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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > R U nonconfrontational or know someone who is, what does it mean to y      Home login  
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 YingKissesYang
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 1
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R U nonconfrontational or know someone who is, what does it mean to you?Page 1 of 1    
I want to know about seemingly intelligent, healthy, hardworking people, especially WOMEN, or men, or others, who are NONCONFRONTATIONAL by your own standards. I'm not sure I even know what it means but I think something like..ie, you believe communication and expectations are so clear, you don't need to say things twice, ever, or raise your voice, even a tad.

If its your lover or SigO, maybe you "break up", no word no warning, but he/she should have known, since you did mention "it" a year ago, and have kept tabs inside without making a fuss to ruin the date, etc. until now...

Or, are these nonconfrontational people really ignorant of how to communicate or express disagreement, dissatisfaction, etc.

If you can think of a better way to word this question, please feel free to put that in your post (and hope others read other posts, especially 3 days later when its been answered).

Thank you, Bill.
 psssst
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 2
R U nonconfrontational or know someone who is, what does it mean to you?
Posted: 5/23/2008 2:40:31 PM
I think the people you are referring to are not so much nonconfrontational as they have a lack of passion or desire for anything.

It's more a lack of caring, that it doesn't really mean anything to them that has them not communicating.

Blasé doesn't work for me...
 starry_night
Joined: 8/15/2006
Msg: 3
R U nonconfrontational or know someone who is, what does it mean to you?
Posted: 5/23/2008 2:47:24 PM
I know how to communicate something that is bothering me without raising my voice....does that make me nonconfrontational?
 icon
Joined: 6/1/2006
Msg: 4
R U nonconfrontational or know someone who is, what does it mean to you?
Posted: 5/23/2008 2:47:55 PM
I am not confrontational - for me it can translate to passive aggressive. I want to communicate but I place the relationship as primary before myself. Hence I don't want to jeopardize the relationship by fighting. It means rather than say something that feels direct -when I'm concerned about how you'll react - I'll say something indirect - if you haven't lifted a finger to help around the house for a month rather than say 'get off yr lazy butt and help - I'll say 'hey yr friend Suzie sure is a good housekeeper I wonder what she's like in bed- I'm kidding a little - but the point is non-confrontational usually means expressing your angst indirectly - it usually creates more conflict - and ultimately we want to learn to be direct in a manner that doesn't be-little or make defensive our partner - but allows them to hear us be sensitive to us and respond in a manner that speaks to both our rights and responsibilities -
The way people drive and express in the privacy of their cars can afford great insight into just how passive aggressive - non-confrontational we are - imagine those attitudes expressed in person?
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 5
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R U nonconfrontational or know someone who is, what does it mean to you?
Posted: 5/23/2008 3:02:03 PM
^^^^Isn't there a middle ground there, could you please help me with the housework? Then there is no mind-reading and you aren't being a dickhead, and how kewl would that be?

What you are talking about OP is not non-confrontational it is passive aggressive, to expect someone to read one's mind or walk away from a situation without any explanation.

Non-confrontational is someone that will not engage in a discussion or a fight, either agreeing with you or walking away and not having the conversation at all. My first husband was that way and he drove me insane because when there was an issue, he wouldn't discuss it or fight with me so consequently nothing was ever resolved.

People behave this way for a myriad of reasons. Non-confrontational people may be the way they are because they were reared around conflict and mistakenly believe that their lives will be great if they just choose not to fight, not realizing how much it sucks the life out of them to refrain from being involved and their SO because it seems they don't care.

Or, they may be so truly vapid that they actually have no feelings or intellect with which to engage, in which case, as in the case of passive-aggressive, you are better off without them, so what exactly is the point of this thread?
 CanadianBeef
Joined: 1/5/2008
Msg: 6
R U nonconfrontational or know someone who is, what does it mean to you?
Posted: 5/23/2008 3:07:58 PM
To me it means, squeaking when your wheel needs grease. if someone talks behind your back, it means confronting them about it. Although I admire and appreciate shy, nonconfrontational people, I wouldn't want to be that way personally.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 7
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R U nonconfrontational or know someone who is, what does it mean to you?
Posted: 5/23/2008 3:19:56 PM
Everything in extreme is bad.

Non-confrontational in extreme means the person is so pained and anxious about mentioning something that bothers them, that they say nothing at all, often letting it stew inside them. Not at all healthy.

At a little less extreme, it can frequently be passive aggressive - as a poster above described so well.

Bringing it a bit more into balance... it becomes a more in-direct communication style, which is less threatening, but can be hard for many people to pick up clearly. I was with someone who tended to use an in-direct style. "This room is getting a bit messy" means "Would you help me pick up?"

I'm non-confrontational, I've done the work (helps that I've had communications training, lol) and most of the time I have it in a pretty healthy balance: I give clear, direct communication that is framed in a polite and respectful manner. I speak to people's points rather than attack them as a person. Where I tend to fall down a bit is in an argument... people can easily speak over me or not hear me. And people's anger can, although I have this largely handled by now, really raise my anxiety level. I've learned some tricks and techniques to get their attention without having to raise my voice (which gives me anxiety) and to ensure they are actually listening to me.

The problem you mentioned specifically - that someone said it once ages ago, and expect that you will remember - likely stems from how memorable it was for them to have raised the issue or problem. If they find direct confrontation difficult, it likely raised their anxiety and they spent days thinking about how to mention it before speaking with you. Therefore, it seemed more like a casual conversation to you, and more of a "milestone" one to them.
 VinceRanok
Joined: 5/9/2008
Msg: 8
R U nonconfrontational or know someone who is, what does it mean to you?
Posted: 5/23/2008 3:20:24 PM
Being non-confrontational is a double edged sword.

I personally feel that I'm non-confrontational, but I'm not beyond standing up for what I feel is right.

I'm not beyond raising my voice, but I'd rather let a situation cool down before talking it out. Heated arguments can have their advantages, such as being able to display your passion for a given situation - but you can also let the conversation get out of hand if you don't keep a tracked mind on the subject.

Being non-confrontational usually stems from the persons upbringing, not a personal choice. Given that knowledge you should realize this about a person when dating and not take advantage of it. Communication comes in many forms.

If you break up with someone because of something that happened a year ago and you haven't taken the steps to try to fix the situation I'm going to have to say that it's probably not just their fault at that point. To reference : If you notice a hole in your tire, tell the person who's driving and you share the car - when that thing blows down the road and you have seen that the other person has either forgotten or can't do it alone and you do nothing to try to patch that tire - it's both peoples fault, not just the drivers.
 laughinglibra
Joined: 11/6/2007
Msg: 9
R U nonconfrontational or know someone who is, what does it mean to you?
Posted: 5/23/2008 3:48:55 PM
I am very non-confrontational as well. I will not fight or argue. I will however, have an intense discussion about something I feel strongly about and I do enjoy a good debate.

Now, I don't know if there is any truth to this, but I've always thought that maybe I am like this because I am an only child and I never had the opportunity growing up to fight or argue with siblings and because of that I never learned how to fight. I dunno.... just thinking out loud.

Like Margo, I get flustered if voices are raised. I just don't see the need for it. I've heard people say that in a relationship you have to argue. I don't believe that. While a couple may not always agree or see eye to eye on something, I don't think an argument is necessary. Things can so easily spiral out of control during a verbal fight and things get said that shouldn't be said or didn't need to be said.

I do not think that people who choose not to fight are unable to express disagreement, we just choose not to be nasty about it.

JMHO
 Guy Named Ray
Joined: 2/19/2008
Msg: 10
R U nonconfrontational or know someone who is, what does it mean to you?
Posted: 5/24/2008 9:24:29 AM
Rather than be confrontational,
I'd rather improve my point of view.
 DeeWantsDumb
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 11
R U nonconfrontational or know someone who is, what does it mean to you?
Posted: 5/24/2008 9:55:05 AM
My ex-husband is and drove me nuts. He is also tripolar which is worse then bipolar. Doormats are so sexy....
 sunnie12
Joined: 10/18/2007
Msg: 12
R U nonconfrontational or know someone who is, what does it mean to you?
Posted: 5/24/2008 12:09:30 PM
Bill,
I was with a guy for a year.... now mind you, both of us are in our 60's. He said there was nothing in this world that could upset him, or make him angry. I never saw him angry, or upset..and we had some really rocky times. This is the kicker... he is a fanatic about everything he eats... has to make sure there are no articifical sweetners in anything, and if he reads there are certain things in a certain food, he has to go online and research it to find out if there are cancer causing agents in it. If he gets a bug bite ...fire ant, mesquito..etc, he panics..and will watch it carefully for days on end, medicating it with neosporin..or, what ever...afraid he is going to get really sick from the bite..and believe me that is only the beginning.
This is just my opinion... If someone tells you they never get angry, or upset...and they keep everything inside...Then it comes out in other ways, and I believe it can really be unhealthy. He has had two failed marriages, and there are no telling how many failed relationships, including ours. I think someone who tries never to lose their cool, is an accident waiting to happen.

Sunnie
 YingKissesYang
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 13
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R U nonconfrontational or know someone who is, what does it mean to you?
Posted: 5/24/2008 1:21:35 PM
Haha! I was waiting for someone to say what I wanted to hear...And when I started this thread I think this is what I was getting at..ie, I'd hope there are sane people who don't have knockdown drag out fights, or even raised voices...

I'm wondering about those who seemingly never approach another with any "talk", "discussion", "issue" etc. Now the person I have in mind, bless her soul, would say "I can't eat that" or "don't buy me that present" (So, I'd just do it, and return things she didn't like, she accepted many other gifts). In some ways these people can be so "confident" in their beliefs, they think they don't need to "get into it".

Or, they are really shy, really nervous, or afraid...of even everyday differences of opinion on relationship things.
 Susieb
Joined: 7/11/2006
Msg: 14
R U nonconfrontational or know someone who is, what does it mean to you?
Posted: 5/24/2008 2:16:23 PM
Hey ....... I think you need to 'cool down'/go with the 'flow'.

Confrontational/or otherwise has nothing to do with remembering occasions twelve months earlier .......'lack of communication' does.

Confrontational is usely pretty 'instant' .......... it's not the 'issue' twelve months down the line. What might be is your lack of appreciation/sensitivity that has been subconsciously 'noted' over and over again whilst she sought to understand/help you overcome.

I don't know the 'precise' issue ........ wasn't 'there' anyway. It's perhaps 'unfair' to comment as I do.

At the end of the day 'learn from the experience' and 'move on' ........ hopefully with that wisdom
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 15
R U nonconfrontational or know someone who is, what does it mean to you?
Posted: 6/5/2008 11:46:05 AM
Well, Bill, for me, once I have gone through all the trying to get him to hear me when I say I'm unhappy, I finally just sort of give up, and it's not being "nonconfrontational", it's being indifferent. I'm already done trying, and because of that, the relationship is already over.

In most cases, the way people communicate with each other is driven my the REACTION they get from the other person. Women "nag" or scream at men because the men don't acknowledge the statements. Men shut down emotionally because they wanted a different reaction from the woman. No humans can read minds, so both need to use their words effectively in order to get what they want.
 cowtrucker
Joined: 5/20/2007
Msg: 16
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R U nonconfrontational or know someone who is, what does it mean to you?
Posted: 6/5/2008 11:56:43 AM
When I hear the word "NonConfrontational" I think of someone who avoids confrontation (face to face or voice to voice communication with another person). It can be a child who has done something wrong and doesn't want to tell his/her parents, to avoid a fight. It can be a woman who has an opinion about something but doesn't tell her mate, for fear of what he may say or do. It can be a boss who doesn't want to tell the higher-up's that a fellow employee is having problems... or anything along those lines.

I myself procrastinate when confrontation is required, but yet, I still get the job done... Quick, and to the point.

I mostly avoid confrontation when it involves work, or dealing with a difficult task. ie: firing employees, counseling employees on negative behaviors, asking for help with something, and making business calls.

I don't feel that others who are non-confrontational don't know how to communicate, I just feel they prefer not to have to deal with the drama associated with that particular issue. My step-dad is a prime example. He knows what he wants, and what's right or wrong, but he knows my mother has a horrible temper and flies off the handle about things, so he mostly just deals with the issue and never says anything to her...

CowTrucker
Chapman, Kansas
 Susieb
Joined: 7/11/2006
Msg: 17
R U nonconfrontational or know someone who is, what does it mean to you?
Posted: 8/10/2008 12:27:18 PM
Mmmmmmmm. Read all (or most) of the replies since my last post. Interesting.

Confrontational? How do we define? It seems to be very much a 'personal' issue.... in so far as what I might consider confrontational - you may not/vice versa.

I think the one thing that shines above all others - is communication.
 StarreGazer
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 18
R U nonconfrontational or know someone who is, what does it mean to you?
Posted: 8/10/2008 12:48:25 PM


Msg: 9 -- I do not think that people who choose not to fight are unable to express disagreement, we just choose not to be nasty about it.


In the best relationship I ever had, we NEVER argued or fought. I don't like to do either if I can find an alternative. About two years into the relationship I learned that she was married. To say the least, I was quite distraught over it. But, I just quietly ended the relationship and calmly told her the reason why, in spite of the rage burning inside me.

Disregarding how it ended, I still have fond memories of that relationship. If she hadn't been married I think we would still be together.
 ohdriver
Joined: 12/26/2007
Msg: 19
R U nonconfrontational or know someone who is, what does it mean to you?
Posted: 8/10/2008 1:02:08 PM
in my view…

Confrontational: a defiant or hostile attitude, stance or relationship style wherein one’s communication tends to promote opposition, conflict, discord or a clash of opinions and ideas. In the physical model of confrontation we stand in front of another, and meet facing.

Contrast that with a model of co-operation where we stand united, shoulder to shoulder. In co-operation, we face the problem together, rather than nose to nose, or toe to toe, with the problem between us, keeping us apart.
 callwilliam2
Joined: 6/4/2005
Msg: 20
R U nonconfrontational or know someone who is, what does it mean to you?
Posted: 8/10/2008 1:07:53 PM
Confront: To come face to face with, especially with defiance or hostility

As I have become older, I have learned how to confront others when an issue arises and needs to be addressed. I may or may not do so with defiance or hostility depending on the circumstance, personality involved, and situation that has developed. It is not above me to confront.

When it comes to an SO, however, I think that gentleness is called for but nevertheless I let them know that I am coming up face to face (and perhaps against them) because an issue needs to be addressed. I would definitely let them know if conflict of interest has arisen, and that I intend to come face to face with conflict.
 cupatea2010
Joined: 7/30/2007
Msg: 21
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R U nonconfrontational or know someone who is, what does it mean to you?
Posted: 8/10/2008 1:22:13 PM
I am non confrontational ..I am not ignorant and I will not waste any effort or energy in a dramatic BLAH BLAH fest. I will state my case..hear there case but if the voice rises to the point the neither party is listening....I will back off fast..and leave..with a "let me know when you are calm enough to talk"...and I am gone.
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