| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/23/2008 12:52:53 AM | I have started dating a man who told me that he used to be a teacher, but is now a carpenter. When I asked him why he left teaching, he said "stress", but the next time I saw him, I revealed some things about my past, and I guess he wanted to ante up, because he said that that was not the whole truth. In fact he had lost his teaching license because he "inappropriately touched" a few of his students while supervising them in the gym. The touches were in the breast area. That was almost 20 years ago. He was married at the time, with 3 children, including one daughter.
I was impressed that he was so open about it (and his alcoholism), and he says he got counseling and never re-offended.
The girls were of junior high school age.
I was shocked and horrified to hear it, and very surprised when he said that his wife had been "very supportive" of him (but finally divorced him because of the alcohlism).
He also admitted that he'd been in jail for DUI and violating a restraining order placed by his ex-wife.
He says he's now a different man, and sober for 3 years thanks to AA. However, his three grown kids won't have any contact with him.
He has a lot of good qualities and he's fun to be with - but, my intuition is telling me I might be getting in over my head. Any random opinions would be appreciated. | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/23/2008 1:08:01 AM |
but, my intuition is telling me I might be getting in over my head. Any random opinions would be appreciated.
I think you should listen to the random opinion of your intuition most. It's what it's there for...... | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/23/2008 1:15:57 AM | It seems like he's being up front with you which is a good sign. Is this guy a pedophile? well, yes. He touched a bunch of little girls. That's really really messed up. Can people change? I think so and it seems like this guy is really putting forth an effort to turn his life around and if you genuinely like him then you could be a big support in his new life and you may find yourself in a very good relationship.
That being said. Be careful. This guy has some serious baggage and while trust is a good thing, you should probably keep the whole relationship on a short leash and if he starts showing any harmful behaviors, you have to look out for yourself and be ready to cut loose from that relationship right away.
I say give him a chance, but make sure that he understands that he has very little room for error and if a time comes when you think you need to leave, don't second guess yourself. Just leave. | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/23/2008 1:16:22 AM | | Pedophilia is like drug addiction or alcoholism. It doesn't go away just because someone isn't acting on it. Pedophilia is a form of paraphilia that involves sexual attraction towards children. Not all pedophiles are child molesters because some are able to control their urges, but ANYONE who is sexually interested in children is a pedophile. So the answer to the "Pedophile of not" question is yes, pedophile. (Or to be more precise, Ephebophile, since it seems he is attracted to adolescents rather than prepubescent children.) Only you can decide whether you can deal with making a life with a child molester who is supposedly keeping his desires in check. | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/23/2008 1:26:56 AM | hmmmmm.
sometimes people are honest to cover their dishonesty... does that make sense?
it means con artists sometimes tell some truth to gain trust... only to be covering intention/..
IF he is honest?....you have open communication..... bring the subject up again....Maybe say... you know ive been digesting what you told me re those past charges.....
im just wondering do you have any porn on your pc?....... any child porn... and look him in the eyes...
im not going to judge a guy i dont know.... with extremely limited information.. nor facts... just hearsay......
but..... if for arguments sake he touched more than what he got caught for....
like his kids?..... eg ....why arent they talking to him?....
id run......i take no chances on this chit........ once someone has been violated it cant be changed/damage done,.......
but.. its the sneaky ones ..... not so obvious ..... that also need to stop..... pure and simple......
nooone has the right... to touch a child.... case closed......
to damage innocence.... is evil.....
everyone can song and dance about having sexual preferences... using people for their sexual games/pleasure selfishness..
but nooone.. not once not ever................ has the right... to take someones innocence of freewill. otherwise its purely and simply the most selfish... anti loving.... thing... you can do...to a human alive being.......murder .. kills the body....
stealing/destroying innocence can kill the soul
smiles/peace | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/23/2008 1:35:35 AM | | All my experiences with men turned out, my first instinct was always right. whether it was cheating or crazy. Go with your gut. | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/23/2008 1:37:33 AM | | honey, my mother is a forensic psychologist and her main field of work is with sexual offenders. once an offender always an offender. if i were you i would cut ties. trust your intuition. get out of this relationship before you have to live with regrets. look at the whole picture. if he lost his teaching license then there were most likely formal charges brought against him. do a background check if you have to but do not walk away, R U N !!!!! | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/23/2008 2:33:42 AM | Thats a tricky thing to interpret in this day and age, it only takes one kid to say an adult has touched them inaproppiately (or frequently its interpreted that way under an interview) and his career is over.
If he was a gym teacher then there's mroe chance of physical contact with the children, i probably dont have a clue what happened but i have seen these things blown way out of proportion.
Was he convicted of soemthing because of it or was he just struck off? | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/23/2008 4:05:42 AM | | i wouldn't consider him a pedophile, just a drunk ***hole. 3 years sober? after how long drinking? 20+ years? sounds like he has a lot of making up to do before he can honestly prove to anybody that he has "outgrown" that phase of his life. for all you know, he could just be on a vacation, giving his liver a chance to heal somewhat... and after that, who knows.. maybe you could be the next woman to get a restraining order against him. while i wouldn't break up with him *because* of this, i would seriously find another reason so you don't come across looking like an ***hole... cause you never know, he could buy a bottle of captain and come back to your house and stab you because of it lol | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/23/2008 4:14:52 AM | Intuition...sometimes wrong but in my experience nine times out of ten very, very right. If you have doubts now then listen to them. I'm not saying he's a paedophile or anything as that's a very, very strong statement to place on a person without absolute fact, however, doubts are there for a reason...
Best of luck. :) | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/23/2008 4:23:50 AM | From what you wrote .. it doesn't sound like it was a case of "he said", "she said". He admitted to it.
Pedophiles do not change. Check the statistics... this was very likely not his first time..only the first time he was caught. One big reason the sex offender registry was created was the experts telling all of us that pedophiles do not change. Put in the position to try again, once out of treatment..they will try again.
I suggest that you move on. Your gut is telling you this man is trouble... your gut is right! | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/23/2008 4:23:52 AM |
Thats a tricky thing to interpret in this day and age, it only takes one kid to say an adult has touched them inaproppiately (or frequently its interpreted that way under an interview) and his career is over. She said "a few".
If he was a gym teacher then there's mroe chance of physical contact with the children, She said he was supervising them in the gym, we don't know if he was a gym teacher. I seem to have gotten through 6 years of Jr. High and High School without any physical contact from my male gym teacher. The most I can see is checking out a blown out ankle or knee...which as we all know are anatomically quite far away from breasts.
OP, trust your instincts, always. | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/23/2008 4:30:47 AM | Good Lord - this guy has more baggage than the Continental Terminal at Newark Airport.
Why would anyone sign up for this trainwreck? | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/23/2008 4:31:47 AM | hmmmmm.
sometimes people are honest to cover their dishonesty... does that make sense?
it means con artists sometimes tell some truth to gain trust... only to be covering intention/..
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Soulmate,
My dad said something as well about con men and honesty, based on the the last guy I dated, who came clear about alot of things, but they were half truths and he always blamed the other.. he said sometimes people are only telling half the truth and the reason they bring it up first is in case you hear about it instead from thier children, siblings, etc.
You heard his version first and that will stay in your mind over what really happened. Is this what you meant? | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/23/2008 4:35:17 AM | | Go with your gut. If you have children, think of the potential harm they may be exposed to. Sometimes pedophiles date women to get closer to their children. As far as the alcoholism, it is still too soon to say he will never drink. He may even become abusive when he drinks and he may find he can no longer control his disease. You may, indeed may be getting in over your head. If you have children, think of them first when you allow someone into your life. | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/23/2008 4:35:57 AM | Listen to message 7...........As a sexual abuse counselor who has dealt with the aftermath of this "sickness" I can tell you she is right on the money..................
 I personally would not give this man 5 more minutes of my time. Not even to tell him goodbye. | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/23/2008 4:36:04 AM | | Go with your gut. If you have children, think of the potential harm they may be exposed to. Sometimes pedophiles date women to get closer to their children. As far as the alcoholism, it is still too soon to say he will never drink. He may even become abusive when he drinks and he may find he can no longer control his disease. You may, indeed may be getting in over your head. If you have children, think of them first when you allow someone into your life. Check to see if he a registered offender. | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/23/2008 4:36:16 AM | yes thats what i mean...... ^^^^^^^^.... people can gain trust with others by telling some truths/half truths etc..
for eg a person might say im married,......(on a dating site for eg)
so someone might feel theyre honest...
but that person might go onto play them...( gained trust through the im honest /married thing....but lie about caring//etc)..
character would say in that case if theyre married (true).. that the fact theyre on a dating site.. talking to single woman .. .. in a flirty way.. would imply dishonesty to theyre actual wife/family...
words dont add up to =actual character...
but essentially yes....
smiles/peace | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/23/2008 4:53:10 AM | | I looked at your profile and it pretty much says that you are naive. It also says that you have children. Do they have children? At some point if they were exposed to him would you be forever wondering, worrying? Could you ever look your children in the eye again if he did something and they found out you knew? I think you should do your homework like shadowofenigma and get your facts straight. Don't rely on the facts from him because from my experience denial and deception are a very big part of pedophilia. I believe in second chances, and forgiveness etc. but touching children is not a mistake he made. It is much deeper than that. You think you are messed up about this now. Wait until the first time you see him looking in the direction of your grandchildren. | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/23/2008 4:57:29 AM | Thanks very much for the input. He was not a gym teacher, and the number of girls he admitted to touching was five. He said he did not re-offend.
I don't think he was charged, but I can probably check that via the internet.
soulmateO8 - that was an interesting observation about half-truths and that did occur to me - his apparent honesty was very disarming
As far as the drinking, he's 56 now and I think it went on for his entire adult life. That is unsettling too.
My gut intuition has not been fool-proof, especially with charming, attractive men. | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/23/2008 5:03:00 AM | He says he did not reoffend.....I say he did NOT get caught....................
If they made a deal with him to leave teaching in exchange for not prosecuting there will be nothing on record...................
That fortunately would not happen now....but 20 years ago it was the norm to just have a teacher leave and take their license away.
Also the drinking problem alone would be enough to say adios. | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/23/2008 5:15:37 AM | All of this, and you have to ask if you should be worried?
Yes, you have to be worried, especially if you have kids. If he said "I killed someone 20 years ago", would it make you more comfortable knowing that he hasn't killed anyone since then?
He lied to you when he first told you what happened to his teaching job. And chances are, he's still lying to you and not telling you the whole truth. You need to run as fast as you can from this one.
And as far as the question in the subject line, does it matter if people here want to call him a pedophile or not? He was a gym teacher and used his position to grope underage girls who couldn't do anything about it. Only you know if you are OK with a guy who would do that. | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/23/2008 5:19:08 AM | RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN
Oh did I mention RUN
Your gut is screaming at you to RUN. Listen to it.
I've had experience with something like this with a guy I met online.
And everyone one is right ONCE A PEDOPHILE ..... ALWAYS A PEDOPHILE!!!
With so many other wonderful guys out there in the world, why would you waste your time on someone like this?
RUN I tell you . . . . . . . JUST RUN AWAY! | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/23/2008 5:21:39 AM | | My children are grown and on their own; otherwise I would not consider giving this person a chance. | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/23/2008 5:25:01 AM | Contact me personally and I will help you out with this, you are asking people with absolutely no experience in this field. If you have children, please do contact me. Random based opions are not what you are looking for. | |
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