| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/20/2008 4:02:20 AM | The only thing this man did wrong was not be what she wanted him to be. He told her that he was not emotionally available. Anyone that has gone through a break-up knows that for a certain period, even if your brain wants to get on with it, your heart is not there. She could have told him to call her when he was, she could have refrained from becoming intimate with him, but she chose to soldier on likely because she believed once things were going, his emotions would fall in line.
Because he defined his inability to be involved, he had no obligation beyond what he was willing to offer. The OP is likely justifying her end of it, wanting more than he told her he COULD give, because he "acted" like he was in a relationship, i.e. dinner, movies, not just wham bam thank you ma'am.
But, yes there is always one of those, she did not again, pay attention to what he said. He just got out of a relationship so in some ways, even if he does not want all the trappings of a relationship, it is habit to behave this way. She has not been bamboozled and he did not sucker her into bed. He never once told her he was willing or able to do or give more than he initially indicated so while the OP feels badly and understandably so, if she doesn't take responsibility for her decisions she will not be able to choose someone that is available to have a full relationship. | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/20/2008 4:57:18 AM | | For god's sake get some self worth girl,and dump him once and for all.If he doesn't feel like another relationship at the moment ,then he shouldn't be sleeping with you,and anyone who only sees to their own needs in bed,isn't worth any kind of bother.Get rid of him,you deserve better. | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/20/2008 5:39:56 AM | OP He was honest with you from the start in stating he didnt want a relationship. To anyone else that would mean a FWB. The only problem that I see with him is the fact that he didnt seem concerned with satisfying you sexually. That's pure selfishness on his part. If all he cared about was his getting off ,he needs to just depend on Mary and her sisters. Even someone that doesnt want a relationship wants the sex to be satisfying and fulfilling for both involved.
Please dont be hurt over this. The only thing you may have done wrong is expect more than he was willing to give. If someone tells you they are not looking for a relationship take them at their word. If you want more than look to someone to fulfill your needs.........
Good Luck | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/20/2008 5:56:41 AM | Glitter
Perhaps you figured you could 'nurture' him
in his times since his breakup?
Perfectly normal goal you felt was worth reaching.
Maybe he will turn a corner later on, only you can
weigh if the effort you made was worth it.
What you 'see'in him has often mystified our species,
[ME included] yet love can often be just that...'mystifying'! | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/20/2008 10:26:36 AM | Ok, thanks. *sigh*
I guess I am really that stupid. I wish I could delete this thread. Thanks for being honest.
I've said this before but I think it's insightful if you really stop and think about the deeper meaning:
"Never make someone a priority when they only make you an option".
The second the dood yelled at you, hanging up the phone & never calling back or taking his call would be appropriate.
Yelling = abuse...period.
This guy has been up front with you about what he doesn't want, which is a relationship. Keep your head high, and keep searching for the one who wants to spend time with you. You'll be amazed at how much better that will be :-) | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/20/2008 4:26:50 PM | are you delusional? It's not like he bamboozled her into that arrangement, he was pretty open that he only wants a bit of companionship and sex while he gets over his breakup.
I'd say she's the one being foolish here.
I am as delusional as you are supportive. Come on, man. She ALREADY feels foolish. It's not like she's some kind of social leper. She fell for the wrong guy. That's all. Hence :
Shake your head a couple of times to get the whole thing out of your system, go out, be beautiful, and have fun. The right guy(s) will be camping out on your front porch in no time. (By the way, avoid dating guys who literally do that. That's not right) | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/20/2008 4:47:12 PM | | did u read your own posting....?....u said He's the only one that gets off... you do things that only HE wants...HE doesn't want a girlfriend... HE's not emotionally available....???? why are you wasting your time ???... first of all.. he;s been honest about not wanting a girlfriend so you have no right to be mad if he won't let you into his home....it's obvious he's messed up... he's told you that.... if you want to be his booty call... then don't complain when you're treated badly... you're LETTING him use you.... WHY... you're not even getting good sex out of the deal... let alone the emotional feeling you seem to want.... Girl.. you know you deserve better than that... There are plenty of men out there that will treat you better even if you only want a booty call ....your needs should be taken in to account.. Do Not sell youself short... find someone that deserves you... Drop Him | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/20/2008 4:55:32 PM | "people treat you the way you allow them to treat you."
This guy is treating you badly BECAUSE YOU ALLOW IT.
WHY? do you allow it?
I feel that people in my life are priviledged to be in my life. If they don't see it as enough of a priviledge to treat me with 1)truth 2)kindness 3) consideration and 4) respect WHAT DO I NEED THEM IN MY LIFE FOR? BOTTOM LINE.
DUMP HIM if you haven't already. | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/20/2008 6:37:20 PM | | Well he may not exactly be a sweetheart but in all fairness he did tell you clearly not to expect anything serious from him. All you are is some booty. All the stuff you want like seeing a movie that you'd like, spending time with him...makes it sound like you're trying to be his girlfriend and he obviously doesn't want that. That's why he's gettin all bent outta shape cause you're acting as if you want the one thing he said he doesn't. | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/20/2008 7:24:39 PM | Sorry OP that you were treated so shabbily, but he did tell you he didn't want a relationship up front. You attempted to change his mind and the more you tried the worse it got he only tolerated you and not well at that.
I don't think you even had a FWB he treated you selfishly in the bedroom so you can take out the "friend" in the FWB scenario even if you HAD that type of relationship, which you didn't. He's emotionally detached, self-centered, cold and rude and showed you absolutely zero respect. Why would you want to be with someone like him? I know someone exactly like this person and it's not a pretty sight. | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/20/2008 7:55:26 PM | RECORD WHAT U HAVE POSTED AND HEAR URSELF TALK, BASSICALLY U KNOW THE ANSWER. U NEED SOMEONE THE WILL TREAT U WITH LOVE AND RESPECT. GIVE URSELF THAT CHANCE AND APPORTUNITY. | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/21/2008 3:37:11 PM |
When we have sex, he's always the one to get off and I never am. He seldom tries to get me off.
since I'm not his girlfriend...
Then why are you fuking him? Sheesh ..... keep you little legs together | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/25/2008 10:10:33 AM |
I feel like he was rare, in a good way, that maybe I'll never find a guy like him again. Please help.
I hope you don't find a guy like him again. You can find a much better guy who knows what he wants and is willing to be upfront with you and make a commitment to you. I think it' better if you don't communicate with him again. Yelling at you like that was not right. He also does not care about your sexual needs.
You can definitely do better.
Good luck | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/25/2008 10:43:57 AM | You were a little pushy on the getting together stuff. Especially since you are not a girlfriend of his. He told you in the beginning he was not emotionally stable enough to have a girlfriend. At that point, if you were giving "it" up without a committment, you were just a booty call girl for him. Maybe you may have gone out on dates at times, but it still came back to having sex.
When you were texting and calling, you pressured him about something you deep down knew would never happen. How could it? He told you no girlfriend status, but let me get off and maybe you might, too. So, if you step back a bit, read your message and others' messages, you'll see the truth. You just need to open your eyes when you read them and definitely don't read them when you're depressed.
You allowed yourself to become his booty call. I wouldn't even call it friends with benefits because you did not listen to him when he laid down the ground rules. Idiot? I don't think so. Naive, very probably. Out of his life, no doubt. Forget it, chalk it up as a learning experience, and don't start handing out the coochie until you get a committment. I mean, that's what it sounds like you want; a committment. It won't work because you started out on the wrong foot and you pushed him into a corner and he became defensive. Go on down the road and find someone who wants you and treats you well. When you do, don't immediately give it up because you'll probably lose that one, too. | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/25/2008 11:04:28 AM | Quite honestly, whether the guy is looking for an emotional connection or not doesn't excuse the fact that he's a complete and utter tool.
Even FWB's (friends with benefits) who aren't looking for deep emotional attachments will still have enough common consideration for each other sexually. This mouth-breather is such a complete selfish a*sshole that even putting in a LITTLE effort - over and above popping his own nut - is just too much work for him.
I wouldn't let a creep like this walk my DOG, much less lay a finger on me. You really need to aim higher, and considering the sizeable lack of human qualities in this loser, you won't have to reach too high to do it. | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/25/2008 11:19:17 AM | OP, why did you agree to participate in something that was not what you were looking for? You are very brave to admit your participation in this "relationship, " because the forums can be brutal. But now is the time to move on, it sounds like you have very low self esteem and don't think that you deserve any better, but the truth is no one deserves to be treated this way.
Listen, I know a little something about having low self esteem and it is not easy to fix, but if you don't start now you will find yourself agreeing to all sorts of things that you really don't want in your life. Now is the time to stand up for yourself and find something better for your own good put this behind you. | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/25/2008 11:29:15 AM | The guy is using you plain and simple and you are allowing it to happen. He is also extremely selfish and only think of himself. You are nothing to him. If you were, he would listen to you, talk to you and for goodness sake me would make sure that you were "taken care" of, when you took care of him. It's about pleasing your partner, not yourself, and he only thinks of himself.
RUN | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/25/2008 11:31:57 AM | Dear OP
Ok, what exactly are you gtting out of this "relationship"? How's it working for you? He is being cold, cruel and disrespectful to you on so many levels - this is not love and it certainly is not a healthy relationship. Please forget about him and move on to someone who will treat you better - find someone who truly loves you! He is broken and it's not your job or responsibility to fix him - MOVE ON! Being around him is not helping you or your self-esteem.
Maybe you'll "never find a guy like him again" - judging by the way you describe him, we would all hope that statement is true because you deserve so much better!
Still not convinced, ok, read over your original post as if it was written by a friend instead - what advice would you give her? Surely you wouldn't suggest she stay with him???
Take care and best of luck! | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/25/2008 11:41:43 AM | | Question: "What made you think this guy was rare in a good way?" First of all I wouldn't take things personally. I know all your friends are telling you that but...this is what I would do harsh as it may seem: Flush the toilet. I was in a similar relationship a few years back and if you continue with this man you will see the erosion of your self esteem. He obviously is having intimacy issues and the two of you are on two different frequencies. You want and deserve more than this man can give you now and if this is the beginning...things won't change. Make a list of all the things you want in a man and see how he holds up. My bet is that he falls short! Who is your most dynamic friend...would she settle for this crap? Oh, and youre not an idiot...just someone who cant take herself out of the situation to see clearly what's happening here. Do not speak to this man again...his loss! | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/25/2008 12:26:57 PM | I doubt I can add anything more that hasn't already been said. I agree with imagining a dear friend in this situation and what advice you might have for her. I'm in a situation myself that has me doubting and questioning and those are never good states to be in. If the situation is good, you should never experience such doubts. But I am aware of it and am in the process  of rectifying it 
It is not easy when you"think" you feel a certain way about someone, but taking a step back and gaining some perspective can do wonders. In a matter of weeks (hopefully not more) you will wonder how you ever got yourself involved in this and resolve to make better choices in the future (hopefully--we'll root for you).
In the meantime, please, do yourself a favour and work on improving your self-esteem. Find your "person"--y'know, the one who you can tell anything to; can be professional or personal, but be sure she has enough objectivity to help. As hoakey as they seem, self-help books can be great resources. Sometimes, reading or listening to words meant to boost our feelings of self-worth can have a huge impact!
Best of luck! | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 5/25/2008 3:41:22 PM | Thanks for the responses. I'm not reading them all, because some clearly put me to blame. And while I realize fully that I made a mistake, I just don't feel like dealing with people reiterating that fact.
I am no longer speaking to him, and never will. The phone call I mentioned was the last straw. As for why I thought he was "rare in a good way," now I'm wondering why I thought that. He was honest, or so I thought. I want to make another thing clear -- He led me to believe that a relationship was possible and not out of the question.
Now hopefully this topic will die... | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 6/20/2008 6:34:21 PM |
I feel like I'm on the back burner.
Been there, got the tshirt.
Move on - he's not worth the energy used to power that burner. | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 6/20/2008 7:07:57 PM | Hi Bath of Glitter
Not much to add after reading all the other posts. But I will say "you're better than that". I would tell the man you aren't interested anymore and move on. Good luck to you. | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 6/20/2008 7:36:49 PM |
am no longer speaking to him, and never will. The phone call I mentioned was the last straw. As for why I thought he was "rare in a good way," now I'm wondering why I thought that. He was honest, or so I thought. I want to make another thing clear -- He led me to believe that a relationship was possible and not out of the question.
I'm glad you are no longer speaking to him, and hope you never will again.
He led you to believe that a relationship was possible, so he could get what he wanted. Don't feel like an idiot, everyone falls for the wrong one at some time in their life. And of course later you think, OMG what was I thinking, what the hell was wrong with me. Sorry you had to go through it, just learn from it. Don't ever let a guy get his, and not think about you, that's enough of a warning all by itself.
And as someone said, if you post in the forums, you've got to have tough skin.
But now that this is over, get out there and find someone that will treat you the way you want, and deserve. Good luck!!!! | |
|
| am I making a mistake?
Posted: 6/20/2008 7:37:51 PM | I haven't read the other replies, so if I'm repeating, forgive me.
Unfortunately, he is not rare. He is a man just looking to get off and someone to mess with while he figures out or finds what he really wants. This is called "HEAD GAMES". You know, what every other person here and on every other dating site claims they don't want.
I don't know you, but I do know that you are better than this and he doesn't deserve your time, or body for that matter. Give him a taste of his own medicine and be "busy" the next time he wants to do something. In fact, be busy for the rest of your life and dump his ass. Life is too short! | |
|
Home
login 
