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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/22/2008 6:43:53 AM | "Verbal abuse" is any statement of disapproval which is undeserved and which tends to cause lasting scars.
Definition Of Verbal Abuse
"Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Unfortunately, this cliché is untrue. Words can hurt as badly as domestic violence, often with more permanent results. This article will offer a definition of verbal abuse, examine how words can hurt and share some personal experience on the subject. We'll cover some ideas for recovery, whether you're the abuser, the victim, or both.
How Can Words Abuse Someone? What if we yell, "Fire!" in a crowded theater, incite a riot, falsely accuse someone in court, or lie about an item we were selling? All of these types of words can cause real harm...and so can words used to threaten, control or insult a "loved" one. It could be a spouse, parent, child, teacher or boss...if they hold a position of authority or affection in your life, they hold the power to verbally abuse you. Around 3,000 years ago, a guy named Solomon wrote, "The power of life and death are in the tongue."
Words are far more powerful and permanent than people imagine. Many have made their child a loser by calling him so. My father often told only one of his kids, "You're going to end up in prison." Is it a coincidence that he was the only child of five that spent time in prison? All parents, beware, careless words can cause serious harm to children. Careless words can harm a spouse, as well.
I Was A Verbal Abuser! Before I knew what was happening, with our marriage less than 2 years old, I was verbally abusing my wife. I now know I was just living out the pattern my father had set, but my wife was significantly harmed before I saw it. In defense of my Dad, I'm sure he loved all of us and never intended harm. Still, he was constantly cursing and criticizing my Mom. After my wedding, I had slowly begun to do the same thing...even using some of the same phrases. Needless to say, my wife began to feel our home was a very dangerous environment in which to have an opinion, so she became distant and quiet, inviting even more anger and criticism from me.
By our second anniversary, I realized I was the problem and needed to change if we were to survive. I discovered that my abuse had turned my wife from a confident, happy, professional to a sad, quiet person who frequently criticized and insulted herself. Thinking it must somehow make me happy, she had learned to take the verbal club out of my hands and pound herself with it. While this was 18 years ago, remembering still brings tears to my eyes. I resolved at that time to change anything about me that caused her to be so fearful and self-loathing. Over the course of 5 years, her attitude returned to confidence and happiness. I had learned that words can cause harm.
Definition Of Verbal Abuse: The power of words to cause serious and often permanent harm is absolute. Solomon was right! Since my purpose is not to offer legal advice, but to help you recover from verbal abuse, we're going to discuss the functional definition of verbal abuse, rather than a legal one. Verbal abuse is any use of language that causes someone harm. In future articles, I'll offer ways to discuss important subjects without doing harm. Frankly, if we care as much about others as we do ourselves, we'll figure it out. The "Golden Rule" comes to mind. Criticism, cursing, recounting past offenses, expressing negative expectations, yelling, expressing distrust, all are forms of verbal abuse. The level of abuse can be gauged by the frequency, volume and emotional weight given to the words.
How To Recover From Verbal Abuse: If you're an abuser, although you feel justified speaking like this, you must stop. You may think you're pointing out something your child needs to change, or a weakness your husband has, but the more you degrade them, the worse they'll feel, the worse they'll become. You may recall how you felt at times you were in their position. If you find the you can't stop the abuse, get some professional help so you can stop hurting people you love.
If you're the victim, you need to understand the abuser is the one with the problem...not you. Even if you've made mistakes, you don't deserve the verbal beatings you're getting. If a loved one just won't stop verbally abusing you and won't get help with the problem, get away from them. If they still won't get help, make the absence permanent. Far too many families have used blood as an excuse for a tyrant to destroy the lives of any within range. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/22/2008 6:55:30 AM | Some people and those they abuse do not recognize it for what it is. Others are afraid to really look at themselves and change. And in many cases, the services that are available are unaffordable if someone cannot find a non-profit or some other organization from which to receive help. My X never hit me but I am sure if the prospect of jail hadn't been staring him in the face he would have. To this day, nearly four years after we split and closer to six since the day I told him to get counseling or we weren't staying married, he says he wants his family back but refuses to make that phone call. I wish for my kids' sake he would do it but he is 53, not going to happen.
Another reason that many abusers remain the way they are is because nice people usually choose not to associate themselves with people that are negative influences. I knew someone that was a snotty biatch for no apparent reason and one by one, those individuals that were her friends disassociated themselves because most of the time not only was there no reason for her bad mood, she would go from perfectly normal to mean as hell in two seconds, really pretty unbelievably mean. She was just poison to be around.
I don't work outside the home so my opportunities for doing this are limited but I encourage my children to be nice to people if they can, even if they are being hateful because they may have a horrible life at home. My children have forged some pretty decent friendships because of this and more often than not, find out that their behavior at school was related to things going on with the family. Who knows, maybe more olive branches would take some of the hurt and anger away and allow people to make better choices for themselves. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/22/2008 7:33:38 AM | I didn't think you were stating that I specifically was going to forget about all the abused women in the world tonight while I'm golfing or sleeping sound. I did however want to comment about how inane those statement are. (sleeping / golfing)
Inane? Not hardly Aspiring Angel. While there are some humanists in the helping professions, even they have had their hands slapped and their funding pulled by our sociopathic governments. The fact is that many people would rather re-victimize the victim than to face that with a few slight changes in circumstance, they would also have a rather harsh education about what it's like to live as an abused spouse, with or without children. The fact is that many people don't understand what the abused spouse is dealing with because it never touches their lives. The fact is that even when people do have some idea of what an abused person is dealing with, they would rather not acknowledge that sometimes, there are circumstances beyond a person's control in this life. People want to believe that every single element of life is within their control and that's why we hear so many "in control" people express shaming attitudes toward the abused.
I feel it's dangerous and somewhat irresponsible to color the system in such a bad light. It only helps to encourage that feeling in the abused, that there is no real help, that the system wont really help. I share your frustration and understand it, but painting it thusly is somewhat irresponsible. Yes, the system is flawed, no doubt, but they are there to help. Safe houses, restraining orders, laws against stalking, police officers (despite what has been said about them, it was an officer who initially helped me). There are people out there who care and make it their lifes work to help others who are being abused. They CAN help.
I color the system as I see it AA... I have been in that system and while I did in fact meet some very good-hearted people, the true power lies with the lawyers and the judges. If you have the misfortune to live in a state or province where they have decided that the Department of Corrections has a budget that is too heavy, whether or not the legal system will help is very much reliant on their revenue base. I have elaborated on what I have already seen in the system. I can't paint it a different color because it ISN'T a different color and until people get that, they will continue to "pretend" that there is a lot of help for the abused. I am glad one police officer was able to help you when you needed it but that isn't the case for most people. A lot of people find police officers yelling at them for "allowing" him to be around when her worst mistake was being in the building where the neighbors let him in.
Good for you that you shot a "10 over par" Aspiring Angel. Quite frankly, that's MY definition of "inane" when there are so many more meaningful things you could be doing with your time and so many people in need of help. But different strokes huh? | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/22/2008 8:27:58 AM |
That's quite a statement Bassman. I was married to a very nice man who treated me with respect 100% of the time as I did with him. The reason we split up are very personal but had nothing at all to do with any kind of abuse. Two years after we seperated I met another man. Yes I admit I fell head over heals. I have never myself seen abuse or really had a clue what it truely meant to be abused. Over the next couple of years I learned what it means.
Perhaps I need to make it clear. Many of you seem to misunderstood me the first time. I never said anything about most men being charged with abuse as another poster said. I said accused of abuse. I should have said accused of abuse by their wives. This was told to me by 3 marriage counselors and one divorce lawyer. All of which I was paying. Also, in my business I have a lot of counselors as customers. Most of them have told me the same thing. Is it true? I don't know. But when so many professionals in the field agree.....you tend to want to believe them.
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itbelilolme,
I don't brush all of you off. However, when you have as much experience as I do it is really easy to see who has been abused and who is an abuser.
I assume you know what projection is? That is when a person believes someone is doing something to them....when in reality they are doing it to the other person.
I don't believe I am jaded.......however, I am very careful. If you pay attention to a persons habits and mannerisms you get a pretty good idea as to how they treat others. You have admitted your first husband treated you very well. However, in my experience most women can't or won't say that about their husbands.
It's pretty obvious what physical abuse is.........but emotional or mental abuse......there really isn't any guide lines as I said before.
And I will stand by what I said about women accusing men of abuse at the drop of a hat. You have to remember.......just because you wouldn't doesn't mean others wouldn't.
So, just from my own experience.....when a woman tells me she was abused by every man in her life........I know enough to stay away. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/22/2008 8:40:46 AM |
Bassman to date I have never and I mean never met saw or heard an abusive man admit they are abusive. Even the ones who abused me. Denial is a big thing. No one wants to admit they acted like a jerk and hurt someone whether it be physically or mentally. they refuse to swallow their pride and take the blame and seek help. I have this funny suspision and i could be wrong but I think you may have been verbally abusive to your ex wife and I don't think had a thing to do with hold her hand. Verbal abuse with men is foolishness as they think its okay to put down critisize, badger, control, degrade, intimidate their spouse. You must know what verbal./mental abuse is. Come on now, lets get real. You chose to not acknowlege it thats all. Excuses will get you no where. Why would a women who is happily married to a great guy make up abuse? Does that make sense to you? Doesn't me. What does she gain from that? Its all nonsense and you know it. Stop running from your own demons and face them. Be a man and look within yourself to see why you may have done to cause your ex to feel that way. Stop blaming her. If she hit you that is wrong/ I have never hit a man and never will. Have I said mean things to my mate, yes. Do I appoligize yes. Do I feel bad yes. I have said things like your a jerk, ass hole, or said f u. Yes I have a temper most humans do if push comes to shove. What I am talking about is when a man says to his wife, your fat, ugly, stupid, dumb, can't do anything right, you are worthless, no one would want you, your discusting, what did I ever see in you, If you do anything to piss me off I am going to cheat on you, or do something worse. I will take the kids away from you, I won't let you use the car or have any money. I will tap your phone, I won't give you any affection. I will go out and drink anytime I want and you cant do a thing about it. Why can't you be pretty like your sister. Why are you so fat? Your food stinks. You can't do anything right. And the list goes on and on.
newyorktomboy,
I have never said any of these things to any woman. However, you admit that you have said some of these to your husband....or exs. Can you admit you were abusive to them? You assume that I was verbally abusive to my wife........what on earth
makes you think that? I am sure my ex-wife's family including my step daughter would all hate my guts if that were true. But they don't........from their own experience as well as what her daugher has told them they know better.
I know what it is like to be on the recieving end of all that. I don't have that kind of temper.......heck, I don't even swear. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/22/2008 8:51:20 AM | Bassman,
I am just trying to understand this type of thought process. You are not the only one to say this to me.
So are you saying every woman from your past has accused you of abuse? Or is this only your observation because this is what professionals tell you and your one experiance?
So, just from my own experience.....when a woman tells me she was abused by every man in her life........I know enough to stay away.
This statement seems to paint every abused woman with the same brush and that is why I asked you the question. I was in 1 abusive relationship. I have accpeted it and moved on. It was a long road to discover why I would have let him do the things to me he did. I think emotional abuse is very real and there are real guidelines for it. If you look up gas lighting, emotional abuse, mental abuse, you will see there are real studies and real people behind the stories. I am so sorry you went though what you did, but not every person out there will accuse their ex of this. Do I think some do .... yes but a huge percentage .... no I don't think it is as prevelent as you might think.
I have a known a ton of people in my life have many life long friends. I have seen lots of seperations, divorce and break ups. I was 33 when I met this guy and really did not have a good grasp on what abuse really was and what it could do to a person becasue it is not something that I knew a lot of people going through. A few along the road but not enough to really understand it all.
So in my experiance with everyday people this is not something that is done, or maybe it is the people I know and have as friends that they would not do it. Or maybe I am just to small minded to see the big picture, but I like my world so it's all good. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/22/2008 8:55:45 AM | nicely said,
The fact is that many people don't understand what the abused spouse is dealing with because it never touches their lives. The fact is that even when people do have some idea of what an abused person is dealing with, they would rather not acknowledge that sometimes, there are circumstances beyond a person's control in this life. People want to believe that every single element of life is within their control and that's why we hear so many "in control" people express shaming attitudes toward the abused
It is impossible to control everything in life. The fact that our psychology revolves around the idea we do have control is perplexing. Like the idea that people need to look inside to find out why they 'attracted' an abusive situation.
The simple answer is 'I was born into this world'. While it is true that without a victim there is no perpetrator. But that does not mean the abuser will stop abusing someone, they just find someone else to abuse. And perhaps an abused person may find themselves in more then one abusive situation. But i really think it is a stretch to assume because it happens more then once that the abused person is responsible for the situation. Why do people join cults? Why do people join religions? Just because a person may search in several religions for answers doesn't make them religious. They may after three tries decide religion is not for them, nor does it mean they are flaky just for searching. Conversely they may become manipulated and end up drinking poisoned grape juice.
Remove the abused and put them in a loving relationship and what happens? Do they ask their loving partners to abuse them because they want to make sense of things? No they thrive, just as any human would unless they simply can't function because of previous abuse. Put an abuser with a loving person and what happens? They will abuse the loving person. maybe not at first but the more they want from the individual the more abuse will escalate. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/22/2008 9:03:10 AM | Bassman,
I am just trying to understand this type of thought process. You are not the only one to say this to me.
So are you saying every woman from your past has accused you of abuse? Or is this only your observation because this is what professionals tell you and your one experiance
itbelilolme,
No, I have had many girl friends and only one wife. That marriage lasted for 12 years....with her for 18 years. She has been the only one to accuse me of abuse. However, she never told me what that abuse was. It was her mother that told me she felt abused when we held hands in public. If you would like to know more feel free to write me. But I won't say anything else in public about this.
Too many people get confused. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/22/2008 9:04:28 AM | Bassman you answered the question very well and there isnt much I can add to your explanation .. I will add that I go along with your generilization and can tell you have had experiance with this type of women as well ..and this type you and I were referring to are the ones who claim to be abused ..it takes two to have a fight or an argument and when we only hear the claims of abuse ..I wonder why they were fighting in the first place..You say you have no desire to date anymore women that feel they have been abused ..because they will just accuse the next guy of abuse ..I agree with you ,this is very common .....I wonder what buttons they are pushing all the time with every relationship ,,
are they .argumentive ,lazy ,slappy,pushy,unfaithful,drunks,dopers...the list goes on..and on .... .read the responces from all of the so called abused women .. any actions taken against them for being argumentive ,lazy ,slappy,pushy,unfaithful,drunk dopers,,etc..is concidered abusive .. they are protected to do what ever they wish ....this type is the abuser ..and once you end up with this type without deacent morels how do you get rid of them without loosing your home or children ? you cant ..they are protected in family court as well.. its a big red flag | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/22/2008 9:17:36 AM | jeez.. and these are only the ones who tell you the TRUTH!!!
How about the serial spouse killers out there? of BOTH sexes?
hey... it's a crap shoot no matter what... to some degree. You might grow up with someone who winds up becoming abusive as they get older. The way people treat other people depends on many things: their mental health, their home or work environment, their support systems...like family, etc... neuropsychological development.. who knows?
The truth is that somewhere along the line, most people get abusive in some way. Humans are like that, I feel...so if you want to be in any LTR with someone, you have to be able to take a little crap... unless you're rich and can afford to dump them when that happens.
However, when it becomes life threatening or a chronic condition that makes it so you're afraid to face them or you're losing sleep and getting extremely depressed and can't stop thinking about the problem even when you're not with them; it's probably time to make a change, whether you can afford it or not.
If you stay, you're not helping them. If anything, they'll be more confident in what they're doing BECAUSE you stay and they'll get worse.
Don't forget: nothing succeeds like success... and if they pull that stuff on you and get something out of it, they've succeeded and you've given them the power to do that.
You lose. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/22/2008 9:48:06 AM | Abuse stems from people that refuse to control anger. They have issues and need counseling. They have to want help, however. This is the first step.
so what if she is a lazy drunk tramp smilestyle ? do you think anger management is the cure ..? get real ..some first step you offer ...this response has become the typical defence for there poor abused victim ..when in many cases they are the ones doing the victimizing ....
Sadly, most people don't change.
now with this I agree ..why should they change ? they are getting away with staying just the way they are ..so stay clear of them..its a huge red flage ..
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/22/2008 10:40:10 AM | I know you've been trying to put your finger on a particular aspect of this issue and I really think you've done it with this paragraph:
Remove the abused and put them in a loving relationship and what happens? Do they ask their loving partners to abuse them because they want to make sense of things? No they thrive, just as any human would unless they simply can't function because of previous abuse. Put an abuser with a loving person and what happens? They will abuse the loving person. maybe not at first but the more they want from the individual the more abuse will escalate. It is clear whose way of relating to others is healthy when you put them in a loving environment. Sometimes the abused do need to heal from the abuse they have suffered but the way they relate to others is not fundamentally flawed or in need of correction. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/22/2008 12:25:49 PM | Some times getting to the root of things is very difficult because we find ourselves emotionally trapped by our own pain. But within the pain also lies the answer to our own freedom for they are one in the same.
I stumbled upon this quote that seemed fitting:
Violence is not merely killing another. It is violence when we use a sharp word, when we make a gesture to brush away a person, when we obey because there is fear. So violence isn't merely organized butchery in the name of God, in the name of society or country. Violence is much more subtle, much deeper
scorpiomover in another thread posted:
When I read the threads about abusive relationships, they all point out one thing, how they never start out very abusive, but that they build up the abuse slowly over time, insidiously. That's why I see the need to keep the small things. It's the slippery slide, and I see it everywhere. But when I talk to people, they see no reason to keep the small things. That's why I see a need for educating people that the small things need to be kept.
And i think he makes a good observation. Even the men that feel that they have gotten a bad rap in the past in relationships with women who cry wolf and get away with it. We know this happens and this is just as abusive as any other abuse. But the simple fact is that if you don't respect the woman why are you with them, leave there is no reason to stay in an abusive relationship even if you feel trapped because 'they will take you for everything you got'. In the end they will get it any ways if that's what they want. When i read things like this:
so what if she is a lazy drunk tramp smilestyle ? do you think anger management is the cure ..? get real ..some first step you offer ...this response has become the typical defence for there poor abused victim ..when in many cases they are the ones doing the victimizing .... in response to : Abuse stems from people that refuse to control anger. They have issues and need counselling. They have to want help, however. This is the first step.
All i can say is there is no justification for violence and abuse unless you are physically in danger and need to protect yourself. Responses like these just reek of violence and control and i can see why no one is hearing your message. Yes it does take two to fight, but it doesn't take two to abuse in the same sense. The last thing you do is fight back with an abuser unless you can end it because it just means it will be worse or even fatal. There is a difference being in a dysfunctional relationship that both are abusive but one partner pulls the 'report them to the authorities' card on the other. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/22/2008 1:14:44 PM |
But the simple fact is that if you don't respect the woman why are you with them, leave there is no reason to stay in an abusive relationship even if you feel trapped because 'they will take you for everything you got'. In the end they will get it any ways if that's what they want.
It isn't so much about us respecting them........it's about them respecting us. A woman that will take a man for all he is worth doesn't respect him.
I have found that no matter how much you respect someone......or how much you love them.......if they don't feel the same way about you...you are the one that will get hurt. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/22/2008 2:05:37 PM | All i can say is there is no justification for violence and abuse unless you are physically in danger and need to protect yourself
thats sounds straight out of some womens shelter booklet ..or what ever ..
and i guess anger managment will help all those men who just want to boot there drunk pill popping unfaithful tramp's to the curb..or detox..what a joke .(oh is talking like that abuse )..instead of anger managment men need a way to ditch the butch ..a place to call.. that remove bad wives ..instead of getting mad at them ..
there is no place for men to call when they have bad wives they want removed .. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/22/2008 8:13:50 PM |
Remove the abused and put them in a loving relationship and what happens? Do they ask their loving partners to abuse them because they want to make sense of things? No they thrive, just as any human would unless they simply can't function because of previous abuse. Put an abuser with a loving person and what happens? They will abuse the loving person. maybe not at first but the more they want from the individual the more abuse will escalate.
And that's really the bottom line... well said CrazyLilting!!!
What I find quite amazing is the people who feel that they've been abused by someone claiming abuse who will say they will never care about someone who feels they've been abused. Where is that gonna leave them? | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/23/2008 7:57:51 AM | the solution to your problem is called divorce. It's legal, unlike assault.
solution rune3?? ... .thats the problem ....men are complaining about the unequal treatment they get when they try to end things in a court ..the court is one sided ,,
Going to court you say ??my god that isn't a solution ...it's even more abuse by the system we turn to for help..
the courts are against responsible men and reward the ?? we will call her the so called "care giver" she is a women ...and when she does nothing else the title is automatically assumed by our court ....she automatically gets sole custody
OUR COURTS SYSTEM ??this subject is yet another reason why we should make equal custody automatic ..we could just end things without a fight ..the court system promotes a fight ..and we will continue to see abuse ..as long as they continue to push favouritism for women ..and abuse mens right to equality .. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/23/2008 8:15:32 AM | I don't think it's fair for women to get as many advantages as they generally do when it comes to child custody in a divorce case. The problem is that when a court rules, it really doesn't have the resources to determine WHO the best caregiver is...
It's just like a murder case... The state and the accused bring their case before the court. The court MUST rule one way or the other...and either convict the defendant or let them go free. They have to make the call based on ONLY the evidence presented to it. Some innocent people are going to get convicted and some guilty people will go free, but it's the best our society can do at this time.
Males in the human and indeed, the primate species are known as being more violent, generally, than females. Females are usually the caregivers of the species. Of course, there are MANY exceptions to this... and courts would be well advised to listen to arguments concerning those...
... But if a custody case is brought before the court, given as little as they know about the individuals, who can fault them for assuming the woman would usually do a better job? | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/23/2008 8:18:03 AM | What I find quite amazing is the people who feel that they've been abused by someone claiming abuse who will say they will never care about someone who feels they've been abused. Where is that gonna leave them?
You still don't seem to get it. A lot of women do accuse their husbands of abuse when they weren't abused. These men know enough to stay away from those women. Where does that leave them? They end up with women that are far more mature and wouldn't accuse someone of abuse unless it really happened. Heck, not every woman feels they have been abused. Most abuse starts when they were kids living at home. Often times it isn't the dad that that has abused them.....it's the mother. The mother abused the father and the kids.....then the daughters learn it from them. The whole time the mother is blaming the husband of abuse. Then the daughter ends up getting married and the cycle continues. Unless, the kids can see what the problem is and break away. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/23/2008 8:35:43 AM | | Does anyone notice that an aweful lot of men are crying fowl and playing the pour me pour men story. That women are all out to get men and we make up abuse and do not deserve help. These are the statements of abusers. Abusers do not want women to be educated so they can free from the abuse. They want to make them some sort of trouble making liers. So very sad. There is no excuse for abuse. Women should not have to feel afraid or in fear of living in her own home. Women should not be treated like dirt. Women have been treated second class for ever. Now you here why we have been treated like second class. Because what we say and how we feel and what we go through is a joke and does not count and we should just all be thankful we have a man to abuse us. I do not get the rationalization of these men. What hilbilly rock did they crawl out from under? When a rape victim is told they are making it up and when in fact it did happen they are being mentally raped by the once who don't believe them. Its a cold callous world we live in. No simple answers when you have so many who just don't want to hear the truth. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/23/2008 8:49:09 AM | Bassman
I cannot help but want to explain things in a different light to you, it simply just isn't as cut a dried as you have put it. Obviously you feel burned by the fire of your own circumstances, but to throw all the fish back that have had abusive experiences as a result of that is like saying you won't heat the house because the fire will burn you. In effect it is only the ember that falls out of the fire that burns you. (I heat my house with wood, I should know)
What has been lacking in this thread is a discussion of the motive that keeps the cycle of abuse going....
I only see the motive being mentioned in the contexed of the blame or fault being attributed to one or the other in the relationship.
Motive for abusing = fear
Motive for staying and or running = fear
And that fear is most often an illusion of some sort in the context of the psyche.
I am pointing out that illusionary psychological fear is what creates the stories that exist in the abused and the abuser's mind, that hold them in the pattern. That web can only be untangled by the person that weaves it for only they have the ability to retrace where it came from. I think the question therefore is how we can educate them to change the script that is rolling around in their heads.
I can only talk from my own perspective and I don't want to stand in judgement of others (if I sound like I do, I really don't mean to). However, the question being asked is *if* there is hope for the abuser. It seems very illusive to find that answer when most abusers and many of the abused have distanced themselves so far from reality so as not to realise that change is necessary, let alone possible.
I just don't believe that either side of the equation are capable of understanding that they are acting with an intent to harm, rather they are acting with the intent to alleviate the fear that they are experiencing, real or otherwise. | |
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