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| Why do women complain when their husbands are away from home too much because they are AT WORK?
Posted: 5/25/2008 12:13:14 PM | You ought to be asking the wives of your friends, OPie, if you really want to know. Or, rather, your friends who are asking you ought to be asking their wives. Because, you know, those women each know their own dissatisfactions and we, you know, don't.
But I will offer this: we're to accept from you that several different women used the very same words. In itself, that's doubtful, but it does reveal your willingness to cast the question in your own terms, rather than actually finding out what the terms are.
After all, it is common knowledge that people often offer an initial complaint that is not exactly what's bugging them. We want to be shown that the other person is paying attention, sympathetic, a little bit interested, before we unload the full weight of our complaint. Did your friends ask their wives what was up? Did they listen to the answers?
Since you already figured out that these wives want their men to keep going to work, why do you stop there and insist they have been literal and complete in their complaints? Why do you dismiss the possibility that there is more to be understood before you know what the issue is? For that matter, why do you assume your friends report the entire exchange they have with their wives? Haven't these same guys fudged other stories to look better or attract sympathy? Why do you suppose they are telling you everything?
I'm not going to insult you by listing the many, many complaints these different women may differently have about their hubbies. I'll just remind you that complaining is one of our standard tools for conducting any partnership. However, it doesn't work so well when it falls on deaf or incurious ears.
Cheers!
Vulf  | |
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| Why do women complain when their husbands are away from home too much because they are AT WORK?
Posted: 5/25/2008 12:37:50 PM | I was just speaking to a man who is divorced. He was married for 20 years. He went away to Colorado for work and had an affair. I asked him why he did it. He said that him and his wife just didn't have it there anymore and they were more like best friends; therefore, divorce was best for both.
If he had been home with his family do you think that he would have cheated? | |
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| Why do women complain when their husbands are away from home too much because they are AT WORK?
Posted: 5/25/2008 1:14:34 PM | I agree with the person who said that the best life for the wife and children probably involves more time with their husband and father rather than more money.
Just because something wasn't done in a malicious way doesn't mean it can't cause problems. It is an unfortunate fact that when people work outside the home it becomes more difficult to find the time to be together in meaningful ways. The number of hours one works is just one thing that needs to be in balance with the other ways that person spends his or her time. It is pretty hard to have your needs fulfilled by someone you barely see each day. If the long hours are a temporary thing (finishing an important project, for example) it makes sense to grin and bear it with the knowledge things will get better soon. If this is a long-term issue, though, I can see why it would be important to discuss a lifestyle issue that is not working for one partner.
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| Why do women complain when their husbands are away from home too much because they are AT WORK?
Posted: 5/25/2008 1:23:16 PM | theres a whole host of reasons, and some very valid and significant. I'm answering in terms if excessive time away:
1) your spouse and you although still having self and autonomy are also joined as one. You're there not only to bring in some money and help, your spouse has needs to. You can work like a dog to buy a bif home, extravagant things and so on, but if you're away 90% of the time, your spouses and children's needs are not being met.
2) children, you helped create them, you help raise them. They need you as much as they need the other. when away too long it also leaves the one who is home more often, the nurturer and discipliner - not fair to that spouse.
Its actually negelcting your partners and family's needs.
3) when away so often how is he/she supposed to get time in for themselves - visiting friends, hobbies, relatives, personal time enjoying a book, a movie, whatever they fancy.
there's many other easons as well, but these are toppers.
Now, if we're just talking over time every now and then or on-call but its not consistent, i don't see a problem, but in excess, I'd have to take her side. | |
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| Why do women complain when their husbands are away from home too much because they are AT WORK?
Posted: 5/25/2008 1:23:26 PM | I was one of them fellas that worked all the time.
2, sometimes 3 jobs.
Everyone got the things they wanted, games and toys for the kids.
Name brand clothes for my daughter.
Nice house , nice cards, yadda, yadda, blah, blah blah.
Since the divorce, I had to stop working so much.
Now, I am home every night, spend time with the kids and ya know what?
They are so much happier now, even without all the expensive do dads. | |
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| Why do women complain when their husbands are away from home too much because they are AT WORK?
Posted: 5/25/2008 1:31:15 PM | Every story and situation is unique. Quite honestly, some families try and sustain themselves on the income of one, so the other parent can be at home raising the family. If that is the situation, then they can expect that their partner is going to be working like they have two jobs in order to have the income that would be earned by two. (unless of course they are a rocket surgeon!!).
I know where I live it is pretty much necessary for both people pull an income so that the couple can afford things that many expect to have (ie a home of their own, vehicle, extracurricular activities for children, discretionary cash...etc.).
Some people are never happy with the decisions and choices that they have made. Others accept that there is sacrifice somewhere (it is a trade off at times). My preference is to work to live, not live to work. That said, there were times while raising my children that my former spouse and I rarely saw one another, and when we did we were too tired to spend quality time together. Did that factor into the demise of the marriage, probably.
I have had friends who have moaned and griped about how much their husbands worked while they were booking their spa appointments and participating in hobby classes. Always looked like a pretty cushy life to have someone paying your way. Guess it all comes down to perspective......sometimes we don't know what we have till it's gone!! | |
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| Why do women complain when their husbands are away from home too much because they are AT WORK?
Posted: 5/25/2008 2:15:30 PM | Great thread Op !
There is a huge difference between a man working to provide the necessities for his family and one who is simply a workaholic. There are many (of both sexes) that thrive on the challenge of getting to the top ... of the corporate ladder, of their pay scale, of their field. Some are driven with an intensity that most don't comprehend.
Are these men using work as an excuse to avoid being home ?
This is all about priorities. Two people within a marriage should have discussed, compromised and set some mutually agreed on goals and priorities. This is not only necessary for the financial aspect but other areas as well. Perhaps it's time for your friends to sit down with their spouses and work something out or renegotiate. It's all well and good to have a stay home parent, but few can continue to maintain a brand name keep up with the Jones' lifestyle. A smaller house, discount clothes, coupon shopping at the supermarket are some of the options.
I've never believed it's impossible to have it all, just not all at the one time.
Something has to give eventually, and seeing as having a job is not optional, sadly it's the children and the marriage that suffers.
Edit :
If he had been home with his family do you think that he would have cheated?
Yes, he likely would have. Geography doesn't make a cheater.
To remark that he and his wife just didn't have it any more is an excuse to justify his actions. A friend, I would hope, would have the decency to discuss this and either resolve or dissolve the relationship. To engage in an extramarital affair, is about lack of respect for the other party. Why would he have more or less of this because of his co-ordinates on the globe ??? | |
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| Why do women complain when their husbands are away from home too much because they are AT WORK?
Posted: 5/25/2008 3:33:10 PM | Back in the fall of '01 I had a great job that required me to not only work a lot, but often be away from home traveling the US & Canada. At the time I was also engaged to be married in Feb '02 and my fiancee was living at my apartment. Especially after 9/11, all of that travel got to be too much for her, between me always being gone and then worrying about me, and she basically told me I needed to decide whether I wanted to keep the job or get married, since she didn't want to be married to a guy who was never home. I'm sure her being quite a bit younger than me played into her insecurities, but we sat down and talked it over at length, and I gave up the job and got married. Naturally, we split up a few years later, and in hindsight of course, I made the wrong choice.
I'm finally at a point in my career again where I'm being offered the possibility of taking a similar position, and I've made up my mind; any woman I get involved with will have to accept that its my job, and what makes me happy and fulfilled. She'll have to be OK with spending time together and enjoying each other's company when we can. Love isn't supposed to be about quantity, but quality, and I think on that basis, such a situation can work if we're both adults. | |
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| Why do women complain when their husbands are away from home too much because they are AT WORK?
Posted: 5/25/2008 3:50:21 PM | I was all about marriage and family, but ex insisted I take a job that I hated.
I did, spent long hours away from home, resented the job, hated going "out" when I was off work (I spent 8-10 hours a day "out," I had enough of it). I was resentful, she was unfaithful, she dumped me to marry an abusive alcoholic loser.
He's dead, and the happiest part is, I didn't do it; massive heart attack, I hope it was excruciating.
She's still complaining but I don't have to listen to it. | |
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| Why do women complain when their husbands are away from home too much because they are AT WORK?
Posted: 5/25/2008 5:23:45 PM | | Women are for some reason incapable of understanding the concept of 'be here, or be available to the industry'. The 'job' sets the hours. If he's not there the 'job' lets him go. Then he has no job and has to seek employment which, in this day, is scarce. We men define ourselves, generally, by how and what we 'hunt'. This garbage has been going on for millenia. Cavewoman probably ****ed when caveman was gone for days or more hunting the elusive moose. Woman just wants to control everthing and has a fit when crap that no one can control won't go HER way. | |
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| Why do women complain when their husbands are away from home too much because they are AT WORK?
Posted: 5/25/2008 5:55:34 PM | I can't know for sure what the complaints of the individual women are, but I'm one of those people who hopes to find someone who can balance work and home life. That's one of the reasons I'm busting my butt with my career and schooling now. When I finally start a family, I want to be able to spend time with them. I'd rather have someone who's around than lots of fancy things. As long as there's enough money to pay the bills, that's more than sufficient. And... I can agree with the following statement from experience:
It's difficult to maintain a relationship with someone who isn't there... | |
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| Why do women complain when their husbands are away from home too much because they are AT WORK?
Posted: 5/25/2008 6:00:39 PM | This is one of those "no win" threads, because everyone will have a retort for any comment posted . . .
Personally, I believe that to provide a decent lifestyle for one's family, a guy can expect to work 40 - 60 hours a week. There are always some that will work more, and others will work less than that figure, depending on their occupation. I usually work 50 - 55, and my ex-spouse thought i was a workaholic . . . Not true; just trying to keep the family financially comfortable.
It will be interesting to see where this thread goes.  | |
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