| During the 'down' times....
Posted: 5/20/2008 9:06:03 PM | So after reading a lot of posts it seems there is a gerneal consensus about what to do after a breakup (regardless of the cause)...
It's recommended to make no contact, to re-unite with family and friends, to pursue new hobbies and keep ourselves busy. That's all fine but there comes a times everyday when we are alone. Truly alone. That person who used to occupy our living space, our time, our mind... is gone. There is no one there but yourself.
It's during these times when the heartache becomes almost unbearable for me. I think of what went wrong. I think of what I would do differently....
I don't want to do those things though... I want to be able to handle the 'down' time.
Help? | |
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| During the 'down' times....
Posted: 5/20/2008 9:15:06 PM | | Get out of the house and do something different. Don't allow yourself the time to ruminate - keep yourself occupied with something else. Volunteer, take up painting, join a cross-stitching circle - anything to keep yourself from wallowing in it. | |
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| During the 'down' times....
Posted: 5/20/2008 9:22:15 PM | get yourself an Xbox 360, a copy of GTA4, a six pack of bud, and 20 smokes.
Invite a buddy round, and cause carnage.
It seems to be working for me! ;) good luck man | |
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| During the 'down' times....
Posted: 5/20/2008 9:35:05 PM | I find that the best thing that you can do is to build up your self confidence. It is the confidence that takes the hardest hit when someone leaves you.......for whatever reason. What helps me is to go to the gym on a regular basis and start that much needed workout regime. Go at least three times a week and at times when you can meet other people too. Link up with a friend who is willing to listen to you at any time during the day or night. They are out there, believe me. Warn them in advance that you might phone at midnight or 3 a.m. Wear yourself out basically, during the day. So that at night you are so dog tired you actually can sleep. And keep reminding yourself that "This, too, will pass." The gym is actually very good since you get those natural highs that help you tremendously. The good friend is extra special since they can listen to you rant and rave over and over and over again about the same thing every time....until one day.......your conversations take a different turn.
You know, you CAN read those self help books, watch Dr. Phil, etc, etc, etc, but really......only you can pull yourself through. So set up your network and plan it well. Then drag yourself out and do it. You also have to keep reminding yourself that breaking up isn't all your fault and that most of the time you wouldn't have been able to save it anyhow. And each relationship is a work in progress until the real thing comes along and then your REALLY have to work to make things go well. Use this experience as a learning one and you can only benifit from it. Do not treat it as if you have just lost the only thing that was good in your life. If you feel that way, then it was wrong in any case. A relationship should compliment your life, not be your life.
Ok..time to hand the soap box over to someone else. | |
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| During the 'down' times....
Posted: 5/20/2008 9:37:38 PM | Hi op....
I personally believe once we love its forever within us.... .. but forever ...doesent mean they will be right there next to us... forever... including death.....
love can be seperated..... but still lives within... can cause pain... desire/yearning/loss/grief.....
I find to accept that..... then learn to place it in a special part of the self... where its not so raw...
a few ways to do that... is
1.accept it is now part of you...
2.imagine putting it in a giftbox and place it gently in another part of you...
3.. wish the other person well in their future and wish them love ...even though its not with you ....(that detachment can be hard.. but it is real love...to truly want someones happiness even if its not with you).
4.. instead of.... in those alone times.... when your whole being aches..... change your thoughts.... (eg... imagine yourself smiling..... happy..imagine meeting the right person for you.. what would that feel like?.... imagine your heart healing/ filled with a shining light....)
if thoughts come up on things you need to improve/grow/change with to reach a romantic/partnership love..... then work on that within you...
and trust... you will love again..... the more to come.... in your future.... get to know yourself..... so you know what you want..... then you will see it.... when it comes along....
death can teach us.. that nothing is permanent in its current state.....so enjoying/gratitude for the moments we share..have etc... can be appreciated... rather than seen as a loss......
when your thoughts turn to the loss....... choose to be aware and change them instead of wallowing.....
to hope/faith towards your future... and the endless possibilities...
sometimes we interact with people to learn.....
smiles/peace
edit to below...well i fixed that mate.... aho...i messaged you.. so i hope it means you can return message... | |
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| During the 'down' times....
Posted: 5/20/2008 9:40:44 PM | ^^^^^^ Awsome post 
Soulmate... can't message you because of your age restrictions!! | |
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| During the 'down' times....
Posted: 5/20/2008 10:05:18 PM | I wish I knew. You can keep yourself busy all you want. You can leave your house, do everything in the world, and then come back home. But when you lay down and turn off the lights, then (if you're like me) your mind will just wander.
That's when the downtime is the worst.
Usually, my mind ends up going back and tracing every possible what-if outcome. Only when I've ruminated over everything that could have been, can I get on with my life. Your subconscious will tell you when it's over, though I still firmly believe that the only cure is another relationship -- a chance to not repeat the same mistakes, and prove to yourself that you've learned. | |
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| During the 'down' times....
Posted: 5/21/2008 4:15:33 AM | Spongebob...cute name by the way....
I guess when you have done all that you can do and gone to everywhere that you are able to go to to keep yourself busy and occupied....there comes times that you simply have to feel the loss....and the pain .....its healthy by the way and will lead you to healing....so dont fight it too much...just know that there is light at the end of the tunnel and you wont feel like this forever...
Take one day at a time and remember....that .....every day that goes past is one day closer to your ultimate healing of losing her.... | |
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| During the 'down' times....
Posted: 5/21/2008 6:14:56 AM | I have a related question - How long should you wait before dating again after a heartbreak?
We have to be so careful when our emotions are vunerable after a break up but at the same time we need the ego boost of someone new being interested in us.
Just wondering how long that rebound time lasts for most posters . | |
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| During the 'down' times....
Posted: 5/21/2008 7:32:56 AM |
I have a related question - How long should you wait before dating again after a heartbreak?
We have to be so careful when our emotions are vunerable after a break up but at the same time we need the ego boost of someone new being interested in us.
Just wondering how long that rebound time lasts for most posters .
I think that just depends on the person. Once you are completely over your last relationship and have learned what you can from it, its probably safe to start dating again. | |
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| During the 'down' times....
Posted: 5/21/2008 7:50:44 AM |
I guess when you have done all that you can do and gone to everywhere that you are able to go to to keep yourself busy and occupied....there comes times that you simply have to feel the loss....and the pain .....its healthy by the way and will lead you to healing....so dont fight it too much...just know that there is light at the end of the tunnel and you wont feel like this forever...
I agree with this poster, you can keep yourself busy with distractions or you can actually let yourself feel the feelings that are going on inside of you and embrace them in order to let them go. When I felt the way you feel, I struggled so hard to run from the feelings and it did me no good, because somehow they seemed to catch up with me. Now, when they come up, I acknowledge them and they seem to disapate a lot faster.
I guess no one can tell you what works for yourself, experiment with the advice that is being given, if it works, then use it, if not, try something else.
My freshstart wrote:
How long should you wait before dating again after a heartbreak?
I was thinking about this in the shower this morning, yesterday was the first day I actually went all day without any longing for the person I was involved with. It was a short lived romance and mostly cyber, but everyday there was at least 2-3 hours of interaction via msn or email. This morning I figured out that it is about 1 week for every month I've been with someone. This held true for the most recent person and when I looked back, it was true for the other two men in my life that I am no longer with.
As for dating, if the opportunity comes up, I will take it. I try to be honest with my dates and tell them if I am still grieving, if they still choose to spend time with me, then I know I am involved with someone that has some depth, can realise that the grieving is natural and will pass and as long as I don't *lean* on them for support and I am not overly dramatic about it. | |
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| During the 'down' times....
Posted: 5/21/2008 8:51:42 AM | | The heartache is caused by the thoughts of what could be, which begin with memories, which come to mind by something you see or hear. You can count on it happening, and you can decide what to do when the memories come to mind, that is, instead of having the thoughts that bring you down. Decide what else to do when you start feeling sad. Then do it instead. If it happens at a certain time of day, or when you do something in particular, like clip your toenails, then add an uplifting reminder to that time or event so you have another option than the sad regrets. Have something to look ahead to and you won't be stuck looking back, or looking around seeing she is gone. Look ahead, and put something in view that reminds you of what good is yet to come, and maybe what good you have now, like, buy a motorcycle. Park it by your window. | |
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| During the 'down' times....
Posted: 5/21/2008 9:04:06 AM | soulmate08
They grow 'em really smart in New South Wales. That was a beautiful answer. | |
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| During the 'down' times....
Posted: 5/21/2008 9:59:58 AM | I hear ya; I was in a relationship 6 years and it hurt bad; Everything reminded me of them and I just wanted them done.
The key for me was to self improve. I became very much into my job and hobbies and I met lots of new people. There will be sad times; this is normal; but whats great is that if you continue to improve yourself, you realize its not all your fault and that you are a good person.
I personally have never lived with anyone and never would. I didnt and the breakup was easier for me.
Again, you are free to do what you want now; think up of some things you'd like to do; take college classes, do a new hobby, improve your job by taking classes, etc... whatever works for you. Hang in there, it will get better if you take control of the situation. | |
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| During the 'down' times....
Posted: 5/21/2008 2:05:22 PM |
get yourself an Xbox 360, a copy of GTA4, a six pack of bud, and 20 smokes.
Invite a buddy round, and cause carnage.
It seems to be working for me! ;) good luck man
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| During the 'down' times....
Posted: 5/21/2008 2:13:02 PM | Count your blessings ... it always works for me when i am feeling low .. all the good things that you have in your life ..
Bel | |
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| During the 'down' times....
Posted: 5/21/2008 2:43:30 PM | it sucks! i am currently living alone for the first time in over 9 years... coming off of a long term relationship (4 years) that immediately followed another long term relationship (5 years). i don't know what to do either... i am watching movies, becoming a workaholic, and just trying to keep busy.
at least my space was not occupied by someone else, and there are no memories of any one here but me..
i think that it almost makes me want to go back sometimes because i am so tired of being alone, and now that i am ready to start trying again, it is even worse. some of these guys make the old one look better and better every day. | |
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| During the 'down' times....
Posted: 5/21/2008 2:47:49 PM | ^^^^
Face the oppression of the media and all your couple friends... Stick it to the man.
Be single- You can dooooo iiiiit!!
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| During the 'down' times....
Posted: 5/21/2008 2:51:44 PM | Getting past the pain 101.
I know that time alone that you are talking about. That time where all that hurts, and is missing is magnified by 1000X, that is the time to sit down and give your self 15 minutes to dwell on all the things you miss. Write it out, think of all the horrible crappy things they did, list the things that were good, but seem like a big farce now.. Cry if you need to... BUT the key is to allow yourself that time for 15 to 20 minutes at the very most.
Then create a special file, some call it a prey box file, some call it the getting over you file, name it what ever you like. As the time goes on, take out the lists and read them, and create more.
One day you will realize you are so sick to death of thinking about missing them, you won't have any desire to do it. You will have beaten the issue to a pulp, and it will be something that has gotten to be an annoying sliver, that you have taken the time to work out, and the pain even though still a little sensitive, you will be so sick of dwelling that you will suddenly delete that whole file.
That is taking the grieving process into a condenced form, and I for one have found it works very effectively.
I don't recommend hiding in a bottle, that never solves anything, and potentially creates a bigger problem in the end.
When you have desensitized yourself to that "I miss you so much" part, you will have a desire to start living...Figuring out ways to improve yourself, read a book that you have been meaning to, cleaning out that spare room that has waited for you for years.
People come into our lives and leave us with many things to learn, good bad, sad, wonderful as Soul stated, they are always a part of you, whether they are physically there or not.
The beautiful part of all of this is that you had love once, and that means you can have it again, and maybe that time will be more than wonderful. Sometimes people leaving our life gives us a chance for a do over...
Good luck | |
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| During the 'down' times....
Posted: 5/21/2008 4:36:04 PM | | Wow... there are some truly amazing people here. I know we've all been here... and we all survive (sometimes barely). Thank you for being some of the most kind, thoughtful people I've never met ;) Those in your lives are truly lucky to know. This goes for every single person here. | |
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| During the 'down' times....
Posted: 5/21/2008 5:15:29 PM | wh33lz, i know what you mean...I've been playing gta iv for a couple of weeks now. very addicting and surely kills time. hmm, now i just need to get some friends to come over and play  | |
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| During the 'down' times....
Posted: 5/21/2008 5:57:41 PM | I also play my 360 and have friends over to watch the carnage. Smoke, eat, and drink, yet it only helps for a short while. The loneliness start to hit and with all the shit happing in my life, Divorcing from the wife, and the death of my father all in a 3 month peirod its hard not to drown in the grief. I can think of one girl that has be come a friend and that i like to be somewhat of a light to my darkness. I just don't know if she would care for me like i would her...
If anyone looking for a bud on Xbox live, look me up. Lord Dwraith | |
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