| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 8:20:33 AM | Hi,
I've been a relationship for 2 months with someone I met off this site. It's been the most 'intense' relationship I've ever been in (weve been together almost every day and night since we met), but I don't feel like it was 'too much too fast'. Third parties find us to be a cute and normal couple.
What I'm starting to discover is she does not want to work. She's been unemployed most of the time we've been together, and when she does get a job she seems to crumble and lose interest if she has a bad day or two, and then finds a way to get fired. I've heard her in phone interviews and shes disastrous. The reasons she gets fired are ridiculous (essentially refusing to do anything that wasnt specified in her interview)
While she claims to be adamently looking for jobs, she never leaves her apartment and spends her days cooking, cleaning, and watching reruns of Gilmour Girls and Friends.
Part of me has fallen in love with her, but the other part of me is repulsed by her aversion to what I perceive as 'real' work. Every day it seems like shes settling into a 'housewife' role more and more whereas I want her to be an equal with me. I need my parter to face most of the real world issues (i.e. paying bills) that I deal with daily, and at least at this point in my life I'm not ready to provide for someone because they can't find the perfect job.
I've tried to bring this up with her but it always ends in her saying "I know WAY more about being unemployed and looking for jobs than you". When I try to offer advice it leads to further arguments, and at this point we've agreed to simply not discuss her job searching. This seems to be perfect for her as she can now do nothing but clean her apparenment all day while watching sappy DVD's and not feel guilty for it (before you berate me for not considering cleaning real work, I'd be happy to clean after I got home from work if it meant her getting a job).
So this is my question - if I have identified myself as needing a person thats completely independant as my partner, how can I communicate that to my girlfriend I care immensely about?
I feel as if later in my life she would be the ideal girlfriend because she takes care of me so well, but right I think about leaving her everyday because I think its BEST for HER. I feel shes become dependant on me financially (yeah, in 2 months) and the only way shes going to get her life together is to not have me in it.
Most of my friends encourage me to stay with her because we care for each other so much, but with each passing day I know more and more I want to be with someone that gets up and goes to work everyday.
I realize this post is rambling and rather long, but any insight would be appreciated. This is the sweetest woman I have ever been with but I can't be with her much longer unless she starts showing some personal ambition and responsibility. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 8:28:42 AM | When we don't speak up, we send the "I accept" message. You do realize your own hand in this, right?
Dude, listen to yourself!
but I can't be with her much longer unless she starts showing some personal ambition and responsibility.
That said, "caring immensely" (apparently) ain't enough, huh? | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 8:31:38 AM | OMG! Will wonders never cease on this site. Nothing against you fellow, but this shows how desperate many, almost most (like 40%) are desperate for a relationship.
Dare I ask you two drink a lot? Or maybe she likes to "go to clubs" but doesn't even have a job? How on Earth can you respect someone who doesn't want to work?
Think about, in the meantime, grab as much poontang as you can from her, maybe take some pictures or videos, start selling them, and let her know when she gets a real job, and keeps it for 6 months, then you will stop selling them. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 8:32:10 AM | | Who is paying her bills? where is she living? How old is she? | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 8:34:55 AM | FG~ has it spot on, as always...but I might add...she's only a project in your eyes...she doesn't see the issue...and CK~, that is really the issue.
Quit trying to fix her. Love her as she is. Invite her along with you on the journey you are take, but set down the requirements so you are both clear (and typically, having a productive life is a good one to start with)...and if the decision comes that she's not holding up her end, you must be willing to move on (after much communication, of course).
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 8:36:06 AM | | You are already feeling resentful. Trust me, this will not get better. I was married to a man who was unemployed when I met him. He got fired between 6 and 10 months from every job he had. You need to tell her flat out that you will not support her financially. . . it's quite possible that's (all) she is looking for. Hope for the best, but expect the worst - just don't accept anything less than what you are willing to expect from a partner. If you do, you will regret it. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 8:38:36 AM | OP,
How does she support herself? Does she ask you for money or for you to take care of her?
Some people aim to be homemakers. Some people rather find work that lets them earn a living out of their house. It doesn't make them right or wrong. It makes that their desire. If you feel that is an undesirable or a dealbreaker, I suggest you move on with your life. Not because it's best for her but because it's best for you.
She's not asking (as written) for handouts from anyone. Yet you choose to judge her decisions as if she is some sort of loser. Perhaps there is something else going on here. I don't know. Everybody is not meant to have a nine-to-five existence or to fit in the neat little bubble you deem appropriate.
I read a thread yesterday, where you praised your relationship with this woman. Now, I come to learn you have great disdain for a huge part of her existence.
What a joke! You either love/accept her (warts, as you see them, and all) or you don't.  | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 8:39:44 AM | | If she can be a good mate, pay her way. People don't cost much to keep. If she is truly your partner and is supportive and attentive, you will come out way ahead by letting her stay at home and out of work. She can work for you in your own business, or help with your career by being supportive. That is worth its weight in gold. But if she's just a sponge and doesn't do anything for you, GET RID OF HER!!!!! | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 8:39:53 AM | Unless she is asking you to support her, what difference does it make? And for that matter, what business is it of yours? If you are just in a relationship and aren't living together, she can do whatever she wants besides cheating and lying.
You've been together for 2 months. Who do you think you are to be able to tell her what she should or should not be doing? I can't access your profile, but you look pretty young in your photo. I think you've got a lot of learning to do about relationships and people in general. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 8:42:17 AM | | if you are able to look after the family on your income,and she is willing totake care of other issues than you have to question the motivation for her to earn an income.having someone at home for the children is not a new thing. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 8:45:53 AM | Regardless of how he feels about her personally, any woman who sits around on her lazy ass all day, can't hold down a job, etc... is a serious liability in a relationship.
And alright, let's say she's got plenty of money and is set for life and doesn't need to work - she still should be doing something constructive with her life.
She sounds like she's got a real "lazy ass" issue. Nobody decent wants to be with a lazy ass... they wanna be with someone who's doing something constructive with their life.
Either way, you'd better sit down and have a talk and define who's doing what and how they're pitching in to make things work... or else it'll just eat you up. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 8:48:38 AM | If she is not working, how is she paying for her apartment and other expenditures? It sounds like she's ready to be a stay at home gf/wife/Mom....without discussing it with you.
You describe your relationship "intense". It's only been 2 months, and I'm guessing that you two are in the "honeymoon" stage and that is what you are describing to be "intense". Now you are seeing her "true colors" - no ambition, no desire to have a career much less a job outside the house.
To make matters worse, you can't even communicate/sit down and discuss this issue as a couple. That is not my idea of a relationship heading in the right direction.
Good luck with your decision!
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 8:53:11 AM | I had a relationship that was similar. I did not live with him, nor were we engaged, so I did not feel it was my place to criticize his lack of motivation to work. In retrospect, he was a loser who sponged off his parents (he is in his early 40's), and his ex-wife who paid him child support and maintenance. As long as his financial burdens did not fall on me, I stayed out of it. However, I would not have ever allowed things to progress to living together without him pulling his weight. I must confess I was a little embarassed about his lack of motivation!
Thank God I no longer have to deal with that dead weight! | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 8:55:39 AM | Well!
Oilyman, your comments arent worthy of aknowledgement, grow up (and yes I know you're an old guy).
For those asking about bills:
- While shes unemployed I offered to pay for all of our food. That might have been a mistake, but I don't regret it (I just didnt think shed be unemployed so long).
- We discuss our future together on a regular basis, and that includes moving in together at some point. Right now we each pay our own rent but Im afraid of getting into a situation where I'm solely responsible for paying for a place we had planned to finance together.
- She is 25, I'm 26.
EazK - Helpful and insightful comments as usual.
Loislane - I buy food and random things she needs for her apartment, but she buys clothing/makeup with her (quickly shrinking) birthday money. Most of your comments are true (as were mine when I raved about other parts of our relationship) - but I only wish things were so simple.
Mr. Internet - good advice, but some women DO cost alot to keep.
All in all, I'm appreciating the perspective this is giving me and am glad I made a thread.
At the end of the day, my heart says 'this is someone special' and my brain says 'get the hell out'. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 8:58:08 AM | | I agree with some of the other folks. Unless she is asking you to support her, I don't think you have the right to judge her on the decisions she makes. You said that she seems to fall into the housewife type role and that itself is work. Maybe not the type you want her to do but work nonetheless. So either deal with it or move on. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 9:00:15 AM | | You pay your brain to think, so it can keep you out of the trouble your heart would rush into. Then again, is falling in love ever wise? I think the best advice I can remember is that in some things it's only right when your head and heart agree. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 9:18:46 AM | Hey there CkToronto,
Sorry to hear about your situation, but take comfort in the fact that you're both only in your mid-twenties, so there's still plenty of time to turn things around.
Given that you're 26 and she's 25, she may simply be suffering from the newly-coined "Quarter Life crisis" people in our age bracket seem to be experiencing: from the time we are little we are told "go to school, get a degree, and you'll get a job". However some of us upon graduation are shell-shocked to discover that A + B doesn't usually end up with dream job C, leading to disillusionment, disappointment, outright resentment, fear, and if they're smart enough, some self-reflection to decide what to do next... 
She may simply be stuck in the bewildered phase at the moment, and hesitant to try something new or follow her true passions for fear of failing yet again.
I would suggest that you have an earnest yet encouraging/supportive conversation with her, expressing your feelings/concerns on the matter, but by no means launch into a full blown confrontation quite yet. After all, University students get 4 months summer vacation, so 2 months on the unemployment line may seem like a cake walk to her given the simplistic student lifestyle (I'm assuming she's done school, but at that age our tastes are still simplistic compared to people in their thirties who have been in the workforce longer).
At the end of the day though, do what feels right for you, and she will do the same for her. Hopefully that winds up with both of you on the same page in some workable compromise, but if not, you're 26 and gainfully-employed, the world is your Oyster and it's jam-packed with other eligible ladies that may better suit your desires!  
P.S.: For those claiming housework IS a full week's work, it isn't unless children are involved. At 26 he probably rents a one or two bedroom apartment, or has a condo like me:
(1) Total clean-up time takes 2 hours per week (30 minutes dusting, vacuuming and mopping the floors, 15 minutes for counter-tops and surfaces, 20 minutes scrubbing the tub, toilet and sinks, 15 minutes for garbage and recyclables).
(2) Laundry takes another 2-3 hours (1.5 hours per load, average 2 loads per week), which can usually be done SIMULTANEOUSLY with cooking/cleaning if you can multi-task (like I do).
(3) Cooking is just as easy if you do it in bulk on weekends, leading to another 3 hours (1 hour shopping, 2 for preparation/cooking), and toss in another hour for weekday breakfast preparations. (If you're inclined to cook more often than that, add on another hour per weekday...)
(TOTAL) Add all that up and my household duties still only add up to 6 to 10 hours, depending on whether I do tasks simultaneously (on keen days I cook, clean and do the laundry simultaneously)... What the heck do you claim she does the other 30 hours out of a 40 hour work week?  | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 9:27:54 AM | So what is she living on NOW?
I agree completely with you that it would be doing her a bad favor to allow her to continue drifting along, apparently expecting to find a husband and make a career out of being a wife and mother. While there is certainly nothing wrong or ignoble about choosing to make that a primary interest, smart people of both genders have a "plan b" and even a "plan C" when it comes to making a living.
Especially for women they need to look ahead to "what if" and "God forbid" scenarios and gain marketable skills/build an employment history. Even if it is decided that she be a SAHM when the kids are little, savvy women will keep in touch with the working world or maybe improve/upgrade marketable skills.
Have you told your GF that her lack of ambition and lack of personal career/financial goals is a serious issue for you, if your relationship is to become one where a family unit is created?
Cindy O | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 9:31:54 AM | ^^Well said tigerwoods.
P.S.: For those claiming housework IS a full week's work, it isn't unless children are involved
I wasn't implying that is was a full week's worth, just work. So, while she may not have a 9-5 job, she doesn't sound completely averse to working. Lol, so she isn't allergic as the OP asked. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 9:32:58 AM | | i think we are assuming children will be involved.until then see if she will clean your home,make you lunch,supper what have you. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 9:36:05 AM | Whoa buddy
She's WAY too comfortable. If this is bugging you now, you will end up hating her guts. You already don't respect her anymore...and being in a position of "one up" (which you are because you are gainfully and I hope happily employed) is a bad place... because there is no equality.. EVERY PERSON should pay their own way... now sometimes when people have kids together one partner stays at home, they decide together on that...that IS a job.. she has no children... so basically she's a lazy-ass broad who wants to live off of you... I've seen a lot of your posts and from that I can say... it isn't going to work for you. You are an ambitious and progressive guy...
People only change when and how they WANT to...and it's never because of a relationship, not really. Look at it this way, what you see is what you get...now project that 5 years into the future
is that what you want, or need?
Good luck | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 9:39:07 AM | | She might care for you, but it sounds like she's made you her mealticket. Let's say you move in together (mistake IMO)and she's being the housewife and actually doing the work, that's one thing, but if she's allergic to that too.... well... mealticket. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 9:54:27 AM | What you see is how she is......... either accept it or leave.
If all her ambitions involve what she can do for you, leave fast. Amazing to me how people can't see whats in front of them ! or think things will change for the better !
She sounds like a mooch. I'd lose her and not converse about all her plans for you and what you will do for her. Ceratinly, you cant be that desperate. The world is filled with women, most of which will be better than a lazy user. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 9:57:30 AM | well she obviously has some kind of income if shes paying for her own rent....so its either welfare or unemployment....
but that will only last for so long if its unemployment and welfare well she has to be telling them something to keep getting a monthly check...
follow your heart on this one dude...no one can tell you right or wrong....
just tell her that you want her to be independent like yourself and its something you really want to see happen soon or else moving in together could be a problem since i'm sure you both have bills that need to be paid on...
and she can't expect you to pay for her bills too | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 10:14:55 AM | Sing it with me... R E S P E C T ...
I can hear the disrespect in your voice...both of your voices actually.
Without respect, there is no prospect for a long term relationship. *shrug* It doesn't get better with time when the 2 viewpoints are opposed.
If you respected her, you would believe that she really is trying hard to find a job where she has a good fit. She would respect your opinions and suggestions for finding a job.
Instead, you think she is a lazy mooch. That equal disprespectful in my book.
What happens if you marry and have a baby and she wants to stay home to raise the baby for 3 years? If you come home an ddinner's not ready, will you assume it's b/c she laid around eating bonbons? Or will you assume the baby screamed all day and she's exhausted? The difference b/t those 2 assumptions is RESPECT, pure and simple.
GOod luck moving on... Kaylie | |
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