| Changing?
Posted: 5/22/2008 10:53:02 AM | Okay, here's the situation.
There was a girl I liked for a long time, and she said she liked me too, but she had a bf, who she loved. She got into an arguement with me when she asked what I thinking, because apparently she didn't like the answer. One of the things she said is that I was alone because, "You're just too nice. You're clingy, and girls don't like that. You're emotional, and girls don't like that either. We're supposed to be clingy and emotional. We like guys with backbone."
The more I thought about, the more I realized she's right. I'm clingy, and emotional, but I don't know how to change. So I'm asking women out there how I would go about changing myself to what a woman wants. And don't say the weight. That's non-negotiable. | |
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| Clingy?
Posted: 5/22/2008 11:00:47 AM | Clingy is bad. Does, "Too emotional" mean "ran over my brother because he hugged me" or "cries after sex"?
Initially, you just have to hold back. Since you are aware of it the things you think to be clingy try to not do them. And while you're doing that, try to have more fun by yourself and schedule events you enjoy. Sign up for Habitat for Humanity or something that you can do, feel good about and you will not feel such a strong need to cling to people. It isn't an over night thing, but once you don't feel as clingy you won't have to hold back and be quite as hypersensitive.
I wouldn't reccomend changing how emotional you are unless you're the green eyed monster or something equally as creepy.
Oh and don't listen to anyone who says drop the gaming. Find another gamer, or someone who doesn't mind, don't drop a favorite activity just to find someone, nothing good will come of it. | |
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| Clingy?
Posted: 5/22/2008 11:20:41 AM | You need to build your confidence as a starter.
Then when you meet someone..you won't have all this kind of thing..
does she like me?
I don't wanna lose her..a week into it.
what can I do that's really romantic to impress her..which may well be over the top.
if she mentions something she needs to do..that's something SHE needs to do..you don't need to do it for her unless she asks..you can offer..but don't take over.
Don't let her know where you are nd what you are doing every minute of the day..let her wonder where you have got to.
Don't text her then mail her ten mins later asking why she didn't reply to your text..
These are just SOME of the things which needy/clingy people do..I've seen it happen many a time.
Confidence helps because..yeah..it might all seem great...but your first thought becomes the 'does she like me?'...how about taking a deep breath, and in your mind sit back and ask yourself whether SHE is good enough for YOU!!?? Does she treat you aas well as you do her?
And if she isn't..then..maybe you need to move on... | |
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| Changing?
Posted: 5/22/2008 12:07:10 PM | One thing I'd like you to notice is just that as men differ from each other in how they are and in what they want, so women differ too: they don't all act the same or want the same thing. If you're not like the average man, why get all het up about what the average woman is supposed to want?
At your core, you are yourself and whilst your expression of yourself and your beliefs/feelings can be tempered and altered to suit others, this is superficial. Real change comes from learning and is according to your own feelings and beliefs, not the feelings and beliefs of others about you.
If you consider yourself to be this: "clingy and emotional" then you will not be able to change this simply to make yourself appear more attractive, you will only be able to change this if you understand what it truly means, what beliefs lead you to take on these attitudes and whether or not you truly believe those beliefs to be correct or not.
You do not want to be with a woman who wants you only if you can play a role that satisfies her whims -- this will not make you happy. You will not feel loved because she loves only what you do, not who you truly are.
There is nothing wrong with who you truly are right at this very minute. Some of your beliefs about yourself may be causing you difficulties in relating to others, especially if you are looking on it as measuring up to some kind of standard rather than simply relating to another human being.
Firstly, there is no such thing as "too nice". My partner is the nicest, most giving, unselfish, caring, sensitive man I've ever known and I love him so much my heart hurts. Some women talk about wanting a man who will "keep them in line" and "won't let them walk all over them". I ask you this: what kind of woman would make the choice to walk all over her partner just because he is willing to allow that. My partner has been abused in the past, he is a very giving and self-sacrificing man, but loving him means that I want to take care of him, not take advantage of him. He does have backbone, as I'm sure you do. He won't take no for an answer from anyone if I need something (e.g. when the pharmacy mess up my medication and try to send him away without it, he won't accept that). This is where women do value "backbone" -- they want to know that their partner will not stand by and see them taken advantage of or abused. Would you allow anyone to short-change or mistreat someone you loved if they were not present or able to defend themselves? That would be "spineless" and guys who are emotional and clingy/loving don't tend to be "spineless" in this crucial way, so I doubt you are.
"Clingy" is something that is completely subjective. It is a word used by one person to describe their partner if that partner wants more time/energy/emotional interaction from the person than they naturally are wanting to give. I prefer to spend all day every day with my current partner if at all possible and he feels the same way. We get stressed out and unhappy when we have to be apart. This could certainly be seen as "clingy" but for the fact that we both want the same thing, so it is harmony. This is to do with our particular relationship rather than the characteristics of either one of us: in my previous relationship seeing the guy once every 2-3 weeks was quite sufficient for me and spending an entire weekend together was something I found rather suffocating and hard to deal with. "Clingy" is something you only encounter when you are with the wrong person, someone who is not in harmony with you. "Clingy" is not something that is part of your character, it is a descriptor that applies to the way this particular woman perceived your interaction with her. If a woman wanted exactly what you wanted, you would not find her "clingy", would you?
I hope you can see what I am getting at and that it will help you. When a person is with someone they are not compatible with, there are problems labelled as the fault of the other one such as being "too nice", "too emotional" or "too clingy" that a person such as yourself will take to heart, blaming himself for, rather than realising that these labels are subjective and belong to the relationship and the interaction that occurred between you and the other person. There is nothing necessarily wrong with you other than, perhaps, a tendency to belittle yourself and blame yourself, judging yourself by standards that are not the ones by which you judge others. You don't need to apologise for who you are or to try to be what others tell you they want you to be. You just need to find someone who appreciates you for who you are -- and it's a big world out there, full of variation. I believe that if you stop apologising for who you are and trying to hide what you fear is not acceptable to the mythical majority, the one who can love you for you will have a much better chance of spotting you.
Hope this makes some sense and helps a little. | |
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| Clingy?
Posted: 5/22/2008 12:07:16 PM |
So I'm asking women out there how I would go about changing myself to what a woman wants. And don't say the weight. That's non-negotiable.
The thing is you are only 19. If you have a weight problem at this age, where will you be 30 years from now? Lifestyle changes are important to stay healthy. Being healthy does change your attitude and outlook on life. You know you have a problem and are obviously insecure about your weight or you wouldn't have even brought it up here.
Work on the outsides and the inside at the same time. Care about yourself so that you can care about others. | |
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| Clingy?
Posted: 5/22/2008 12:17:52 PM | Migod! Can't anybody just be themselves anymore!
Poster, what's wrong with you?? Is there anything wrong with you? Has anyone else said you are needy and clingy? How many times? Often? Rarely? Never?
Are you getting the picture here, dear...just be yourself...if you are one who lives life expressing your emotions and loves to show affection...what is wrong with that? :)
Do you see? 
Now celebrate who you are! There's only one of YOU! | |
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| Clingy?
Posted: 5/22/2008 12:18:15 PM | | Which woman? We are all different... Now, if you feel some of your attributes are unattractive, then change them, but change them for you, so that you feel better about yourself. And, that in turn will probably bring more people around. | |
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| Clingy?
Posted: 5/22/2008 12:23:02 PM | | don't coddle the boy quirky, that is probably what got him here in the first place. | |
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| Clingy?
Posted: 5/22/2008 12:29:23 PM | Well, for the emotional question that 9035768, I'm emotional that I feel things more intensely. Like, those ASPCA commercials and the 9/11 remix of Heaven, I always cry when I hear/watch those. The crying after sex seems kinda confusing, especially since I'm a virgin.
As for everyone else, thank you very much, especially to you rune3.
And I guess "clingy" isn't the best word. Though, I always said my perfect girl would be clingy. I don't use the term in a negative way, but I guess a better word/phrase would be needy or desiring of full attention of something along those lines. I guess whatI want is someone who will make me as big a priority in their life as I will make them. | |
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| Clingy?
Posted: 5/22/2008 12:32:29 PM | women may cry after sex if you **** the hell out of them. she was insinuating you are a woman inside.
You need a male role model kid. No i'm not volunteering. | |
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| Clingy?
Posted: 5/22/2008 12:47:21 PM | | No one was asking you to. Far as I'm concerned, and from what I can tell, you're as good a male role model as Michael Jackson is a babysitter. | |
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| Clingy?
Posted: 5/22/2008 12:55:54 PM | People can be so cruel.
I'll be your male role model, DPR_Gamer. What I lack in genital length and girth, I make up for with obnoxious bravado.
And there you have it...
...Your first lesson: for everything you lack (in your case, I'm gonna guess it's mostly "charm," "the ability to read previous threads just the same as your own," "not looking kind of like a lesbian in your main display picture," and "gracefulness in the taking of criticism") you need to--to speak in your probable lingo-- roll the dice and add +1 masculine obnoxiousness.
Good luck, OP! | |
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| Clingy?
Posted: 5/22/2008 1:03:35 PM |
not looking kind of like a lesbian in your main display picture
Hahaha...I thought the same thing...  | |
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| Changing?
Posted: 5/22/2008 1:12:38 PM | You sound like you need to build your self-esteem and self-confidence. A woman (most) does not like a man that is clingy, too needy, and no back bone. That is correct. However, if this is how you are now maybe it will be a matter of time and life experiences before you alter these attributes on your own - considering you are only 19.
I'm not sure how someone can portray themselves to be something they are not. Are there other issues that stem from you being clingy, emotional and lack of back bone? If there are, maybe some counseling?
All the best,
P.S. You state your weight is "non-negotiable". However, you really ought to reconsider this. Not for the girls, but for yourself. If you keep putting on weight you will be prone to many health issues.
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| Clingy?
Posted: 5/22/2008 1:22:30 PM |
And I guess "clingy" isn't the best word. Though, I always said my perfect girl would be clingy. I don't use the term in a negative way, but I guess a better word/phrase would be needy or desiring of full attention of something along those lines. Perhaps a better word, then, would be "affectionate".
I guess what I want is someone who will make me as big a priority in their life as I will make them. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this, all you are asking for is someone who wants the same kind of relationship that you do. There are plenty of women out there who get called "clingy" and "needy" by men who don't want this kind of thing; women who would appreciate an affectionate man who is not afraid to be emotional and is strong enough to allow himself to show vulnerability. It's just a matter of your finding each other. (I'm sure you could find a better photo of yourself too, if you want to post one - you are very blue in that one, don't you think?). | |
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| "Emotional"
Posted: 5/22/2008 1:43:17 PM | Just that kind of emotional? Pfft. Totally OK to cry at ASPCA commercials, get misty at movies and enjoy songs to the fullest. I don't cry at commercials and the last time I cried at a movie was watching "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids" on the big screen(If I remember correctly that was 1989, so I was 7). That doesn't mean it would bother me if someone else did. Crying after sex isn't bad, either, it's just rare for both genders.
Clingy and needy are not the same as expecting not to be blown off. You should be equal in the relationship, of course having a giver and a taker in a relationship isn't as rare as it should be.
I consider clingy to be you both can't have your own lives. If you try to get a job at her company because you can't stand being apart that might be a red flag that you are a tad too codependant.
As posted by other the levels of clingy vary. If someone followed me to the bathroom just to be with me: clingy. If someone dropped by every day just to visit: not clingy. I don't like people filling my message machine with babble, some people don't mind it.
If you really are too clingy, it is more about your lack of satisfaction with yourown life. If that's just a buzzword someone uses as an excuse there's nothing wrong with your amount of attention.
you're as good a male role model as Michael Jackson is a babysitter.
You sound, fine, healthy and observant to me. I'll chalk up your lack of good women to age. You just haven't dated enough people, yet. | |
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| Changing?
Posted: 5/22/2008 1:53:50 PM |
There was a girl I liked for a long time, and she said she liked me too, but she had a bf, who she loved. She got into an arguement with me when she asked what I thinking, because apparently she didn't like the answer. One of the things she said is that I was alone because, "You're just too nice. You're clingy, and girls don't like that. You're emotional, and girls don't like that either. We're supposed to be clingy and emotional. We like guys with backbone."
The more I thought about, the more I realized she's right. I'm clingy, and emotional, but I don't know how to change. So I'm asking women out there how I would go about changing myself to what a woman wants. And don't say the weight. That's non-negotiable.
There is a book written by Neil Strauss called The Game.
http://www.amazon.com/Game-Penetrating-Secret-Society-Artists/dp/0060554738
I don't agree with everything in this book (I've read maybe a third of it at some point) and I don't think all of it can be applied, but I do think it's a good start to consider how to change your mindset about dating and the messages you send or don't send without you really knowing it.
More than anything, I think the book pushes a very goal oriented and proactive approach to dealing with the opposite sex. Most women will naturally oppose a book like this because it "generalizes" women and it makes their motives seem simplistic enough to discuss and handle in one book. Most women want to feel unique and special and different from every other woman. Well they are not. Most of them are pretty much the same just like most men are pretty much the same. And we are all human, the things that motivate us and make us cautious and give us doubt are probably nearly universal. But how to appeal to a baseline and to try to understand the complex dynamic you are working in is really a good move no matter what anyone tells you. Don't let anyone shame you out of any resources that might help you, even incrementally.
Good luck. | |
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| Changing?
Posted: 5/22/2008 3:02:12 PM | Yes, OP. Change your picture. Loose the third or turn your face around. That might be the best of the three. Don't wear things that are immediately going to make you look bigger. Show off your best assets.... Take a picture outside, so women believe you see light of day occasionally. It is better to have one good face picture, than three so so pictures...
Oh, no. Am I coddling again... | |
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| Changing?
Posted: 5/22/2008 3:47:31 PM | you're moving in the fight direction Quirky..
to the OP: You might not like to hear it, but Molesworth is right...you are barely recognizable as male. If you are serious about transforming into something a woman could ever respect, and consider having sex with, you really would benefit from modeling your behavior off men who have had a bit more success than you.
just some friendly advice. good luck to you. | |
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| Changing?
Posted: 5/22/2008 4:02:17 PM | OP....I'm not going to coddle - at all. Just remember that this is constructive criticism. I'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings here and this is just one woman's opinion that has teen sons a few years younger than you.
I'm not sure why you said your weight is non negotiable because I think its one of the easiest to fix - especially at your age. Its not only more attractive to most young girls, its healthier and will extend your life.
Become more active. Do you ever play frisbee or play catch? Throw a football or ride a bike? Do you have any testosterone driven hobbies (besides gaming) like Sports, Nascar, Target practice, rodeo etc ? I watched my sons become addicted to gaming and gain 30 lbs in a year. They never wanted to go outside. Thank God they didn't like being called names in 6th grade and started watching what they ate and becoming more active. They are now within the average weight for their size and usually join me in working out.
You're young OP. If all you do is sit in your room - gaming/writing or drawing - what ' s to become of your weight in 10 yrs, nevermind 40? It doesn't sound as though you really have any interest that gets you 'outside' on a regular basis. You claim you're intelligent and won't do drugs, cigarettes or alcohol because they're bad for your body. What do you think your weight is? Healthy?
The good thing with losing weight is that it will automatically boost your self confidence. As you lose weight/tone up and keep having to buy smaller cloths, your self esteem will be higher. That will manifest itself into wanting to do more. As you lose weight, you'll also have lots more energy. If you were to start now, you could be hot by the time you're of age to hit the clubs.
Send your profile for a profile review and try to get some better photos. Take out the part about not being popular-that sounds like whining.
Good Luck!
HR | |
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| Changing?
Posted: 5/22/2008 4:43:15 PM | Have a look at this article, I think that it really addresses some of the questions that you are dealing with:
http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/niceguys/niceguys.shtml
Best of luck.
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| Clingy?
Posted: 5/22/2008 5:42:53 PM |
but I guess a better word/phrase would be needy
Needy is never good. If you need someone its much harder for you to love them and care about them because you are too busy caring about yourself.
Get the focus off yourself and on to the other person and their needs.
A relationship that works well is two people that love each other and want each other, not two people that need each other. | |
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| Clingy?
Posted: 5/22/2008 11:39:32 PM | Someone else suggested a Profile Review OP.
I would instead suggest erasing 99% of yours and then starting over.
and because of a lot of financial and parental restrictions, I'm not able to go out often,
I know you are only 19, but trust me, this line alone will kill your chances here. Who wants to date
someone with whatever "parental restrictions" may mean ?
There are other things that you mention that are bad, but i see no purpose in preserving them here on the Forums to haunt you. Just erase and try again. | |
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| Changing?
Posted: 5/23/2008 1:57:57 AM |
Have a look at this article, I think that it really addresses some of the questions that you are dealing with:
http://www.heartless-****es.com/rants/niceguys/niceguys.shtml
Best of luck.
Typical cassie....straight to the point as usual...lol
Possibly the only answer that may shed some light on the OP's current dilema | |
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| Changing?
Posted: 5/23/2008 6:33:44 AM | ^^ Why beat around bushes? I always go straight to the point (thanks for noticing, though).
He said he's needy/clingy... this is what that article talks about... I wish EVERY dude who start a "nice guy" thread would be required read it before they post again, no make that MEMORIZE it... it would save them from disappointment and it would save us from those threads.
OP is 19, he still has time to figure this out and act upon it... as soon as he gets away from parental restrictions
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