastated. Wondering why his beautiful, loving wife feels abused. Than......he looks back at how she treated him. He remembers that when they were first dating she told him how every man in her life has abused her. And NOW she is accusing him of abuse. Yet...no other family members feel that she is being abused.
I can't help but think that there's a personal story being told in this Bassman. These "episodes of neurosis" from the occasional individual are not what the rest of us are talking about when we are discussing "real abuse". Do you think you will ever get over not having your fairytale come true??? I would wish that for you.
You see ibelilolme...........MOST married men have been accused of abuse.
If that were true Bassman, there would be more people in the police detachments than at a "Pay for 1, Get 5 free!" sale at Wal-mart! Where do you get these statistics you use to back up your generalizations?
Do you know that the lawmakers actually had to create a special law to give the police the right to charge someone with domestic violence because MOST OF THE WOMEN wouldn't press charges? And the majority of them won't testify? (Men talk about the fact that men won't speak up when they're being abused but that has been true of women FOREVER and so much so, that they had to take the say-so right out of wives and girlfriends' hands!) A LOT of domestic violence is reported by neighbors, onlookers and friends of the warring couple.
There is only a grain of truth in your contention that most married men have been charged with abuse.. just a grain!
Many women feel that it's ok for them to call their husbands vulgar names.........but as soon as he calls her a vulgar name than it's abuse.
Neither person gets charged for calling each other vulgar names. And no one fights dirtier than 2 people with everything they own at stake in a break-up or a divorce. During my years as a divorce paralegal, I have seen everything from death threats to outright blackmail and every hot button being slammed in each person in between.. At least the criminals know what they're doing when they break the law! Married people who find it more important to be right than to shut up and try to work things out are dirty fighters... They abuse each other and neither gender is less culpable than the other where this lil playzone is concerned...
I was accused of abuse. According to her.......because I held her hand in public........I was abusing her. I loved her enough and was proud that she was my wife which is why I liked to hold hands. However, that was abuse. But she didn't consider herself abusive when she hit me.
I'm sorry.. That musta hurt!
Am I jaded? No. I know not all women are like that. However, I am experienced enough to know what an abused AND an abusive woman acts like. I also know that I can not save a woman that feels she has been abused.
Are you? Are you experienced enough that you could predict what every abused woman acts like? I don't think so... You're already very wrong about a lot of us!
So just on the offchance I'm right about this Bassman... even 50% right... So what if you can't be a "white knight" to someone? Few of us desire Prince Charming and "happy ever after"... I think you're projecting what you want to be rather than facing who today's woman truly is...
A woman that feels she has been abused should get professional help before she gets involved with any other men.
Well one out of ten points right isn't bad for a non-woman. Yes, professional help to unscramble your marbles, forgive yourself for any compassionate feelings you had for the abuser and to try to find reality again is really helpful. I hope you've gotten that help as well since you obviously feel you've been abused.
I have no desire to date anymore women that feel they have been abused.
That's too bad Bassman... Some of us are truly loving, strong and incredible people...
And let's hope that the women who haven't been abused, don't feel the same way about you hey? | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/21/2008 10:30:02 PM |
MOST married men have been accused of abuse. A lot of women accuse men of abusing them at the drop of a hat. They do this because they KNOW they can get away with it.
That's quite a statement Bassman. I was married to a very nice man who treated me with respect 100% of the time as I did with him. The reason we split up are very personal but had nothing at all to do with any kind of abuse. Two years after we seperated I met another man. Yes I admit I fell head over heals. I have never myself seen abuse or really had a clue what it truely meant to be abused. Over the next couple of years I learned what it means.
I was 33 years old, yes you would think I would have had a clue and the first time he got physical with me and I walked out the door I should never have walked back in but I did. It happened again I walked out but 5 months later I was back in yet agian. Over time he did have me beaten down emotionaly, how I did not know, did not understand it all tell I was out for good. It was like I was so ashamed of me and had no idea how he did it to me all I know is he did it to me.
I could never accuse my ex husband of mis treating me at all. I am sorry your wife did this to you but to be honest I do not know many woman that accuse their ex of doing it to them without reason. I had a great childhood, wondeful parents and have great friends that tried to tell me but I did not listen. My ex tried so hard to get me to see that I was not me anymore and he talked to me tell he was blue in the face trying to get me to see it but still I thought it was all my fault.
As I said I am not a victum nor am I a survivor I am just me with a new layer and there is no way I would hold what one perosn did to me against another person. The reason I used the word jaded is because well from your posts you sound like whatever you were accused of doing hurt you deeply and now I understand why.
Thank you for expalining it but please do not brush all of us who have been through it with the same brush. I am sure there are many stories out there some true some not but we're not all the same. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/22/2008 2:39:44 AM | SilkenFire, I didn't assume your post was directed at me, but I did want to somment on what you had said.
I didn't think you were stating that I specifically was going to forget about all the abused women in the world tonight while I'm golfing or sleeping sound. I did however want to comment about how inane those statement are. (sleeping / golfing)
I feel it's dangerous and somewhat irresponsible to color the system in such a bad light. It only helps to encourage that feeling in the abused, that there is no real help, that the system wont really help. I share your frustration and understand it, but painting it thusly is somewhat irresponsible. Yes, the system is flawed, no doubt, but they are there to help. Safe houses, restraining orders, laws against stalking, police officers (despite what has been said about them, it was an officer who initially helped me). There are people out there who care and make it their lifes work to help others who are being abused. They CAN help.
You may only get 30 days in a Safe House, but you'd be safe. There is also councelling, group meetings and help with finding a home / job for those women. The abuser may toss away the restraining papers, but you can call the cops each and every time they come near you. The view you painted is a narrow one, but one I understand. Yes, sometimes it's a mere band-aid. It's what you do with the band-aid that matters!
What I got from your post, was that there is no help. There is.
OH and just fyi, I shot 10 over par, although I know you weren't specifically asking me. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/22/2008 6:21:07 AM | | Bassman to date I have never and I mean never met saw or heard an abusive man admit they are abusive. Even the ones who abused me. Denial is a big thing. No one wants to admit they acted like a jerk and hurt someone whether it be physically or mentally. they refuse to swallow their pride and take the blame and seek help. I have this funny suspision and i could be wrong but I think you may have been verbally abusive to your ex wife and I don't think had a thing to do with hold her hand. Verbal abuse with men is foolishness as they think its okay to put down critisize, badger, control, degrade, intimidate their spouse. You must know what verbal./mental abuse is. Come on now, lets get real. You chose to not acknowlege it thats all. Excuses will get you no where. Why would a women who is happily married to a great guy make up abuse? Does that make sense to you? Doesn't me. What does she gain from that? Its all nonsense and you know it. Stop running from your own demons and face them. Be a man and look within yourself to see why you may have done to cause your ex to feel that way. Stop blaming her. If she hit you that is wrong/ I have never hit a man and never will. Have I said mean things to my mate, yes. Do I appoligize yes. Do I feel bad yes. I have said things like your a jerk, ass hole, or said f u. Yes I have a temper most humans do if push comes to shove. What I am talking about is when a man says to his wife, your fat, ugly, stupid, dumb, can't do anything right, you are worthless, no one would want you, your discusting, what did I ever see in you, If you do anything to piss me off I am going to cheat on you, or do something worse. I will take the kids away from you, I won't let you use the car or have any money. I will tap your phone, I won't give you any affection. I will go out and drink anytime I want and you cant do a thing about it. Why can't you be pretty like your sister. Why are you so fat? Your food stinks. You can't do anything right. And the list goes on and on. | |
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