| Is this normal?
Posted: 5/22/2008 6:43:20 PM | These are signs that one day he is going to be physically abusive instead of just being controlling and abusive in other ways of which he already is.
I do not allow anyone to hover over me. That would be the day that I was not allowed to go and do something. I had a father and do not need a boyfriend to act like my father. Permission to go and do something? Having to approve of my friends? Sheesh, what is next...picking out my shoes and outfits?
It is not normal, he is one step away from being either abusive or your daddy.
~Carrie | |
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| Is this normal?
Posted: 5/22/2008 7:07:42 PM | | I just realized when you joined pof. I also realized you said that you can't leave unless the place is spotless etc. etc. You probably should contact women in need or other organization that helps women, if this guy hasn't read about you being on pof yet, when he does and reads this thread...yeah, be afraid! | |
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| Is this normal?
Posted: 5/22/2008 10:00:06 PM | No it is not normal
I have lived with a controller. If too possesive, this could escalate to other forms of abuse wether verbal or could role into physical abuse. Especially if fueled by alcohol or drugs.
Feelings of trust cannot be rushed!! I see trust as built up over time thru actions. Trust is something that needs to be recieved on both sides of the relationship.
If his actions teach you fear, mistrust ,anxiety ,paranoia , then you should leave. Protect yourself.
There are somethings you simply cannot change or fix. | |
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| Is this normal?
Posted: 5/22/2008 10:00:08 PM | Thank God he is your ex!!!!
If you put up with those conditions, you are "missing" a lot. | |
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| Is this normal?
Posted: 5/22/2008 10:15:17 PM | We've had quite a few comments agreeing the behaviour is not normal, the OP has asked what she can do to avoid attracting such people into her life again. Let's have some more suggestions on that.
My penny's worth:
Read up books on personal development.
Video tape your body language and how you interact in a role play situation. Watch and compare this to movies where you see assertive powerful/confident women.
Watch footage of women in public roles, how they speak etc. Role play, imagine yourself acting similar. Use a good strong voice, don't give any suggestion of being "easy" or subservient in any way at all. Be the role model you would want your future children to emulate.
A good guideline in the treament you allow yourself to cop from others, is would you, do such behaviour to them? No? Well then it is in no way acceptable for you to receive garbage in return. If you show fear and timidity to a dog it will bite you because it thinks it can, if you show an affirmative stance, it will not try it on. Even decent men can be turned into monsters if you, don't keep them firmly in hand, which would then be partly your fault for enabling and allowing poor behaviour to become acceptable. This is how marriages and relationships deteriorate as the female or the male accepts increasingly appalling behaviour, because the offender has not been pulled up. Nip problems in the bud, always and stay on top of the game, not under it.
Develop a strong firm well modulated tone of voice, practice scripts if need be and role play alone setting this guy in his place. Don't be afraid to raise your voice and get angry, it should not be necessary between two adults, however be willing to do so if necessary. I say this point so that you rewrite your personal script from subservient to assertive, it is a process that can be quite powerful and it will stick in your personal makeup for keeps. Replay alone at home each incident where he has transgressed your boundaries and defeat him in your re-write every time.
Remember you have just as much self worth and value as anyone else, don't accept anyone trying to convince you otherwise. See it as a loud clanging alarm bell from here on and react to such suggestions forcefully and instantly, always.
Men are fully capable no matter how stupid, of doing their 50% share of housework. Damn, enforce it like a nail and hammer not with wishy washy - "as you wish Master "compliance from his servant and slave. You are not a slave and nobody owns you. Don't sell your self esteem or your soul ever again, it will never ever buy the "love" and respect you deserve. | |
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| Is this normal?
Posted: 5/22/2008 10:59:20 PM | Yes agree with quicksilver 217
if not easy to do what he suggestes with friends or family.
Men that are controller seak someone sumbussive , passive , someone that lacks self esteem and seams weak.
It is good to learn to better love and care for yourself.
I went into therapy for about 8 months. It was wonderful to speak to unbiased person.
He helped to show me how I enabled the person in my life to be in control.
Also perhaps. Trying things to bolster your self esteem. A Karate class or self defense, might help with not only that but ways to defend yourself in a positive way.
Surround yourself with good and postitive friends and family
Some one that has no self esteem and is alone or lonly is easier to pick up, a target
than someone that is supported by a group. | |
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| Is this normal?
Posted: 5/24/2008 6:19:59 PM | Thank you quick silver and blueyed!
Im getting into kickboxing as we speak and will be starting up in a few weeks time here!
Never thought of that! | |
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Posted: 5/24/2008 7:45:20 PM | | how could he tell you not to have a job? i don't understand what you mean by you were *NOT ALLOWED* to. you're a grown woman, aren't you? then why would you listen to him? sounds like he was a major control freak, wow!! | |
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Posted: 5/24/2008 7:53:30 PM | | Because, he would beat me bloody if I talked back | |
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Posted: 5/24/2008 8:02:02 PM | | wow, that is sad. you are lucky you got away from him. don't have anymore contact with him, if he contacts you, ignore him or call the police!! | |
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Posted: 5/24/2008 10:23:53 PM | BF: Knock Knock
GF: Who's there?
BF: Control freak, OK NOW YOU SAY CONTROL FREAK WHO? | |
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Posted: 5/24/2008 10:30:43 PM | was there really a question here somewhere?
of course its not
a. normal
b.healthy
and/or
c. what you're worthy of
I'm a big fan of the saying "what you permit , you promote"
in this case, it's completely applicable. | |
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| Is this normal?
Posted: 5/24/2008 10:57:37 PM | | You have to ask? You picked this relationship to be in, if you don't like how you are treated why are you in it? If you do like it, then why complain about it? | |
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| Is this normal?
Posted: 5/25/2008 10:48:01 AM | | get out while you can. I have been there before, have a couple of friends that are going through it as well and trying to do what I can to help them out but in the end it has to be you that makes the leave. He is obsessive over you, and a controler and that can be dangerous. If you want to be happy start with a clean slate, yes you will miss him but that will fade in time and you will be a happier person cause you will be free to soar. | |
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| Is this normal?
Posted: 5/25/2008 10:56:11 AM | | I think you know the answer to this one. If you don't, just look up the meaning of trust in the dictionary and you'll probably find there are some slight contradictions. It doesn't take a genious to figure out that people sometimes lie about their character, sometimes without even realising because allot of people don't even know who they are in the first place. | |
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Posted: 5/25/2008 12:13:41 PM | | oh yes; this is so normal. LOL; wake up; this guy is insecure, domineering and the stalker type. Tell him to get lost. | |
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Posted: 5/25/2008 1:43:26 PM | It appears that plenty of people have already weighed in on this, but I will throw my comments into the mix anyway.
I volunteer a lot at a domestic violence and rape crisis center and based on my firsthand experience and the nearly 60 hours of training I received, I can tell you that your ex is a textbook case of an abuser. Lowlifes like him take advantage of your feelings of love and trust to turn you into someone totally dependent on your abuser. Not allowing you to have friends or a job is a way of isolating you so you would have only him; then eventually he would be able to convince you that no one but him cares about you, rendering you too scared and alone to escape from him. Abuse doesn't have to mean just physical abuse, but cases like this one typically do escalate to a physical level. You did the right thing when you made him your ex. Always be on the lookout for behavior like this, and remember that it is NOT normal, nor is it a way of showing love. In a normal, loving relationship both parties are (at least approximately) equal partners, and neither has the right to force the other to do things with which he or she is not comfortable. | |
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Posted: 5/25/2008 2:07:43 PM | 2) all my emails, test messages etc were opened before i got into them, even though i was changin my passwords constantly
I have two words for you, KEY LOGGER
He was probably logging your keystrokes with a hidden program to find out your new password as you were changing it. | |
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| Is this normal?
Posted: 5/26/2008 7:28:24 PM | hey zombie qeek
I think kick boxing would be incredibly fun.. it is one of the things I considered myself.
well ,one time and the other is the money for a class.
I like the exercise, helps to blow of steam (we all have things pent up and need to release the stress of life), you meet people in a positive enviroment.
I hope you find a good instructor and class to be a part of
I so understand your situation..I was married nearly 9 years. ONE My ex wanted me to quit my job (at one point made more money than he did, and had more invested in more in my 401k,controllers hate not being in control and on top) TWO ..he wanted another child. I was the dumb and guilble one.
I have two boys. If quit my job and had another child, well it would have been even harder to leave and to find a way to support myself.
Ladies .. well and Men too, Look at the Turning point wheel .. it only takes one point on the Wheel to be considered abuse
Nothing like living in a war zone everyday you wake up. And to return to it in the evening when coming home from work. Felt like no escape.
I am glad I was not living behind a locked fence with armed guards.
Keys to control Isolation. from family and friends
Financial . He/she controls every penny
Emotional. just not good enough for anyone else
Physcial (please dont raise a fist when angry)
Substance alcohol ,drugs
Keys to
a Marriage or a Partnership.... Love is essential
Sex (please use imagination)
Affection
Admiration
Trust
Honesty
Need some personal space
Compromise -is a huge part of it
Common goals and interest
Care for each others health and well being
Shared responsibilty as in house chores
it takes TWO .. or you might as well be married to yourself..
I can look back at the lists now and see the difference between a Healthy relationship and a Destructive one. | |
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| Is this normal?
Posted: 5/26/2008 7:51:05 PM | | run run run most definitely run | |
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Posted: 5/26/2008 7:56:51 PM | | Get. Out. Now. You know this is not normal. | |
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| Is this normal?
Posted: 5/26/2008 8:00:15 PM | | Nope,he has a problem. (trust me on this,I married a stalker once). It gets much worse,and you do not want to be there. PS: If you slept with someone else while with him,forget anything I just said. (But you still might need to leave) | |
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| Is this normal?
Posted: 5/26/2008 8:03:39 PM | Your ex is pathologically jealous, usually this sort of thing comes from a deep sense of paranoia and guilt on his part too. Was it normal for you to stay as long as you did? | |
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| Is this normal?
Posted: 5/26/2008 8:09:19 PM | | This guy is a whack job...Let him go...Glad he's your ex...Hopefully you wont let yourself be dominated by another psycho...Good luck | |
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