| The past
Posted: 5/23/2008 5:40:44 PM | | I have met a few women on this site and I believe in being honest with them, but when I bring up that I use to have a drinking problem but have been sober for over 2 years they freak. I have not met a perfect person and how should they expect me to be when they are not? I dont judge someone for something in the past but they sure judge me. | |
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| The past
Posted: 5/23/2008 5:54:50 PM | That is going to be a tough one, especially online dating.
Someone said in another post that seemed to encapsulate the problems a lot of people have.
People decide on what they want and how they want it to happen and then go try to find someone to EXACTLY fit into that mold they created and wonder why they can't find anyone who is "perfect for them" Unrealistic expectations and desires for the perfect person for them dooms them.
Mix that with a checkered past and that is going to be tough.
If you can find someone who lives in the moment, doesn't have these lofty expecations of perfections and doesn't have these black and white instant expectations based on instant need to find out things so they "don't waist their time" then you might stand a chance.
You can also help yourself by not sharing that on the first date. It might be good to let them get to know you before sharing your past good or bad. But that is just me. | |
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| The past
Posted: 5/23/2008 5:59:31 PM | Gotta be honest here....
Maybe it isn't right to judge, but a woman has every right to make a decision on what will be best for her and HER life as well. Surely you can't fault any woman for not wanting to get involved with somebody that she doesn't know, who could potentially be LYING about his actual sobriety......
Unfortunately, what is happening in her mind is one very important question, "will this person be the type to make my life a living HELL if he decides to fall off the wagon..." And that is a REASONABLE and PRUDENT question to ask.....
As a person who had an alcoholic wife....and as a person with a sister who's boyfriend was addicted to drugs, who kept promising to get clean and sober, who kept falling off, making her life miserable, and everybody else's within close proximity every time he did, I can tell ya, people have a RIGHT to NOT want to tolerate BULLSHIT.
Keep up the good work on staying sober..... You are to be commended. But you might actually have better luck in finding some woman who has struggled with the same demons and has stayed sober as well. I've known quite a lot of couples who are very happy from this shared experience. They understand each other and the dilemna both face....
Best of luck | |
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| The past
Posted: 5/23/2008 6:01:50 PM | | I usually dont share it at first, only after talking to her for a period of time. I dont think having a problem with alcohol is a serious as being in jail for a violent crime or something like that. | |
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Posted: 5/23/2008 6:09:35 PM | Alcohol often turns people violent or they drive drunk and end up in jail one way or the other. While I admire the willpower it takes to stay sober. I wouldn't date one.
And I probably helped make a few. I wouldn't want an ex druggie either. And It is kinda iffy on the fag smokers too. | |
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| The past
Posted: 5/23/2008 6:12:07 PM | Well first of all congrats on being able to see you had a problem.Any women with an open mind shouldnt see this issue as black or white.There are so many addictions out there let God be your judge. | |
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| The past
Posted: 5/23/2008 6:12:40 PM | | To someone that has never been addicted "having a drinking problem" is not a good sign, most women would want to avoid the possible drama involved. Many people grew up in homes where drinking was a problem and may not want that life anymore. It is great that you are sober, but with no guarantees in life and the odds of a relapse why up the chance of a failed relationship? | |
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Posted: 5/23/2008 6:13:17 PM | Having been married to a practicing alcoholic for 13 years I can understand why women in general would shy away from this. It was hell.. and then you have to factor in DUI's.. treatment centers.. and maybe even drug usage.
I applaude you for being honest..
I would not rule out a man who has had a drinking problem though because I have been around 12 step' now for over 20 years. In fact one of the men that I recently dated on a regular basis admitted to me that he used to have a drinking problem.
And.. I think it might be an education problem too.. they are ignorant.. so they are unsure.. | |
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| The past
Posted: 5/23/2008 6:25:29 PM | You can also help yourself by not sharing that on the first date. It might be good to let them get to know you before sharing your past good or bad. But that is just me.
I couldn't agree with this more. OP, there is such a thing as too much information too soon. Particularly in light of the fact that you've been sober for 2 years, I see no reason why you would feel the need or feel obligated to share your past with someone until you know them, they know you, and the time really feels right. Sharing too much too soon is very off-putting for many people ~ myself included ~ and if I discovered that about a man I saw online but didn't know on any level, I would run not walk the other way. While some things are important to me to know sooner rather than later, I want to learn about a man at a natural pace vs. a forced one.
Try being more selective about when you share this information and with whom. Give ladies a chance to like you and feel comfortable in your company ~ in person.
You are to be commended. But you might actually have better luck in finding some woman who has struggled with the same demons and has stayed sober as well. I've known quite a lot of couples who are very happy from this shared experience. They understand each other and the dilemna both face....
Very sound advice, IMO.
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| The past
Posted: 5/23/2008 7:07:25 PM | A couple of years ago...I had started talking to a guy on a different site...and it came up that he didn't drink when we were discussing possible first meeting places (like..I often will suggest a low key bar for a couple of drinks/appetizers..something like that...feel free to bash those of you who frown on that)...it was then he informed me that he doesn't drink...so..we decided do something else. He did then from there decide to share with me WHY he no longer drinks...that he is a recovering alcoholic...been sober for..geez...I think it was like 6 years or so then. It wasn't a big deal to me in the least in regard to his past..what actually (selfishly I admit) DID cross my mind was that I *do* like to go out sometimes to bars to see bands or hang out once in a while with friends...(I am by NO stretch of the imagination a barfly...I easily go months between being in a bar)...but I also like to have wine at home from time to time...and I'm thinking...hmmmm...I won't be able to do this around him...or share a glass of wine with him....that just seemed weird to me. YES...I realize how stupid many of you will say that sounds...if I really liked this guy...that what...I wouldn't give up my occasion glass of wine? But I realized I guess I didn't like him enough if those thoughts even did cross my mind.
Bottom line...your past is your past. Pure and simple. I don't think people should be judged for it. I think it is more how it can or might affect your future that may have to be looked at together.
Good luck! =) | |
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Posted: 5/23/2008 7:14:01 PM | | You have been clean and sober for two yrs? In that case I see no point in mentioning it to anyone. | |
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Posted: 5/23/2008 7:28:56 PM | | See, I wouldn't judge someone who HAD a problem and DOESN'T now. I'd give them a fair chance, but IF I noticed they said "oh I quit drinking" and they were drinking I would probably leave/end the talking or if we were dating stop dating them. | |
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| The past
Posted: 5/23/2008 7:29:33 PM | A "drinking problem" to many of us is another way of saying that you are an "alcoholic". If you had a "drinking problem" until you were 40 years old, it is possible that by number of years alone, a lot of people will question whether or not your recovery is stabilized. If someone has already tried to stand by a spouse with a drinking partner and had it not work out, chances are they lost a lot before they left. One would not be inclined to willingly re-enter that world.
I think if you date a few times and let the person have a few peeks at the world you've created for yourself since you became sober, and then take some time to carefully explain that you had a problem, you will find people more willing to continue to date you than if you just blurt it out on a first or second date.
Congratulations on getting rid of your demon. May you always be strong.
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Posted: 5/23/2008 7:31:04 PM | Yes, it may be in the past.
But there are a lot of women (and men I'm sure) who have come out of relationships with someone who was an alcoholic or had a drug problem, or who were raised in a home where a parent had an addiction problem, and they simply don't want to deal with it again. The repercussions of living like that remain in their "present".
For me, a drinking or drug problem (current or past) is a "deal breaker". I don't want any part of drugs or alcohol or with someone who currently uses or has a history of substance or alcohol abuse. It's not that I'm judging the person, it's just that I've already lived that nightmare and it's something I don't want to take a chance on.
Congratulations on your sobriety. | |
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| The past
Posted: 5/23/2008 7:34:45 PM | | Don't bring it up....it's nobody's business anyways.......how's that for a solution? | |
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Posted: 5/23/2008 8:06:11 PM | I believe honesty is the best policy. It is best to say something so that they have a choice to pursue a relationship with you or not as a boyfriend or remain 'just friends'
It only hurts the 2nd party, and compounds any trust issues they may have if you are up front about it.
Good Luck - | |
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Posted: 5/23/2008 8:15:11 PM |
Don't bring it up....it's nobody's business anyways.......how's that for a solution?
How's THAT for a solution?? It's NOT a solution.....it's called AVOIDANCE!! And I shudder to think what a person with THIS sort of mindset will be hiding in any relationship I would have with them.....
You will only have a TRUE relationship with somebody based on TRUTH. NOT telling, or hiding it is the same as lying. While a person may not have to tell it right off on a first date, there WILL come a time....... and when the time comes, you are STILL faced with wondering if the other person will be comfortable with it.
The trick here is to find somebody who is 'equally yoked'. Which is why I suggested he meet somebody who has had a similar life path and experience. Only there will you get complete support and acceptance.....together. | |
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| The past
Posted: 5/23/2008 8:18:50 PM | the reason people may judge you harshly is because alcoholics and addicts have a very high rate of relapse. they may be scared of this, and just choose to avoid the possibility of difficulties later. i think you just need to accept this.
however, i think you should continue to be honest. do not let dating put you in a situation that is a trigger for you. no relationship is worth that. so, speak up when you need to protect yourself, but not before.
if you divulge, i think you should include info about your sponsor, frequent attendance at meetings, and other aspects of your support system. this will show your dedication. if you keep doing the right thing, you will eventually find the right person for you. | |
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Posted: 5/23/2008 9:15:55 PM | okietiger, we all judge others to some degree, whether it's with wisdom or with a sense of superiority. It's human nature and I'm sorry you felt stung by others' reactions. But not everyone will feel this way. I have some input if you like. But first, congrats on your sobriety and for getting healthy. I'm sure you're happier :)
Tip: I wouldn't share this information until after I'd met someone and had a couple of dates, when you're in the getting to know someone stage. It's part of your past and yes, it could be a future issue, which is why you've received the reactions you have. It is nobody's business until you want to entertain the possibility of having a relationship with them, and by then the woman should know about it, that's it's a challenge you tackled, and it's a challenge that you can talk about as having worked on and continue to work at.
I wouldn't reject someone right off the bat if they had two years sober. BUT, it IS only one year past the mark of when relationships are permissible under the AA module of sobriety. There's something good to this I believe, from observation of others I've known who have become sober or stayed drunks.
I hope the tip is helpful. I don't think it's dishonest to hold this back from someone until you feel comfortable that they are trustworthy of it. Nobody wants to be slapped by a judgmental person. It hurts huh? Perhaps you'll find a woman that has faced this demon herself, and is in her recovery at either a more mature age or about the same stage of recovery. Something to think about perhaps? | |
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Posted: 5/23/2008 9:34:37 PM |
I dont think having a problem with alcohol is a serious as being in jail for a violent crime or something like that.
Personally I agree. BUT, for many people hurt by or who have seen the difficulty and pain from other people with addictions, it is something that adds an extra challenge. Honestly though, EVERYONE has challenges, some smaller than others. We all have pasts and some include relationships with addicts. That means that a future relationship with someone who has beaten or who is still an addict will be unlikely because the past has taught something to avoid in the future.
Not all will understand, but doesn't it just take that ONE special person who does understand? Try to remember that while you wade through the many who are not your special ONE. :) | |
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| The past
Posted: 5/23/2008 10:54:18 PM | Okietiger, sometimes in life what we did with our past follows us through the present and future.
If you have been clean and sober for 2 yrs good for you, if you were an alcoholic for only a few months, doesn't seem like it is a horrible thing...HOWEVER if you have been an alcoholic for many years, and it did damage to your past life, then it is one of those things that has to be disclosed.
Everybody gets judged for something, and it isn't until we meet the right person, where exceptance goes both ways that we have found the right person. Try not to think of this thing as INHIBITING your life, but RATHER weeding people out that wouldn't be compatible with you.
I read so often in these threads, people won't give me a chance, because of X, Y or Z... The truth is it happens to all of us. I have never been jailed, never been a drug addict or alcoholic, but I am still just as single as you, and have been divorced for 8 yrs now.
I don't think there is anything wrong with me, I just haven't found the right person to be with, and that is just how life is... In the mean time I really enjoy who I am, the interesting people I meet, and the great friends I've had a chance to make along the way... Life is good, when mr right for me comes along it will be frosting on my lifes cake...
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| The past
Posted: 5/24/2008 2:05:35 PM | I have a similar problem about my past, and I have learned to just keep my mouth shut about it.
When I meet a girl and we start getting to know eachother, I will casually bring up the topic and gather how she feels about the matter. Judging from her reaction I will decide if it's okay for me to say anything about my past or not. I like to leave the past in the past, what's done is done and nothing can really be done to change it. What's important is the present and the future. Most girls fail to see that.
But than again, it's best to let her know somehow. More often than not it will come back to bite you in the as* (IE: Running into old friends) than you will have hell to pay and have to answer alot of questions. | |
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| The past
Posted: 5/24/2008 2:45:04 PM | So if someone told you that they had killed someone 10 years ago - you wouldn't judge them?
If someone told you that they had sticky fingers when they were younger and stole - you wouldn't judge them?
If someone told you that they were a compulsive liar but they mean no harm - you wouldn't judge them?
You can argue all you want that these things are all on different levels than addiction/alcoholism - but for many, they aren't.
We ALL judge people by their past and present to try and get a glimpse into a possible future. So when you say, "I dont judge someone for something in the past but they sure judge me.", do you really mean you don't judge people for things that you don't find relevant and important to you or a potential friendship? Meaning, you don't judge the things that you can find forgivable.. but then, that would mean you had to make a judgment of the relevance and importance, non?
Nope, no one is perfect and yet we are all mostly hoping to find the perfect relationship for us. For many, an addict just isn't part of that equation. Even a recovering addict. The thing about addiction is that it is life long, forever more. Regardless of the status of your addiction, you are still an addict.
Another poster mentioned some successful couples that were recovering together. I've seen this as well. For you, a more perfect match might well be someone that shares in this life experience and understands it which in turn helps them to understand you much better. | |
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| The past
Posted: 5/24/2008 4:18:48 PM |
Don't bring it up....it's nobody's business anyways.......how's that for a solution?
Nice answer...
And what about when you find your special man and he forgets to mention the years in prison for the murder/bank robbery/rape he did, or the child porn/ molestation conviction...
Oh, sorry honey, forgot to mention that...
Op, just keep being open and honest, as thats part of the 12 steps, and if they can't accept it, they don't deserve you or your time anyway... | |
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