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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/23/2008 9:25:20 AM | Males in the human and indeed, the primate species are known as being more violent, generally, than females. Females are usually the caregivers of the species. Of course, there are MANY exceptions to this... and courts would be well advised to listen to arguments concerning those...
... But if a custody case is brought before the court, given as little as they know about the individuals, who can fault them for assuming the woman would usually do a better job?
this is one of the poorest explanations I have read yet ..and this is exactly what men are complaining about ..equal custody removes the fight without the need for a court at all to become involved unless there is a problem.,,and we have a system in place to call if there is reason to settle things in favour of one ....so if you want to stop abuse or pushing men over the edge ..stop abusing them ..stop forcing them to fight back..stop pushing them around..stop kidnapping or steeling there family from them..and extorting them to pay up in court when they try and contest this one sided court system ..want to stop abuse ..just stop abusing men ..because that is what keeps the cycle of abuse going.... its time to legislate equality unless it can be proved in court otherwise should be considered..and end all the fighting | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/23/2008 9:45:34 AM | Wow.... I have read through this whole thread and I see a lot of very intelligent, emotionally responsible answers...... and then you also read the ones where the poster really doesn't seem to have a clue.
Many of my friends, both male and female, have been abused.... as have I. I lived it, I was in shelters.... and several of my best friends, two of them male, have also been abused. Bottom line - this is not a gender specific issue. It is statistically an issue where the male is the abuser and the woman is the victim.... but this is not always the case. The ONLY common thread in abuse is that the abuser has a low self-esteem. He/she builds their self-esteem temporarily by "controlling" their victim.... they get a sense of power, and feel better about themselves temporarily from their actions. No, not all people who have low self-esteem become abusers.... but no two people are alike. Not all self-centered people become "attention whores" either.... not all hungry people reach for chips and a burger.... not all drug addicts go for cocaine.... we all get our needs fulfilled in different ways. The abuser is filling their need for love with attention... any kind they can get.... they just go about it in the wrong way.
Do I condone abuse in any way, shape or form.... for any reason? Absolutely not!!! All kinds of abuse are destructive - emotional, mental and physical... and in my opinion, emotional abuse wreaks the most havoc by far ..... and after having lived it, and seeing friends go thru the fallout from it.... and got my children in counselling from it..... I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that our society has to do more to fix the problem. As the original poster suggests - we need to go to the cause of it, and see what we can do to repair things at the root of the problem. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/23/2008 11:21:15 AM |
this is one of the poorest explanations I have read yet ..and this is exactly what men are complaining about ..equal custody removes the fight without the need for a court at all to become involved unless there is a problem.,,and we have a system in place to call if there is reason to settle things in favour of one ....so if you want to stop abuse or pushing men over the edge ..stop abusing them ..stop forcing them to fight back..stop pushing them around..stop kidnapping or steeling there family from them..and extorting them to pay up in court when they try and contest this one sided court system ..want to stop abuse ..just stop abusing men ..because that is what keeps the cycle of abuse going.... its time to legislate equality unless it can be proved in court otherwise should be considered..and end all the fighting
Poor explanation?
I don't quite understand how you're criticizing my statement... if you're saying there's no general pattern of women being less dangerous to children than men... let me ask how many times you've heard of men holding their families hostage when police are trying to arrest them? or killing the wife and kids because the wife wants a divorce, etc, etc, etc...?
How many times have you heard of women doing this?
Isn't familicide almost exclusively a male thing?
Isn't this in itself a valid general reason (exceptions notwithstanding, as I mentioned above... The court certainly can't ASSUME everything, or there would be no purpose for a court...it would just be a rule of law that women GET custody, and that's certainly NOT the case!) for courts to be abit predisposed to assume the female would usually be a better caregiver, all other things being equal?
Think about it. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/23/2008 12:34:48 PM | Stranger,
I have to agree with Valley. I understand what you are saying. However, I think what Valey is saying.....is that the courts DO assume too much. Even you said they assume things.
The courts shouldn't be assuming anything. I agree that it is hard not to. When you think of mom you don't think of a violent person. The media doesn't want to think of mom being a violent person.
So when a woman is violent no one wants to believe it. No one wants to believe that a 130 pound woman is abusing a 200 pound man. They ask themselves how can that happen?
Well, it happens. As I said before, most men are raised not to hit women. So when a woman hits him.....chances are very good he won't hit back. However, in most cases he will stick around for so long wondering why he gets hit and try to make things better. He wants to fix the problem. Isn't that what men do? Try to fix things?
Oh, and if a man does hit back to defend himself!!!!!! Then the trouble really starts.
I have never hit a woman. However, I do know the law.
In California if a man hits his wife......for ANY reason and the police are called........if he owns a gun.....the first thing they do is take away his guns. It makes no difference if he was defending himself and just hit her once to put an end to the fighting. You might not go to jail......but they will take your guns. Even if it was determind that you were defending yourself.....it will still be a long time before you get your guns back.
Really, the way the system works......it's better for the man to take the abuse and not defend himself. Then when things cool down go and get a divorce. But even than it will be hard for him to prove that his wife is abusive. And in most cases he will still get the short end of the stick. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/23/2008 12:43:31 PM | all other things being equal?
name one thing that is equal ..let alone all other ..
you can not compare the reaction or the situation a drowning person is in ...
to the reaction or the situation the person in the life boat is in ..
you say women aren't violent ? a women wouldn't react violently if someone took her child from her ..or everything else including her children ...you are very naive in your assumptions about men and women .. the information you have to use for your comparison isn't an equal sample of men and women in the same situation at all..
but until then ..sink or swim ..but you don't get to use the life raft ..if your a man
lets see some equality and you will see many things change for the better of all ..and we can stay out of court ..the unjust inequality we have now only creates hatred and anger and frustration ..and abusive situations..we have a war in and out of court ..
lets have some peace ..and end the violance ..with equal rights for all..automaticly..
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/23/2008 2:43:37 PM | there is, they just dont seek it out, are afraid to admit the problem.
jail is ok in certain instances, but truthfully, it will mostly do more harm than good for most..some do deserve time in the cell, but they need mental help..meds and counseling | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/26/2008 2:01:46 AM | Does anyone notice that an aweful lot of men are crying fowl and playing the pour me pour men story.
Yup i notice that very thing on BOTH sides of the equation.
That women are all out to get men and we make up abuse and do not deserve help. These are the statements of abusers.
So all men who are a bit leery of getting into a relationship with someone who abuses them are abusers?
If your generalization holds true equally for both sexes that would mean you just stated you are an abuser. Actually you proved yourself an abuser by the derogatory remark wich would insinuate all hillbillies are abusive.
What hilbilly rock did they crawl out from under
As a card carrying member of the redneck/hillbilly fraternity i am appauled at this abusive statement being directed at us. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/26/2008 2:10:32 AM | Males in the human and indeed, the primate species are known as being more violent, generally, than females. Females are usually the caregivers of the species. Of course, there are MANY exceptions to this... and courts would be well advised to listen to arguments concerning those...
. But if a custody case is brought before the court, given as little as they know about the individuals, who can fault them for assuming the woman would usually do a better job?
Males were known as being more violent however more of us are coming out and speaking about what is actually happening in the home. It is no longer just women who complain about abusive relationships and family violence. I wouldn't be surprised if the women wound up surpassing us in this statistic in the next 20 years or so.
Who can fault the courts for assuming the women would do a better job? I will, for one, fault them. The court is supposed to be impartial. The court system is a major reason possibly the biggest reason we have equal rights legislation so it is time they started to impliment their own laws into their system and treat both sexes equally. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/26/2008 2:26:27 AM | ^^^yes, i agree -
Who can fault the courts for assuming the women would do a better job? I will, for one, fault them. The court is supposed to be impartial. The court system is a major reason possibly the biggest reason we have equal rights legislation so it is time they started to impliment their own laws into their system and treat both sexes equally.
perhaps off topic, but yes - i have always thought the courts and law are full of hypocricy -
the 'innocent until proven guilty' cliche' does not apply when children are automatically put with mothers and it is assumed they will make better caretakers and providers....grrrr.... i'm a woman and i feel that is much too closed minded - almost like the men are pre-determined to be guilty, so not given a fair chance being fathers...grrrr...i don't agree with it at all. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/26/2008 3:17:19 AM |
There's so many abusers because it's easy to get away with
I think it's easy to get away with is because, when it really counts, people "mind their own business" and people ignore it, accept it or generally chose not to deal with it for whatever reason. In essence, as an integral part of our society, don't people owe each other a little more than that? Aren't we all swimming in the same bowl of social soup so to speak? It's not sticking your nose in other peoples' business. It's just caring enough to get involved.
Abusers don't just happen. They've been around. They've been developing and perfecting their ways for a long long time We've all seen the archetypes. I think we have to really care enough to pay attention from the beginning, no? I see it like a cavity. The sooner the dentist deals with it, the less painful. The other extreme, completely ignoring it, you could lose you teeth, gums, the whole shot. Prevention would be a good start. In the mature extreme cases, there can be and are negative consequences though, sometimes. You could damage a friendship (if the friendship can't survive the truth). There are varying degrees of loss, of course, but then again, on the flip side is a happy ending and those are out there too. Just my late nite post 278 mile drive home from Vegas.
I went through junior high school, high school, three years in the army. Best buddies right? Shared plenty of beers after a long hot day at work. We were the closest of friends. We almost instinctively knew what each other would say about any given thing.
Two years after we get out of the army, trouble. He meets his future wife and they eventually get married (I heard it was an ok wedding). But from the minute my friend and at least thirty of our mutual friends quickly observed [you couldn't NOT see it it]. This gal was a certified card carrying emasculatrix from hell. From within two weeks of their first meeting, they practically cut off all of HIS social ties. None of us heard from him even though we'd all call...up to a point. We got nothing. But no one was going to say the obvious...the truth. We weighed the balancing factors. On the plus side, from HIS viewpoint, he appears happy. So, maybe that, in truth is what he really wanted in life and, if so, that's completely cool. He makes his choices. The world makes it's own. Or, what if he's not really aware of what's going on and, rather, he's confusing his "bliss" with something altogether different. I don't know.
Weeks later, I saw him and causually asked him whether he'd seen anyone in "the gang". He said he didn't and when I asked him why that was he said his wife "didn't like them because she never felt as though we "accepted her". Well, as to the negatives, you betcha'.
And, he said, if she wasn't good enough for them, then neither was he. More to the story? | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/26/2008 3:51:43 AM | ^^^ You say
"I think it's easy to get away with is because, when it really counts, people "mind their own business" and people ignore it, accept it or generally chose not to deal with it for whatever reason. ..."
I think the essence of why there are so many abusive and abused people is because of the shame. And, some abusive people carry guilt just after the incident, but it does not usually stop them from 'committing' the same crime again....and again.....and again.
And the abused, both men and women, carry so much shame that runs very deep. To tell anyone requires huge trust that they then won't be ridiculed for allowing themselves to be in such a relationship.
Also, remember, for those who were abused as children, not telling anyone was part of the 'training'. It runs very deep not to tell. And many are still too afraid to.  | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/26/2008 5:40:46 AM | 'and the game plays on'....
we are so horrified to think torture happens by our and other governments, but it also happens right here in our own homes - for that is what abuse is - it is torture and it really is no game, of course......and all the players are losers....until the end the game....a bit like Jumaangi - opening it up can so often bring more horrors. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/26/2008 6:17:54 AM | Bassman I kinda get the feeling or impression if you will that you think you and other men are more abused than women and women deserve to be abused or they asked for it or they instigate it. Yet your abuse is genuine and deserves all our sympathy and concern. If any person man or women inflicts pain another human being be it a husband, child, friend, etc. its abuse. It can be verbal, emotional, mental, sexual, and physical abuse. No abuse is acceptable no matter what. Treating our fellow human beings with love and kindness is the utmost important s in any valuable relationship for a man or a women.
A long time ago about 30 yrs ago I remember this wife whos husband was dieing of cancer and she abused him and cheated on him and treated him like dirt. I wanted to beat her senseless. How could she do that to a dieing man. He treated her like gold to the end. He nearly ended his own live in deep desperation to get away from the abuse. I know there are women wack jobs out there. I am not naive. Humans in general can be very cruel people. Its the nature of fallen men and women who tend to be narcisitic in nature in order to fullfill some need to be in control of another human being in some way or another. Some go over board and end up killing their mate.
Abuse is rampet in this society and we can blame everything on who knows what but the facts still remain. For every fake report there are a 10o real serious reports. So I may seem indifferent when I hear about fake reports because they are in suck small numbers. not that they are less important its just that the 100 serious ones are not important either.the legal system and societ turns their heads and said you made your bed now lie in it.
So here were are in 2008 still trying to come up with a better way to deal with this. Understand why its happening. If the abusers don't want to be helped then the law has to step in and do something. IF a stranger comes up to you and beats you and you end up in the hospital this person is accountable. But if a spouse does it he is just having a bad day. Where is the logic in that? | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/26/2008 10:51:58 AM | newyorktomboy,
<div class="quote">Bassman I kinda get the feeling or impression if you will that you think you and other men are more abused than women and women deserve to be abused or they asked for it or they instigate it.
You need to stop assuming things. Your impression is so far off.
Also, here you are admitting that you wanted to beat a woman senseless for what she was doing to her husband. How does that make you any better than her?
Heck, I hunt both big game and small game. Most my friends do too. We know what it's like to see real suffering and pain. I know I could never inflict any of that on to another human. I doubt that any of my friends could either unless it was a case of self defense. Now, this is only my opinion but it seems that those of us that have hunted or have had to take a human life in self defense are more compassionate towards our fellow humans.
Now just because I am willing to stand up and say "That's enough" when I see women like you saying men are "Highly more likely " to abuse than women are, doesn't mean that I believe anyone deserves abuse.
I did a LOT of research on the subject. So, yeah......women abuse men just as often.
Also.......studies show that in the most violent physical cases of abuse towards women from men....the women did instigate or provolk.
Now.......when will things change? When society admits that women are just as guilty as men.
Feminist groups are trying hard to make sure that never happens. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/26/2008 10:56:04 AM | "Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?"
I have come to the conclusion we teach people how to treat us.
It doesn't mean there are'nt abusive people out there it just means the are not likely to abuse someone who doesn't let them. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 5/20/2009 10:07:15 AM | Why don't abusers recognise they are abusive? Can they blame it on thier past? Most often I found abusers were abused. It seems like a viscious cycle. Why isn't there more help for abusers?
Well I know that to this day.... My ex will look ME in the eyes and say that he has never laid a hand on me.... Lets be honest my neck didnt fracture its self 18 times, and my arm didnt magically break and all those black eyes COME ON.... But really tells people that he has NEVER laid a hand on a women... so this does interest me. I would like to know also.... I only know that he did mention to me once that he doesnt concider choking me, grabbing me, and slapping me, a form of hitting or abuse for that matter.................???????? hmmm. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 10/9/2009 1:23:35 PM | | My ex-boyfriend was abusive in every way. What caused me to fall in love with him was his charm and humor and his class. He only abused me when no one was looking and he was explosive. He is friends with the police and the courts, so they continue to let him slide and find reasons to not give me an order of protection. He stalks me, sets me up and calls the police after he hits me and tells them he did not want me there when he insisted on me spending time with him. Help! | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 10/9/2009 1:59:17 PM | I'll take your post seriously. It sounds bad. I'd offer the idea that it might be wise to cut and run. Or run and hide. There are women's shelter type organizations that will help you move and change your name and hide from him.
This would be massively and ridiculously unfair. It sucks. But it might save your life.
In my opinion, there would be no shame, no reason to feel guilty or bad if you take this step.
I hope you find some kind of solution. Maybe other posters have better ideas.
good luck. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 10/10/2009 6:38:38 PM | I go to a 12 step group. It is called "loving detachment". You detach yourself emotionally. Provide them tools such as pamphlets, schedules of meetings in whatever the area they have a problem in, purchase literature, provide them phone numbers of the detox programs. If they get in trouble with the law,---do not bail them out. Do not enable them, cover up for them, sugar coat what happened. Let them be responsible for telling the story and being responsible for their own actions. Always tell them you love them and give them the tools so that they may get the help. Hug them. Call the police if they get abusive even if it your own child. It might be possible that you might have to even write a letter to the Judge and let the Judge know they have a drinking problem, anger management problem, gambling problem or ? and need Gambler's Anonymous, Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Anger Management or other kinds of support groups. Use wisdom and tact in this. If it is dangerous---get out. Things will not change and it is not your fault.Take action. /Set boundaries. If they are violated---take action and make a decision. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 10/10/2009 7:06:53 PM | This is going to sound harsh , but if you have a recurring theme of abusive people in your life , you need to look seriously at yourself and fix things solo before you get in another relationship. I have some experience with this and if you'd like to email , you can (but I don't mean any offense by this..let's just say I've been 'giving back' on this issue for a long time after some people saved my life).
Abusers? Yes and no. I actually worked volunteer at a program in Denver that kept abusers with their familes. It sound counter-intuitive , I know. I was appalled at first...and honestly, if it hadn't been for some volunteer family recovery work I didn in Texas with Buckner's Childrens Home...I would not have even considered this. It still made my skin crawl at first because of my own baggage. But, these are guys/families in counselling trying to do the right thing and getting a LOT of help with being good fathers, husbands, men.
Generally...my personal opinion? Run the f* away as fast as you can; literally or figuratively, depending on the situation. And don't look back. It is a vicious cycle, you just don't need to be the victim.
Can they blame it on their past? My abuser had a horriffic past & a cultural / societal angle to blame it on ,too. Bottom line? Doesn't matter. You aren't going to fix them. And sadly, they will most likely not fix themselves (but some do).
I've worked in two pretty big programs in two different states so there is definitely help out there. I suppose there could be more for the abusers. Honestly, my primary concern lies with the victims. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 10/10/2009 7:09:32 PM | | My ex-boyfriend I fell in love with and bent over backwards to please him. In return, I got a man who refused to introduce me to his family or friends and I went out 4 1/2 yrs. I was never invited to holiday events. Weekends he often was with his family and I was never invited. He would invite me over and when I went to his apartment he would explode and then tell the police that he did not want me there. Then the police would not know who to charge, ----him with getting violent after begging me to come over or me with trespassing. He stalked me everywhere, bad-mouthed me to everybody where I got kicked out of large churches I went to for years based on him ruining my credibility as a person, ruined my character to his family which made them not want to meet me, choked me, hit me and when I tried to get away he locked my purse, credit cards and telephone in his trunk. When the cops arrived they arrested me because in trying to get away, he got scratched and he dramatized the story on the phone when he called the police, since my phone was locked up. He has also cheated on me repeatedly, with POF women, which is how I found out about POF. He has humilated me behind my back and in front of others. When I was with him, he flirted with woman everywhere and excluded me in any conversation. He is abusive when I am alone with him, never in front of others. He is also technology oriented so he uses equipment to trap me and get evidence to use in court. He is up and down, very charming and charismatic with everybody and most people like him and would never think that he is abusive. He could explode if I ask him a question regarding a party or ? and then next thing you know I am being thrown across the room. No one would ever believe that this man is this abusive. He lies, bounces checks, sets you up to be trapped using technology equipment that is his employers. It is frightening because he is smooth and learned all his techniques from the military, special forces. I really tried to help him and really loved him. He does not want help and fools all the counselors, doctors, police and judges. I tried to go to the counselor with him but he refuses to be honest and deal with the real truth. Now he is lying about even throwing me across the room to the Judge and the Judge is believing him and dismissing the order of protection. It is going to trial and he has a good Attorney. I can't afford one and they told me I don't need one since I have a Town Prosecutor. I do not know what to do. I did nothing, so I should not be concerned. What does he want from me? If we are not seeing one another why is he freaking out about an order of protection and he wants to go to trial instead? The Judge dismissed this order of protection based on a lie that he told the Judge and I was not even present to defend myself. He knows the cops, Judges and systems pretty well since he goes in and out of court for his tenents. He has done so much more to me before, but they are too numerous to talk about. Even though it is over, I hurt emotionally that he did not want help and that he wants a relationship with me, (according to him) yet he is abusive. It does not matter if I love him or not---I need to stay away for my own life and my own freedom, since he knows alot of cops and Judges and they continue to protect him. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 10/10/2009 7:26:17 PM | If an abuser wants to get help they should get it, be separated from their family while getting help and slowly be reintroduced back into their family once they display healthy behavior. It is best to keep the family together. However, this should only happen once their are positive signs of healing and behaviors. Kids still love both of their parents and don't want to love neither one.
On another note---what would you say to a person who is abused and none of the agencies will help her? They tell her not to call and will not give a reason why. Some of the shelter people work in the police department and they also refuse to help as well as the Luitenant who is in charge of the Domestic Violence unit. All authorities in the police station were notified and they are all sticking together. When an attempt to make a complaint was filed, 5 police officers surrounded her and told her to leave the premises or she will be arrested. Are the newspapers next? The police refuse to help, refuse to give a reason why and will not allow a complaint to be filed against them.This is the honest truth and this IS a domestic violence situation. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 10/10/2009 7:26:56 PM | Abusers, that is, anyone who exercises the option of being abusive toward people close to them in a chronic and consistent fashion, are usually steeped in abusive environments so they don't recognize the severity of their behaviour. Add to that that you get victims who stay with them after having their necks fractured umpteen times and still stick around and the abuser really doesn't see the alarming nature of their behaviour...after all, if it was so bad, she wouldn't come back right? The enabler is just as sick as their abuser is. Neither is "okay in the head." Condoning something as horrible as overt abuse(and the excuse of "I had no self-esteem" doesn't wash as an excuse for not using your brain) actually provides OPPORTUNITY for it to continue.
I have seen both abusers, males and female. Females abuse in a much more covert way whereas males tend to abuse overtly. Women manipulate and twist things, men hit or violate. Intelligent abusers can really cover their tracks so that nearly no one will know the truth.
Abusers are so desensitized to their inner violence that they don't see the incredible damage they do to themselves and others. It isn't until they find themselves in an alien environment which doesn't accept their kind of behaviour that they actually are forced to see their issues. Rarely do abusers EVER allow themselves to be dragged into such environments..they know they will be discovered. In order to avoid their ultimate exposure, they avoid counselling, in fact they'll denigrate it and find very logical arguments to downgrade any outside sources of support to the victim. The victim believes them and acts as an accomplice to the abuser in their own demise.
One thing I find particularly troubling is the underestimation of women's capacity to abuse men. Sadly, many of their mechanisms go unnoticed and the men suffer silently for shame that they were not "strong enough" to handle her manipulations. You want to talk about sexual abuse? I've seen women use sex as a means of controlling men. I have seen men literally tortured by very diabolical females who are nothing short of predatory in how they emotionally blackmail their victim. I've seen horrible mothers deny a good man his children when the issue was never his. All she needs to do is cry some form of abuse, real of fictitious, and people will question him and absolve her. It's infuriating to watch her at some shelter absolving herself of having thrown that chair at him because "he was going at me again" or many such excuses for acting AS brutally as a male abuser would.
I've seen women use crying as a way to manipulate men into not confronting them about their own abusive tendencies. I've seen women clean out guy's bank accounts, leave him coming home from work with no furniture left (keep in mind the guy has worked many years and contributed to the home and relationship) and all she has to do is cry some lame story that he neglected her or abused her in some way and society coddles her. Meanwhile her male counterpart hurts in silence if he's not fortunate enough to have good friends and family he can rely on to get him through (usually she has isolated him from them too)...BUT, if a man is an adult, it is time for him to put his "big boy" pants on and get the hell out of such relationships. Staying and then using that sob story to get you into and out of every future relationship is inexcusably weak minded of him IMO.
I have many sweet female friends but I have had the displeasure of being raised by one such woman and I can't believe the shit she got away with. Even to this day, no one has held her accountable for the damage she did to our lives, to my father (God rest his soul) and to my siblings. I however, have no intention of enabling it further.
As far as men who abuse physically...there is absolutely NO f*cking excuse for a woman to stay, EVER! I hold them equally to blame for their chronic circumstance. It's one thing to run into an abuser and endure that trauma, but to stay there and then use it as a reason not to get past your situation is as inexcusable for her as it is for a man who has been abused by a woman.
You get one chance to hit me. You get one chance to wilfully harm me. I don't stick around for more. I'm a grown woman. And my God have mercy on your soul if you try it. | |
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| Why are there so many abusive people, and is there hope for them?
Posted: 10/10/2009 8:28:58 PM | Miss Contemplative- I notice you said "the woman that raised me" as if you have a problem referring to her as your mother or mom - I too get a sick feeling when I say the word mother or mom.
- I grew up with a violent and abusive mother, I was the last of 5 kids - all of them having anger and control issues, paranoid schizophrenia and one died of a head injury at 10 years old before I came along. I was the one who became the doormat - to go along to get along. Walking on eggshells my entire childhood. I have extensive cervical spine problems later in life likely from her yanking my then waist length hair whenever she felt like it, throwing me across a room, hitting me with whatever was handy - the things she said to me go through my mind like it was yesterday. The yelling, screaming, verbal & mental abuse can never be erased from my mind with any amount of counseling. Her biggest fear, was being exposed or "locked up". She did everything she could to keep me isolated, make me feel that was a terrible person and deserved to be treated that way, and she saw herself as a victim of circumstance was very clear to us how much of a burden it was for her to be a single mother. I went to college and rarely went back. One time she did attack me and I still have the scar on my hand where she bit me from 25 years ago. I didn't respect my father for being such a coward and leaving us with her when he knew how she was. They're both passed away - they had me pretty late in life.
When we talk about our mothers very frankly, people think we are being disrespectful, a bad daughter, maybe even possibly making it up for attention because they are in disbelief. They want us to just "get over it". I manage to find happiness throughout my life and think I've turned out very well - no divorces, no pregnancies, no rehab or prison, and I believe I'm a kind person that friends would say is fun to be around. To be honest I am terrified of ever getting into a situation again where I can give anyone that much control over my life. My mother made me never want to have children with a man and end up in the same situation as her. I had been a doormat in many relationships since then always been afraid to set boundaries - that would mean making someone mad and then they could hurt me. I couldn't understand why a man would want to leave me when I was giving, caring, kind, loving and never got angry, lost control, raised her voice, trying to be that perfect little girl but they would stay with women who were demanding, controlling, etc. I wanted to be loved and have a man's attention so bad.
I majored in Psych at college and have done a lot of reading and growing since then. Now I listen, watch, and wait when getting to know someone. I'm no longer afraid to communicate my needs without fear of confrontation, and at the first sign of anger, manipulation or coersion, belittling me - I nip it in the bud and they are gone. I no longer get romantically involved with someone before I have seen and observed their personality thoroughly. and just like I am not afraid to expose my mother for what she truly was, I know an abuser's biggest fear is the humiliation of exposure. They hate accountability to others - one of the strangest, funniest things is where they amazingly are able turn it around completely and try to appear like a victim when that happens. My mother was good at that. She no longer has any power over me, but I have lived much of my life in fear of confrontation and am just now at 46 know that I have a right to be treated with dignity and respect. I don't care if some people think I'm a bad daughter - they have no idea what it was like. Mothers are supposed to protect us and nuture us. I pray for all abused children because I know first hand they have a long hard road ahead of them. Blessed are the meek.
I think abusers are the worst criminals roaming the earth and there is a special place in hell for them.  | |
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