| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 5:26:05 PM | I was talking to my friend the other night on the phone and these forums came up and suddenly a question came to me that seemed obvious, but I don't think has been asked here.
My question was, "Well, what is stopping us all from having successful relationships?!"
For me, I can't find anyone I'm attracted to in person (number 1 problem - and an obvious deal breaker for sure!). Alright, that's the basic problem to even finding a relationship. The last person I was attracted to we formed a relationship and found the attraction was there, but the compatibility really wasn't.
SO, I guess for me, what's stopping me from finding and having a successful relationship is finding someone I'm both attracted to and am compatible with (who obviously feels the same about me). I guess it's pretty basic. And when I find him, I'm not letting go of him!.....provided he doesn't want to let go of me....and that's not in my control, of course.....but I certainly can have the intention and remind myself constantly that I really want the relationship to work - and perhaps if he is in the same determined intention, then maybe it just will!
Obviously I've simplified this post to keep this short.....but on the phone the other night I was thinking much more of my negative attributes and how they might really be what's preventing me from having a successful relationship for a while now.
So, what's stopping you? And then what's really stopping you?
(edit to add - i'm pretty sure this thread will be deleted because it probably will seem senseless to most. sorry I did not work out the wording clearly before posting.) | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 5:30:21 PM |
I guess for me, what's stopping me from finding and having a successful relationship is finding someone I'm both attracted to and am compatible with (who obviously feels the same about me). I guess it's pretty basic.
That's it in very simple terms. It's just very rare to find both the attraction and compatibility. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 5:33:11 PM | I can't find someone to which I am attracted .. and compatable with.. who wants to committ to a long term relationship. So for me there are 3 components.. to this answer..
And.. I will add this.. I am not willing to compromise.. I think any of us here can "find" someone.. to have someone.. but I want the whole Chimichanga.. Relationships are challenging from time to time in the best of circumstances.. I want to be in one with someone who I am so fond of that I accept things in him that I won't tolerate in others... that is what love is all about.
If I am gonna enter into the most character developing situation afforded to humankind.. then it has to be with someone that I am crazy about.. someone who I can not live without.. And those are few and far between. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 5:44:23 PM | STOPPING ME:
- I am not attracted to very many
- 95% of the entire world of single guys .. would be attracted to any gal that I would be attracted to. In that huge bunch there are many many guys that would be better for her (and I admit that - see below).
REALLY STOPPING ME:
- money. I’ve been self employed doing the same thing for 35 years. The manufacturing being shipped out of the USA has wrecked havoc on my income. My work is directly tied to manufactures that manufacture industrial products ....... there is very little left in the USA.
I have very little (very little) debt (only a small amount on this house nothing else - no loans no credit cards). I have enough income to take care of all of my needs ...... BUT ............ no one else’s needs and that includes FUN.
It takes money to have REAL FUN - travel and various other things.
SEE ABOVE: any gal that would get my attention - would have a 100 other guys “sniffing around”. Out of that 100 (or more) she could have more fun (money) with other guys. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 5:48:03 PM | Yes, Txsippigal (what a name!!)...this is exactly how I feel -
".....If I am gonna enter into the most character developing situation afforded to humankind.. then it has to be with someone that I am crazy about.. someone who I can not live without......"
and added as you did about someone who I can accept with all their faults like i've not been able to accept others'....and likewise you can hopefully accept me with all my faults too. 'cuz if there's one thing i've learned on this crazy merry go round of relationships - wanting it to work has just gotta be mutual. no matter how much one wants it to, it only will if both are crazy about each other and feel they can't live without the other (in a really healthy and purely from love way, and not distorted and co-dependent love either).
Edit to add so I don't end up with too many posts in a row or they'll start the counting and limiting me to so many out of 10 like they do with me (when others seem to post unlimited numbers!)
Ron - surely not all women these days, even the beautiful ones, believe money should come from the man, do they? And do you believe really fun things have to cost a lot of money? For me, the really fun things actually don't cost anything :) . I never had the money to take expensive holidays either, but my life has been so rich....and I believe being with the one I truly love doesn't need great vacations to keep the love alive....does it for you? Are you sure you're not projecting that belief onto everyone from what a few might have indicated? | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 5:48:13 PM | How do you define successful and how do you define relationship? I've known married couples together for 40 something years who fought like cats and dog and weren't happy at all. Is that successful? Not in my books - even if they didn't divorce. A relationship for me is not necessarily mutually exclusive nor is it a regular thing. I can see a man one night then not contact him or hear from him for a month and that's cool. I have no expectations of men on here and I hope for the same from them. To me these are successful relationships. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 6:01:48 PM | Why? why? why? Maybe because I haven't found the woman whose in the same wavelenght as me? Or as Ron9 mention on messg.6 ,money, I'm broke.Credit card debt up to my ears,unfortunately money is an issue it definetely is.
No I just haven't found the one,when I do she won't care wether I'm broke or rich,love is the ultimate equalizer. So my answer is I haven't found "the One"
Dam it ,now I don't know why...: | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 6:07:29 PM | Dam it, bacalao, now i don't know why either! (giggle) That's why I'm asking.
And virgogirl - yes, in fact i truly feel all relationships are successful for what they are, what they teach, what lessons we glean from them and what direction they point us in for further growth and learning even after they end. So of course it's all relative and open to interpretation of the words.
So, I guess I was thinking along the lines of my own wishes and thoughts that for those of us who are thinking another long term committed and very loving relationship is on the cards - that a truly great relationship and love is still in our vision and life path - what is stopping us from finding it and keeping it? | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 6:15:06 PM | I have a very strong personality and find most men are intimidated by me for the most part, OP. My interests are so varied and off the charts, I've found it very hard to find someone whom shares my views, morals, values and strong convictions. At first they behave as if they believe in what I believe in, then lo' and behold!! I find out they've been patrionizing me the whole time in order to meet their own agenda. I'm very observant of a person when I have a glimmer of feeling for him, but unfortunately that glimmer fades quickly when he truly reveals who he really is. And he will, in time.
What's really stopping me from having a successful relationship? Quite simply, me. I'm just glad I still have the ability and intuition to recognize the danger signs..after all, I'm almost 50 and goin' downhill quickly with my cognitive thought processes. LOL
Ahh, yes. And on the physical side? I'm not physically attracted to any man unless he resembles a cat in some way or another as well. Yes, to answer the question going through all of your minds right about now in silent unison...I do scare a lot of people. *wink*
Sans | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 6:17:01 PM | Maybe we have so much experience with us that we are able to even anticipate the mistakes others are gonna make and we run from them because we don't want any part of it? Or are we deceiving ourseleves in a search for perfection? C'mon we do know there isn't such a thing as a perfect human being.Still we believe there is a perfect one for each of us,so when we meet someone we start checking her (in my case is her) ,for any faults,actually looking for any excuse to run away. Wow! It just me,Eureka Eureka
I found the answer,we are a bunch of cowards we don't want a realtionship we secretly happy to be singles yiiipppeee.
Darn it,thats not true....
oh! Sanchesele,meowww meowww
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 6:17:49 PM | The word relationship is the problem. It has replaced the word marriage as the holder of fantasies about emotional ideals men just don't have.
Men and women both have reason and emotion. Men think using reason informed by emotion. Women think using emotion regardless of reason. The way the world seems is different. It takes meeting on common ground to get along. Marriage was common ground; the rules were applied from an external source, to which both parties deferred. When marriage was thrown out, the common ground was lost. Now you have a woman's ideal of a relationship, which is an expression of her wants according to her views. Men do not fit into it, nor does it make sense from the male perspective, as men think. Looking at what the man wants, the woman recoils. She finds none of the emotional habits she likes. She supposed the man is devoid of emotion, or uncaring. His approach to sex, conversation and life are different, and so are considered wrong and bad. He is found wanting. A "relationship" is a house for women that when a man enters into he is uneasy and unwelcome, then sent back out. Life looks cozy through the window. He knocks at the door. He is better off walking by and sleeping under the stars, dreaming of a love that makes sense. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 6:18:40 PM | The same old answers no one ever wants to listen to, but...
For me, I can't find anyone I'm attracted to in person (number 1 problem - and an obvious deal breaker for sure!) When you decide that only the people you find incredibly physically attractive are worth considering, and dismiss the other 95%, don't be surprised when you can't seem to find someone.
Average looking people are average for a reason - that's where most of us are.
lol finding a guy that is willing work at it ...... Oh we're out there - if you can't find people like that in who you choose to date, perhaps you're choosing the wrong people. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 6:19:37 PM | What is stopping me....
Well, one of the reasons I am not in a successful relationship is that I am still ending a business relationship that has intense emotional and financial attachment. I thought I was ready, but decided that now is not the time.....
And really the real reason I am not in a relationship is that I've not found someone that is as willing as I am to be in a functional relationship meeting head on whatever comes up.
Good topic WeAre1 | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 6:23:59 PM | Wait a minute Sans - you can't write that line and then slink off into the darkness again....in what way can your man possibly resemble a cat??!!
And, ahem, (clears throat....and again), some of us are 50 already! and it feels great actually. 
Mr I - you ended your post,
"He is better off walking by and sleeping under the stars, dreaming of a love that makes sense."
awww....i really truly think the right love for each of us (at each time that we're ready for another relationship, so i don't believe there is only 'the one' at all)....but the 'right' one will share and be dreaming of a love that makes sense like you - could be the same dream. I am sorry you feel we are all so different - men from women, for truly not all men are the same (i do not know two that are the same at all ), and not all women are the same either. No one is as crazy as me, that i know. :)
and Sanguus - I think you misunderstood my word - I said I am attracted to (in England I would have used the term someone I really fancy). You interpreted that as someone who is 'considered attractive'.....and to me I think that is such an individual thing. What I am attracted to in my heart is not predictable and often such a uniquely personal thing.....and I think that is how everybody is, for it's rare girlfriends of mine and I will agree on a man's beauty. We all have our own tastes....really.....talking about reality now, not hollywood fantasyville. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 6:29:13 PM | Where do I begin...
First of all, I am a parent. That brings with it a whole slew of issues...
They not only have to relate to me, but to my child as well (eventually) and I have not found anyone that truly wants to embrace that or someone that I am willing to bring into my child's world(eventually) | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 6:32:30 PM | ^^^^hehe.. msg# 20 He leans over you and stretches in "that cat like way" while kissing you on the nose in the morning.
-he curls himself up under your chin and sniffs your neck while scratching his back leg at the same time..cats multi-task too, you know.
-he sneaks up behind you and winds his arms gently around your waist as a cat would sneak up behind you and wind himself around your legs oh soooo gently with that furry touch.
oh no!!!! I'm REALLY that crazy cat lady now!!
Sans..btw, msg# 20. I just hope I look as good as you do when I reach 50 in a few months.
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