| Opinions on this crazy relationship please.
Posted: 5/21/2008 3:59:00 PM | I have more or less finished a (almost) three year on/off relationship with someone who I have loved very much, we clicked on just about every level- but. You knew there was going to be a but didn't you.
Unfortunately, this person has always had a habit of destabilising things, sometimes by accident, and I feel sometimes by design. rings have been mentioned more than once, in that she isn't going to bend unless she has permanency, but it's like a chicken and the egg situation, I just don't see it is going to get better (or that she will improve the bits i can't cope with) even if we got together permanently, and in the past she has shown tendencies to fly off the handle at the most basic things I have said- yet- if she has done something "wrong" then it's my problem- and I need to "get over it" etc. She can argue better than anyone I know, and when all I want is a hug, all it seems to me she wants is to rub my nose in the dirt. We are now apart again, and she wants to see how things go, and says she can no longer trust me because I have "ended it" before, yet the only reason I have walked out in the past is because I can no longer bear the situation. We always get back together because we truly miss each other, and to be honest, I have not really wanted to walk away from a relationship that "could" be SO good, and throw 3 years down the tubes.
To get to the point- I have never been in this sort of situation before- I wonder if anyone has been there- and got a tale to tell? I just feel sad it's possibly all over- but I feel I must stick to my guns or it's game over- I'm not crying or upset- just feel that when you get so close to someone- and they just can't ditch certain behavioral patterns that basically destroyed my trust, and something that was so good.... | |
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| Opinions on this crazy relationship please.
Posted: 5/21/2008 4:07:30 PM | been in the same boat bro!! my ex-fiance was just about everything i needed in a woman...except for the occassional "throwed off psycho" behavior.i put up with it for three years myself and after she finally whacked out on me one too many times i sent her packing. about six months later she swore to be a calmer,more relaxed gal and i fell for it. only to send her packing again three weeks later. granted, she does have a drinking problem,but its not an excuse.
now she's coming back to town in a week or so and wants to see me about a possible third try.im not going to lie and say i dont still love her,but i just dont think its worth the headaches anymore.
good luck | |
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| Opinions on this crazy relationship please.
Posted: 5/21/2008 4:07:44 PM | If it keeps going the on/off route I dont see how it can work. Trust is HUGE in any relationship, and if she destroyed that for you, it will be almost impossible to get that back. Besides, why would you want to be with someone who wants to rub your nose in the dirt as you say? Sometimes its hard to let go of familiarity, but its for the best. A relationship is built on love, communication and trust and it sounds like all of that is missing with your situation.  | |
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| Opinions on this crazy relationship please.
Posted: 5/21/2008 4:15:54 PM | an on off relationship is rarely one to consider for long term, especially three years of on and off constitutes what in real time? Less than a year? It's a holding pattern of dysfunctional behavior. You keep going through the honeymoon period and then get whacked over the head again. It won't get better or change. you get sick of each other and take a break, and then since your addicted to the dysfunction give it another go.
You don't need opinions. You need to figure out why YOU keep doing things that aren't in your best interest long term. How many more on off years are you going to waste on this woman? | |
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| Opinions on this crazy relationship please.
Posted: 5/21/2008 4:16:20 PM | | Whatever you may be telling yourself about the relationship, it is wrong. You have been living in a cloud of confusion trying to make good sense out of irrational behavior. It never can work. Even a good relationship is a case of making sense of irrational behavior, but since it goes well, there is nothing to fix so it doesn't matter. On and off is always bad. On and off is a cycle, a pattern and it goes from bad to worse. Now you reached the point where it ends. This is good. Now you know what to avoid next time. | |
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| Opinions on this crazy relationship please.
Posted: 5/21/2008 4:17:31 PM | Run metallguru, RUN!!
She is controlling and it will not get better. Better to throw 3 years down the tubes then throw another "X" amount of years down the tubes hoping things will get better.
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| Opinions on this crazy relationship please.
Posted: 5/21/2008 4:18:24 PM | | it takes two to tango. the controller and the controllee. bugs me when people don't take responsibility for their own part in this like they are a victim. | |
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| Opinions on this crazy relationship please.
Posted: 5/21/2008 4:22:33 PM | You're only putting up with this situation because it has become part of your "comfort zone" to some degree and that is all. It is not going to bring you long term peace, happiness or stability.
Our best choices in life always come from stepping forward and stretching the comfort zone not retreating and hiding within our self made cocoons. Stretch, fly and don't look back! | |
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| Opinions on this crazy relationship please.
Posted: 5/21/2008 4:27:37 PM | We clicked on almost every level....
and then goes on to tell us about all the issues.
Maybe that clicking sound was more of a grinding sound in slow motion?
Be glad it only took 3 years. You could have managed to convince her (or the other way) that marriage was the answer, and then your problems would be compounded. | |
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| Opinions on this crazy relationship please.
Posted: 5/21/2008 4:29:28 PM | The operative word here is "could" be good, but it's not.
Is it worth holding on to the good times, when the bad behavioral patterns are slowly destroying the relationship? | |
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| Opinions on this crazy relationship please.
Posted: 5/21/2008 4:30:31 PM | Years ago I read a poster I saw in an antique shop. A young man has asked his grandmother what was the most important thing in life.
She listed many things like a healthy lifestyle and getting an education but in the end the most important thing was selecting the right partner. That will directly influence every other thing and I completely agree with that.
Relationships, especially relatively new ones, do not require work. If they do then it is not the right person for you.
Marriage, a ring, will not change her behavior. It's time to let go. | |
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| Narcissists are a no no
Posted: 5/21/2008 4:44:29 PM | Metallguru,
You miss her and even reconcile because you are imagining that things COULD BE a certain way, yet you remain guarded. Let's start with the basics by putting the investment of three years aside. See things for what they really are.
I want _________ from/with this person, but instead I receive __________.
Fill in the blanks using the words below from column A and B.
Column A
A HUG
STABILITY
UNDERSTANDING
HONESTY
LOVE
Column B
RUBS NOSE IN THE DIRT
INSTABILITY
ULTIMATUMS
DISTRUST
MANIPULATION
The investment of time in the relationship is exactly that. An investment. In life, some investments yield positive results, and others not so positive results. Your on again off again injects you with self doubt in order to make you think you are at fault, but you are so much smarter than that. She CAN make changes in order to have a free flowing relationship which would be everything you want. She CHOOSES not to. Love does not have to trigger off feelings of self doubt.
By identifying what you truly WANT and identifying what you truly RECEIVE from this person, it is all there right in front of you. Be true to yourself. | |
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| Opinions on this crazy relationship please.
Posted: 5/21/2008 4:45:34 PM | Actually marriage will amplify things.. always does.. So a psycho before the marriage.. she will be a psycho squared after the marriage.
Here are some of my favorite AA sayings.. "if it walks like a duck.. quacks like a duck.. looks like a duck.. it IS a duck".. "The reason why some people beat their heads against the walk repeatedly is because it feels so good when they stop"..
So get off this merry go round.. and get yourself some peace. | |
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| Opinions on this crazy relationship please.
Posted: 5/21/2008 4:50:50 PM | I have a feeling that I'm gonna run with. I'm sensing that there's something here worth saving, if only you two can give up the need to be "right". Really, sometimes it simply comes down to whether you'd rather be right, or be happy. I think there's a power struggle here that needs to be laid down for a bit...it'll sort itself if if you can stop focusing on it overly much...and on each other. It's really difficult to move forward or resolve anything, or even recognize the real issues, when you're always focusing on what the other did, said, didn't do, etc. It keeps you in a reactive stage, and nothing productive happens then.
(Where is ItsMargo when you need her?!?)
I can relate to this in a very personal way, and I really believe that a period of looking inward and figuring out why you're really at war, and figuring out a way to cope with how you trigger eachother--as well as figuring out just how badly you wish to work things out-- will give you a really good first step towards moving forward.
I think she'll be able to resolve her trust issues once she stops viewing everything as a war she has to win. Hopefully, the foundation underneath all these crazy, nutter reactions will be strong enough to trump this power struggle.
I've found that if I step back a bit and give the other person time to process in their own way, they'll usually come around to being in a place in which we can be productive. It doesn't happen when you're knotted up in the frenzy.
I hope you find a peaceful resolution. | |
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| Opinions on this crazy relationship please.
Posted: 5/21/2008 4:57:52 PM | | I had a similar relationship that was off and on for 12 years, it has been over for 12 years now and we can now be friends and we do talk once a year. We basically always came back to each other as we both feared the unknown. The day came where we both got tired and just stopped calling each other. As others have said, if you stay on the ride too long you eventually throw up. Take some time for yourself, to reflect and to find out what you really want. From what you have said, you seek a mellow and peaceful relationship with someone not combative. There are many women who just want a hug as you do. Best to you, OP. | |
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| Opinions on this crazy relationship please.
Posted: 5/21/2008 5:00:44 PM | OK metallguru, lets put this in "man speak", so that it is easier to swallow. You have this extremely great car, does all the things you like, and it is a smooth ride and has all the bells and whistles... However it has this really quirky thing of blowing up and this happens at unexpected times. These blow ups, cause a complete break down, and it takes hours, days and weeks to fix. In the mean time you have to walk to work, or hitch a ride from a good friend.
Now, how long would you put up with a car that did that to you? Especially no matter what you do, it is NEVER the cars fault, and there has NOT BEEN one single mechanic on the face of the planet that has been able to stop this quirky erksome problem.
Now back to the girl... She has all these great qualities, except that she blows her lid and it is always your fault, in fact when you try to make amends she does nothing but rubs you nose into the whole thing...
I lived a 9 yr marraige that way, and ya know what, it didn't get better over the years, nor did it feel good when things got worse...
Relationships are about two people that work on being GOOD to each other, not one person always having to accept the horrible behavior of the other.
I also had a 3 1/2 yr relationship that pretty much had the same dynamics... Marriage does NOT fix anything that is bad in the first place.
It would seem that you are comfortable with the devil you know, then the monsterous devil that you may meet after her. Shug, Life is to short, and as nice as it is to have the comfort of someone, it isn't a concellation prize to be with a freaker outer. Hold out for the prize that is ALL that you want... Good luck | |
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| Opinions on this crazy relationship please.
Posted: 5/21/2008 7:13:50 PM | | You two keep breaking up for a reason. I think it's not a healthy relationship if keep being on and off again, granted I guess depends on the situation but still ya know. Love alone isn't a good reason to stay or even get back together with someone. There's few things that make a relationship work and well without them it's not going to work, even if you manage to fall in love with them regardless of the flaws they have that is so bad and makes you unhappy. | |
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| Opinions on this crazy relationship please.
Posted: 5/21/2008 7:23:24 PM | | I won't state the obvious. LOL.. Anyway.. You two are so close that you are no good for each other. She feeds off the negative stuff and so do you, You are destructive together, that is why you attract and click with each other.. 3 years of a temporary thing is better than a lifetime of torture. You have already seen the red flags, seems like it's time to move on and listen to your instinct, imo.. | |
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| Opinions on this crazy relationship please.
Posted: 5/21/2008 7:29:33 PM | Your story reminds me of someone I used to date way back in the day. If made a mistake or messed up, then I was just suppose to forgive it and say nothing about it. If I messed up or made a mistake, even if it was a smaller one, well the fur would hit the fan and I had to hear about it for weeks on end. He was always right and I was always wrong. I could not talk about anything because that meant I was just being a **** or complaining. There was no communication. He wanted to change me and who I was.
I realized that I had to leave because I was not being treated right so I left.
~Carrie | |
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| Opinions on this crazy relationship please.
Posted: 5/21/2008 7:38:28 PM | i agree with many of the posters in this thread in that you need to take responsibility for your part in this dysfunctional relationship and move on. you will never change the traits you have that were causitive in this situation until you admit you had a role as well.
acceptance is a key component of any successful relathionship. it doesnt sound like that ever existed in this particular one. | |
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| Opinions on this crazy relationship please.
Posted: 5/21/2008 8:08:54 PM | metallguru,
You have me a little confused here. How can an off and on relationship be so good??? If you click on almost every level, you should be mostly on and rarely off. Is it possible that you two have grown used to each other and it is easier to settle back into your pattern rather than move on. Same behavior brings same results on BOTH of your parts as it takes TWO to make a relationship work and it takes TWO to tear one apart. You can't change her so take a look at yourself. Any tales to tell...yes, been there, done that. And when I looked back, I asked myself what the h *** was I thinking for not moving on sooner!!!
Vash | |
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| Opinions on this crazy relationship please.
Posted: 5/21/2008 8:24:32 PM |
She can argue better than anyone I know For her to demonstrate this to you, you must be arguing very strongly with her. Are you sure that arguing is really the approach you want to be taking?
when all I want is a hug, all it seems to me she wants is to rub my nose in the dirt How clearly are you communicating that all you want is a hug? Have you said, "I'm sorry, can I have a hug?" for example? It's no good arguing with her and only thinking secretly to yourself "I only want a hug" -- for all you know she might be doing the same thing whilst you are busy rubbing her nose in the dirt.
in the past she has shown tendencies to fly off the handle at the most basic things I have said When a person is triggered by something we say or do, we have a choice. We can attack their emotional response as irrational or we can seek to understand the emotional source of the reaction in order to know them better and love them more tenderly. We all have our trigger points, vulnerabilities, soft spots that are revealed in a relationship, discovering and understanding things is about opportunities to love each other not opportunities to attack each other. Of course we humans are sometimes irrational -- we are emotional beings.
It is possible that the person you are with is unstable or unable to be in a healthy, loving relationship but it is not clear that your own behaviour towards her is conducive to a healthy loving relationship either. Why would you argue back with her if your feeling is that you want a hug? Did you not try buttoning your lip shut and hugging her instead of trying to be the one who was right? You have a clear pattern of interaction that leads to an unhappy place.
If you get back together without resolving this pattern then it will repeat. Resolving the pattern is not impossible: first identify it and then take responsibility for your part in it. and next time she flies off the handle irrationally, try hugging her and saying nothing but waiting for her to explain where her feelings are coming from without making her feel that she is going to need to defend them. Explain your behaviours to her in a non-defensive way. The two of you need to realise and remember that you're suppose to be on the same side and love is about being loving towards each other not about having to defend yourselves or making each other feel as if there is a need for defence. | |
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